28th December – Holy Innocents' Day
10.37am Hmm. I copied out the name of the day from my mum's calendar because I figured that any random holiday was better than no holiday at all. But I'm not really clear as to who the Holy Innocents were, or why we are celebrating them. My first instinct was Jesus, but I'm pretty sure there was only one of him, thus rending the use of a plural somewhat questionable. Mysterious.
10.55am Looked it up. The holy innocents were not a happy bunch (surprise!). Apparently Herod massacred a bunch of babies to prevent his throne from being usurped. Honestly, this seems a bit ridiculous, because by the time any one of those babies was old enough to take his throne, he'd be at least forty years old, right? Wasn't a forty-year-old man the Year 0 equivalent of old retired person with arthritis and other, similarly crippling old people diseases? Obviously Herod would be too bedridden with osteoporosis or whatever to care about some pesky throne usurper. (Note to self: Figure out what osteoporosis actually is. Ostrich osmosis? Something about pores? Like acne?)
I am getting off topic. My point is that this is a stupid thing to commemorate. "Millions of babies were killed on this very day a little less than two thousand years ago! Thrilling!"
11.51am FINALLY. A letter from Potter. Quaffle, Potter's stupid owl, found his way into the house and sent Petunia into a snit before finding me. What kid of a moronic name is Quaffle, anyway? The owl happens to be a sort of reddish color, but the similarities end there.
But I spent the whole morning reading up on infanticide, and then rang Mary and tried to discuss baby killing with her (she hung up the phone- Alice's influence, perhaps?), and was half way through writing a letter to Amos about baby death before the letter came. I figured I should give the theme a very thorough examination, seeing as it only gets one day a year and all.
Anyway. Potter's letter is a welcome break. I'll copy it out and annotate as I go. There are lots of problems with it, as will soon be revealed.
Dear Lily, (Presumptuous to the EXTREME. 'Dear'? 'Lily'? Who does he think he is, my best friend in the whole bloody world? Imagine.)
I'm almost certain that you actually copied out that list as well- you tucked it into your transfiguration textbook because you were so sure you were going to revise for McG's next test over the break.
(Alright yes, the notes are there. But what is he trying to imply? That I haven't been revising? I mean… it's true. I haven't opened my textbook all break. But he has no right to assume such things. For all he knows, I looked through it so often that I WORE DOWN THE PAGES with all my studying, and as such accidentally wore down the list too. That is a much more reasonable assumption.)
Here's another copy of the list enclosed all the same. Would you like to meet up on the twenty-ninth to discuss things? We should finish planning before the usual blimpload of schoolwork overwhelms us, and it's always easier to discuss things face to face instead of by letter. The 29th is best for me, but the 2nd or 3rd also work. But if we absolutely have to, I'm sure we can do everything pretty well (if a little hurriedly) on the train to school.
(Ugh. Where do I even begin? First of all, the poorly concealed request for a date. Honestly, you'd think Potter would have more subtlety. I actually thought he was finished with the obnoxious dating requests, but obviously I thought wrong. And then he tries to guilt-trip me into coming with his whole thing… with the train… and the dates. Obviously I am having trouble describing exactly what I find so troubling about those last two lines, but there is some sinister about the way he's put things. I mean… "But if we absolutely have to, I'm sure we can do everything pretty well (if a little hurriedly) on the train to school." Who says things like that?)
Merry (belated) Christmas,
(I'm not sure 'belated' even works that way. Probably not. James Potter would use 'belated' in the most awkward way possible.)
James
Obviously this was entirely unacceptable. Ugh. Potter disgusts me. Also, notice that he deliberately forgot to mention the fact that I did not thank him for his Christmas present. More guilt? I think so.
I must work on a super cutting reply.
1.06pm Sent a copy of the offending letter to Heather, with a copy of annotations attached, and asked for advice as to how best to respond to such an offense. She sent me this foolish reply:
"Lily,
You're ridiculous. Suck it up and go to lunch on the 29th.
Love love love,
Heather"
List for self of people who are bad friends and should never be rung/written in times of crisis:
Alice
Heather
Possibly Mary? Though I guess infanticide that occurred two thousand years ago does not really constitute a 'crisis' anymore and that she might be forgiven for hanging up the phone.
1.24pm Maybe I should just go to lunch with him? I am super mature and can therefore deal with Potter for one measly meal.
Right?
Right.
In fact, he probably thought he would weasel his way out of his responsibilities by proposing to take me out on a poorly concealed excuse for a date, knowing that I would refuse because I always refuse to go on dates with him. Actually, he seemed almost over-eager to procrastinate and do all the work on the train instead. I have news for you James Potter. Lily Evans is the most responsible thing since sliced bread, and will not let you get away with this so easily. I am on to your less than cunning plot!
It is a very good thing I, Lily Evans, am Head Girl. Anyone else might easily fall for those hazel eyes and that lopsided grin, believing Potter to be a genuinely nice guy. Ha! He is super deceiving to the core! One need only examine every one of his actions in minute detail (as I have taken to doing) to discover that his every move is full of bad intentions and general malice.
I will deliver a very cutting acceptance letter.
11.23pm Fuck. Got distracted by a documentary about marine iguanas and forgot to reply to Potter's letter. Must now write speedy response and leave all cutting remarks etc. out of it due to lack of time. Will write rough draft here as per usual.
Potter,
Instead of lunch, can we just go to Florian Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour at around three tomorrow? Tomorrow is the twenty-ninth, in case you don't get this until the morning. I am writing it a bit late because I had a very important project that took up much of my afternoon. (I saved the lives of many baby animals and completed other such acts of charity, which is very time consuming. I'm sure you understand).
Lily Evans
P.S. Did you know lots of babies were murdered on the 28th thousands of years ago? Fun fact. (Scratch postscript. Seriously, why do I keep writing these things?)
Note to self: Remember to check and make sure that he does not try to order chocolate-cinnamon flavored ice cream. He ordered chocolate/cinnamon ice cream from Florian's the first day I met him (pre-first year). I am pretty sure it is part of some plot.
--
Author's Babble: I don't usually add anything at the end, if only because I think it takes away from the story.
A few notes:
I do know what osteoporosis means/is, and what its roots are.
Lily's also a little more self-aware than she lets on. She is actually poking fun of herself a lot throughout this. But yes, most of her own foolishness sails right on over her head.