A/N: Link: Yay for updates!
Midna: Shut up, Link! No one wants to hear you talk!
Link: Wha- yes they do! Everyone loves me!
Midna: Psh, yeah right!
Author: Guys, let's just get on with the story!
Midna and Link: Okay . . . Midna3452 doesn't own Zelda or anything related to it . . .
Link: Ooh, and she also doesn't own the picture for the new Wii game that was released and it looks so COOL!
Author: LINK!
HOT!!!!
Link steps into the mines and surveys the area. He sees pits of boiling hot lava everywhere and a few platforms that he can walk across.
Link: (fanning himself with his hand) Whew! It's hot in Topeka!
Midna: (comes out of Link's shadow) Link, we're not in Topeka, we're in the Goron Mines . . .
Link: I know that! I'm not stupid!
Midna: I beg to differ . . .
Link: Stop talking all comlpicatedish! I can't understand you!
Midna: All I said was "I beg to differ!"
Link: Nyah! My brain! (grabs his head and runs towards the lava)
Midna: LINK, NO! (flies over and grabs Link by the back of his tunic before he falls into the lava) What the hell were you thinking?!
Link: Uh . . . FRIED CUCCO! AHAHAHAHA! (jumps across the platforms and lands safely on the other side)
Midna: What the hell?!
Link: Hey, that's right; you never gave me my fried cucco! You %#*&!
Midna: HEY! Don't start insulting me, you worthless piece of trash!
Link: (lip starts quivering) T-that's not a very nice thing to say . . .
Midna: Oh yeah?! WELL SCREW YOU! I'm gonna go find that fused shadow by myself! (flies off in a huff)
Link: WAIT! I NEED YOU TO PROTECT ME FROM ANY UNSEEN DANGERS THAT I MIGHT ENCOUNTER! NOOOOO! . . . Oh well, might as well explore this place!
Link walks over to what looks like a metal cage and uses his iron boots to shut off random flames of fire so he can go through. He does this a few times until he eventually comes to a ladder. He climbs to the top, but as soon as his feet hit the platform, Midna pops out of his shadow.
Midna: BOO!
Link: AHHHH! (falls off the platform but manages to grab onto it with one hand)
Midna: Eee hee! April Fools!
Link: IT'S FREAKIN' JULY! WHAT THE HELL?!
Midna: Aw, you didn't think I'd actually left you to fend for yourself now did you? You would have died in two seconds!
Link: Actually, I was doing perfectly fine until you showed up and almost made me fall into the lava!
Midna: Whatever. Now, get your lazy ass back up here so we can keep going!
Link: What if I don't wanna?!
All of a sudden, a frog comes out of the lava and throws up a rock, chucking it at Link. It hits his butt, making him scream and jump back onto the platform.
Midna: (calling to the frog) Thanks, Sherman!
Sherman: Anytime! (goes back into the lava)
Link: Ow, my ass . . .
Midna: Stop complaining and start walking! We've got a long way to go!
Link: Hey, how do you always know where we're supposed to go, huh?!
Midna: Um, I'm your helper! I have to know these things!
Link: I keep getting the feeling like something's going on here . . .
Midna: Uh-oh. (looks up at the ceiling) He's starting to get suspicious! Help!
Author: (voice comes out of nowhere) Okay, execute plan A-125! Go! Go!
All of a sudden a SWAT team comes down from the ceiling.
Link: WAH! I'M INNOCENT! INNOCENT, I TELL YOU! I DIDN'T TRY TO DROWN ILIA IN THE SPRING! IT WAS ALL COLIN'S- (gets hit in the head with a club and is knocked out)
The SWAT team carries Link into the next chamber of the mines and quickly leaves in their private jets before Link wakes up.
Link: (waking up) Ugh . . . what happened?
Midna: Don't you remember? You fell into the lava and I had to pull you out! You were already unconscious and you were close to death, so I brought you out here and treated your wounds. You probably have amnesia.
Link: You . . . you saved me?! (scoops Midna up in a hug) Oh, Midna, I love you!
Midna: AH! AFFECTION! IT BURNS!
Link: (lets her go) Sorry! You still love me, right?
Midna: I don't love you, you pervert! I don't even like you! I'm just using you 'cause I'm too lazy to go get the fused shadows by myself!
Link: Oh, well that's okay, you can take your time. I'll be waiting.
Midna: ALRIGHT, THAT IS IT! I QUIT! (flies away (for real this time))
Link: NOOO! MIDNA!
Author: (voice comes out of nowhere again) We have a code red! I repeat: we have a code red! Send out the replacement! Let's move!
The SWAT guys come back and two of them grab Link while another one walks up to him with a bottle in his hands.
Link: Who are you people?! What do you want with me?!
SWAT Guy: Relax. We're just gonna alter your memory so you don't remember that you love Midna until later. We can't have you ruining the whole plot, can we?
Link: WHAT?! AHH!
The man forces Link to drink the liquid and then he knocks him out again. The SWAT team leaves and a little yellow fairy flies over to Link.
Fairy: (flying around Link's head in an annoying manner) Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Link: (waking up again) Ugh, SHUT THE HELL UP! (tries to swat the fairy but misses)
Fairy: Link, you're awake! Yay!
Link: (looks at the fairy closely) Ciela?! The fairy from my dream?!
Fairy (aka Ciela): Yup! I'm just fillin' in for your little imp friend until she gets back!
Link: Wait- where did she go?!
Ciela: Uh, she had to go, um . . . pick up some groceries at the store! Okay, let's go get that Fuchsia Shallow!
Link: It's called a fused shadow. And where did Midna really go?! I'm not gonna go pick up her shit if she's not gonna even come with me!
Ciela: Calm down! She'll come back! She just needs to . . . cool off a little. Now let's go! I don't like this place! (starts bouncing up and down nervously)
Link: Okay, but Midna better come back!
Link walks around the room aimlessly before finding a chest. He kills a few bulblins before opening the chest and finding a key.
Ciela: Look Link, it's a key!
Link: Really? I hadn't noticed! Thanks for restating the obvious!
Ciela: That's my job!
Link Ugh . . . this is gonna be a long trip . . .
He walks around the chamber some more until he comes to a locked door, which he opens with the key. He comes into another chamber filled with flame jets and he sees a wall with a door behind it.
Ciela: Look, it's a wall with a door behind it!
Link: Yes, I can see, thank you!
Ciela: You should try to get to the door!
Link: No duh! Geez, you think I'm an idiot or somethin'?!
Ciela: Well . . .
Link: How rude! I'm smarter than Linebeck!
Ciela: Um, actually-
Link: Hey, where is Linebeck anyways? Isn't he supposed to be with you?
Ciela: He had some, uh . . . important business to attend to.
***
Meanwhile on a deserted island far off at sea . . .
Linebeck: (rolling around in a pile of treasure) AHAHAHA! TREASURE! IT'S ALL MINE! WHOOHOO! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!
***
Back with Link and Ciela . . .
Link: Oh, okay then- (sees his tunic on fire) HOLY GODDESSES OF HYRULE! MY TUNIC!
Link manages to put out the fire with the help of Ciela spitting on his tunic, which she claimed to be water but Link knew better. He kills the Dodongo who breathed fire on him, and he finds a chain that he can use to open the door. He pulls on the chain and sees a wall move.
Link: (lets go of the chain and starts to run towards the lava) Yay, I figured it out- HOLY SHIT! (jumps back as a flame jet almost engulfs him)
Ciela: Whoa, that was close! Um, maybe you could be a little more . . . timely?
Link: I just almost got burned to death, and all you can think about is timing the wall right?!
Ciela: Yup, pretty much! Now come on! Let's go!
Link glares at the fairy and then pulls the lever again. He times it right this time and manages to get through the wall before it closes on him. He comes into a room filled with water and he jumps in.
Link: Hey, the water's nice! You should come in, Ciela!
Ciela: Um, I don't think so . . . my magical sparkling pixie dust will fall off if I go in there.
Link: Yeah, and?
Ciela: And then I won't be sparkly anymore!
Link: But that'd be a good thing! Your sparkles are kinda annoying . . .
Ciela: (starts flying around maniacally) HOW DARE THOU INSULTETH THE MIGHTY POWER OF THE SPARKLES?! THOU SHALL PAY!
Link: What the- OH MY GODDESSES! (gets thrown out of the water and into the gate by a blast of magic cast by the little fairy)
Ciela: (back to normal) Whew, lost my cool for a second there . . . hey Link, you okay?
Link: (at the bottom of the pool, upside down) . . .
Ciela: Uh-oh . . .
She manages to fish Link out of the pool using a random fishing net she found, and she takes him into the next room where an old goron with steam coming out of his back is waiting.
Link: (waking up) Oh . . . my head . . . (sees an old Goron standing over him) AHH! WHAT THE HELL?!
Old Goron: Well, well, you're not dead! Yay for you. Now here's a key shard. (gives Link a key shard) Go save Darbus.
Link: Uh, who are- WHOA, YOU'RE ON FIRE! WE GOTTA PUT IT OUT!
Old Goron: Wait, don't-
Link takes out the gale boomerang and throws it at the Goron. He gets swept up in the wind and thrown around the cave. He eventually comes crashing down to the floor.
Link: (runs over to the Goron) Okay, the fire's out! (sees the Goron not moving) Hey, are you okay?! (pokes the Goron) Uh-oh . . . uh, Ciela, let's go . . .
Ciela: Is he gonna be okay?!
Link: Uh, yeah, he's just, uh . . . sleeping! Okay let's get out of here!
Link runs over to a ladder and climbs up it, with Ciela close behind him. They get to the top and he finds the dungeon map inside a treasure chest. He walks by a pot but he stops when it moves.
Link: (sees Ooccoo's head sticking out) OMG, YOU'RE A FREAKIN' STALKER! NOOOOO! (runs screaming out of the pit)
Ooccoo: Well, how rude! (goes back into the pot to wait for the next unsuspecting traveler)
Link comes out onto the ceiling of the previous chamber. He uses the iron boots to climb along it. He goes through many, many, many, many, many, many, many chambers until he finally comes to the third Goron Elder.
Link: Alright, %#*&, give me the effin' key shard!
Gor Ezibo: That's no way to speak to an Elder! Just for that, you'll have to fight me for the key shard!
Link: Uh, okay.
Gor Ezibo: (starts hopping from foot to foot) Yeah, what're you gonna do now, %#*&?!
Link: (pokes Gor Ezibo, making him fall over)
Gor Ezibo: Ow . . . my spleen . . . okay, you win. (gives Link the key shard)
Ciela: Yay, you got another key shard!
Link: Yay! Oh, by the way, what exactly am I supposed to do with these?
Gor Ezibo: When you get all three, they'll form a key, and then you'll be, read-y . . . to defeat Darbus.
Link: . . . Was that supposed to be a rhyme?! That was freakin' retarded!
Ciela: Link, be nice . . .
Link: Ugh, fine . . . where can I find the last key shard?
Gor Ezibo: Go find Gor Liggs. He'll give you the last shard. Oh, and you might find a very useful weapon along the way . . .
Link: Wait- what useful weapon?!
Gor Ezibo: But beware, for a fearsome beast guards the sacred weapon . . . (disappears in a puff of smoke) Beware . . .
Link: What's that supposed to mean?! Hey, oldy, get back here! Ugh, god damn it!
Ciela: Well, let's go find that sacred weapon!
Link: Did you not hear what he just said?! A fearsome beast is guarding it! I'm not riskin' my life again!
Ciela: JUST GO!
Link: AH! Alright, I'm goin', I'm goin'!
Link walks out of the chamber and along the walls of another chamber until he comes to a door.
Ciela: Look, Link, it's a do-
Link: Don't even say it!
Ciela: Sorry.
They go through the door and come out into a round chamber. Link sees a big Goron and he starts to walk over to him.
Link: Excuse me, but do you know where we could find a sacred weapon-
Big Goron: OH, A HUMAN! WHAT IS HUMAN DOING HERE?! I DON'T KNOW, BUT HUMAN IS GONNA DIE! (jumps on the platform and breaks the chains holding it up, making it fall into the lava)
Link: Oh, nice goin' tubby! Now how are we gonna get back up?!
Big Goron: HUMAN CALL ME TUBBY?! HUMAN SHALL PAY!
Link: Why are you speaking in all capitals?!
Ciela: Link, is that the script?! Gimme that! (takes the script and throws it into the lava)
Big Goron: PREPARE TO DIE, HUMAN!
Link: OH YEAH, WELL I CAN TALK IN ALL CAPITALS TOO! IN YOUR FACE, LOSER!
Big Goron: OH, NOW HUMAN GONNA PAY!
Link: BRING IT ON!
Big Goron: RAAAR!
Link: RAAAAR!
Big Goron: RAAAAAR!
Link: RAAAAAAR!
Big Goron: RAAAAAAAR!
Link: RAAA-
Ciela: JUST EFFIN' FIGHT HIM ALREADY!
The Goron is surprised and he loses his balance. He falls backwards into the lava and defies the laws of gravity by bouncing on top of the lava on his butt and jumping back out. He falls on the platform with a thud and his helmet falls off.
Link: Dude, you got a pointy head! Ahahahahahaha! (falls on the floor laughing)
Big Goron: YEAH, YEAH, GET IT ALL OUTTA YOUR SYSTEM. NOW, I'LL LET YOU GO GET THE SACRED WEAPON.
Link: Uh, why are you still speaking in all capitals?
Ciela: LINK! (tries to take the script again but Link puts it away before she can reach it)
Big Goron: OH, THE AUTHOR JUST FELT LIKE MAKING ME TALK LIKE THIS- AW SHIT!
All of a sudden a random gust of wind pushes the Goron into the lava, where he is burned to a crisp.
Link: The author . . .?
The platform suddenly floats back into the air, and Link goes into the next chamber where he finds the Hero's Bow.
Ciela: Look, Link, you found the Hero's Bow!
Link: No, really?! What gave you that idea?!
Ciela: Well, you're holding a bow, so I just assumed that-
Link: It was a rhetorical question!
Ciela: Oh, alrighty then!
Link sighs and uses his new weapon to find the fourth Goron Elder, Gor Liggs. He walks into the chamber and over to the old Goron.
Link: Hey, weirdo, you got the last key shard for me?
Gor Liggs: . . .
Link: Dude, I asked you a question! (pokes Gor Liggs)
Gor Liggs: (falls over onto the floor) . . .
Link: Uh, hello?
Ciela: Link, I think something's wrong with him . . .
Link: Aw, he's okay- SHIT! HE'S NOT BREATHING!
Ciela: Oh my god! We gotta save him! (starts fluttering around crazily)
Link: Hell no! I already got enough stuff to worry about besides reviving an old dead guy! Let's just take the key shard and get out of here!
Ciela: But-
Link: SHUT THE HELL UP AND COME ON!
Link grabs the key shard and runs out of the room with Ciela trailing along behind him. The key shards form together to create the big key. Link makes his way to the boss chamber, but he is stopped by a mob of Bulblins. All of a sudden, his shield burns up.
Link: Frig! Ciela, get my metal shield! . . . (looks around) Ciela? Crap, she's gone!
Army of Bulblins: EEEEAAAGHHEIEIEE! (runs towards Link with their clubs raised)
Link: Uh, I have no idea what you guys just said . . . but I'll kill you anyways! MUHAHAHAHA!
Link kills all the bulblins and walks up to the door to the boss chamber. He uses the big key to open it, and the door shuts behind him.
Link: Why the hell does the door always shut behind me whenever I go into these big rooms?!
Midna: So you don't run away like the big coward you are!
Link: (jumps and falls over onto his butt) Midna! Where the hell did you come from?!
Midna: Your shadow, duh.
Link: No, you disappeared! And Ciela came and took your place!
Midna: Well, I came back! Deal with it! Now hurry up and get the fused shadow!
Link: (muttering to himself) I like Ciela better . . .
Midna: (hair turns into a fist) WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Link: AH! DON'T KILL ME! I'M SORRY!
Midna: Just hurry up and fight the boss! Maybe he'll kick your ass so I won't have to later . . .
Link: You're so mean!
Fyrus: Um, hello? Is anyone gonna fight me, or can I just go back to sleep?
Link: (turns to Fyrus and holds up his sword) I'll fight you!
Fyrus: Oh okay- ahem . . . RAAAAAA- (starts coughing) Ack . . . oh god, the smoke fumes in this place are terrible for your lungs!
Link: Um . . .
Fyrus: Hold on one sec. (clears his throat in an annoying manner)
Link and Midna: Ew . . .
Fyrus: Alright, I'm good, I'm good. Now, where were we?
Link: Um, you were just roaring at me and then I was about to kick your ass.
Fyrus: Oh right! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWR!
Link: I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS, MONSTER! By the way, I can see right through you . . .
Fyrus: What?! Oh, sorry! (lights up into flames) Is that better?
Link: NO!
Fyrus breaks the chains holding him and starts to run towards Link.
Link: AHHHHH! (runs away screaming like a little girl) MIDNA, WHAT DO I DO?! WHAT DO I DO?!
Midna: Use your iron boots and trip him, you idiot! It's not that hard!
Link: Oh, okay! (tries to grab the chain around Fyrus' ankle but is kicked and sent flying into the wall) OW! IT'S NOT WORKING!
Midna: You gotta shoot him in the eye first!
Link: YOU COULDN'T HAVE TOLD ME THAT SOONER?!
Midna: Nope! It's fun watching you get hurt! Eee hee!
Link: You're so evil! Are you sure I'm supposed to be fighting Fyrus and not you?!
Midna: JUST KILL HIM ALREADY!
Link: Alright! Geez, no need to scream . . .
Link shoots Fyrus in the eye and the monster starts running around like a crazy person.
Fyrus: OW! WHAT THE HELL DID YA DO THAT FOR?! OH, GOD, MY EYE!
Link: (trips Fyrus and slashes at him with his sword) Ha ha! How do you like me now, loser?!
Fyrus: Well, I don't like you very much at all! In fact, I'M GONNA KILL YOU 'CAUSE I DON'T LIKE YOU SO MUCH! RAAAAAAWR! (stands up and starts chasing Link again)
Link: You got up again?! Geez, how long does it take for you people to die-
Midna: LINK, WATCH OUT!
Link: Wha- AAAAAHHHHHHH! (gets set on fire by a blast from Fyrus)
Midna: STOP, DROP, AND ROLL! STOP, DROP, AND ROLL! STOP, DROP, AND ROLL, DAMN IT!
Link ignores Midna and runs straight into a wall. The flames engulfing him are magically put out and he falls over from hitting his head.
Fyrus: (walks over and stops by Link and Midna) Hey, is he gonna be okay?!
Midna: Oh, he'll be fine. You can try to destroy him again in a few minutes.
Fyrus: Oh, alright, I'll just wait over here then . . . (sits down in a corner on the other side of the room)
Link: Ugh . . . my head . . .
Midna: Get up, you stupid dog boy! The nice monster's waiting for you!
Link: What? (sees Fyrus sitting in the corner) Oh . . . Hey, do you think you could destroy yourself this time? I'm not really up for it anymore . . .
Midna: LINK!
Fyrus: Sure, no problem. (stands up and walks over to him)
Midna: What are you doing?! You can't just agree to that! You guys have to have a huge battle!
Fyrus: Aw, come on, give the kid a break! He looks like he's had a rough day. It's the least I can do.
Link: (hands him the sword while Midna stares at them like they're crazy) Thanks, man!
Fyrus: Anytime, dude! (stabs himself in the eye and falls over)
Midna: WHAT KIND OF BATTLE WAS THAT?! I WANTED TO SEE BLOOD, GUTS, DESTRUCTION! THIS IS NOT WHAT I ASKED FOR!
Link: Oh, shut up! You got your fused shadow, didn't you?!
Midna: (takes the fused shadow that forms as Fyrus goes back to Darbus) Well, yeah, but-
Link: (stands up) Just take it and let's go! You still need to give me that fried cucco you promised me!
Midna: Oh, alright, fine! But don't you want to hear a story first?
Link: (whips around to stare at her and starts jumping up and down) Ooh, story time! Story time!
Midna: Alright, alright, settle down.
Link: (sits down and watches her with rapt interest) Okay, go!
Midna: Okay, once upon a time, there was a guy named Zant. He-
Link: What kinda name is Zant?! That's so stupid!
Midna: Will you let me tell the story?!
Link: Oh, sorry, sorry! Continue!
Midna: Anyways, so one day Zant decided to cast a pall of Twilight over the entire world. He tried to take the place of the rightful ruler of a certain realm by calling himself the King of Shadows. Then-
Link: Hee hee! King of Shadows . . .
Midna: SHUT UP!
Link: Okay, okay, you can go!
Midna: Now, I have nothing but scorn for this idiot! Much as I do for your Princess Zelda. Stupid Princess, living a life of luxury while I have to work my butt off. . .
Link: Why are you mad at her? She's a princess! She's supposed to be treated like that!
Midna: (glares at Link) Just get the heart container and let's go.
Link: Why do you have such a bad temper?!
Midna: (opens a warp portal) I'm gonna leave without you!
Link: Ah, no! Wait!
Link ignores the confused Darbus and grabs the heart container, looking around when he hears strange music playing again. He runs over to Midna and they warp out of the dungeon, another fused shadow in their possession . . .
***
A/N: Link: Yay, we got another fused shadow!
Midna: Whoop dee doo.
Author: So, there you go. Oh, by the way, look up the picture for the new Zelda game being made for the Wii sometime. It's really cool!
Midna: (looks at the picture) Link, who is this other woman standing behind you?!
Link: I don't know . . . (gets hit in the head with the Twilight DVD) OW!