He had no idea what had just happened. The connection he had felt with this complete stranger was difficult to explain. As Derek strolled back to his office he felt the pit of his stomach sink, remembering that he was treating this woman's fiance, she was off limits. Usually he could have any woman he wanted, his impeccable charm and outrageous good looks allowed him to have a woman every night of the week if he so wanted but there was something about this Meredith Grey that made him indifferent. The hospital buzzed around him as he tried to organize his thoughts and gain some clarity, never had Derek Shepherd fallen so hard.
He locked his office door, shutting the world out as he slid down the right hand wall to the floor.
"It's just one of those days, that's all...pull it together" he repeated over and over to himself in his head. He could not allow himself to be affected by this patient or any member of his family. That was the only rule a doctor was obliged to obey. A knock sounded from behind him and then came a voice.
"Shepherd...Shepherd you in there?" It was the chief, he sounded anxious and the knocking began to grow louder with anticipation. "Shepherd!"
Derek sighed in frustration as he pulled himself off the rough maroon carpet. He shook off his previous thoughts and opened the door to find the chief standing in the doorway. Without waiting for an invitation the chief shoved past Derek and entered the small but comfortable corner office. He began pacing for a few minutes as Derek closed the door behind him. He had never seen the chief so worked up before, he always held himself together well, even in the most drastic of cases.
"Chief..." Derek began walking a little closer to the agitated man.
"She can't be here Derek...she can't" the chief began mumbling to himself as he quickened his pace.
"Okay....who can't?" Derek looked confused as he approached the chief a little more. "I mean should I know who we're talking about here?"
He had no idea what or who the chief was rambling on about. He kept a calm posture as he waited for the chief to continue and explain what was going on but the chief remained flabbergasted and hysterical continuing his pace around the small room. His mumbling was getting harder for Derek to hear and understand, he considered waiting for the chief to calm down but by the looks of it he had no plan on doing so any time soon so instead Derek chose to intervene grabbing the chief by the arm.
"Chief" Derek looked at him with wide eyes "What's this all about?"
The chief inhaled and exhaled deeply before sitting himself down on the couch behind him. He rubbed his temples with his index fingers like he always did when trying to work things out for himself but never had Derek seen such a hysterical chief. Derek moved to sit alongside him, waiting patiently for the chief to begin his explanation.
"Chief" he whispered again grasping onto the chief's shoulder supportively. He was close to the chief, ever since he moved to Seattle, the chief seemed to be his only friend. He had known him throughout his whole medical career, he mentored him and helped him become the surgeon he now was, yet never had he seen him like this. He continued to look at him until finally the chief pushed himself to speak.
"Twenty-five years ago, I had an affair with a fellow intern....we were young and naive...to actually think we could ever be together" the chief let out a disgruntled sigh of laughter wiping his open palm over his bald head. "but we were in love...we may have been stupid, but we loved each other"
Derek continued listening intently to the chief's story. He could see how hard this was for him, his expression was pained and although years had passed Derek could tell that the chief still to this day loved the woman he was now talking about.
"So what happened?" Derek asked now fully in tune with the cheif's story of love and hardship "I mean you stayed with Adele....why?"
The chief let out a sigh, a sigh that proved his inability to come up with a solid reason for his descision. Derek could see the regret in his eyes, regret that would never leave him.
"Well...Adele was my wife...Ellis was married and she had a little girl...we had responsibilities, it would have been selfish of us to think of only ourselves...so I...I ended it" A tear fell from the chief's left eye but it didn't go unnoticed. Derek tightened his grip on the chief's shoulder who merely wiped it casually from his cheek. He cleared his trembling throat before speaking again "anyway...um...that was a long time ago" he dismissed it immediately refusing to let Derek see his weakness any longer.
"Okay...but is she here? Ellis I mean?....you kept saying she can't be here...she can't be here, and this must have come from somewhere"
Derek knew there was a reason for the chief's meltdown and if this Ellis woman was now in the hospital then naturally the chief's feelings would immediately resurface. The chief stood up and once again began pacing. It was getting a little annoying for Derek who just wanted answers at this point. The chief shook his head vigorously, wiping more tears that had escaped his eyes.
"No no...it's not Ellis" he choked "It's um...it's her daughter, I saw her in the hall...she looks just like her"
Derek moved from the couch and stood infront of the chief. He could never understand how difficult this was for the him but he could at least try, emotions were not something Derek Shepherd was good at handling not even when they were his own.
"Is she here with her mom?...Is Ellis a patient?" Derek was trying to get the chief to focus, for all they knew this Ellis woman wasn't even at the hospital.
"I don't know Shep...why do you think I'm freaking out!" the chief snapped and began his pacing again.
"Okay okay look...I'll look into it okay...just calm down"
The chief sighed with relief this time and he looked to be alot more calm. Derek's pager sounded throughout the room indicating his need to leave the chief. He stuffed the pager back into his pocket and both left the office behind them.
"I just need to know what Meredith Grey is doing in my hospital Derek" the chief stated walking away leaving Derek a little confused, wasn't that the name of the girl he had just met?
Derek stood at the nurses station reviewing Adam Holt's test results, his head CT didn't look good and he knew he had to operate and soon. He began drumming his fingers on the counter-top trying to decide the best course of action for his patient; if he didn't operate Adam would die but if he did he may die, the odds were 50/50 either way he went. He bundled up the papers that lay across the counter and put them back into the folder, handing it back to the nurse he turned quickly only to bump into Meredith. The slight collision caused her to stumble a little but Derek reached out and caught her, his reflexes jolting into action immediately.
"Oh god...I'm so sorry" he apologised as he steadied her. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah yeah...I'm fine" she smiled assuringly "It was my fault I shouldn't have been creeping up on you" he was amazed at how strong she was being. Her fiance lay in a bed unconscious just down the hall and yet she still managed to force a smile which could light up a room. Derek laughed at her remark, it was just instinct.
"You creep up on people often?" he joked, his arms still clasping onto hers.
"No no...today is an exception" she teased back. Her eyes fell onto his arms "Do you mind if I get my hands back?"
Realising that he was still holding onto her he released her instantly. She was still smiling warmly at him and for the first time in a long time he felt nervous. He was stuck for conversation and words so he just waited for her to say something.
"I um...Adam's mom is coming from Michigan...and I would like to have something solid to tell her when she gets here....do you know anything yet?"
Derek could see the desperation in her eyes. He wanted to have good news for her, he wanted to tell her that everything would be fine but he couldn't. They stood in silence while he found a way to tell her of Adam's current condition. He wanted to protect her from the pain she was surely about to feel once he told her.
"You know something right?...Doctor's always get this look in their eyes when they're about to tell you bad news...a look your giving me right now"
The smile was fading from her face and he could see the tears simmering through her lush eyes, she was trying to remain strong but the thread she was holding on by was slowly tearing apart.
"It's okay...you can tell me" she pleaded wiping a tear away from her cheek that had escaped. Derek sighed and pulled her over to the chairs at the other side of the hall. Sitting her down and him beside her he braced himself. He didn't know why this was so hard for him. He had done this thousands of times but something about this girl was different.
"Adam has a cerebral haematoma which is...."
"A mass of blood in the brain...I know" she finished his sentance effortlessly "what else?"
"Well that's just his head injuries...there's also some trauma to the spleen...Dr. Bailey is going to operate on that while I try and resolve the bleeding to the brain"
The young woman began trembling before him but she was trying her best to remain as calm as possible. Derek moved to wrap his arm around her shoulder but she shook him away, she wasn't willing to let him comfort her in any way. She stood up from the chair and began pacing the hall, her breathing was heavy as she fought back the tears that were just minutes from breaking free. Derek moved towards her, once again clasping his hands onto her arms.
"We're going to do everything we can for your fiance...now he's young and strong and there is no reason in the world for you to believe that he can't pull through this okay" Derek was firm in his instructions. He reached out for Meredith again yet this time she fell into his chest and embraced him. She was without any support and finally needed someone to hold her. He obliged, wrapping his arms around her without hesitation. As her head rested in the crook of his neck he found himself being intoxicated by the warm scent of her hair...lavender he thought. Her breath tickeled at his neck but it was comforting, he had never been so close to another person. Her tiny frame was easy to hold and for a brief moment he forgot who he was holding...his patient's fiance!