Chapter 9

Arizona had finally got Meredith to drive her home only to find Meredith had driven her to her own house.

"We cleared out the spare room, well Alex's old room really" she told her, "You need someone with you for at least 24 hours post discharge." She explained. Arizona had thanked her feeling lost, she really wanted to go home, to her one story home, with grab rails and accessible bathroom. Still her friend's heart was in the right place. Plus, Liz had suggested she start letting people in, even just a small amount, this seemed like a good start.

Maggie had made dinner Arizona sitting at the table with the family eating the pasta, it was nice. After Meredith took Ellis and Bailey for bath time while Arizona helped Zola with her math's homework. Working in peds was great for learning how to do math's in every grade. As soon as Zola went to bed Arizona followed without the buffer of the children she felt insecure knowing Maggie, Meredith and Amelia would want to talk. While she couldn't avoid it forever, she could for another night.

It was 3am when everyone woke up to screaming. Amelia was the fastest up being in the room next door.

"Arizona" she cried opening the door. Meredith followed close behind, "Maggie, go settle the kids" she ordered her younger sister. Arizona was pale and clammy,

"Get off no, get off" she was screaming fighting the blanket kicking out with her good leg and stump.

"Arizona, it's okay your safe" Meredith tried again.

"Please don't cut off my leg" Arizona muttered again, "I'm not nothing" she was fighting less instead just crying in her sleep.

"Arizona" Meredith began stroking her hair climbing into the bed one side as Amelia got in the other. They held her as she woke up tensing as she felt someone's presence with her and relaxing as she recognized Amelia and Meredith.

"Sorry if I woke you up" Arizona apologized ashamed.

"I was up with Ellis anyway she sleeps in the day so she can torture me overnight" Meredith moaned.

"And I never sleep long anyway. You want to talk about it?" Amelia asked. Arizona shook her head no, she never wanted to talk about any of it, or think about any of it.

"No, sorry for waking you" Arizona apologized again.

"Shove over" Amelia ordered, climbing into bed with her, "When I have nightmares I like being held".

"She does, really clingy" Meredith added rolling her eyes lying the other side of Arizona both holding her tightly. Initially the blonde remained tense but then started to relax in their hold and soon all 3 women were fast asleep.

It was little Ellis who woke them up in the morning, she was hungry and wet and not afraid to let everyone know. Meredith groaned waking up, she loved her daughter but wished she could sleep in past 5am.

Feeling the 2 women she was cuddled up to start to stir spurred her into action as she rolled out of bed. Before her little monster woke the whole house.

It was an hour later when Amelia woke to Meredith gently poking her,

"Thought you'd need to get up, you have surgeries all day" Meredith whispered, Amelia rubbed her eyes carefully extracting herself from the blonde.

"Thanks" she whispered back climbing out of bed. "Should we wake her?" Amelia asked, Meredith shook her head no,

"Leave her, she needs to sleep" Meredith stroked Arizona's hair sadly, still feeling like they had failed.

Arizona woke a few hours later to a silent house, her cheeks flamed with shame as she remembered waking everyone up in the middle of the night. Sitting on the edge of the bed she found her leg waiting for her along with her multivitamins, anti-emetics and pain pills with a glass of water. Leaving the bedroom she walked downstairs, someone was in the shower otherwise the house was empty, it felt awkward being there alone. She was used to being alone but in someone else's home it was weird. Figuring she had burdened the family enough with her nightmare and not wanting to suffocate them, Arizona decided it was time to go home. After all, she always ended up alone and although it was nice to have people, it was less painful to not get used to having people, that way when they left, and they always left, it didn't hurt.

Using her mobile, she ordered an uber and within minutes of waking up was gone from the Grey-Shepard home.

Meredith stepped out of the shower hearing the front door bang shut which was weird because there were only 2 people in the house herself and her guest who had been sleeping soundly 10 minutes earlier. Wrapping the towel around herself she went to the guest room to find it empty as was the rest of the house. Her guest was gone, swearing under her breath Meredith changed before getting into her car to chase after the Peds- fetal doctor only to realize she had no idea where the surgeon lived now. Instead, she rang Bailey dreading confessing to her mentor she had failed.

"Grey is Robbins, okay?"

"She left"

"What do you mean she left? Did she eat anything?"

"I don't think so, I was in the shower".

"Grey, she needs to eat".

"I know, I'll go get her. Where does she live?" Meredith asked, the silence down the phone said a lot.

"I'll check her personnel file" Bailey hung her up the phone. 5 minutes later Bailey had come through texting her an address. While she had been waiting, she had picked up breakfast. She drove noting it was 5 minutes from her own house and 10 minutes from the hospital. A house one story sat in a lovely garden covered in flowers, the house was painted a pale green mimicking the garden.

Climbing out of the car she knocked the door. Arizona answered, clearly confused,

"Hey, you left without breakfast" Meredith held up the doughnuts she had brought,

"Sorry, I didn't want to impose anymore" Arizona apologized,

"You weren't imposing, Zola loved having you and I think Bailey is crushing hard" Meredith joked, Arizona smiled, "Seriously, on the way to nursery he asked if Zona was going to stay every night".

"He is a cute kid" Arizona complimented letting Meredith in, her house was spotless, clinical, everything squared away.

"Thanks" Meredith entered the kitchen to get plates, noticing as she did so it was empty of any food, the fridge was clean the cupboards had plates and bowls but no food,

"I normally eat at the hospital" Arizona explained, "I don't like cooking for myself, it just doesn't seem worth it"

"Well anytime you want home cooked food you should come over, Maggie loves cooking and always makes loads, we have leftovers for days. Plus, you can help Zola with her homework again, I don't understand new math's" Meredith offered. Arizona gave a tired smile, she appreciated the effort Meredith was making, but still wasn't sure why.

"Thanks" she began eating some of the doughnut, it tasted much better than the cafeteria food she had been eating for months.

"We haven't been the best to you, I see that now, but you have a village here Arizona" Meredith promised, "Have you got anything for the baby yet?"

"No, I didn't, I haven't, I mean" Arizona stuttered, trying to explain that she had failed to notice, as one of the best mother and baby surgeons in the country she had failed to realize she was pregnant until recently.

"That's okay, I have lots left over, Ellis is growing out of her crib so we can bring that over this weekend and paint the nursery, we also have tons of baby clothes"

"Thanks"

"Just don't tell my kids we had doughnuts for breakfast" Meredith begged, Arizona gave a genuine smile,

"As long as you don't tell Sofia".

"Promise".

"Great, which room is the nursery going to be in?" Meredith asked, Arizona stood,

"This one, next to mine and opposite Sofia's"

"It's a great room, what color?" Meredith questioned, Arizona shrugged,

"I don't know I'm sorry I can't do this yet" She left the room quickly, going to the bathroom leaning over the toilet and throwing up her breakfast. Meredith followed holding her hair then getting a glass of water.

"Thanks" Arizona "Sorry you had to see that?" She apologized again, Meredith was here trying to be a friend and she had ruined that by vomiting, now she was going to think she hadn't liked the breakfast,

"Stop apologizing," Meredith replied frustrated, Arizona it her lip trying not to say sorry again.

"Want a lift to the hospital" Meredith asked knowing Arizona had a therapy appointment. Arizona shrugged, she wanted to drive herself, but Bailey had made it very clear on discharge she wasn't allowed to drive until after the baby was born. She could catch a cab but that seemed stupid when Meredith was going there anyway.

"Thanks" She accepted she hadn't eaten but after vomiting once knew there was no point even trying.

"You have to try eat" Meredith pointed out, "Because Bailey is going to ask, and I'm not lying to her and you know if you haven't eaten, she might readmit you," Arizona groaned, "just one doughnut, if you get to the hospital and faint Bailey is going to have us both on scut, forever".

"Fine" Arizona relented standing up from the bathroom, "I'll try" Meredith held the door open as Arizona went back to the kitchen, this time even the smell of doughnuts made her nauseous. Still, she took a nibble fighting the sick feeling building up.

She kept it down but didn't dare take anymore not with a car ride in the future. At the hospital she met nobody on her way to therapy, Arizona was glad, her nerves were shot, she didn't want to act fine when she really wasn't.

After her appointment Karev was there walking her up to Peds, she was allowed to consult for a few hours each day, as long as she ate. Thankfully he didn't bring up the rape or the pregnancy instead filling her in on Bradley a short gut kid and his proposed treatment plan.

Each day her counselling continued, complex PTSD, anxiety, and depression. She had ESMR therapy twice a week, a rape support group and an amputee support group once a week. It was intense. At work she had a whole raft of people supporting her. Not that she invited them to, but the village had woken up and rallied, it was rare they left her alone in the day. Maggie, Amelia or Meredith drove her to work in the morning, Alex and Jo always made sure she ate breakfast, Jo was on her service, and had been given responsibility for making sure she didn't work to many hours. Arizona was considering offering her a fellowship once the residency was complete.

Normally she did 2-3 surgeries a day, one in the morning 2 in the afternoon. Meredith was on lunch duty; Bailey was on home time. Every night Bailey would order someone to take her home no later than 6pm. On a Monday or Wednesday someone would drive her to her support groups, normally Richard or Amelia both battling their own demons having their own support groups at the community centre to attend. For her counselling appointment someone would always walk her there, initially Bailey but the last few times it had been Owen, who knew what ESMR was and appreciated that just having someone nearby helped. After they shared a coffee, both needing the quiet space to process the emotions and memories ESMR had brought up.

Though therapy Arizona was working on not feeling worthless and unwanted, she did have friends and she had forced them away. The first person she had pushed away was Alex. It wasn't Alex's fault she had been on the plane not him. Therapy had made her come to terms with the fact she had chosen to go onto the plane, but she hadn't known it was going to crash, nobody knew that she could have stayed in Seattle and been hit by a car. Alex hadn't crashed the plane; Alex hadn't known the crash was going to happen. Alex was not at fault.

She had broken HIPPA to tell Jackson about April's baby, to push April away, she had slept with Lauren to push Callie away. She had sent Sofia to live with Callie to force the young girl away. She'd stopped going out with Richard, stopped replying to text messages, stopped going out, all of that was then compounded by the rape justifying that feeling, when she went out bad things happened. None of that was an excuse, after her course of ESMR was counselling, now she could talk more about her trauma.

Firstly, was a recognition of PTSD and the behaviours it had caused, using Lauren to soothe her hurt, to boost her ego, to destroy Callie. Cheating was the one behaviour that Callie wouldn't forgive, and yet she had still done it. It was hard to recall the actual episode it appeared to be a fog, an out of body experience. But still she had done it. She might have PTSD, and dissociation but ultimately it was still her that was responsible.

Then was the anger towards Callie and their friends. They were literal miracle workers, Arizona had seen it repeatedly, patients surviving against all odds with surgeries that were world leading. For 4 days she had told herself again and again if she could survive getting back to Seattle Grace, she'd be okay, Callie would fix her, Callie was an ortho Goddess, she'd fix her. Callie had invented liquid Cartlidge she could fix a broken leg. Instead, she had spent more time fixing Derek Shepard's hand, or sitting with Mark than she had trying to save her leg.

Consciously or not Arizona felt betrayed, Callie had promised her she'd find a way, promised, and she had cut off her own wife's leg. That said a lot about a relationship a wife cutting off her own wife's leg. The broken promise to save it. It was an unfair promise, she could see that now. If she had to choose between a deformed Callie and a dead Callie, she'd chose a deformed Callie every time. There was another promise Callie at broken before the crash, she'd promised not to leave, she had promised to stay and do what she couldn't, and Arizona had pushed her away and Callie had let herself be pushed. They'd spent a while working on her language, Liz wasn't a fan of Arizona calling herself deformed, crippled or a slut even if that's what she was.

Most recently it was how she'd forced Callie to be her doctor, someone should have said no, conflict of interest, Callie or Owen should have said no. She needed her wife; she'd gotten Dr Torres. Callie's guilt at not saving her leg, with her own hatred of Doctor Torres had meant her recovery was done alone. Callie hadn't even slept with her at night, they'd slept separately, making Arizona feel disgusting and worthless, she had wanted her wife with her, but couldn't because her wife was also Dr Torres, the one who had held the bone saw and removed her leg. Arizona was hurt, that Callie could do that, even to save her life, there was one thing saying yes to surgery, there was another to physically be able to harm the one you loved the most. Arizona knew, with Sofia in surgery she hadn't been able to watch, even though it had all gone well so how could Callie do that?

One the activities in her journal had been writing about who Callie was and who Dr Torres was, both similar but Callie was warm, sexy, an amazing mother and wife, who woke up early on her days off to make pancakes for her daughter, Dr Torres was professional, a genius, a winner, Dr Torres would never lose, Callie often lost at games with her daughter or her wife just to see them smile.

Dr Torres had hired her home help nurse, an evil woman with a high focus on rehabilitation, Callie would have consulted Arizona found someone both women liked. Arizona had stood by and supported Callie when Callie had fired 3 physios in a row, Arizona had spent the time with Callie searching for someone who would work with Callie. Dr Torres hadn't done the same. Just screaming at her and leaving her alone when Arizona had fired 2 nurses. One of which had been homophobic calling Sofia a child of sin, the other barging into the bedroom and dragging her out of bed to use crutches to walk. When Arizona had asked for help, she had physically dragged her out of her chair berating her for being useless. Arizona didn't let anyone speak to her that way, let alone hired help.

Then there was Mark, lying in bed alone watching the clock as 5pm came and went knowing the man she shared a child with, a man she'd spent 4 long days tried to keep alive and motivated died. Callie had gone to work she was desperate to return, to leave her, she only knew he had died when she had come home, instead of telling her Mark was dead Dr Torres had berated her for not getting out of bed, for not walking. Callie would have joined her cuddled, told her Mark was dead, understood that on the day they waited for a 3rd man she considered a brother to die her own recovery was going to take a back seat. With hindsight Arizona could see that Callie was in pain too, she'd lost her best friend and was receiving all the anger Arizona could amount, effectively loosing 2 of the most important people in her life, as well as practically being a single parent, and being responsible for saving the career of the worlds best neurosurgeon. Callie had been overwhelmed, and so she had retreated, and the bolder, braver, more decisive but less sensitive Dr Torres had emerged.

They'd explored her anger and betrayal in therapy. That's where they were up to 4 weeks in and still discussing the plane crash, the trigger for the PTSD. All while working, while trying to keep her life as normal as possible. Even though she was 8 months pregnant Arizona desperately tried to keep her schedule.

The weekends were enforced off. Again, she was rarely alone, Jackson and April had taken charge of the nursery, why she'd brought a 4-bed house she'd never knew and now it made sense. They'd painted the unused office, a pale yellow with animals along the wall, a white crib and dresser lined the other wall, with a wardrobe next to the window. It was perfect.

She was now living alone in her house; Andrew had moved out to live with his girlfriend months ago. Arizona was thankful in some ways but in others she missed the safety he brought.

Monday morning came with another therapy session, this one pretending she was Callie, that she had lost Mark and had to decide whether to lose her wife or break a promise. Then dealing with her wife with severe PTSD, depression, while working full time, childcare from 3 parents down to 1, dealing with Mark's will, the lawsuit, and fixing the best Neurosurgeons in the US's hand. It was a lot, and Arizona knew she had only added to the stress, firing the home help nurse, refusing to go to therapy. It was difficult but Arizona knew part of therapy was owning mistakes, working out what could be done better and empathising with others. She had pushed and pushed, and Callie hadn't moved she had been there, until Arizona pushed too hard, the affair, the moment she had broken a promise back, the most important promise.

The therapy session ended there with Arizona reflecting on how they could have communicated better. How she should have asked Callie for space instead of pushing her away, or ask for Callie to come closer, she should have asked for time to grieve Mark or asked if she could review the homecare nurse files to find one that was a good fit. While Callie needed someone to push her Arizona was the opposite needing time and more subtle persuasion. Instead, she had checked out of the relationship, had become a passive observer.

After therapy Arizona walked to the car park wondering who'd be on pick up duty today. It was strange, having people turn up day after day to be there for her.

"Momma" Sofia ran across the car park, shocked Arizona scooped her up, her daughter was supposed to be in New York. She smelt her savouring the strawberry shampoo her daughter used.

"Sofia, what are you doing here?" Arizona said surprised, ignoring the ache in her back caused by lifting Sofia for so long, she didn't care it was worth it to hold her daughter close.

"Surprise" Sofia declared gleefully. "Mama brought me".

"Callie" Arizona greeted awkwardly,

"Surprise, we are back. Penny and I broke up and Sofia missed her Momma, so here we are" Callie announced.

Arizona smiled awkwardly holding her daughter. It had been 8 months since she had seen her ex-wife and she looked really good, her hair was longer slightly curled ending just as her shoulders, which were being shown off with a strap top, and tight jeans. If they'd been together Arizona wouldn't be able to keep her hands off her, but that was then.

"Here let me take her you shouldn't be lifting" Callie noticed her large swollen stomach. Since the whole of Seattle Grace had taken it was their personal mission to feed her up her stomach had popped out.

"No," Arizona protested, "Please, I can take her I need her, please Callie just tonight" she begged. Unable to deny her ex-wife Callie nodded.

"I can drive" she offered trying to build bridges with her ex. She had suspicions on how her lesbian ex-wife had ended up pregnant. While she hoped it was a sperm donor and that Arizona had decided to go at it alone, she was huge, which put it about the time she left. She hoped her suspicions were wrong. On seeing Arizona, her pale face, the amount of weight she had lost even with her swollen stomach her worse case scenarios were coming true.

"Don't worry we can get a lift" Arizona said, not wanting to rely on Callie. She'd spent 8 months and 4 intensive weeks processing her feelings and wasn't ready for the onslaught of emotions she was having.

"Okay, goodbye Sofia, I'll see you tomorrow" Callie offered also feeling out of sorts "I'm staying at the Archfield if you need anything,"

Callie and Sofia are back, both Arizona and Callie are admitting their faults but will they be able to come together