All things Twilight are the sole property of the divine Stephenie Meyers. This fan fic is purely for entertainment with no other gain. No copyright infringement is intended. Think of it as an homage…
IMPORTANT AUTHOR'S NOTE: I frakked up when I uploaded 93 Million Miles! The page crashed, I was in a hurry, and when I reloaded I forgot to check 'complete' – 93 was supposed to be a one-shot!
That said, I here offer an outtake of a conversation that Simply. Had. To Happen.
Hope you enjoy it!
Absolution
"Rats!" I grumped to myself as I looked down the long line of parked cars. No spaces left anywhere even close to my apartment. As I cruised slowly, I could just make out one spot at the farthest end of the lot, under the broken security light, completely in shadow. The creepy place, great. I pulled in with a sigh.
Wearily, I gathered my things together. It had been a long-ass day, to use one of Jake's terms: a full class load and then work.
The gig had been some sort of charity do, where I had been assigned to tend bar, something I disliked because I didn't feel very competent at it. Not to mention that at this sort of gathering people were determined to get every penny's worth of value from their ticket price – which included an open bar. It had been madly busy and, of course, the bar was the last thing to shut down. I was beat.
A little whimper escaped my lips as I slid out of the car and put my weight on my swollen, achy feet. I affirmed to myself that the reward of trudging the length of the lot and up the stairs would be a stinging hot shower, or maybe a bath, with half an hour of non-required reading and –
Movement caught the corner of my eye. I froze, gripped in the cold clutch of fear, the frantic rhythm of my heart almost choking me. Slowly, with every nerve on edge, I scanned the deserted parking lot, searching the shadows with my eyes.
Someone was there, waiting for me.
My visitor hesitated at the brink of the darkness, luminous skin gleaming faintly in the far off glow of the street lamp, and waited, perfectly motionless. Beautiful, graceful, heartbreaking.
"Hello, Bella." The voice had the same poignant, bell-like quality I had recalled countless times in aching detail.
Paralyzed, I could only stare in disbelief; a hallucination, that must be it.
"I-I wasn't sure if you'd be glad to see me or not…" The apparition emerged from the concealing shadows.
"Alice." The word trickled from my lips in the merest breath of sound. Tentatively, she held out a dainty hand, her topaz eyes were wide and wary.
My rain jacket, back pack and textbooks fell unheeded to the ground and I launched myself at her. "Alice, oh, uff!" I'd forgotten how hard she was; it was like running headlong into a wall of cement.
Gingerly, she returned my embrace, then carefully disentangled herself from my arms. Our eyes were locked as we studied each other intently for a long moment. Tears welled in my eyes, tears of shock and joy, and of remembered sadness at the way I had missed her.
Alice looked as if she would be tearful, too, if such a thing were possible. My friend, whom I had never seen caught off balance in any social situation, seemed as uncertain as I felt.
"H-how have you been?" she asked timidly.
A whirl of possible answers boiled up in my mind: angry, sorrowful, sarcastic, accusing words, words meant to lash out and exact a measure of the anguish that had nearly destroyed me.
"It's been almost four years, Alice, is that the best you can do? Small talk?" The harsh reply was out of my lips before I could stop it. Hastily I amended, "Oh crap, let me start over! Um, I've…never been better, in lots of ways. Other ways, sort of ordinary, you know?" I gave a little one shoulder shrug and an apologetic smile.
As the reality of the situation sank in, my reactions to my visitor were unsettling me. At one time the appearance of Alice would have transported me with happiness, second only to the presence of one other. That had been a long time ago.
Truly, I was delighted to see her, and yet…my life – my very being – was different than before. Any conversation we had would have to include something of the sort.
"Listen, we don't have to stand here in the parking lot! Why don't you come up to my place, we can really talk there." I started picking up my belongings from where they lay on the pavement.
"I better not, it wouldn't be a good idea. " Alice murmured reluctantly. "I tried to go up there before to wait. I-it smells really bad all around your apartment, Bella." Her nose wrinkled in distaste.
Good grief, of course, Jacob's scent would be all over the place. I wondered how much she knew, or could guess, about certain particulars of my life.
"Ah, there's a little all-night coffee place a couple of blocks away, we can go there?" I ventured. Neutral territory, so to speak, that would be better.
Hurriedly, I threw my things in the back seat of my car, turning in time to see Alice looking disdainfully at my outfit.
"I just got off work." I said, explaining my conservatively cut black pants and staid white blouse to her. "I work for a caterer."
She nodded, a bit skeptically. I had the feeling she could mentally see into my closet and the array of discount store jeans and faded hoodies that comprised my wardrobe.
"It's funny to see you drive something other than that old truck," was the observation as we settled into the Spectra I had acquired – well, that Jake had found for me – when I decided to attend school away from home. I found myself casting covert glances at Alice: there was something different about her, I just couldn't quite place what it was.
"Charlie inherited my truck," I explained. "He uses it for his fishing trips. Sue – that's his girlfriend – says it's a disgrace and she's threatening to disable it and turn it into a planter box."
A squeal at the revelation of activity in my father's love life sounded more like the Alice I remembered and the topic kept us going through the brief drive.
We arrived at The Grounds Keeper and brightly made inconsequential conversation as we got our order and found a discreet table. We sat in uneasy silence for a few moments, then both tried to speak at the same time.
"Tell me about-"
"Why did you-"
We stopped, and giggled self-consciously. My companion made one of her impossibly graceful gestures, indicating for me to go first.
"Why did you come to see me? I mean, why now and not…before?" I couldn't help asking.
Alice hesitated a moment before answering, "At first, Edward made us all promise not to contact you; he made me promise not to even look for you in my mind. But I can't always help it you know… and so…for a long time I, we, thought you were dead."
That made me sit up straight. "Dead? I-I -." I was struck speechless.
Her voice was very low in remembered pain as she haltingly said, "I wasn't keeping tabs on you, I swear. It's just that I'm already attuned to you…I saw you jump from a cliff," she choked, "I saw you go into the water and I waited and waited for you to come up, but you didn't. Where you should have, there was just – nothing. It was several months before… we heard that you had survived."
The golden eyes were huge in her delicate face as she whispered, "I – don't mean to belittle what you must have gone through, Bella, and I'm so, so sorry, but you have no idea what …we all felt when we thought you had…taken your life. That was a very bad time."
Holding myself almost as still as my companion, I mulled this over. Somehow, I had always thought that if, a big if, Alice had ever looked into my life, that my motives and feelings would be as plain to her as my actions.
"I-I never thought of that...I didn't think that you-", I swallowed the word "cared" before it was uttered – how petulant that sounded, even in my mind.
Her hand crept across the table and the cold marble fingers closed carefully around mine, "I know we had no claim on you anymore, but how could you even think of doing that to Charlie?" Her gaze was reproachful but I sensed that the rebuke was only partly directed at me.
Now I realized what about her had changed: her "human" gestures, expressions, blinking and the like, were no longer second nature to her. Each reaction was just the tiniest beat off: she was having to remember to act "normal", a skill she had previously taken considerable pride in.
"We-e-ll," I began slowly, "I wasn't really in my right mind at the time, that's true, but it's not what you think."
With many stops and starts I sketched an outline of my life, especially my obsessive quest to hear Edward's voice in my head. As I spoke, I drank in the minute changes to her exquisite face: the mannerisms seemed to be coming to her more easily. In fact, her pain was so evident that I found myself glossing over some details.
"You know, I very nearly came to Forks when I saw that–that vision, but then I figured that I'd be just about the last person Charlie would want to see." She gave a flick of an exquisite eyebrow to indicate the thought we were both having: there would have been one person even less welcome.
A thought had been nudging my brain: "You saw me jump that day," I mused aloud, "I wonder why you couldn't see Jacob rescue me."
She frowned in perplexity. "Someone pulled you out?"
"Yes. Jacob saved me." I felt a little smile form on my lips, a welcome respite from the tension and remembered sorrow of my revelations. "That day was sort of…well, in a way, I think I had been drowning for a long time, then when Jake pulled me out of the water and got me breathing again, I kind of realized that I could have a life and that I wanted one. He gave me that."
An enigmatic range of emotions flitted across her face. Something was bothering her, was it her imperfect vision?
In a rush words spilled from her mouth, as if excusing her lapse, "I hadn't, well, seen you as – one of us for quite some time, uh, maybe, maybe, you stopped seeing that as a possible future, yourself..." Her voice trailed off uncertainly, "It's not an exact thing, you know, just things that might happen, based on choices and… and other variables.
"So-o-o, tell me about this Jacob. He's special, isn't he?" Was it my imagination, or did her inviting smile seem a trifle…forced? Surely she didn't expect me to still be pining over her brother, or did she?
"Very." My mind raced as I tried to decide what, and how much, to tell her. Cautiously, I asked, "Were you with Carlisle the first time he came to Forks? Has he, um, ever told you about the treaty? With the…Protectors?" I looked at her meaningfully, biting my lower lip, willing her to make the connection.
"Uh!" She slumped against leatherette bench – gracefully, elegantly – with a sigh of resignation. "Well, that explains some things! Like that smell!"
Shaking her head in gentle admonition, she chided, "Leave it to you, Bella. Anyone else would be better off when the vampires left town. But you have to start hanging out with the first monsters you can find."
"I don't expect you to understand, Alice. I-I know they're your enemies, but…." I should have known better than to make such an assumption.
Giving me an elaborately patient look, my tiny friend retorted, "Bella, no one understands about another person's choice in love, or lack of it, but I do understand something about love itself. I'm… happy for you. Really. You do love him; I can see it in your face."
I nodded vigorously, awash with relief that the disclosure had gone so easily. She didn't seem as surprised as I would have thought, maybe she saw more about me than she realized.
Resting my chin on my clasped hands, I looked off into space as I tried to marshal the words that would explain my attachment to my wolf boy, "He was so patient with me, when I was… he patched the broken places, but only when I was ready. Now I can't even tell where the patches are – it's all better than new. He's strong, in all kinds of ways, and funny, and just so…alive."
Something compelled me to add, "And he's really, really sexy." For some reason it seemed important to establish that the two of us had a complete relationship.
It was a treat to talk about Jacob this way. I didn't think that I took him for granted, but everyone else did. Everybody we knew had been in on our love affair since the beginning; I never got to discuss my feelings for him.
"He makes you happy." It was a statement, not a question.
"Even more, Jacob taught me how to be a happy person, but…it is better when he's around. " I had to blink my eyes at the sudden upwelling of emotion as, abruptly, I felt a sharp pang of missing him.
"I'm so glad to hear that, Bella. I hate to say this about my own brother – and as much as I would have loved to have you for a sister – but you…wouldn't have gotten all of that from Edward. I mean, he certainly would have tried to make you happy, but-"
"-but he would have been trying." We said the words in unison, and then laughed a trifle guiltily.
"Edward is such a dear, but immortality isn't a good thing for those prone to – to melancholia." Alice shook her head a little sadly. I decided it was time for a subject change.
"Er, how is… everyone? The family? Jasper?"
"The last time I spoke to Esme, she and Carlisle seemed to be doing pretty well, but she misses us a lot."
"Spoke to her? Misses you? You don't – you aren't-?" I stopped, I hadn't really ever thought of the Cullen's lives as changing ever. I had simply assumed that they would go on just the same as when I had known them, only in a different location.
"We don't all live together anymore." Alice said quietly. To someone who hadn't known her as I had, who hadn't zealously examined and re-examined every memory, she probably would have sounded matter of fact. I could tell she was grieving.
"Because of me?" I whispered, stricken.
"No, because of us." She said bitterly. "Because of what we are. We're not just some interesting variation of 'normal', you know, like nudists or freegans or people who play at being Druids… we're monsters, even if we try to make believe we're human."
"You have to tell me." I urged, "You wouldn't have come here if you didn't mean to tell me."
Slowly, reluctantly even, Alice gave me a sketch of the lives of the family I had once hoped to join.
"Jasper took Edward's leaving very hard… he hasn't ever been able to forgive himself for what happened that night; he feels that the breakup of the family is his fault." She looked away, as if to hide tears that she could not shed but only feel. "Ever since that night when he…"
"Oh, no, Alice!" I broke in, "Please, tell him from me that I never blamed him a bit, I never even thought about it. It –it just was something that …happened."
The true reason for her visit was now very clear and, surprisingly perhaps, I found that I didn't mind at all.
I got a sick feeling at the idea of Jasper punishing himself for something I hadn't considered at all: that aspect had not concerned me. I gulped at the thought of my self-preoccupation.
Jasper and I hadn't been at all well acquainted, even as close as I had been to Alice, but I had a deep certainty that he would be even better at self recriminations than I was.
Leaning forward, I laid a hand on top of one of hers and said with all the conviction I could muster, "Really, Alice, I have a good life, the best. I wouldn't have what I do if…things hadn't happened as they did. I know Jasper has to make his own peace with it all, but for my part, well, it couldn't be better."
A tremulous smile was her answer and the conversation turned again to a light discussion of the Cullens. I realized that her descriptions were purposefully somewhat vague as to whereabouts and details; that I could understand: there would be no further contact.
Regarding Edward she said only that he was living in Europe now, studying music and art, among other things. I was glad to hear it; his talent at the piano deserved such nurturing.
At last, my long, tiring day caught up with me, in spite of the charge my visitor had given me, and Alice insisted that we leave. We stood outside my apartment building for a long moment, reluctant to say a final good-bye.
Impulsively, I asked, "Can you see anything in the future for me?" Not really hoping, but still…
With that far-away look of 'seeing', she touched my face with one chilly finger tip.
"Brown-eyed children."
A wistful smile, whiff of scented air, and she was gone.
There were so many things I wished I had told her, wished I had asked, but it had all gone by so fast!
It was as though a burden had been lifted from me, one I had not been entirely aware of until it was gone. This must be what people meant by closure. My footsore weariness of earlier was forgotten as I mounted the stairs to my apartment.
I had not wavered in my love for Jacob at any time in the past three years, but always in the far back of my mind had been the question: what if I had to choose between the two loves? What if Edward were to become a reality again instead of a remembered ideal – would I still make the same choice?
Alice's visit had told me all I needed to know: the point was moot – I had…kindly feelings toward Edward; I certainly wished him only good things in life, well, existence. But he was only a memory, and one I could let go of now.
It was a little deflating to realize that I could not share my new found freedom with Jacob, but Alice and I had agreed at that it would be best for Jake, and by extension the rest of the pack, not to know of her visit.
Absently, I put away my things, then drifted into the bathroom. I sat on the edge of the tub, waiting for it to fill, and began to make some plans…
TEN DAYS LATER
I checked over my preparations one more time. For about the fiftieth time. Apartment tidy, table set, clothes laid out. I fidgeted with the place settings.
"Really, Bella," I told myself, "If you polish the glasses any more they'll wear out! Relax."
Driven by my nerves I couldn't seem to help myself. I looked in the refrigerator yet again. Yup, the food I had bought and prepared was still there – just like the last time I looked.
In my anxiety for everything to be perfect I had made all my preparations way too early, Jacob wouldn't be here for another couple of hours. It was a lot of time to kill and the words I planned to say were running round and round my brain, leaving a sore groove in their wake.
I sat down primly in the center of my shabby sofa and tried to settle myself to wait...
-oOo-
Alice POV
Four years should be nothing for an Immortal, but when you're watching someone you love suffer, it's an eternity.
It was as though a burden had been lifted from me, as I sped through the sleeping city to where I had left my car. I didn't think much of Bella's neighborhood and hadn't wanted to park my darling Cayenne any closer. I giggled to myself: the way I felt right now I could have happily dispensed with a car altogether and run all the way to Seattle to where Jasper was waiting for me.
My hand was already in my purse, closing on my phone when it rang.
"Wow, you're getting good! It's what, like seven thousand miles?"
A musical sigh, then, "I asked you not to do that, Alice."
"No, you ordered me not to, and I went with it for as long as I could."
"But, Alice-"
"I understood your reasons, now please try to understand mine. You're my brother, Edward, and I love you, but Jasper's my husband – I owe him different things than I do you."
I tried to give my voice the right pitch of crisp determination mixed with sympathy as I pointed out, "You're not the only one who's suffered from this."
"I promised…"
"And I didn't give anything away, give me some credit here. I told her the truth, as far as I could, but nothing about…you know."
"How is she? Is she still with...him?"
"Oh, she's with him, alright. Apartment, clothes, car, everything reeks!"
"But is she happy?"
I paused for a fraction of a second, I had thought I was prepared for this question, but now…truth or downplay it?
I opened my mouth, still undecided, and heard myself saying, "She shines, Edward. She's prettier than ever and she didn't trip once, and it's-."
"-because of him." My ever-punctilious brother actually interrupted me. "Thank God!" He added, and then laughed – a trifle bitterly, to be sure – but it was a laugh nonetheless.
There was a clicking sound as my jaw, which had been hanging open, snapped shut.
"Talk about a deafening silence, Alice! Y'know, I could feel the lecture you were winding up to give me."
"In my next immortal life I hope I don't get a smart-ass brother who reads minds!"
"Such language, sister-mine!"
"I would have told you, I just wanted…to find the best time?" I tried not to squeak.
"So, you were shaking in your size fives at the thought of my reaction, poor girl. I…owe you an apology for making you feel you had to choose between me and Jasper."
"I wish-" I stopped there. Bella was plainly happy and thriving, to want things to be different would be…selfish.
"I know. I wish – I'll always wish – it could be me, but the main thing is for Bella to… to have…" Silence.
"You're a good man, Edward."
"Not really," he said with a shaky sigh, "but I'm working on it. I better let you go. Love you."
"Love you," I replied.
"And Alice? Thank you, I-, well, just thank you."
He hung up. I drove sedately – for me, that is – for several minutes, thinking of all the ways I admired my brother.
Then, a flick of my thumb on the phone and, "Jasper? I'm almost there. Why don't you…"
………
I have a side shot that takes place at the same time as the above, called Jacob's Ladder, that is about five lemony sentences from completion, it will post VERY shortly.
By reviewer request, an EPOV of certain events from Moonshadow is in the works.