Jack felt the sunlight from the window on his skin, and there was something warm and heavy on his chest. Ianto's bed was soft and luxurious, far more than anything Jack would ever sleep in on his own. Jack sighed contentedly, snuggling into the pillows and enjoying the warm weight. He'd had such awful dreams last night; it was no wonder he'd given up sleeping. There was, however, something to be said for waking up sprawled on a comfortable bed with Ianto draped across him. Eyes still closed, Jack smiled and reached up to stroke his hair.
-I am not your lover, immortal,- a voice snapped irritably in his mind, and Jack realized abruptly that there was too much soft and not enough skin. What was that smell?
"Gyah!" Jack jerked upright, or he tried to; the thing on his chest was too heavy for any real movement. What he'd thought was Ianto's head and shoulders turned out to be—"A badger?"
-What did you expect, the Queen of Chaos?—
The creature was large and shaggy, and it watched him with cold, intelligent eyes in a black and white face. Its heavy claws were braced on the blanket covering Jack's chest, and its wet nose was inches above his own. It was, very definitely, not Ianto. Jack stared, and then composed himself. Well, he reasoned, he'd seen stranger in his lifetime. Telepathic badgers that came from nowhere were not entirely out of the question. What was the worst that could happen? It was not like it could kill him.
"Well, certainly not a talking badger," he replied gamely, not missing a beat, and tilted his chin down to observe the creature in question. "What can I do for you?"
-You will keep Daine and Numair safe. — The badger stared fiercely into Jack's eyes, and Jack looked steadily right back, not cowed in the slightest, although he was more than a little bemused. –There are terrible things to come in this realm, and we find ourselves powerless. You will keep them safe.—
Jack blinked at the demand. Well, he thought, this was a random set of circumstance."I will, will I? What's in it for me?" he asked the creature quietly. It was a question that the Doctor had taught him to stop asking, but the universe, in its cruel way, had reversed the lesson.
The badger on his chest huffed a little. Warm, musky breath whispered across Jack's face. He wrinkled his nose. -Plenty of things,- the animal said. -Things that you will need, if I do not miss my mark. But we will bargain later, there are things you must know.—
Things that he would need? Jack scowled, not liking the prediction. "Of all the people in the universe for the asking, trust me when I say that I'm not a terribly good bodyguard. Who says I'm going to help you, anyway? I don't even know who you are, or what you are, for that matter," he added darkly.
-I do not care,- the badger said offhandedly, and Jack winced at the feel of the heavy claws digging into the blanket. How had he thought this was Ianto? The damn thing smelled. Talk about wishful thinking. -I know you are from beyond these realms, and so you will understand things that are beyond the gods here,— the creature continued.
Jack stared at the animal, feeling rather out of his depth, and not enjoying it in the slightest. Gods? "Who are you?"
The badger didn't answer his question. - There are things you need to know, Lone Wolf,— it reiterated, which was completely unhelpful. And Jack wasn't called Lone Wolf. He didn't think so, anyway. He wracked his brain. Where had that come from? Nope, the name didn't ring any bells. Of course, he had a bone to pick with a certain Wolf, but that probably wasn't relevant. Was it? How would this animal know? Jack barely knew about the Bad Wolf himself. This damn planet was weird, he thought sourly. -This world is not like the others of your universe,— continued the animal.
Your universe, Jack thought. That was odd, too. Oh, who was he kidding. He was lying in bed with a telepathic badger. The whole thing was odd. "Well, given the talking badger, I can see that," he replied without asking why this might be separate from the universe Jack considered as his own. There were more pressing matters, certainly, most notably that the creature must've weighed around fifty pounds and Jack was starting to have trouble breathing.
A heavy paw cuffed him swiftly. "Ow!" Jack complained, startled, shifting to cup his smarting head. "What was that for? And will you get off my chest? I can't breathe."
The badger complied and Jack sat up, the luxurious blankets Daine and Numair had supplied pooling around his waist. He patted them ruefully, almost immediately missing the warmth. The creature stood beside him, looking up and glaring.
-That was for speaking freshly to me, immortal. You may be unable to die, but that is no reason to disrespect me. -
It knows. The thought flashed an alarm bell in his mind. How could it know that Jack could not die? "Disrespect you?" Jack demanded incredulously, staring down at the badger, rubbing his head. His alarm did not show even in his eyes. "You woke me up! I thought you were—" His voice faded and his hand dropped. "I thought you were someone I missed," he finished bitterly, gathering a handful of the blanket into his fist uncomfortably.
The badger averted its eyes, actually looking apologetic. –I am sorry about the ones you lost,— it murmured.
Jack bristled. "What do you know of it?" he spat. This grief he could not hide. His knuckles turned white.
-Yours is not the only world that has been visited by those you call the Four-five-six, Captain Jack Harkness.— The creature's mind-voice was filled with regret, and Jack felt a tremor run down his spine.
There was a silence while he stared at the badger with a slowly growing horror, more shivers creeping down his back. Unwanted memories rose to the surface, and he fought to push them away. We are coming, said the children. It was too fresh, the trauma too thick to lock behind a mental door. Anything else he could bluff - this, however, was still a raw and sore, and something he kept very, very secret for that reason. Suddenly, he was afraid. "How did you—" Jack began after a moment.
-They tried to come. They failed.— The badger's voice was flat and matter-of-fact.
Guilt hit Jack with the force of a train, and he was unable to hide it from his face and voice. "You—you stopped them."
-Yes and no. The people here do not have the technology to communicate with them. They attempted to converse with the gods of this world.— The badger bared its teeth. –We refused. The Great Gods silenced them once, and they did not come back. We heard of your world. You have no gods to defend you.–
"Gods?" Jack scoffed, forcing the most pressing matter of the badger's explanation to the forefront of his mind, and letting his memories of that awful week fade away.
(A room, a box filled with blue smoke; a memory that would not, could not die. "A thousand years time? You won't remember me.")
Jack swallowed. I promise I will, he thought, and shut the memory away.
The badger was glaring at him. –Yes. That is why I'm here. I have been ordered to tell you where you are, and then strike a bargain with you.—
Right. Conversation. Jack tuned back in. "I'm in a very comfortable bed in Tortall with a talking badger," he scowled. Jack was no fool; Numair Salmalin had given him his location seconds after they had met, and he'd filed it away, like a good conman. "I know exactly where I am."
The badger gave him a skeptical look. -You are on a planet that calls itself earth, but not Earth. This section of the universe forms a pouch. It is almost closed off from the rest, almost its own universe, but not quite. – It regarded him seriously.
Jack blinked and then scowled, understanding. That certainly explained a lot. "I'm in a pocket universe, with its own laws of physics," he stated and then fell back onto the pillows of his bed. "I shouldn't be surprised," he told the ceiling. "I'm immortal. I'm mythical myself. Alright then, I suppose you're Clio, the God of Tampons, who takes the form of a great badger?"
It hit him so fast that Jack didn't even have time to blink. "Ow!" he yelped.
- Do not mock me, Captain Harkness, - the badger growled, waddling forward to glare at him from above. –I am the male badger god, and I was assigned by Weiryn to be Daine's guardian. This whole world is in danger.—
Badger gods. Good, he thought sarcastically, and remained supine, matching the badger glare for glare. "You don't want me to save your world," Jack said darkly. "And you don't want me to guard individuals. The people I protect tend to die."
The badger snorted and moved away. Jack sat up when it said, -These two will not. –
"What's in it for me?" Jack reiterated.
The animal regarded him coolly from where it was standing on the duvet, huge and stinking and hairy. Those claws looked pretty vicious, and its eyes were eerily intelligent. –Well, for one we will allow you to stay here.—
"Allow me to stay here?" Jack demanded indignantly. The creature huffed a little, annoyed.
-This world is protected by the gods here,- it explained, -We have our own laws, and we do not let outsiders in lightly. You were allowed because of your… unique status, Captain, and you are protected. We have lost something, you see, and we want you to get it back. If you help, you will stay. You will get warm meals and comfortable living. We can offer you favors – a few of the gods would act in your stead, if you so wish. –
Jack frowned, although the conman in him was suddenly paying rapt attention."What sort of favors are you offering?"
The badger gave the impression of shrugging. -Almost anything you wish. The Great Gods are willing. Do you want monetary payment? We can get you gold. Food? Clothes? We can fix that coat of yours, if you like.—
"The coat is not a bargaining piece," Jack said flatly, and the badger did not bat an eye.
-Very well. Will you help? –
"Give me a day or two to get my coat fixed," Jack told the animal slowly, "I'll think about it. Once it's fixed, we'll talk."
-Very well.—
Silver light filled the room, and the badger was gone. Jack stared at the ceiling. "That," he said very slowly, "Was one of the oddest things that I have ever seen, and that is definitely saying something."