Chapter One:
Walmart
Okay. So you've probably heard stories about all the stupid stuff I've done. But I'm gonna set the record straight.
These are a couple of stories you've heard about me, but from my point of view. And I swear, I have a perfectly logical reason for all of it. Or at least, it seemed logical at the time.
So anyway, here's what really happened...
I was walking down the street, mindin' my own business, when my crazy girlfriend showed up. Her name was Thelma, and what she lacked in the Sanity Department, she made up for in looks. Blond, curvy, and an all around looker. But crazy as hell.
Anyways, she comes up to me, and starts nagging me about how I never got her a birthday present and shit. So I'm just nodding my head, and randomly saying sorry, trying to get her to shut up. I wasn't really listening until she said, "Great! Let's go!" and started dragging me towards downtown. I didn't really mind, 'cuz I still had a hangover from last night at Buck's. But I dug in my heels when I saw that she was headed towards Walmart, 'cuz I was so broke, I was in pieces.
"Uh, sorry Thelma, but I gotta go uh...read my mail." I said, thinking as fast as I could with a hangover.
"Oh no you don't! You owe me!" She said, still pulling.
She pulled me into Walmart, started picking out clothes, and asking me which one I liked best. Of course I didn't really give a shit, but to make her happy (and shut up), I'd just randomly say yes. Finally, while she wasn't looking, I ran like hell for the exit. But then, I remembered something I'd read in a magazine. It was a complete accident, I swear! I had just got done glueing the pages of Mr. Syme's gradebook together, and I needed a cover, so I grabbed a magazine, and pretended to read it. Only I accidently read this one part. It was fifteen things to do in Walmart. And I just so happened to be in Walmart, and bored as hell, so I decided to try it out.
The first thing I decided to do was incidently the first thing on the list. Go figure. So I got a couple of packs of condoms, and started ramdomly placing them in peoples carts when they weren't looking. It was funny to watch them go to the check out counter and find them in there!
On to the next one! I went to the Houseware department, and found the alarm clocks. I set them to go off every five minutes, then walked off. I smirked as I heard a lady scream as they started going off.
Next, I got a can of tomatoe juice, and made a trail of it towards the womans bathroom. This was actually pretty fun!
Then, I started darting suspiciously around the store loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme song.
And in the auto department, I tried out my "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.
So then, I went up to the service desk, and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway...
I moved a "Caution: Wet Floor" to a carpeted area...
When an employee tried to ask me if I needed anything, I screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?!"
Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers I'd invite them in if they brought pillows and blankets from the bedroom department... (This one chick actually did it, but that's another story.)
Looked into a security camera and used it to pick my nose...
While I was handling the guns in the Hunting department, I asked the clerk where the anti-depressents were... (She got real pale and nervous looking)
Hid in a clothing rack, and when someone started browsing through, yelled, "PICK ME!! PICK ME!!"
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, I curled up in a ball on the floor and yelled, "Oh no! It's those voices again!"
Went into the dressing rooms, waited awhile, and then yelled, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"
And finally, I walked up to some random clerk person, (I couldn't tell if "it" was a he or a she.) and said in my most official-sounding voice, "Code 3 in House-Wares, get on it." It ran off, looking slightly paniced. Next thing I knew, a guy on the intercom was telling everyone a swarm of killer bees had attacked House-Wares, and to evacuate the store. Then, the cops showed up, and it told them I was the one who told her about the "Code 3."
You know, I'm the only person I know who's been arrested for impersonating a Wal-Mart employee. Go figure.