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Chapter 5

Discussions

I walked in and all eyes were on me. I chewed on my bottom lip, half expecting their collective reaction and half wanting to sink into the floor.

Jacob and Renesme started to both talk at once. I stopped them both with my palm.

"Wait. Before you say anything else. I get to ask some questions." I popped my bottom lip from my mouth and faked some courage. I took a deep breath and pushed my shield from me, starting slow, making sure my face did not betray my actions.

Moving, or releasing my mental shield, was as natural to me today as breathing had once been. Edward had asked me once what it felt like, and the only thing I could liken it to was that some people are naturally introverted, and some extroverted. My shield naturally wanted to stay only with me, but I was capable of moving it as I wanted or needed. It didn't hurt me to do so, any more than it hurt the introvert to be in the spotlight at the party, it was just not within my normal tendencies.

My shield shimmered as it weaved to closer to Edward and finally enveloped him. Once I was sure it was in place, I communicated with him, fast and furious.

"Edward?" His eyes flicked up and then down, his head never moving. It had once been his way of communicating with Alice. If she caught the action now, she didn't acknowledge it.

"I love you. I love you. I love you. I need you to hear me now. You can't become the enemy here. I will not decide anything tonight. I promise you will have your say, but not here. Please, let me talk to them and we will go home. I love you. "

Edward was coming over to me as I added quickly

"And don't be mad at Emmett. It was the only thing he thought he could do to help. Good, I didn't forget that. Oops, you didn't need that part."

I pulled Edward over to me and he wrapped his arm protectively around my waist. All of this had taken less then two seconds, and I began again.

"Ok. So, everyone is here because Renesme and Jake invited them, right?"

Everyone's head shook yes.

"Does that also mean that you all were told the reason why?" All head's shook yes again, but less vigorously this time.

"Why?" I asked the question of my daughter who was still in the front of the room, but now slouched against Jake, looking young and frail again.

"Mom. No one knew that we would be actually asking you to do this tonight. Not even Jacob and I did. You were standing right there we he finally said he'd do it. They just knew I wanted to talk about it. I was hoping you all would help me convince Jacob that you wanted him enough to be around forever. "

"Baby, this is not about wanting Jake. We all love Jake. It's just that I don't understand. You're asking us to help you avoid the eventuality that you have always been aware of. You're immortal, Jake is not. You're asking us, specifically me, to end his life, to break the Quileute treaty, and put us all in danger of the Volutri's wrath again. You're doing all of this in hopes – and it's only a hope – that the change happens, and happens in a way you can live with. What if Jake dies? You…we…will have lost the time we had left. What if the transformation happens and makes Jake an immortal wolf, never able to be a man again. What if Jake is an immortal 118 year old man, instead of having his youth restored? Hummingbird, listen…."

She cut me off, "ENOUGH! I have heard ENOUGH. Don't talk to me of understanding. You, you of all people, should understand this." She was shrieking now, clawing at Jake to let her go. "You tell me you love Jake? That you love me? I have never known you to be a liar Mother, but clearly…"

Edward cut her off now, with a cautioning, "Renesme." Edward, please. I intoned.

"What Dad? You protect her with every part of you, and you cannot understand our same love? You once tried to KILL YOURSELF when you thought Mom was dead." She turned back to me now, not calming, "You saved Dad. Alice helped you. Please, Mommy, help me save Jake." Sobs burst from her at the last statement and I was crushed with the weight of them. I snapped my shield back around me, trying to protect Edward from the onslaught. I sagged into Edward as Renesme sagged into Jacob, two mirrors of the same pain.

"Why me?" I asked, quietly, addressing the question to the room. Edward's head shot up at the question. His stayed wrapped around me, but were now clenched and tense.

It was Esme that spoke, surprising us all. "Bella, dear. Carlisle can't do it. He would have to monitor Jake more thoroughly than….the others….have needed because the outcome is so unclear."

I still didn't understand. Alice sat on the couch, unmoving. I thought she was having a vision until I realized she was in the exact position I had noticed her in more than an hour ago. I looked to Jasper, and he radiated sympathy, but no explanation. I looked to Rosalie and Emmett, and then to Carlisle and Esme. No one wanted to seem to answer my question. I looked to Jacob and Renesme and waited. Patience was a virtue I had learned.

"Bells. Don't you see? It has to be you. You brought me into this family. You risked your life to give me the person I love more than my own life. You are the road that brought me here, and you have to be the one that keeps me here. I need to know you want me forever almost as much as Nessie does." Jacob said quietly from behind Renesme.

"Aww, Jake. I love you. I will always love you. But you can't ask me to …." I wanted to say do this, but instead chose, "make this decision tonight. Our family needs to talk about this again. I need to talk with Edward, and I need time. I think we are going to go home tonight. We will call you tomorrow after work."

Edward got my coat and we walked out of the house gripping each other for strength. Edward put me in the passenger seat and I grieved at the separation. We were silent on the way home, Edward driving fast through the streets he had memorized. I could not read his face, but even in the dark I could see the darkness in his eyes. I wanted to talk to him, to rehash and discuss. I wanted to scream at him, cry with him, and ask him to help me understand. Instead, I looked out the window and wondered if happiness was a finite resource in life and I had used it all up.