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Chapter Five: Decisions...Decisions...
Don't own GW, the writers think they do.
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Duo gripped the pamphlet tightly in his hand awaiting the arrival of the others. It had been three months since Heero's decision to enter the social world. Duo didn't mind Heero living in socialized captivity, but he noticed the mechanical behavior Heero had about him now that he was living with Relena. The annoyance of human contact still existed within him, but there was something off. Duo didn't want to be the one mentioning this to the others. If they were going to continue with their plan then he would have no choice, he needed to consult them.
Trowa and Wufei arrived within the hour. Quatre entered an hour late due to an extended meeting and delayed flight. He entered apologetically, only Trowa seemed to cast him a knowing glance. Trowa was always staring oddly at Quatre, now that Duo took the time to watch their interactions. He wondered if Quatre was subtly flirting with the tall, green eyed ex-Gundam pilot. A glare from Wufei kept Duo from mentioning the obvious. Perhaps, Quatre wasn't ready to admit his feelings or maybe Trowa wasn't who he was waiting for.
"Are we starting today or next week?" Wufei asked snidely as he glanced at his watch.
Duo huffed at the Chinese man's impatience, "I thought you were off work today? And next week for that matter? What's the rush?"
Wufei grimaced at Duo before glancing away, "I wouldn't be taking any time off if it weren't for that woman. She wants us to 'spend some quality time' together," Wufei shivered as he paraphrased his wife's phrasing. "Pretty soon, she'll be scheduling time for us to procreate."
Duo raised his eyebrows at the thought of Wufei fathering children, it was hard to imagine. Not wanting to allow his mind to travel down that dark, amusing path, he passed around copies of the pamphlet he had finally found before he left. Sitting, Duo quietly glanced over his own copy and reread the highlights of his discovery.
"How is this supposed to help Heero? I don't think we have any place to even suggest this to him or anyone in his position!" Duo held up his hands as Quatre exclaimed his distaste for this part of the plan. Wufei and Trowa kept their facial expressions neutral.
Trowa spoke first in the silence, he turned to Quatre who sat to his right, "No one is going to force him. Heero can make the decision for himself."
"Would you choose this for yourself?" Quatre asked in a voice that made him sound threatened and offended at once.
Trowa had already contemplated this option and he knew that he couldn't cause Catherine anymore pain. He'd suffered amnesia once before years ago, to go through that again even to have a new life was not a choice he could make.
"Well, it's the option on the table. Heero's tried almost everything else."
"You're wrong," Wufei mused aloud. "I don't think he has a choice. This is all he has left. Otherwise, he'll just keep drifting. Even as he continues to live with Relena, he's drifting away from her. There's nothing left for him to connect too. He's alone, even when he's surrounded by others, he's essentially alone."
Quatre shook his head quietly. Trowa could see the disappointment with their assessment in Quatre's body language. Trowa surveyed his comrades before speaking, "We'll let Heero decide then. Though I'm fairly certain he'll opt for the treatment." Without further ado, Trowa rose to answer the knock at the door. Duo grabbed the tip of his braid and yanked hard.
"You mean, Heero already knew to come? Unreal! Trowa, you should have said something. Damn it, why am I always the last to know?"
Wufei snorted and raised a newly poured glass of whisky to his lips, "I'm not surprised, although, you could have given us a little warning."
Trowa frowned as he opened the door, "I thought I did."
"When?!" Duo shouted as the door swung open.
Heero entered his dark eyes swiftly swept around the small gathering. Trowa felt something flutter within and suppressed it cruelly. Silently, inclining his head, Trowa motioned to the empty armchair. Heero complied and sat down. Duo opened and closed his mouth three times before Quatre took it upon himself to address Heero.
"I think you know why we invited you here. We're concerned about you. We want to know if you've thought of the best course of action for yourself. I mean," Quatre paused characteristically before beginning again, "are you making the right decision, to go through with this procedure?"
Heero narrowed his eyes for a moment. He wasn't staring at anyone in particular. Trowa watched him, his back against the door, preventing anyone from exiting or entering. If Trowa hadn't known Heero he might have assumed that Heero was struggling with an inner conflict, deciding which path to choose. Trowa knew better. He knew Heero and there was no way that Heero was going to back down from his decision without a very good and convincing reason. Trowa was certain that not even Relena herself would be able to stop Heero from erasing what made him, him.
Wufei turned from the drink he had just finished making and faced Heero, "Have you gone in for a screening or an information session?"
"No, I've only thought about it."
Trowa concealed his surprise. Usually, Heero was more thorough. Perhaps, he was nervous. Heero had been acting out of character: following Relena so devotedly without inquiring about her security detail or requesting to shadow her. Heero was showing a side of himself that Trowa was sure that no one in this room, let alone outside of it had experienced. Maybe, the new Heero, the reborn Heero would continue this trend.
"Why don't we all go with you tomorrow?" Duo asked.
"Sure, it's not like any of us have careers to go back to. No, not us retired Gundam pilots. No we never have to make money. We survive on honor and battles and wars. Oh, wait, we're at peace now. Damn it…" Wufei drifted off in an irritated manner.
Duo rolled his eyes, "It's not like you'll be working anyway. I mean you and Sally'll be making little Wufeis but that only happens at night, so I think your day is pretty free tomorrow."
Wufei growled under his breath and turned away from Duo. Duo shrugged as if to say that his revelation was fact. Quatre stared down at his hands, clearly disturbed with the proceedings and the decision being made. Running his fingers through his hair, Quatre questioned Heero, "I need to know why you're doing this. I want the truth. Even though I know I'll helping to care for your wellbeing during the program."
Heero watched the reactions of his comrades with an expressionless mask. He nodded unhesitatingly after he heard Quatre's request. Trowa knew that the private quest to find more information on Heero's past was proving to be difficult, if not impossible. There was simply no history of his existence prior to becoming a gundam pilot. A few days ago, Trowa had pondered the use in knowing Heero as he was. Since Heero's decision to undergo the procedure, Trowa found himself growing more and more at ease. Heero would most likely be vulnerable, initially. He would need the support of his associates and Trowa was more than willing to be there for him.
Trowa stared intently at Heero's lips as they moved. He could understand what was being said, but his concentration was waning. Heero spoke without conviction as if the life altering decision he was making had no effect on him whatsoever. Trowa was torn between being slightly unnerved and utterly amazed.
"…at the Crawford center downtown. The procedure will be headed by a Dr. M, a previous member of the Alliance. It will take only an hour, the recovery will take a few days and then I will begin out-patient care."
"Who will you be staying with, Relena?" Quatre interrupted.
Heero moved his eyes to stare directly into Quatre's, "Relena has not accepted this decision and remains in denial about the action I am taking to release myself of my past atrocities." Trowa nodded, understanding Heero's clinical treatment of Relena's response to such a procedure.
Without waiting for another one of his comrades to offer a place of rest, Trowa offered his. There was no reason why Heero shouldn't recuperate with him. Quatre would be sure to visit as he usually did and he didn't have a partner sharing his living space as Wufei and Duo did. Heero did not decline, nor did he miss the calculating look in Trowa's gaze.
"Hey, what do you get out of this? I mean beyond the obvious, Heero? You're volunteering yourself for an irreversible procedure that will make you a civilian. You'll be vulnerable and you won't even remember us, any of us. Who's to say that'll you'll even want anything to do with us even though we're your family?"
Trowa watched Heero slowly roll his eyes to meet Duo's, "We aren't family, we are not related Duo. We are comrades that is all. My decision to erase my memories affects you as much as you allow it too. If you are concerned about our relationship after the procedure, don't be. You only need to reintroduce yourself to me and we will begin from there."
"You didn't answer his first question Heero, what do you get out this?"
"Hn." Heero closed his eyes for a moment as if contemplating his reasoning or as Trowa thought, he was contemplating whether or not he would tell them the truth or keep them guessing.
"Well," Duo began, "I've got all day to wait for a reply. I have to know why you're going through all this trouble. Wouldn't it just be simpler to just start over somewhere, where no one knows you?"
Heero's eyes bored into Duo's, "If I remember correctly, I was doing just that before you arrived."
Duo's lips formed a silent o before his closed his mouth, a symbolic representation of the end of that conversation. Trowa allowed a small smirk to grace his face.
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"So, I take it that Heero didn't tell you why." Hilde shook her head as she closed her laptop in a huff. "What have I told you about affronting him?" Turning to face her lover, Hilde waited for a response.
Duo sat bashfully on his side of the bed. "Hil, it wasn't like I trying to do it on purpose. Besides, Heero knows how I am. He shouldn't have been so secretive. Secrets haven't gotten him that far."
"Yes, well they certainly have saved our lives once or twice if I remember correctly. It's only fair that Heero should be able to do what he wants with his life, but committing to an act so drastic. I just don't know."
Duo glanced at Hilde through the fringes of his long bangs, "You mean that you don't know what to tell Relena. You're like her lady-in-waiting you know." Duo patted the bed beneath him affectionately.
Smiling broadly, Hilde rose from the desk and sauntered over to meet him. She wanted those wondering hands to explore her and not the comforter. "I don't know about that," Hilde responded as she settled herself onto Duo's lap. Running her hands through his disheveled and unbraided hair, she kissed him playfully.
"I only want to help and I can't do that if I'm left in the dark."
Duo sighed and pulled away as Hilde tauntingly bit into his lower lip. "I think he's looking for love and I think the only way he thinks he'll truly find it is to get rid of what has made Heero who he is."
Hilde raised her eyebrows, "That's what he said to you? He's looking for love? He's got that already, we love him."
"No," Duo said dispassionately, "I don't think he wants family love, he wants something else. I mean Relena's fascination with Heero is understandable but it's not love. Not when you sit and meditate on the relationship they've had over the years. Heero is her knight, her protector. He's like a fantasy come true, but he's not real."
"I disagree," Hilde pushed herself off of Duo's lap realizing that this discussion was going to squash any plans she had on achieving an orgasm. "Heero does love Relena, why else would he have come? I mean it wasn't too long ago that you said that he loved her. Relena is what Heero wants, she's his princess. They're living a fairytale and Duo, you're just going to let Heero ruin it because he's searching for something he already has?"
"You don't have to agree, you just have to face facts, Heero does not love Relena."
"Did he say that?" Hilde asked as she pulled off her blouse and unhooked her bra.
"No," Duo answered as his eyes caught a glimpse of pert breasts. Averting his eyes, Duo stared into Hilde's, "He didn't have to. I mean who's to say that Relena is Heero's destiny. I mean he is fulfilling an obligation by being her with her isn't he?"
"No, Duo listen to you. Heero does have a profound sense of duty, but that can't be all that Relena is to him. She makes him feel, Duo, feel. That must count for something." Hilde tossed her trousers and panties over the side of the bed onto the floor, "Are you going to fuck me or what?"
Duo frowned and gathered his hair onto his right shoulder. Twisting it curiously, Duo gazed at his lover was she right? Allowing velvety hands to guide his to slim hips, Duo divulged in the one person he felt completed him.
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"You're awfully quiet tonight, Trowa."
"No, it's nothing Cathy, there's a lot going on here. I'm not sure if what I plan to do is the right thing."
Catherine stared him through the monitor of the video-phone. Her gaze was not nearly as piercing as it usually was when they met in person. "Have you thought about taking another trip? The one you took before seemed to calm you down. You should relax more, the war's over Trowa."
Offering his older sister a small smile, Trowa nodded his head in agreement, "It was a nice vacation." He could still taste him, Heero in his drugged stupor. Trowa tried not to think of the lustful encounter whenever he was near his comrade. He was unrealistically paranoid that Heero might be able to read his thoughts and discover that it had indeed been Trowa who he'd indulged his intimate side with.
"I don't think I'll be taking another one for a while, Cathy."
Catherine shook her head disapprovingly, "You work so hard Trowa they should see that you need a break. Well, I have to get going."
Trowa watched Cathy turn and speak to someone behind her. The blonde haired woman with the slanted blue-violet eyes was smiling at his sister. Dorothy Catalonia waved at him as Cathy said her good-byes. Trowa reciprocated and closed the connection after his sister.
Standing, Trowa withheld his urge to seek a physical satisfaction for his craving. He wanted Heero and he would have him soon enough.
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Heero sat quietly next to a Duo fidgeting, "Stop it or leave."
"Sorry, if I'm just a little too human here. Are you even a little nervous?"
"No." Heero stared around at the sterile waiting room. It was empty save for four other men waiting a few seats down in the second half of the oddly shaped seating area. The chairs formed two rectangles. The rug settled on the floor in the middle of both seating areas had the same rectangular shaped patterns. The nurse's station was immaculate. There were five large windows allowing the sun to spill into the room. The walls were a bland pale green. A clock hung on the far right wall. It read eleven thirty in the morning.
Heero closed his eyes thinking back to the night before.
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Relena brushed tears from her eyes, "Please, change your mind."
"I can't." Heero watched Relena as she folded into herself. The lavender skirt suit wrinkling from her awkward position. Her shortened hair gathered over her face like a golden curtain. She slowly kicked of her heels one by one and curled into the large leather chair that sat facing him.
"You'll leave me all alone?" She mumbled through the fabric.
Heero leaned forward and reached for Relena's hidden face, "Love is not uncertain. If my feelings for you are real then I'll come back to you. Isn't that how the old archaic saying goes? Hmm," Heero hummed to himself, "I think I'm sounding more like Duo then I intended."
Grasping his lukewarm hand, Relena pulled him to her. "Stay with me tonight."
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"Hello Mr. Yuy, welcome to the Crawford center." Heero opened his eyes.
"I thought you said that the appointment was at one thirty, Duo?" Trowa questioned speaking over the nurse as he strolled over to where Heero was being greeted by the pale haired nurse.
"I thought you said that you told us when Heero was coming during last night's meeting." Heero ignored both of them as he rose to follow the slender form.
Quatre was frowning at Duo as he and Trowa gazed at each other before turning to follow Heero down the hall adjoining the waiting room. Wufei was silent as he nodded to Quatre and began walking beside him.
Heero quelled the urge to forcibly remove Duo from the office of Dr. M as his fellow ex-gundam pilots settled into the small seating room, from which he could see into the actual office of the doctor. Duo was still grumbling about Trowa's lack of mentioning Heero's surprise appearance the night before.
"Please be seated, the doctor will be here momentarily." Heero blinked at the nurse as she offered him another smile. It almost unnerved him, the way she looked at him with such a serene aura of pity and empathy. She smoothed the front of her uniform as she shyly glanced away under his intense gaze.
"Be quiet, Duo. There's no need to embarrass the rest of us with your characteristic ignorance. Today is about Heero, let's not spoil it." Wufei turned away from Duo to narrow his eyes at the bookcase next to the door leading further into the office. Quatre appeared visibly uncomfortable next to him. He continually checked his watch as if the appointment was keeping him from more pressing matters. Heero could feel Trowa next to him, the warmth of his comrade made his skin prickle in an inconvenient way.
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Leoba wandered over to the nurse's station to drop off another patient's chart. She lifted the corners of her mouth as she greeted Bella and Shrome as she silently handed over the data.
"Dr. M, your prospective patient is waiting for you in your office. He's quite the looker. He's with a group of friends too. Shrome smiled at her warmly. Leoba nodded her thanks and excused herself. Engaging in conversation with Shrome often resulted in being reminded of her son. She half-heartedly wondered if he still suffered from loose morals. She highly suspected that he did. He still lived on the earth.
Taking a deep breath and pushing her hair over her shoulder, Leoba proceeded into her office. Before fully entering the room, she observed her patient and the odd collection of young men she assumed to be his support system. The one closest to her was blonde, he sat unmoving, but she suspected that he was avidly engaged in the disagreement between the long-haired young man and his Asian peer.
Leoba's eyes drifted to her patient seated next to the blond and another brown haired young man. From the angle of his face, Leoba could see that he was calm. Clearing her throat in order to announce her presence and end the heated discussion, Leoba entered the room.
"How do you do?" she began. Settling down into the lone armchair in front of her audience, Leoba nodded her head at the murmurs of acknowledgment.
She turned her eyes to the man with the piercing blue eyes and angular face. Something about him inspired sorrow within her. Most of her patients were male and all of them were seeking an end to the pain. "It's my pleasure to meet you Mr. Heero Yuy."
Leoba wasn't sure what she was expecting, but the silent nod was not it. She inclined her head as the other young men filled the silence by telling her their names. The Asian was Wufei. The brown haired young man was Trowa. On the other side of Heero, as Heero sat in the middle of the gathering was Quatre, the blonde and Duo the loud brunette with the long braid.
After another pause, Leoba began as she usually did, "I understand that you, Mr. Yuy, Heero are here to learn more about the procedure. I am well aware that you already know the specifics. What I need to know is what you gain from this procedure? After all, we here can only use Electric Shock Therapy to rid you of your memories. What happens afterward is entirely up to you."
Leoba sat back and waited patiently for a response. Minutes ticked by and slowly the other young men in the room focused in on their comrade. Heero sat staring at Leoba. The harsh pierce of his gaze left and a blank stare replaced it. Leoba had grown accustomed to this part of the conference. It often took ex-soldiers a few days to think about what they were gaining and losing from the procedure. Leoba didn't accept the common answers of losing pain and gaining freedom because neither was true. Patients after procedure often experienced ghost pains, nightmares, night terrors and paranoia. Not to mention that the idea of freedom was subjective. What Leoba needed to know was whether or not Heero could come to terms with his life as it was now and the possibility of becoming a stranger to his friends and memories after the procedure.
"Nothing, probably." Heero's gaze shifted to the patterned carpet beneath their feet. A sign to Leoba that Heero was being truthful. "I don't think anyone I know is happy with this decision." Leoba didn't miss the quick glance at the blonde, Quatre, before Heero continued.
"They respect me and my judgment as I respect theirs. I need to become someone else. There isn't one answer to your question. I cannot answer the way you want me too. I just know that this is what I need to feel comfortable with who I am. There is no other choice. This is my last mission."
"Heero," Quatre whispered, his voice wavering and his eyes watering. "We haven't had any in years. You shouldn't make one for yourself now."
"He's not. It's been there all along. I've said this before. He's human, no different from the rest of us. If this is a mistake, it's one he has to make." Leoba shifted her gaze from the Asian to the long haired youth as he spoke his rebuttal.
"I don't know guys. Heero, listen to her, listen to us. You can't really think this is the way to fix things. What about Relena?"
Leoba watched Heero closely as he closed his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest. She would have thought of it as a protective gesture, only he didn't exhibit the insecurity of her other patients. He seemed sure and in power. Why would he want a procedure that might erase all of his innate self-confidence?
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Leoba left the meeting confused and slightly energized. Heero had refused to answer anymore inquiries. He wanted to move on and schedule the procedure and Leoba couldn't refuse him. He was competent in his decision. He obviously was not coerced. Judging from the reaction and support of his friends, Heero would not be left alone during this transitional period.
Pushing herself from her desk, Leoba stood. She walked to the halfway point created by the door to her inner office from her small seating area where she interviewed patients. She could still feel the presence of the head strong young man that had left over an hour ago. Who would he be when awoke from the treatment? Nearly half of her patients experienced a personality different from their previous one. The other half experienced the anxiety of having personality traits foreign to themselves. The ghosts of the past were hard to erase.
Glancing down at her watch, she realized that she had another conference. Walking over to her desk, Leoba scheduled Heero for his procedure in another week's time.
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Trowa hid his satisfaction with Heero's decision to go through with the meeting as he walked slowly over to the fuming group. The cozy cafe was nearly empty of patrons, save them. Neither Duo nor Wufei would speak to each other. Quatre was quietly conversing in the corner with someone about a business transaction that was occurring on another colony. Heero was seated calmly far enough away from Duo and Wufei that he could successfully ignore their heated stares. Sitting, Trowa handed Heero a plate of diamond cut ham sandwiches. Heero nodded his thanks. Trowa slowly sipped his cup of coffee as he reminisced about the meeting.
He'd held his peace about the situation because he was looking forward to housing Heero. He'd taken care of Heero before and had no qualms about doing so again. There was no war to be fought. Heero needed to concentrate on himself. Trowa would have been lying if he didn't admit his own hope that Heero would turn to him for support without Trowa having to maneuver his way into a relationship with him.
"I've got to go." Quatre sounded apologetic as he walked over.
"Another transport meeting?" Duo asked already knowing the answer.
Quatre nodded as he collected his briefcase. He spared Trowa a long glance before shifting his gaze to Heero. "I'll be back. Let me know where you decide to stay if not with Relena."
Trowa watched as Heero silently nodded.
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Long after leaving Heero, Wufei and Duo, Trowa wondered the city streets. He knew it had to be somewhere in the sketchiest part of town. That was usually where the promiscuous happenings occurred. As Trowa traversed the streets in search of a nightly fix, he realized that this was one of his last nights searching for a companion in men who sought only a few hours worth of abated lust. Trowa wanted a permanent fix and he knew the form of the package that would present him with it.
He already had a plan formulated. The earth was a wonderful place for Heero to recreate himself. Away from everyone, including Relena.
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Yep, another long awaited chapter. Don't shoot. I've been super busy. I'm studying abroad again. I was in Tokyo, now I'm at Oxford University! Yay. And I am and going to finish this story before January. That is my goal.
R&R, if you dare. Let me know what you think.