Author's Note: All right--the third chapter is finally here! It's been quite a summer, so forgive me for not posting earlier. Also, a huge "thank you" to the lovely and talented Baroness Orc, my beta, for all of her suggestions. Also, thank you to 3DG, Baroness Orc, Sherlockian Girl, Chocochino 11, and Ennee Gray for their lovely reviews!
The next morning, Percy led the League of the Extraordinary Gentlemen down the hallway to the West Wing. The men unconsciously went into hero formation: Percy, in the lead, dapperly swung his quizzing glass on the end of its cream colored ribbon, while Darcy, at Percy's right, perched his beaver top hat at a jaunty angle atop his dark curls. On Percy's left, Han swaggered forth, hand still on his blaster, and Edward trailed gracefully behind the others.
"Cue the epic hero music," Edward muttered to himself as the men ascended the stairs into the West Wing.
"What was that?" Han said, eyeing the vampire with suspicion.
"Oh, nothing," Edward shrugged innocently.
Han shook his head and resumed swaggering.
After traversing the increasingly dark and dreary corridor that led to the West Wing, he League arrived at the entrance to the Beast's rooms. Percy rapped on the thick, wooden door politely and waited for a response. The League glanced at each other, nervously wondering if the plan that they had worked out the night before was going to sink or swim.
"Cogsworth, I told you to leave me alone!" The Beast bellowed, not even bothering to open the door.
"Odds fish!" Percy exclaimed; this was his chance. "The last time that I bothered to check up on it, my name was definitely not Cogsworth and I do not recall you telling me to leave you alone."
"Oh, it's you," the Beast groaned, opening the door a crack. "Well..?" He said grimly, peeking out at the League.
"Darcy—as secretary of the League, it is your job to tell our host what our mission happens to involve," Percy prompted, giving Darcy a little shove toward the door. Seeming to channel a little of Cogsworth's pomp and officiality, Darcy pulled a slip of paper from his pocket and cleared his throat.
"We have assembled here to help you in the pursuit of becoming a proper gentleman," Darcy read woodenly. "This includes lessons in manners, etiquette, and becoming downright dapper and dashing."
"Huh?" the Beast scratched his head with a claw, thoroughly confused. "You want to help me?"
"Yes, good fellow," Percy said congenially, barging past him into the rundown room. "Zounds! I do believe that is why we were sent here, or brought here, after all. But that is not the point. Now, we shall begin. Edward, tidy up a bit in here. In order to give lessons as a gentleman, one must have the proper setting…there was some word in French, I think. What was it? Well, never mind. Sit down and we can begin.
The baffled Beast stomped over to the only intact chair in the room and plopped down. Percy shot a long-suffering gaze to the heavens and sighed.
"No, no, no, no, no," Percy said, brandishing his quizzing glass like a saber. "Get up. Now, like me."
Percy glided to the chair and lowered himself onto it genteely. "See? Like that."
"I don't see any difference," the Beast said sullenly, not only missing the point, but not even seeing that there was a point to be missed. "That's what I did."
"No it isn't. Remember, there is something in a gentleman's air and manner of walking," Darcy explained with much the same air as his best friend's sister, Miss Caroline Bingley.
The Beast simply looked a little stunned.
"Please, just try it," Percy coaxed. "Once is all we ask."
The Beast began to slouch over to the chair, rather nonplussed. It isn't every day that one receives strange visitors that give one instructions on how to completely rearrange one's habits and mannerisms, after all.
"Wait just a moment—this simply cannot go on," Percy cried, punctuating with his quizzing glass. "Shoulders back, tummy in, head held high, watch your chin…Oooh, I think I just rhymed," Percy giggled for a moment and then went back to the task at hand. "Remember," Percy added, tone a bit more serious, "ladies never like a sloucher. Use your height to your advantage. Take charge of the room as you enter. Think tall."
"I'm huge," the Beast grimaced but did as he was told. Thinking tall, he walked over to the chair and took a seat.
"So much better, highness, so much better," Percy said truthfully, giving him a standing ovation.
"I have never seen a man so much improved," Darcy added approvingly.
"What's next?" Han said, eager to share his own wisdom.
"Next," Darcy said, taking the spotlight, "is basic conduct and manners. There are three main rules to follow that have been passed from Darcy to Darcy over the centuries. One—never lose your temper, especially in front of ladies or people in whom you wish to instill respect. Two—always be a polite conversationalist: never focus the conversation upon yourself. Three—always keep the interest of others before that of yourself. This rule is what most of polite behavior is based on. If you remember these things then we shall have you acting the gentleman in no time."
The Beast nodded, still a bit overwhelmed. He had no idea how he was able to process this information, let alone remember it, and act upon it when necessary and Darcy kept on talking. And talking.
A "man" on a mission, Edward stalked over to the table that held the enchanted rose, still glimmering in its bell jar, and the iridescent hand-mirror. While wiping the dust off of the table, Edward picked up the mirror and held it up, intrigued. After a quick glance at the Beast, Edward picked up the mirror. "I miss Bella," Edward sighed, distracted by the thought of his love; she owned a similar hand-mirror. "I wish I could see her." The mirror flared to life, sweeping its pale light around the room. A picture of Bella appeared, reflected on its surface: she was reading her battered copy of Wuthering Heights, wiping a rogue tear from her eye.
"Put. That. Down," the Beast spat past gritted teeth, evidently attempting to be a gentleman and not estrange the League through uncontrolled anger. Even Edward had an expression of fear on his face as he set the mirror down and slowly backed away.
With significantly raised eyebrows, Percy motioned to Han, attempting to break the tension that had settled over the room. With the aid of his quizzing glass, the baronet snuck another quick glimpse at the mirror as Han began to speak.
"My turn," Han smirked, as he swaggered up and slicked back his hair. "Remember one thing, pal: ladies like hairy men. You just have to know how to handle it." Han smugly raked his fingers through his dark, shaggy hair.
"That's enough!" The Beast roared. "Out. Now!" He leapt from his chair on all fours, Percy and Darcy's progress lost. "I don't need lessons from you—especially about my hair," the Beast fumed, chasing the men to the door. "Leave me alone!"
The League lost no time in retreating from the Beast's lair. Once back in Percy's room, they began to regroup.
"Han, what were you thinking?" Edward huffed. "Well, actually, I know what you were thinking—are you really that dense?"
"I thought it would work," Han said defensively. "At least I did something today."
"Yeah, and at least I followed Percy's directions," Edward shot back.
"Now, boys, get along," Percy commanded. Han shut up immediately. Edward thought about protesting, but a sharp glance from Percy silenced him too.
"We need to rethink our plan here, gentlemen," Percy said with a wave of his quizzing glass. "Rules and practicality work with our host, just as long as the fact that he is a Beast is not mentioned. But I have an idea—instead of simply telling the Beast what is right or wrong, why don't we show him?"
"Capital," Darcy exclaimed. "But how are you…er, we, going to do that?"
Han smirked. "We could have Eddy here dress up in a wig and a skirt and pretend to be a woman—it'd be hilarious."
"Hey," Edward protested. "Watch it, space man!"
"I have a better idea," Percy said nobly. "We'll show the Beast another way. But how?" He looked significantly at Edward, one eye magnified in his quizzing glass.
"His mirror," Edward said. "You can see things in it," the vampire added in exasperation, after seeing the blank looks on the faces of Han and Darcy.
"That's the whole point of a mirror," Han rolled his eyes.
"No, that's not what I meant. I saw my girlfriend in it," Edward said earnestly.
Darcy looked vaguely confused: whether over the mirror, or the term girlfriend, no one else was sure.
"Look, all I said was 'I wish I could see Bella,' and I saw her in the mirror. She was reading a book…and she was crying," Edward added desperately. "You can see people in that mirror."
"And that's significant because..?" Han asked, still waiting for a punch line.
"Because, the Beast is probably watching us at this very moment," Percy said pointedly. "And that means that we should do our utmost to keep that fact that we know this fact a secret. This also means that we can reasonable assume our host shall be watching the activities of the League. Perhaps if we act like the gentlemen that we are, we could influence the manners of our host without directly giving him instruction. What say you, gentlemen?"
"Sounds like a plan," Edward nodded seriously.
"Yeah, it sounds good," Han smirked.
"Odd's fish, let's be off, then," Percy drawled. "We cannot very well show the Beast how to act while simply sitting here."
The men nodded in agreement, heading toward the door.
"Shall we?" Percy asked.
Han laughed dangerously, prompting a derisive snort from Edward.
"What?" Han asked smugly.
"It's just hard to take you seriously sometimes," Edward said, with an air of mock patience.
"Come now, chaps," Darcy said, coming up behind them. "You never know who is watching."
"Look, a corridor," Percy said, trying to distract the League from their petty arguments. "Why don't we see what is on the other side?"
And so they did.