A/N: Yay, a new chappie!

Midna: Finally . . .

Author: Hey, at least it wasn't as long a wait as last time! Anyways, I think this chapter is one of the wierdest so far, in my opinion . . .

Midna: And possibly slightly disturbing . . .

Author: WILL YOU SHUT UP?!

Dislclaimer: I don't own Zelda. At all.

Fat Guys in Shorts

Link walks over to stand directly next to Kakariko Spring.

Link: Hmm, I guess this will have to do . . .

All of a sudden he picks up his foot and slams it down on his shadow as hard as he can. Midna screams and pops up, holding her eye.

Midna: OW! LINK, WHAT THE HELL?! THAT WAS MY EFFIN' EYE!

Link: Midna, get me a fried cucco!

Midna: Excuse me?!

Link: You heard me! Get me a fried cucco, woman!

Midna: I am not your wife!

Link: I never said you were!

Midna: Then stop treating me like one!

Link: Just get me a fried cucco!

Midna: Okay, I'll make you a deal: if you find a way to get into those Goron Mines, I'll get you a fried cucco.

Link: It's a deal! And you'd better not forget!

Midna sticks her tongue out at him and goes back into his shadow. He walks along the streets of Kakariko Village until he eventually comes to Death Mountain Pass. He climbs up some fish netting but is immediately spotted by a Goron.

Goron: Oh, you a human! The elder said no humans may pass!

Link: Yeah, well frankly, I don't give a damn about what your elder says!

Goron: Oh, human about to be squished like a little piece of cheese! Muhahahaha! (starts rolling towards Link)

Link: HOLY CRAP! (gets knocked off the platform by the force of the Goron)

Link stands up and rubs his back where he fell on it. He glares at the Goron who is doing some weird dance before walking back towards the Village. He is met by Renado at the entrance to Death Mountain Pass.

Renado: Oh, hello, Link! It seems as though you tried to go up the path!

Link: (hunched over like an old man, still holding his back) Really, ya think?!

Renado: Only one person has ever been able to beat the Gorons in a contest of strength, and that person is . . . Mayor Bo! Dun na na na!

Link: What, the old fatso from my village?! Well, he sure would beat them in an eating contest . . .

Renado: You must go find him and learn the secrets to besting the Gorons!

Link: Ugh, fine! I'd better get and extra crispy fried cucco for this!

Link walks into the village but stops when he hears a neighing noise. He turns and sees Epona heading straight for him.

Link: (standing there, staring at the oncoming horse) Well, hello pretty horsie!

Midna: (pops out of Link's shadow) MOVE, DUMBASS!

Link jumps out of the way at the last second possible and watches his horse going crazy. He gets the sudden urge to jump onto Epona's back, and does just that.

Link: (clutching onto the reigns for dear life) Yee-haw! Git along, little horsie! Woo, ride 'em cowboy!

Epona eventually calms down and Midna comes out of Link's shadow again.

Midna: Well, well, you're not too shabby a wrangler! This should make the journey back to Ordon much quicker!

Link: Oh, shut up! You just get to ride in my shadow all the time!

Midna: You think I like bein' in there?! Between you and me, I don't have the best view, for your information . . . I mean, you get to look at all the nice scenery . . . all I can see is what's up your tunic!

Link: -gasp- YOU PERVERT!

Midna: Hey, it's not like I choose to look at that! I'd rather look at the ground, which I do, usually!

Link: USUALLY?!

Midna: Well, that gets pretty boring after a while . . .

Link: OKAY, THAT'S IT! GO AWAY RIGHT NOW AND LET ME GET TO ORDON IN PEACE!

Midna: Well, fine then! (goes back into Link's shadow)

Link: I swear, that girl scares the hell outta me sometimes . . . the way she looks at me . . . it's as if she's gonna eat me.

Midna pops out of Link's shadow and starts pouring salt on his arm.

Link: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!

Midna: Hey, I work with what ya give me! (keeps pouring salt on Link's arm)

Link manages to swat her away before she bites his hand, and she sulks back into his shadow. He rides back to Ordon and goes over to Mayor Bo's house. He tells him about the children in Kakariko Village, and the Mayor is shocked to hear that Ilia's not with them.

Mayor Bo: Link you gotta tell the others in the village about the children!

Link: Aw, screw all them! Just tell me how to get past the Gorons!

Mayor Bo: -gasp- The Gorons of Death Mountain?!

Link: Yup.

Mayor Bo: I can tell you how to fight them, but you have to promise not to tell anyone!

Link: Ok.

Mayor Bo: I mean it, you can't tell anyone.

Link: Alright, I won't tell.

Mayor Bo: You gotta swear that you won't tell anyone not even your mother!

Link: But, I don't have a mommy . . .

Mayor Bo: That's what you think!

Link: (makes an O.o face) What?!

Mayor Bo: Uh, nothing, let's just go into the back room, shall we?

Random Voice From Upstairs: Bo, are you ready yet?! I got the paddle all set up!

Mayor Bo: Uh, I'll be up in a minute, dear! (pushes Link into the back room)

Link: Who the hell was that?!

Mayor Bo: No one! Now, let's SUMO! (rips off his shirt)

Link: OH MY GODDESSES! (covers his eyes) Dude, put a shirt on, for goddesses sakes!

Mayor Bo: You'd better get used to it because Link, I am your father!

Link: NOOOO! Wait- someone already told me that!

Mayor Bo: Well, they lied! You heard that voice from upstairs? That was your mother!

Link: EWW, MY MOM SCREWED A FAT GUY! WAAAH! (breaks down and starts sobbing)

Mayor Bo: Heh, heh, I'm just messin' with ya! Your momma died when you were little! She got run over by a horse! In fact, I think it was Epona!

Link: (looks up, shocked) W-what?!

Mayor Bo: Aw, I'm just kiddin' about that too! I don't know who your mother was! She left you on my doorstep and I decided to give you over to Rusl rather than throw you out for the wolves to eat! Aren't I so nice?

Link: You are a cruel, cruel man.

Mayor Bo: Yeah, I know. Now, let's SUMO!

Link: (jumps into the ring and rips off his tunic) Alright, let's get it on!

Random Fangirls: (voices come out of nowhere) OH MY GOD, HE TOOK OFF HIS SHIRT! HE'S SO EFFIN' SEXY! EEEK!

Link: (looks around desperately trying to find the voices) What the hell was that?!

Author: (voice comes out of nowhere) Oops, heh, heh, hit the wrong button there . . . carry on!

Link: WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!

Mayor Bo: Link, c'mon, let's SUMO!

Link: Alright, I'll fight you if you stop sayin' that! Geez, you're so annoying!

Link and Mayor Bo fight until Link eventually pushes the Mayor out of the ring. They fight again and Link runs off crying like a baby when he loses. After much coaxing, Link eventually fights Mayor Bo again and wins. He does a victory dance before putting his tunic back on and going out into the front room.

Mayor Bo: Well, Link, that was some fine work back there. But the only way to truly beat the Gorons is to use what's in that chest over there. (points to a chest)

Link: (opens the chest and takes out the iron boots) What, heavy, unfashionable boots? Psh, like I'd ever wear these!

Mayor Bo: Why not?!

Link: Um, hello, fashion disaster!

Mayor Bo: Just get out of here and go fight the Gorons!

Link: Ugh, fine . . .

Link puts the boots away and rides over to Kakariko Village. He stops at Ordon Spring to learn a new hidden skill, and then he continues on to the Village. When he gets there he sees a giant monster about to run over Colin, who has just pushed Beth out of the way.

Link: NO, WAIT, I WANNA KILL THE LITTLE BRAT! (speeds up)

The monster laughs and picks up Colin and ties him to a pole. Link notices it's the same monster that kidnapped the kids in the first place! This greatly pisses him off, and he speeds up even more and chases him out into Hyrule Field.

Monster: (stops to look at Link) Hello, human! I am King Bulblin!

Link: Dude, let go of Colin! I want to be the one to kill him!

Monster (aka King Bulblin): Oh, I'm not gonna kill him, I'm gonna eat him!

Link: Eew! Why would you want to eat Colin?! He tastes like dirt!

King Bulblin: How do you know?!

Link: Um, no reason . . .

King Bulblin: Okay, anyways . . . let's fight for him! (beckons Link to fight him)

Link: Oh yeah, let's do this thing! (takes out his sword and twirls it over his head)

Link's sword goes flying off in another direction and Link runs to pick it up while King Bulblin laughs at him. He summons some Bulblin Riders who try to knock Link off his horse as he tries to get to the King. After slicing him with his sword a few times, Link eventually follows the King onto a bridge. Two Bulblin Archers fire arrows at the entrances so Link can't get out. Link runs towards King Bulblin and they narrowly avoid eachother.

Link: Dude, you almost knocked me off the effin' bridge!

King Bulblin: Duh, that's the point you moron!

Link: Oh . . .

They fight some more until Link eventually knocks King Bulblin off the bridge.

King Bulblin: (falling to his death) NOOOO! TELL MY HAM SANDWICH THAT I LOVE HER! AHHHH! (disappears out of sight)

Link: Ham sandwich? (looks around and finds a ham sandwich lying on the ground) Oh. Um, King Bulblin told me to tell you that he loves you so . . . (picks up the sandwich) Mmm . . . ham . . . (eats the sandwich) Yummy! Okay, now where did Colin go?

Colin: (lying on the ground at the entrance to the bridge) Link . . . help me . . .

Link:Oh, there you are! (grabs Colin and tries to throw him over his shoulder but ends up throwing him off the bridge instead) Oh snap!

Colin: (hanging onto the bridge with one hand) LINK, HELP ME!

Link: Uh . . . hmm . . . (walks over to Colin) You know, I don't really feel like it . . .

Colin: LINK!

Link: Ugh, will you SHUT UP?! (steps on Colin's hand)

Colin: (let's go of the bridge and starts to fall) LINK, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU! AHHHHH!

Link: WHAT?!

Just then a magical sparkling cloud of fairies grabs Colin and brings him back onto the bridge.

Fairies: (talking at the same time) You need to be more careful with your son! He could get hurt!

Link: MY SON?! EEEEEEEEW! (sees Colin passed out on the ground) Oh well, I'd better take him back . . .

Midna: (comes out of Link's shadow) Aw, you do care about him!

Link: I thought I told you to go away!

Midna: Yeah, but I'm bored now, so I thought I'd just annoy you! Eee hee!

Link grumbles something unintelligible at her and picks Colin up and goes back into the village. When he gets there everyone crowds around Link and Colin.

Colin: (waking up) Whoa, what happened?

Talo: You got captured by a fat monster that almost killed you!

Malo: Unfortunately it didn't get the chance . . .

Colin: Oh, Beth, sorry for pushing you earlier . . .

Beth: You should be sorry, you little creep! You messed up my make-up! (slaps Colin across the face)

Colin: Oh, good, I'm glad you're not mad . . .

Renado: Uh, Colin, did you happen to suffer any brain damage while you were captured?

Link: Oh, he's always been an idiot. It's nothing to worry about.

Colin: Link, you saved me! Oh, Link, I love you so much! (reaches up and tries to kiss Link on the cheek)

Link: Whoa, back off dude! (pushes Colin away) You know I don't swing that way!

Renado: Aw, young love . . .

Link: I don't love him, you idiot! Geez, Colin, thanks for makin' everything all awkward now!

Colin: Anything for you, Link!

Link: . . . Okay, I'm just gonna go find those Goron Mines now . . .

Link gets up and then runs away screaming when Colin tries to get up and follow him. He makes it to Death Mountain Pass and is once again confronted by the Goron.

Goron: Ha ha, you still think you can beat me?! I shall defeat you! (starts rolling towards Link)

Link: Not this time, loser! (puts on the iron boots)

Link manages to stop the Goron and chuck him off of the platform. He wipes his hands off before continuing up the mountain, stopping more Gorons along the way.

***

Meanwhile back in Kakariko Village . . .

Renado: OH MY GOD, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! RANDOM GORONS ARE ROLLING DOWN THE STREETS!

Goron: I'M GETTING DIZZY! SOMEBODY STOP THIS THING! AHHH!

***

Now back to our Hero . . . sort of . . .

Link: (holding out a part of his tunic) DO YOU SEE THIS?! DO YOU SEE THIS TEAR RIGHT HERE?! DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT'S GOING TO TAKE ME TO FIX THIS DAMN THING?!

Goron: I'm sorry! I didn't mean to rip your dress!

Link: IT'S NOT A DRESS, IT'S A TUNIC!

Goron: Whatever! Look, I'll pay for it!

Link: Oh, you'll pay for it alright . . . WITH YOUR LIFE! (runs over and stabs the Goron in the heart, killing him instantly) YEAH, WHAT'RE YOU GONNA DO NOW, %#*&!

Midna: Link, calm down! He's already dead!

Link: Oh, right . . . well let's continue on, shall we?

Midna: You know, I'm not too sure I want to be traveling with you anymore . . .

Link: Aw, come on, Midna!

Midna: Okay, fine, I'll stay. But you'd better hurry up and get that fused shadow before I change my mind! (goes back into the shadows)

Link: Yay, she's staying! . . . Oh wait- but I don't like her! Noooo!

Link continues along the trail until he gets to the base of the mountain. He jumps out of the way as a giant rock falls from the sky and almost crushes him.

Link: Whoa . . . that is one big-ass rock!

Midna: (comes out of Link's shadow) Hmm, I wonder what this thing is doing here . . .

Link: Oh, gee, I don't know, maybe it's going to go get a smoothie? How the hell would I know what it's doing here?!

Midna: (glares at Link) Don't get smart with me, dog boy, or soon you're gonna be dog meat!

Link: What, you asked me a question!

Midna: I was talking to myself!

Link: You seem to do that a lot lately . . .

Midna: Just get the fused shadow! (goes back into Link's shadow)

Link shrugs and goes up the mountain, using the Gorons to give him an extra lift. He eventually comes to a huge chamber with six Gorons who all start to come at him at once. They stop when a voice calls out.

Voice: ENOUGH!

Link steps up as an old Goron comes out of a doorway blocked by two other Gorons.

Old Goron: Hello, puny human! I'm Gor Coron! What business do you have here at the Goron Mines?

Link: Okay, first, I would really appreciate it if you'd put a shirt on, and second, my name is Link, not puny human!

Old Goron (aka Gor Coron): Outsiders are not allowed inside the mines, unless . . . (smiles a creepy smile)

Link: (creeped out) W-why are you looking at me like that? Look, I'm not doin' you any favors, if that's what you're asking!

Gor Coron: Let's SUMO!

Link: Aw man, not again!

They step into the sumo ring and Link is immediately knocked out.

Link: Hey, that was mean! I demand a rematch!

Gor Coron: Anytime, wimp!

Link: Oh, now it's on!

Link puts on the iron boots and goes back into the ring. He fights Gor Coron again but he keeps loosing. Midna eventually gets fed up and trips Gor Coron with her hand hair, giving Link a chance to push him out of the ring.

Link: Oh yeah, I am the sumo champ! Everyone must bow down to me! Muhahahaha!

Gor Coron: Fine, you can go into the mines! Just don't say I didn't warn you!

Link: Woohoo! (starts to run to the entrance but trips on the iron boots and falls on his face) OW, MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!

Two Gorons walk over and pull Link out of his boots and chuck him into the mines, throwing his boots in after him. There is a muffled cry of "OW!" and then the Gorons stand in front of the entrance so Link can't get back out.

Gor Coron: Okay boys, turn up the fire level to super hot and scary! Ahahaha, he'll never get out of there, and then I will still be the sumo champ! I WILL REIGN SUPREME!

The Gorons back away slightly and turn a random dial on the wall to "super hot and scary." Meanwhile, Link puts his boots away and manages to stop his forehead from bleeding from when he got hit with the boots. He makes sure his sword and shield are in place before stepping into the mines . . .

A/N: What did you think? Oh, and on a random note, if any of you have heard of a book called Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes, you should read it. It's one of the best books i've ever read!

Midna: Yeah, it's about this guy names Charlie who goes to this school and-

Link: (claps a hand over her mouth) Shh! You're going to spoil it!

Midna: (pushes Link's hand away) Get off me, dog boy! (holds out the Twilight DVD)

Link: NOOOO!

Author: You still have that?!

Midna: I always keep it with me!