Chapter Five
Sitting back on his heels, Remus stared with frustration at the woefully small pile of belongings that Severus had left behind when he fled from the school. None of them appeared to hold even the slightest clue as to where he might have gone. Or at least, if they did, Remus certainly couldn't figure out what that clue might be. He picked up a book at random, idly paging through it as he tried to decide what to do next.
Realistically, he'd known that searching through Severus' things was unlikely to produce an answer, but he realized sadly that he'd allowed himself to get his hopes up much higher than he should have and now he felt much more let down at his failure than he had any right to feel.
Glumly, he tossed the book back into the box it came from and began to load the rest of Severus' books into the box as well. Once he had them all packed up again, he turned his attention to the clothing. Carefully he folded Severus' trousers, jackets, and shirts and stowed them away in the suitcase. Then he reached for Severus' academic robe.
The light-weight silk of the robe felt cool and slippery in his hands and on impulse, he raised it to his face and brushed the smooth fabric against his cheek. The material still held a faint hint of Severus' scent, and Remus inhaled it eagerly, remembering the last time he'd touched this robe, and how the garment felt with Severus inside it.
With a sigh, Remus let the robe fall to his lap. Despite the time and distance that separated them, his memories of Severus were as clear as ever, but memories, no matter how diverting, weren't going to help him in his search. He needed something a bit more concrete, and it didn't appear that he was going to find it here. Laying the robe flat on the floor, he began to fold it, but as he smoothed out the thin material, his hand brushed across a lump in one of the pockets. Reaching inside, he pulled out a slim, tattered volume that was missing its cover.
Holding the aged book up to the light spilling from the room's single lamp, Remus was surprised to realize that he recognized it. It was a scholarly treatise on antidotes for exotic poisons. He'd purchased the small book himself many years ago and given it to Severus as a birthday gift. It hadn't been new when he'd bought it, having found it in a used book shop he'd frequented during his student days, but now it was even more dog-eared and worn. That Severus had kept it at all surprised him; that he'd find it tucked away in a robe that the man had worn until fairly recently was even more difficult to fathom.
On impulse, Remus slipped the small book into his shirt pocket and finished folding Severus' robe. Once he had it in a neat package, he stowed it carefully away. Then he closed the suitcase and set it upright next to the overflowing box of books. A lone suitcase and a box of old books wasn't much to show for all the years that Severus had devoted to Hogwarts it seemed to Remus as he got to his feet. Giving Severus' belongings one final, lingering look, he extinguished the lamp and left the room.
Remus closed the storeroom door and stood for a moment in the silent hall watching the shadows of the torches in the wall sconces flicker rhythmically across the grey stone. Slowly he turned and headed toward the staircase that would take him back up to the entrance hall. Memories might not take him where he needed to go, but it was hard to elude them here at Hogwarts where his relationship with Severus began.
Just before he reached the staircase, Remus stopped and opened another door. Few places at Hogwarts were steeped in more memories of Severus for him than the room he gazed into now. It was an unremarkable room, used for quiet study back when he was a student and, judging from the coating of dust that lay atop the long tables that filled the room, not used for much of anything at all now and hadn't been for a long time.
During their time at school, and mostly unknown to their friends and acquaintances, he and Severus had often spent evenings studying together. After meeting in this room quite by accident early in their school years, they'd recognized in each other someone who didn't quite fit comfortably into his allotted place in the world, though neither one of them ever talked about that specifically. Here, outside their usual circles, they connected with each other in ways they couldn't anywhere else.
When no one else was around, which was fairly frequently once Severus learned how to cover the door with compulsion charms that sent unwanted people scurrying elsewhere, Severus had helped him with his potions assignments. He'd been a good student and had worked hard, but he hadn't the gift for understanding the subtlety of potions that Severus had. And it was a gift. The man turned the making of potions into an art that few others could equal. Of course, Severus had always been good with his hands.
Remus smiled to himself and wandered into the dim room. Idly he trailed a finger along the edge of the table against the near wall, tracing a sinuous letter S in the dusty surface. They'd made good use of this table back then. Not only had he written one of the best potions essays of his life at this table, thanks to Severus, but he'd lost his virginity here as well, and gained something of immense value to take its place.
Moving from studying, to talking, to kissing, to sex had been remarkably easy back then, though it hadn't really seemed that way at the time when almost anything they did had been fraught with tension, too many secrets, and overwrought teenage hormones. After that first shocking yet amazing time, almost every study session had ended the same way until everything simply ended, horribly.
After the explosive incident at the Shrieking Shack, memories had been all there were between them for year upon long, lonely year, until he'd come back to Hogwarts to teach. Though things hadn't gone well then, either, at least not at first.
A few months after the start of school, he'd come down for a late night snack from the kitchen. Having access to as much food as he wanted, any time he wanted it, was the biggest perk that teaching at Hogwarts offered as far as Remus was concerned, and he took advantage of it as often as he could.
On this night, rather than head straight back to his room, he'd wandered around for a bit and without consciously intending to, he'd ended up here just as he so often had during the evenings when he was a student.
Remus pushed open the door and conjured up a handful of blue flame. He held the light high and gazed thoughtfully around. It didn't look as if their old study room was being used any more. Perhaps that was just as well. It meant he wasn't likely to be disturbed if he lingered for a bit.
With a smile, he wandered in and perched on the edge of the table close to the outer wall, the one that he and Severus had always used for studying and other more pleasurable activities. Remembering those days, how happy he'd been in their relationship, he couldn't help wishing that things were different now. Here they were, both at Hogwarts once again, yet they barely spoke or acknowledged each other's existence. It was all so different from when they were young, when they never seemed to run out of things to say to each other.
True, often their conversations took the form of arguments, but arguing with Severus was nothing like arguing with anyone else. Even though, in a battle of wit and verbiage, Remus almost always lost, he never regretted trying, and he was always ready for more. Now they didn't even look at each other unless they couldn't avoid it, much less talk…or argue. He'd never realized before how much silence could hurt.
Suddenly the door creaked open and a dark figure blocked the dim light from the hall.
"Lupin," whispered Severus softly, surprise evident in his tone.
Remus turned his head toward the voice and smiled at Severus, still caught up in a web of pleasant memories from the past, his smile had an invitation in it that he didn't realize he was sending. "Hello, Severus," he murmured. "You're late. I've been waiting for you."
Severus drew himself up and shook his head uncertainly. "What?"
Coming back to reality, Remus shook himself sharply. "Sorry," he said with a sheepish grin, rubbing a hand across his face in embarrassment. "I...uh…was thinking out loud. Remembering… Pay no attention. What brings you here at this time of night?"
"I always make my rounds at this time of the evening." Severus answered simply, still eyeing Remus warily.
Remus got up off the table and dusted his trousers with his free hand. "Of course. It's late, and I should return to my room and finish grading my second year essays. They'll be expecting to get them back tomorrow."
Severus stepped back into the corridor and Remus joined him by the door, extinguishing his handful of flames.
For a moment they just stared at each other, the memories of their shared past in that room seemed almost a physical presence beside them. Remus glanced back into the darkness for a moment before turning to Severus with a sad smile.
"The time we spent together in this room was a long time ago now, but the memories are as clear as ever. I miss you, Severus. I miss being friends. Is there no way we could begin again? Find some way to get along as we used to?"
Severus' eyes flickered toward the darkened chamber for a moment before returning to study Remus' face. When he opened his mouth to speak, for a moment, Remus was sure that he was going to agree, but instead he simply said, "Goodnight, Lupin."
Then he turned his back and vanished into the darkness of the dungeon.
Returning his thoughts to the present, Remus smiled and rapped his knuckles gently against the dusty table. Severus hadn't agreed that night, but he hadn't disagreed either, and, slowly, despite a few missteps along the way, they did forge their relationship anew. Even when Sirius returned to upset things again, the resulting furor didn't produce a lasting enmity. Gradually they found their way back to each other once more, almost as if something larger than the two of them was drawing them together against everyone and everything that tried to tear them apart.
Could they possibly do it again, after even more turmoil, recrimination and pain? There was only one way to know for sure, but first he had to find Severus. It seemed there was only one more place to look for clues, and he'd better get to it. With a final lingering look at the shadowed room, Remus closed the door softly and headed out of Hogwarts.
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Closing the door behind his final customer, Severus drew a long black shade down across the front window. There'd been a steady stream of traffic in and out of the shop all day, and he was more than ready for a bit of peace and quiet.
He made a quick circuit of the room, straightening the vials, boxes, and bottles on his shelves until everything stood very exactly in its proper place. The neatness of the room contrasted sharply with the turmoil of his thoughts. As long as he was busy, it was easy to stay focused on practical matters of work, but as soon as he found himself alone, his treacherous thoughts insisted on sneaking back into his past and rummaging through neatly buried memories, tossing them back into the light of his consciousness where he found them hard to avoid.
He was beginning to think he'd be better off to stop fighting it. No matter what he tried to focus on, something always came along to remind him of the past and those he'd shared it with. Maybe it was simply too soon to expect to be able to banish everyone and everything he'd once cared for from his life. He'd only been here for a few months and he hadn't made any connections in his new life to rival those of his old. He sighed. Most likely he never would. What would be the point?
Shoving the green curtain aside, he walked into his storeroom to inspect and tidy the shelves there as well. Once finished with that, he sniffed at the cauldron simmering faintly on the small hearth. Yet another pain-killing potion was ready to be decanted.
With care, Severus lifted the cauldron off its hook over the grate and placed it on the fireproof surface of his workbench. Then while the mixture cooled, he extinguished the remaining fire, mostly just embers at this time of day, and magically cleared the hearth. After laying in materials for tomorrow's brewing, he took a box of slim glass bottles from under the workbench and began to fill them with the still warm potion.
The familiar rhythm of filling, sealing and labeling the bottles with potion was a comforting activity with which to end his day, but he was beginning to realize that running an apothecary shop in a small village was not going to be quite the absorbing experience he'd hoped it would be. The people were accepting, business was brisk, and he was definitely kept busy, but when all was said and done, there really wasn't much challenge to it.
He could brew and concoct healing potions, sleeping draughts, burn-healing pastes, cleaning solutions, and indigestion powders, his most popular sellers, in his sleep. He missed having occasion to brew something a bit more interesting and complicated, such as a Draught of Living Death, Polyjuice, or the Wolfsbane potion.
Setting the newly filled bottles in their place on the storeroom shelf, he checked to see that the back door was locked, extinguished the lamps and left the small room. He paused by the counter in the back of the shop, lifted the rather bedraggled black, dictating quill off its notebook and, caressing it fondly, he laid it flat on the bench's wooden surface. The quill had been a birthday gift from Lily Evans. The last he'd ever received from her before they'd argued and stopped spending time together. Before their lives took off down opposing paths from which neither of them returned unscathed.
Severus closed the worn green notebook beside the quill and ran a finger along the edge of its cover. This, too, had been a gift…from Remus Lupin, the year he'd returned to teach at Hogwarts, and they'd unexpectedly renewed the intimate relationship of their youth. His thoughts drifted back to that all too brief time.
Severus crept up on the open doorway and peered inside. Fully expecting to catch some errant student out of bed without permission, he was shocked to find his fellow teacher sitting on the corner of one of the room's long tables instead, his face gently illuminated by a wavering handful of blue flame. The soft, bluish light took years off Remus' weary face and, seeing it so, transported Severus back to their boyhood, to a time when he and Remus used to spend hours in this very room at this same table absorbed in activities much more pleasurable than schoolwork.
"Lupin," whispered Severus softly, surprise evident in his tone. Why was the man here of all places?
Remus turned his head toward the voice and smiled at Severus, his smile held an invitation that Severus found himself impulsively yearning to answer. "Hello, Severus," he murmured. "You're late. I've been waiting for you."
Surprised at Remus' boldness and uncertain of how to answer, Severus could only murmur a confused, "What?"
Then, as if coming out of a trance, Severus saw Remus shake himself sharply, his cheeks suddenly glowed a faint red. "Sorry," he said. "I...uh…was thinking out loud. Remembering… Pay no attention. What brings you here at this time of night?"
"I always make my rounds at this time of the evening," said Severus, still watching Remus carefully. Seeing the man sitting there at their table like that, brought back so many memories and feelings that Severus believed he'd discarded and buried long ago. How annoying to discover he was wrong.
Suddenly Remus stood up and brushed dust from his trousers with his free hand. "Of course. It's late, and I should return to my room and finish grading my second year essays. They'll be expecting to get them back tomorrow."
As Remus approached, Severus stepped back into the corridor to make room for him, but the man stopped in the doorway, far too close for Severus' peace of mind as he banished the flames in his hand, leaving them in the shadowy dimness of the hallway.
For a moment they just stared at each other, unable to avoid the overwhelming memories of their shared past that spilled from the empty room to hover hauntingly around them. Remus glanced back into the darkness for an instant before turning to Severus with a smile tinged with sadness.
"The time we spent together in this room was a long time ago now, but the memories are as clear as ever. I miss you, Severus. I miss being friends. Is there no way we could begin again? Find some way to get along as we used to?"
Severus didn't know what to say. Unbidden his own eyes glanced toward the dark room, as if seeking reassurance in the past. As much as he suddenly wanted to agree with Remus, he simply couldn't bring himself to say the words. So he avoided the question instead, said a brisk goodnight, and turned around and headed back down the corridor to his own quarters.
Once behind closed doors, he'd paced his room for hours, totally absorbed in his memories of Remus, both good and bad. Warm thoughts of their time together as students and the joy he'd once felt in his company alternated with the still vividly remembered horror he'd experienced when the truth of Remus' lycanthropy had been revealed in such a brutal fashion.
Never in his life had he felt such anger, such hatred, such betrayal…such fear.
Yes, the worst of his anger and hatred had been aimed at Black, who hadn't cared in the slightest if Severus had lived or died in the tunnel that night, and at Potter. No matter what high-minded reasons he gave for his "heroic rescue", it was vividly clear that he only did what he did to save Black from the consequences of his stupid, murderous actions.
But the fear…that was directed solely at Remus, the boy he thought he knew; the boy he believed in his innermost secret heart might actually rival Lily Evans in his affection. For him, what he felt more than anything was an overwhelming sense of betrayal and wave after wave of cold, gut-wrenching fear, and the shame that came with it.
Even now, years later, he could still remember how sick he'd felt at the thought that the boy he'd trusted in a more intimate manner than he'd ever trusted anyone, had betrayed that trust so badly. He'd finally mastered his fear and revulsion, but he'd carried the betrayal in his heart for many a long, cold, empty year. Yet how valid were those feelings really?
Severus sank into a chair by the fire and stared into the dancing flames with haunted eyes, for the first time trying to see things from Remus' perspective. Had Remus really betrayed his trust by keeping what he was a secret? After all, this wasn't any ordinary secret. His very life would be at stake if he guessed wrong in who he could count on. Look how wrong he was to trust Potter and Black! Neither of them thought of the consequences to Remus when they used what he was to get back at an enemy.
What if Remus had told him his secret? Would he have accepted it? Kept it?
Reluctantly, he shook his head. No. He knew he wouldn't have. He'd been taught to fear and revile werewolves all his life. If Remus had been foolish enough to tell him what he was, he'd have run for his life straight to the Headmaster, and if he got no satisfaction there, as he was pretty sure now he wouldn't have, he'd have exposed him to the entire school and felt perfectly justified in doing so.
So if he was honest, he had to admit that he couldn't really blame Remus for his reticence. He even remembered Remus bringing the subject up once, in a general fashion, ever so casually asking his opinion on the subject of werewolves.
He'd told him in no uncertain terms that he thought them inhuman monsters unfit to live around normal folk. Faced with that testimony, how could he expect him to own up to being one of those hated creatures? Remus hadn't ventured an opinion of his own then, and the subject had been dropped. After that talk, they hadn't met again for almost two weeks, a much longer stretch than they usually spent without contact.
In fact, he'd begun to wonder if anything was wrong when Remus suddenly reappeared, acting as he always did, with the muttered excuse that he'd just been busy and had thought he'd get more work done in the library. By that point their sexual activities had taken up more time in the study room than their academic ones, so Severus hadn't been able to argue the point. He'd just been so happy that Remus had returned that he hadn't questioned him further.
A log crumbled, sending a flight of sparks into the air and startling Severus back to awareness that he'd spent almost the entire night arguing with himself over Remus Lupin. He sighed, sat up and stretched. Finally he thought he knew what he should do. Bumping into Remus in their special place tonight had brought back so many memories of the good times, and all at once the good memories seemed so much more important than the bad. Perhaps he could give the man another chance. At least, they could ease the worst of the tension that had existed since he'd returned to Hogwarts and talk again. It wouldn't hurt to try, would it?
In the end, he'd given in to temptation and had never truly regretted it, until he'd had to break things off for good to keep Remus safe and then watched from afar as the man he loved married someone else.
Lily and Remus, the two lost loves of his life. And where did loving them get him? Living alone on an island under an assumed name, apparently. Severus sighed and shook his head. Not that he could really blame that on either Lily Evans or Remus Lupin. He'd made his own choices and now he had to live with the consequences, and really, the consequences weren't all that bad. Certainly they beat spending the rest of his life freezing in a cell in Azkaban prison or eternity moldering away under some headstone in whatever tiny cemetery would have him.
Things could definitely be a whole lot worse than they were, and he knew it. He removed his robe from a hook beside the storeroom door and replaced it with his apron. Then he turned out the rest of the lamps with a flick of his wand and headed out of the shop, locking it carefully behind him.