Hey everyone, here is my new update - I'm still trying my best to do one update a week, but work is currently more intense and I'll do my best but they might take a bit longer. Anyway, hope you enjoy, let me know what you think and thank you to those of you who commented on my last update - I live for you guys :) always gives me the warm and fuzzies.
Have a great week!
Trevor woke up with a fist in his back and realised that somewhere in the early hours of the morning Noah had snuck in to bed between them. He was glad that he'd had the good sense to put on underwear after they'd left their clothes in a mess on the couch.
Olivia was snuggled in to her son. She had been up earlier vomiting with regret. Trevor had given her water and helped her back to bed after finding her slumped next to the toilet.
He rolled over and tried his hardest to go back to sleep, rarely staying up as late as he had. He felt himself drifting off again.
Less than half an hour later he felt something strange tickling his eyelid. He jerked his head back opening his eyes to find Noah, also startled. His pointer finger poised in the air. He realised he was being poked softly in the eyelid. He tried not to laugh in surprise.
"Noah… be careful of my eyes, bubba, that can hurt me…"
"Sorry!," he whispered back loudly, "I wanted you to wake up! Mommy is too loud," he frowned. Olivia was snoring a little.
"I'm awake," he sighed. "Do you want to go back to your bed where it's nice and quiet?" Trevor wondered.
"No! I wanna get up and play with Maple and go for a ride on Dolly."
Trevor stretched out and yawned silently. He wanted to sleep a little longer but understood that it wasn't about what he wanted any longer. He had a child to factor in to every plan he made.
"Okay," he nodded. "Let's get up and I'll make us some breakfast and we can go for a ride on the horses this morning. How's that?"
Noah grinned and nodded. "Can I ride Dolly by my big self?," he asked, forgetting he should have been whispering.
Trevor chuckled at his question's phrasing. "Yes, sure…"
Noah threw himself over the top of Trevor who was almost not ready for it. He caught him just in time and cuddled him. "Okay how about just for two minutes we have lay here in silence and listen to the birds outside…"
Reluctantly Noah agreed. He wrapped his arms around the man who he looked to as his father and hugged him warmly. Trevor smiled feeling the little boy's head upon his chest.
"What's the time…" Olivia murmured, her eyes still closed.
"Its… 6:30ish…" Trevor replied, "I'm gonna get up with Noah in a minute, you might need to rest."
"Mmmm…. I'll bring you up some water and some Hi-C or something. Do you want anything to eat?"
"No…" Olivia replied. "I'll be okay, I just need to sleep and vomit."
"Mommy are you sick again?" Noah asked.
"Uhuh," she murmured, "but I'll feel okay later babe, promise."
/
"We're gonna take the horses out to pick some fruit for lunch today, that'll be yummy, huh?" Trevor asked Noah as he helped him on the back of Dolly, adjusting the stirrups for him so that there was no way his little legs would dangle.
"Yeah! What fruits are we gonna find?" Noah asked, adjusting his hat.
"I don't know, maybe we can find some peaches and some plums and some berries as usual, I put some bags on the back of Lila's pack," he told him, hoisting himself up and tying the long line from Dolly's reign to his own horse's to make sure she didn't start wandering off.
"Daddy, why was Mommy sick? Did she get sick when she went out with Auntie Jen last night?"
"Yeah, she ate too much and it made her feel yucky this morning, but she's right, she will probably feel a lot better by the time we come back for lunch and if she's not, maybe you and I can take a drive in to town and buy her some medicine."
"Okay and we can give her cuddles," Noah added.
/
Olivia's phone chimed just after 11am. She had turned the TV on after vomiting nothing but bile. She groaned and picked it up. Her head was pulsating. "Hi babe, how are you feeling?," the message came from Jen.
She drew in a deep breath. "Dead. Send help. You?"
Another message, "Okay but nauseous. My house is so noisy and I'm resisting the urge not to yell at the kids which is so fucking mean of me. I just want silence."
"Come over here. Trev took Noah out riding. Im just sipping water and watching TV, Trevor can get home and find two women in his bed… that'll be just enough to freak him out in a confusing way."
Olivia sighed and eased herself up to guzzle down some water.
A few moments later Jen responded. "Only if you didn't have sex in that bed last night, I don't wanna come and lay down with you if I'm laying in both of your filth."
A small smile crossed her lips. "Don't be gross. We're not animals. We change sheets regularly. We didn't have sex in bed last night, it's safe. I don't know if Trevor locked up, but let yourself in, Im sure you have a key."
/
"So wait, let me get this straight," Joe looked at his wife who stood in her pajama pants and a blank tank top, "you're going to Trevor's house to go and lay in bed with Liv?" He could barely take his wife seriously with her shades over her sensitive eyes. He started to laugh, "are you trying to give my brother and I the wrong idea?"
She growled at him. He took a step back and made a face, "I'm joking, I'm joking… are you gonna be able to walk over there without throwing up?"
"Mmm hopefully…. I just need silence, as much as I love my kids and their Dad, you guys are everything but silent."
"Alright… wait let me go get you some gatorade and some OJ for you and Liv and the kids and I will run you over to Trev's in the truck."
"Thanks Joe…" she told him miserably.
/
"Oh my goodness, I really love you…" Olivia remarked when she saw her sister-in-law holding out a bottle of strawberry gatorade for her. Jen had a light crochet blanket covering her shoulders as she climbed in to bed beside Olivia. "Its okay if I use that bathroom, right? I might need to barf later…"
"Babe, I've been barfing all morning…. That bathroom is soiled…" she laughed, clutching her stomach. "I've been spraying it with sanitiser each time I vomit though, so… its safe."
Jen laid her head down on one of the many cushions that were on Trevor's side of the bed. "Do you guys always sleep with the a/c on? Its freezing in here… Joey would never let me. It's wonderful." She snuggled deeply beneath the covers.
"Trevor is probably being polite," Liv murmured, "Noah and I love sleeping cold."
Jen smiled. "Liv, we are too old for this kind of hang over…" she groaned. "My head is so woozy and my gut feels so … unsettled."
Olivia sat up, almost forgetting she had no top on. "Shit…" she quickly clutched the sheet and laughed in spite of her own woozy head. "You almost copped an eyeful."
"I see that," Jen laughed.
She opened the gatorade and began to drink it.
She set the drink down and got up, covering her breasts with her arm as she went to her open suitcase that lay on the floor. She sighed, wondering where her T-shirt was. She realised she had left her clothes in a heap in the bathroom when she got changed the day before. She looked around and saw one of Trevor's t-shirts peaking out of his closet and helped herself to it. She turned her back to Jen and pulled it over her head. "That's better…"
"Nice panties…" Jen teased, nodding at her white lace underwear. "Wait til you get married, you'll have no need for those. They don't last longer than five seconds."
Olivia felt a little self conscious but just laughed. She got back in to bed. "I'm watching Boston Legal reruns…" Liv told her. "And sleeping intermittently."
"I love this show… James Spader is hilarious," she told her with a yawn.
"Okay, before we get comfortable, I'm gonna send Trev a pic of us so he doesn't arrive back wondering what the fuck is going on," Liv told her with a laugh.
Jen laughed too.
She moved in close and took a selfie with her sister-in-law. She sent it to Trevor. "Jenna came over to commiserate with me because her house is too loud. I am feeling OK but vomiting a lot. I have a gatorade and I think if I stop vomiting soon I might get up and eat. Send me updates of what you and my boy are up to."
"Can you send that to me? Am I allowed to post you on my Instagram page?"
"I guess…" Liv replied with a shrug, "I just don't have social media myself, I have to be careful because of the nature of my work and I wasn't lying last night, I really want to become C.O."
"Oh, I'd never post anything that would show you in a negative light, Liv, I'm not silly — plus my personal instagram is private. Trevor and I are putting together a farm instagram account which will be public as soon as I finish teaching him how to use it."
"Wow, never saw Trevor a social media guy…" she murmured, thinking about him taking selfies. The idea of it made her laugh. Olivia pressed send on the pictures for Jen. She put the phone down and got comfortable.
/
"Look bubba," Trevor smiled, holding his phone. He showed Noah, "it's Mommy and auntie Jen…"
Noah giggled, "are they sleeping in the same bed, Daddy?" He asked, laughing again.
"They are, they're both resting together,"
"That's silly," he giggled, "only me and Mommy and Mommy's and Daddy's sleep in the same bed."
Trevor laughed at his innocence. "Sometimes people have two daddy's or two mommy's or sometimes they don't have a Daddy or a Mommy…. Everyone's family is a little different."
Noah nodded in agreement. "I only had a Mommy for a long time now I have a Mommy and a Daddy."
Trevor smiled. "That's right… are you happy to have a Daddy too?," he asked the four year old who he had shown how to pick ripe blueberries. He put a few in the plastic bag that Trevor held open for him.
"Yeah," he nodded, "but I thought you had another boy or a girl," he told Trevor absently as he moved further toward the strawberry patch and began to twist them and pull them off the vine.
"Nope, no other kids, bubba, but guess what? When I met your Mommy, I loved her so much and you are the special gift that came along with Mommy so when I fell in love with Mommy, I loved you too!"
"Are we a family?" Noah asked him, finally looking at him, giving him his undivided attention.
"Yes, I think we're a family. I want to be part of your and Mommy's family."
Noah smiled. "I like it when you're in our family because it's fun and I don't always have to have Katja instead of Mommy, I like it when we do fun things and now I have fun friends."
Trevor smiled, happy that he could share his family with Noah and Olivia too. "Would you love it if Mommy and I got married one day?"
Noah nodded happily despite Trevor knowing that maybe he didn't fully understand what getting married meant.
"You love Katja though, Katja would still come to take you to school and help sometimes, I have to work too."
"Oh." Noah shrugged, "Do you catch bad guys like Mommy?"
Trevor smiled, "I don't catch bad guys, I help people in other ways… Your Mom is the superhero."
Bored of the conversation, Noah pointed to the tree in the distance, "Daddy are those the peaches on that tree? Can we go there now?"
"No, they're apples, but how about we get back up on the horses and we take them over there and we can feed them an apple or two and then we'll go get some peaches and send some pics to Mommy."
"Okay!" Noah agreed.
/
"Fuck…." Olivia cursed, sitting up against the bed head. She dropped her head back in frustration.
"What's wrong?" Jen asked, opening her eyes, a little disoriented.
Olivia shook her head and clenched her jaw tightly to hold back some of her irritation and upset.
Something had spooked her, Jen could see. "Liv," she reached up, placing a hand on her friend's arm. "What's wrong?"
Olivia glanced at her resting her head on the pillow, looking like she felt; exhausted and a little sick still.
"Work," she murmured, "this always fucking happens, 'go on a vacation, Liv, you deserve this…' and then halfway through, 'Liv come back we need you'…"
"Wait, you have to go home? Back to work? When?"
She shook her head and shrugged, tossing the phone down. "I'd have to go tomorrow. Sometimes this job makes me question everything, I just wanna have some time, you know?"
"I know exactly what you mean, you've worked so hard for the past few months, it's not unreasonable for you to want to have time to just want your family because they've been patient in waiting for time with you."
Jen could see that she was close to tears. "Why don't you just put your foot down and tell them no?"
"I'm scared that if I say no, then I'll lessen my chances for promotion. Women in my industry rarely get to have it all if they are able even invited to the table with the big boys to start with so I have to be so careful… its not right but it will be used against me, every time that I say no is when a man will say yes."
"I'm sorry, sweetheart," Jen tried to comfort her. She knew it would do no good to tell Olivia how unjust it was or how much she disagreed with that mentality but Olivia clearly disagreed to, however, she was probably right. "What can I do or say to cheer you up?"
"Nothing," Liv sighed, "its okay, I'm annoyed, I'm not surprised though." She picked the phone back up. "Sorry, I just have to call my Captain…"
"That's okay, do what you have to do…"
"Hi Dodds," her voice trailed. "Just got your message." There was a pause before she spoke again, "Yeah, I realise that but I've been in bed sick for most of the day. I'm on holidays remember?," she reminded her boss a little testily.
She breathed in slow and sighed, glancing at Jen briefly, drawing her knees up under her chin and resting her head down upon them. "Yeah, yeah… I know. So what's the problem, is my holiday over or am I allowed to have my vacation time? Not trying to be rude but I'm not exactly around the corner from home."
She shut her eyes and ran her fingers through her hair with frustration, "No Cap- no, I decided to take Noah on a holiday upstate so as you can imagine, packing him up early to come home is going to devastate him."
She laughed with disbelief. "Yeah? What you think my 4 year old can stay and fend for himself? He can't drive, yet Dodds… or even dial a phone for that matter."
She paused, "So if I come back tomorrow, am I allowed to resume my vacation time the second that I finish the statements? And by the way, I'm really irate that the admin couldn't get their shit together enough to do the right things with sensitive files and as a result, my vacation has to stop and I have to upset my fucking kid who has been patiently waiting for one-on-one time with his Mom."
Her voice retreated and she sighed, "Yeah, okay. I'll see you tomorrow, I guess."
She hung up the phone and tossed it down with annoyance as her eyes filled with tears. "I hate my job today and everyone I work with is a dick."
"I'm sorry, honey. Do you have to go back?"
She nodded, "Some of the arrests I made are going to a grand jury and I need to go and write reports and I don't have anything here. I need the paperwork for the arrests to work off and the grand jury is happening on monday morning," she sighed. "Fuck, so I have to get Noah together take the poor kid home which he is going to hate and then palm him off on to Katja, his nanny for the day…"
"Are you gonna come back?"
Olivia shrugged, "What's the point? They'll find a reason to harass me again," she sighed and wiped her tears. "Sorry, you came here to relax…"
"No, Liv, don't apologise. Talk to me, its okay…"
She hugged her knees, resting her head on them again, "I just feel like all these plans Trevor and I have, me coming out here regularly with Noah, its just not going to be able to happen because the second that I come out here I'm going to get called back and it's so unfair to Trev and Noah…"
"So you need a solution, Olivia…"
"I like my job so much, I want to show people that women can have the things they want, that they can climb the ranks too and still have a family."
"Okay but maybe you need to fight. You need to fight for your seat at the table and you need to fight for your personal boundaries. Maybe you need to put things in place for yourself when you want to leave for a weekend. A strict no call backs policy, a second person on hand, make sure nothing is outstanding so they can't call you back like this… or you bring some stuff home with you so that if they do need a report you can do it from here…"
Olivia nodded slowly. "I know I'm tired and I feel sick and that's why I'm emotional, but…" she shook her head and shrugged. "I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of the fight."
"Maybe you need to just focus on the rest of your day here, talk to Trevor, sleep the day off…"
She nodded again, agreeing with Jen. "I just don't have that energy right now…"
"That's okay, you're unwell, honey… I dragged you out and made you drink too much."
"No you didn't… I wanted to," Olivia snuggled back down beneath the covers. She groaned with frustration, "Trevor is going to be so disappointed."
"He will understand— he knows the nature of your job, Liv, he's always been amazed by what you do."
"Wait til it starts impeding upon our relationship, we'll see then," she mumbled, rolling on to her chest, burying her face in to the pillow.
/
Trevor got back just after lunch with Noah. He and Noah took the girls some fruit and some sandwiches to eat. Olivia was asleep but Jen was awake watching TV.
"Hey…" he greeted her, "just got you guys some food…"
"Oh thanks honey," Jen smiled, "you guys that best. Thank you Noah."
Olivia stirred and rolled on to her back to see her man and Noah staring at her. She quickly remembered the phone call before she went back to sleep. She knew she had to tell Trevor sooner rather than later.
Jen knew it too.
"Hey sweetheart," she said to Noah, "can you take me downstairs and show me where the fridge is so I can get some juice?" She asked him.
"Yes!"
"Its okay, I can get you some juice…" Trevor replied.
"Nah, it's fine, I think Noah and I should go down," she replied with a reassuring smile and Trevor picked up instantly that she wanted to give them a minute together.
As soon as Jen was out of the room, Olivia eased herself up. Trevor sat on the edge of the bed and smoothed her hair. She looked exhausted and warn down. "Hey baby, how are you feeling?"
"Gross but actually I think I'll feel a bit better when I eat something…"
"Good, keep drinking juice and water and whatever else…"
"Trev, I have to tell you something and I hope you won't be mad at me."
He felt like she was about to admit something that he definitely wasn't going to like. For whatever reason, his mind instantly went to the night before, that maybe she had kissed someone…"Okay…"
"Work called before and…. I need to work tomorrow."
"What?," he shook his head, "No, Liv, no you can't, you haven't even been off work for 7 days. You were promised a few weeks, that's not right."
"I don't want to go, I don't want to leave you and I don't want to disappoint Noah but there's a grand jury on Monday and I have to write statements that I should have known better than to leave with admin to keep a hold of."
"Are you going to come back?," he asked, disappointed.
"I mean… they fucking always do this so I feel like if I come back they're just going to do it again."
"Stand up to it, Liv, you are so strong and you never have a problem saying no any other time…"
"I know baby, but this is my career, you know as well as I do what happens to women in our industries when they fall in love and have families."
"You can break the glass ceiling, Liv, if anyone can its you," he told her sincerely. He was disappointed but he could tell more than anything she was sad.
"I'm just so tired…"
"Which is why you should be able to put your foot down. You need rest."
He could tell immediately that she was getting upset and his own pushing probably wasn't helping the situation. He knew he had to honour her job.
"Okay listen, why don't you go home tomorrow and leave Noah with me… I'll have him for the night and all you have to do is worry about yourself, go home write your statements and then come back and I'll keep him busy and if I need any help Jen and Joey are here."
"I couldn't do that to you, Trevor…"
He rose an eyebrow, "your kid has started calling me Dad, I don't take that lightly. Give me a chance to step up to that."
Olivia stared at him for a minute and looked like she would cry at the drop of a hat. "Really?"
He nodded, "really… we will be totally fine. You'll leave early, he and I will get up and feed the animals, we'll do farm stuff, if it's warm enough I'll take him for a swim, we'll do an afternoon nap, maybe I'll take him to town to hang out and then if you aren't able to drive back tomorrow night, I'll put him to bed and you'll come back Monday morning and you won't be going back til you tell them you're ready. The vacation time is yours to take."
She nodded. "Okay…"
"K? I can do this, you can trust me to take care of things for you."
"Okay," she repeated, "I don't know what I'd do without you… thank you."
He leaned forward and kissed her forehead. "It's not going to be a drama. We're not going to let it be. Eat your lunch, I'll get Jen back up here to make sure she eats too and then when you guys feel like it, come back down and come for a swim - the water is so warm and Joe took Ollie and the girls to the cinema so the pool will be mostly quiet."
"Thanks baby, the idea of that actually sounds really refreshing."
"It will be. I'm going to get Noah changed now and we're gonna go for a swim. I've just lathered the poor kid in suncream."
Olivia laughed, "thanks…"
/
Olivia was still sluggish, the large coffee wasn't helping. She was irritable and tired and still feeling the remnants of the hang over from the day before. "Is there enough caffeine in that do you think?" Sonny asked her, nodding toward the double strength that she had asked for.
"Maybe… I don't know," she mumbled, tired of working. She removed her fingers from the keys and sighed. She took the disposable coffee cup and took a few long mouthfuls before setting it down.
She picked up her phone and checked through her messages. She smiled to see Trevor had sent her more pics of himself and Noah. She started typing, Hi loves, you both look so warm and casual. Hey, is Jen ok? I haven't heard from her today… she might be busy, I know… just a bit worried.
A few minutes later he responded, Honey Jen is so sick today, she's been vomiting all morning and struggling. The hang over hit her hard. She's probably just asleep. How's work going? Noah and I are going to the river and we're going to have a picnic lunch with the horses. Joey mowed it all early this morning so that there's no chance of snakes loitering around.
Olivia smiled, she felt instantly relaxed when she heard from him.
She had wondered if Noah might get a bit upset about her leaving for a day or two but he gave her a kiss and waved her off without any fanfare or any tears - it was a testament to her just how attached he had become to Trevor and just how much he enjoyed their little adventures every day.
She missed them both more than she cared to admit which seemed stupid given that she was only gone for half a day so far.
"You don't look so good," Amanda told her, "you had some big nights, Liv?"
"I did actually, I had a big night on Friday and I'm clearly too old to be getting so drunk, nothing prepares you for the hang over at my age."
"Oh shit, you got drunk, Leu? I would love to see that. You never let us take you out and sauce you up," Carisi pitched in.
Olivia managed a laugh, "not in Manhattan, maybe at a wedding or I don't know, some kind of private function, I'm not stupid enough to shit where I sleep."
"Still," Sonny replied with a laugh, "I wish I could have seen it."
"You would have been impressed, I rode a mechanical bull, made friends, danced and did double shots of tequila and then got home with Trevor and insisted on drinking more."
"Wow, Trevor really does have a farm in the middle of Hicksville…. Mechanical bull…" Amanda laughed, "did you do any good?"
"I didn't go flying off within the first three seconds, so I count it as a win. Trevor's sister-in-law actually won…"
"Wow!" Amanda remarked, "she must have some hips on her," she chuckled,.
Olivia laughed too. She tried to conceal her yawn. She stood up, "Okay, I think I'm gonna go and get something to eat. Does anyone want anything?"
Nobody accepted her offer.
"Do you want company?" Amanda asked after her.
Liv looked back at her detective friend and shook her head, "No thanks, I'm just gonna take a walk, get food and get some air and call Trev and Noah."
The truth was that she was nauseous and the office was hot. She didn't really want to get her arms out and show everyone just how sunburned she'd gotten. She also felt a bit down in the dumps and her Captain had heard about it. He was apologetic and assured her that the rest of her vacation wouldn't be disturbed, that she would be provided extra paid days. She knew that when she got back she would be having some tough conversations surrounding what she wanted for her future.
/
Olivia was aware that she was eating her feelings - it was the first time in five days that she had eaten anything that felt largely unhealthy. She was tucking in to a greasy chicken burger from Wendys that she knew would make her feel worse but she couldn't help herself.
She put the phone in front of her and hit the FaceTime button to dial Jen. She didn't care that she was feeling sick, she found herself missing her and Trevor and Noah were too far out of range to do a FaceTime.
A few moments later Jen's face showed up. She was laying in bed looking worse for wear.
"Oh my gosh, Jenna!"
Jen managed a laugh, "You're really going with that Jenna thing huh…" her voice was hoarse and she managed to laugh but it sounded painful.
"I am," Olivia smiled, biting in to her burger. "I'm taking a lunch break but Trevor told me you're still sick. Are you sure it's still the hang over?"
"Mmmm, I think so, I drank so much more than you somehow…"
"I thought you felt a lot better last night before dinner?" Olivia questioned her.
"I did, and then I woke up in the middle of the night just projectile vomiting everything we ate. Yuck… but holy shit that burger looks good."
"It's good, I'm not gonna lie but I'm still feeling a little shitty too, so I know I'll probably regret it later," she took a long sip of her cold, icy soda. "So do you want me to let you go and get some rest?"
"No," Jen smiled, "I'm just here in bed and Joey and the kids are out, the house is suspiciously quiet."
Liv laughed, "I was gonna come back tonight but I am so tired, I was thinking about coming first thing in the morning but I'll see how I feel tonight."
"Don't drive if you're too tired, especially not around those mountains at night."
"Yeah, that's what I was thinking," Liv agreed, "I don't love the drive and I'm scared of being on those roads at night alone."
"Stay at home tonight then," Jen said seriously. "The roads are hard enough if youre not confident."
"Thanks Jenna you're right," she smiled. She had another bite of her burger. "Do you think it was okay to leave Noah with Trevor?"
"Of course. I saw them out riding around on the three wheeler this morning, Noah was in the trailer, he was laughing so hard, Liv, he is having such a good time."
"Thanks for telling me that, I always worry that it's a lot for Trevor."
"It is not a lot for him, Trevor is absolutely loving this time with Noah, Liv, he told Joe that he's just connected and clicked with Noah and he genuinely feels like a Dad."
Olivia smiled an adoring, loving smile on her face. She drew in a deep breath, "you're the best, you know that?" She was sincere. She connected with the woman before her faster than she'd ever made a connection with any other female friend. Perhaps it was that they had Trevor as a mutually important person to both of them, but she was grateful for the woman that evened her out and that she genuinely had a good time with.
"I think that you're the best, so we're even, bestie."
Olivia laughed, "how cool are we, using the cool kid words?"
They both chuckled.
"You know, when you told me you didn't have a lot of friends, I was genuine disbelief and I still am. You're so much fun and you are so effortless. Part of my great time at the farm so far has been your company as well."
"Oh, Liv, you're doing a wonderful job at making me feel far less sorry for myself. Thank you… when Trevor said he was bringing you to the farm, I was nervous. I had seen photos and just thought, oh, this woman is so hot, she is going to haaaa-aaate me," Jen laughed in spite of herself.
"You're crazy," Olivia shook her head. "As if I'd ever think that of you. All I was worried about was not coming across as a hard-ass detective, I just really wanted you guys to like me."
"Well, we do… so all good."
"Okay, so if you see Trev, tell him to call me. I tried calling but I know they went down to the river. He said cell phone service is a bit patchy and that he'd call me after lunch."
"Alright babe. Why don't you finish off your lunch and go home and take a nap?"
Olivia laughed. "I'd love to take a nap. I can officially leave as soon as I'm done with the statements. I have one more left but it takes awhile because of the detail it has to be… but I should go, if it's not too late I'll still come but if it's dark, I won't."
"Okay, I'm gonna let you go because I need to go barf."
"Poor thing, okay go… I'll text you later too, only reply if you feel up to it. Love you JENNA."
Jenna laughed, squeezing out a love you right back before hanging up so she could hightail it to the bathroom.
/
Noah recounted his huge day over FaceTime for Olivia with such a lightness and happiness that she wasn't used to hearing from him. His little face was beaming such joy and excitement and she couldn't deny the lengths Trevor went to to ensure that her son was well fed, well dressed, well rested and well managed for bed time.
"Tell Mommy what we did at the store earlier?" Trevor prompted him.
"Mommy! We got new things for my bed!"
"What kind of new things?" Olivia asked curiously.
"We got some Transformer blankets," he tried to get his mouth over the words, but sometimes still struggled to explain some things.
"How about I get up and show Mommy?" Trevor suggested. He was sitting next to Noah in the bed.
Noah nodded. "Okay hold it a second Mom," Trevor got up. The phone moved and jerked around as he turned the camera around. Olivia was genuinely surprised. The guest room that Noah had been staying in was completely transformed. It looked exactly like a little boys room.
There was a play carpet, it was patterned like a road map so that Noah would be able to drive his toy cars on. The bedding was changed and replaced with Transformers and there was a cupboard.
"Oh my goodness, wow…"
"We got some toys and some things for him to feel more at home while Mom's at work, right Noah?"
He nodded. "Mommy look, I got this…" Trevor resumed his position back on the bed beside Noah. Noah showed her a Transformer plushy. "Daddy bought this for me because I was a good boy today, wasn't I?"
Trevor beamed at him and she could see the love between them. "You are always a good boy, bubba, did you know that? You are always so much fun to be around."
Noah giggled as Trevor put an arm around her son and drew him close, giving him a little squeeze as Noah giggled and grinned at her. "Daddy's right, babe, you're such a good boy and I miss you so much tonight."
"I miss you too, Mommy, I'm sad you had to go back to work."
"I know, but I'll try to be back as quickly as I can. Are you okay though? You don't miss Mommy, too much do you?"
"I miss you Mommy but Daddy said tomorrow morning we can make a breakfast on the fire."
Olivia grinned. "You're very lucky, Noah, I'm a little jealous!"
Noah giggled.
"Okay, well… Daddy's gonna tuck you in and say goodnight now and I will see you tomorrow."
"Okay Mommy," Noah agreed, "I love you!"
Olivia smiled at him, "I love you too baby, goodnight."
"Goodnight Mommy."
Trevor took the phone, "I'll talk to you when I go to bed, won't be long, maybe half an hour?"
Olivia nodded and hung up.
/
"You've got to be fucking kidding me," Olivia muttered as she picked up her phone at 2am. It was Fin.
"This better be good," she muttered sleepily.
"Sorry Liv, I really need you at a scene with me, I can't get a hold of anyone else."
"Looks like you're on your own then, I'm on vacation," she told him with irritation despite rolling out of bed. She sighed as she could hear Fin clamouring over what to say. "Fuck, Fin, this shit has to stop. Send me a location. This better be good, I'm supposed to be leaving to see my son in less than 6 hours."
"We'll make it as quick as we can, I promise. I'm sorry Liv."
She said nothing and hung up.
/
She pulled her coat around her. The days were warm but it felt so cold in the middle of the night. All she could think about was being in Trevor's arms again.
She waited patiently for the paramedics to finish with the college student before she made her way over. "Hi sweetheart," she gave her a gentle smile, "I'm Detective Benson,"
"Hi," the girl murmured, still a little in shock.
"I know you must be feeling really overwhelmed right now, but I just want you to know that I'm here to just listen if you feel like talking."
The girl wiped a stray tear that fell down her face. "I think I'm okay but they want me to go to the hospital for an exam," she finally made eye contact with Olivia, "I don't think I can."
"The best chance we have at catching the man who did this is taking samples as quickly after your attack as possible," she told her, "is there someone I can call for you? Your Mom or Dad? A friend?"
She shook her head, "No… I don't want to tell anyone."
"Are you sure-"
"I'm sure." She gave a laugh out of disbelief, "its so stupid," she sniffed, wiping more tears, "you read about this stuff happening and you wonder why those dumb bitches go walking on their own at night — that they should be smarter, and then I just did it… serves me right."
"Sweetheart, you didn't do anything wrong, you were just trying to get home," she assured her, "none of this is your fault."
Hating herself for what was about to come out of her mouth, she started, "I can come with you if you like, to the hospital? We can talk there and I'll stay with you."
The girl nodded, "okay… thanks."
"You're welcome. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you're going to be okay, let's just get through this hour by hour, minute by minute if it is easier."
/
Olivia met back with Fin to let him know she was headed off to the hospital in the bus with the victim. He had his back to her talking to someone. "Fin," she called.
He turned around and she suddenly saw who he was talking to. She could have been knocked over by a feather. Surprised, she almost laughed, but instead they locked eyes for a moment. "Hey…"
"Hi Olivia," a slight smile crossed Elliot's lips. "You look…" he paused and took a breath, "well, its good to see you again."
"You too," she replied politely. "What are you doing here?"
"I work at Organised Crime, I heard the call come through and I just didn't know if it had been responded to so I came here first."
"Oh, when did you get back from… Italy was it?"
"Yeah," he nodded slow, his eyes still fixed on her. It had taken him this long to have the courage to see her. "I got back about 2 months ago, I'm sorry I didn't call you sooner."
She shrugged, "that's okay, you all good? The kids? Kathy?"
He just gave her a half smile, "they're okay, thanks… how about you? How are you?"
"Fine thanks," she replied. She wished she felt more for the man that she was once closer to than anyone else in her life — but she wasn't prepared for the blank feeling she had. The nothingness upon seeing him was a little confusing especially when she factored in how hurt and heartbroken she had been when he left.
She just wanted to get home, but unfortunately she had put herself in it.
She turned back to Fin, "I'm going to head off to St Catherine's with the victim and then I'll come back and write my report and you can take it from there."
"Liv, you will be stuck at the hospital for hours if you go."
"Do you want to go?," she asked him, knowing that sometimes he wasn't the most compassionate of all the SVU detectives. She wouldn't have done that to the girl she had just made a connection with.
He just stared at her, "that's what I thought," she sighed. She was irate. She turned to walk away but stopped, gathering some of her courage, she turned back to Fin, "you know, this is your job, you could have done this job without me, but you've decided there's parts of it you're too lazy or too 'over-it' to do these days, part of it is dealing with victims and being compassionate and lending support to them in the fucking scariest moments of their lives. I don't call you on your vacation ever but you thought nothing about calling me regardless of the two fucking hour drive I have to do to see my kid. This is going to stop, Fin, get your fucking shit together or go and find another department where you don't have to leave your desk."
They stared each other down for a moment before she turned her back and left both men to it.
/
Olivia was texting Trevor profusely all morning when she walked in the door after 11am.
"Baby, I'm not mad, I feel annoyed for you that Fin did that but I'm happy you stood up for yourself. We are fine, we miss you a lot, but we are fine. If you need another night of rest, just do what you need, otherwise, sleep and then head up this afternoon. I love you, please have a good rest."
With satisfaction, Olivia got herself changed and headed straight to bed, setting the alarm for 3pm. She was packed and ready to go, all she had to do was to get changed and head back up to Trevors.
/
Jen finally came down the stairs and greeted her family with a wave. Trevor saw how queasy she looked. Joey grabbed an orange juice and some crackers for her. "Poor thing," Joey pouted. "I hope you feel better soon,"
"Me too," she murmured. She turned to Trevor, "How's Liv? She must be so upset, she sent me a text early this morning."
"She's okay, she just got home from work and she's headed to bed and then she'll come up this afternoon unless she's too tired, but officially she's telling work she's gone."
"Good," Joey replied, "that would really p me off if I were you."
Trevor shrugged. "I'm not happy about it but what am I supposed to do? I don't want to say anything, it'll just make her feel worse."
"True," Jen agreed sipping on her juice. She got back up, "shit, I forgot, Joey can you help me with something upstairs? I puked on my clothes this morning, could you help me carry the things to the laundry."
"Okay," he gave her a weird look but followed her anyway. "Be back in a sec," he told his brother.
Trevor watched them head upstairs and set Noah down on the floor to play with what was his new cousins.
/
Olivia must have hit the snooze button a few times. She was awoken by the sound of someone beating on her door. "Fuck," she muttered, realising it was dark outside and there were missed calls from Trevor. She quickly replied as she headed to her apartment door. Call you in a minute. I'm fine.
She put her phone down on the dining table and looked through the peephole and suddenly remembered. With annoyance, she opened the door to find Elliot standing there. "Hi," she greeted him, "how'd you find out where I live?"
"Fin…" he replied. He stood tall, his hands were jammed in to his hoodie pockets. He seemed a little taller, a little thicker in his body, he had filled out more. She still oddly wasn't very interested in talking to him. "Do you think I could come in and talk?"
"Mmmm actually, I'm supposed to be heading upstate as we speak and I woke up late so I'm pushed for time."
"Look," he started, "I know you must be so mad and must want to say a lot of thing-"
Olivia laughed lightly, though he was a familiar face, that personal connection felt lost, there was no longing within her for him, there was only indifference. She had been surprised to see him, but that's as far as it went. "Elliot, I'm not mad. You came back to do a job, you left to do a job, but I really think you are expecting me to feel something here that I just don't feel. I'm not angry, I'm not hurt - I'm not anything. I'm just frustrated that I fell asleep for so long and now I probably won't be able to head upstate til tomorrow to see my son and his dad."
"Oh, so you're married…" his eyes averted to her ring finger and a little swell of relief hit him when there wasn't one.
"No. I'm not married. Elliot, if you have things you need to say, you can email me. Nothing has changed, my initials are the same… for now at least."
"You really aren't mad? It seems like you're trying to hold it in."
She laughed again, the irony of him trying to tell her how she felt, "I'm feeling impatient that I've said I'm busy and you aren't listening. Really, email me. I'll reply when I get back from my time with my family. It's good to see you, though, you're looking good."
"Thanks, so are you…"
She gave him a smile. "Goodnight Elliot."
/
Finally, Olivia thought, feeling tired and emotional after not seeing Noah or Trevor for two days, she hadn't gone that long without seeing Noah almost ever and it was taking its toll. She knew he was fine, but she just longed to hug him and hold him in her arms. And Trevor; after getting a taste of what it was to be free of responsibilities, having a real break, enjoying him and enjoying what it was to have someone for real, someone she could depend upon.
She felt tears surfacing as she drove her car up the long stretch of dirt tracks to his house. She saw her two boys hitching the horses close to the house. She parked the car and saw Noah running toward her. She got out, feeling the tears flooding her cheeks. She swept him up in her arms and cuddled him tightly. "My sweetheart," she murmured, "Mommy missed you so much." She kissed him a couple of times, burying her face in his little body, missing his comfort and the baby smell that he still hadn't lost.
"I missed you too Mommy!" Noah exclaimed. She felt Trevor's presence, waiting patiently for her to greet her son. She pulled away slowly from Noah and glanced up tearfully at her man. "Daddy missed her too," Trevor added, smiling at Olivia. He could see that she was visibly exhausted and emotional. He wrapped his arms around the both of them and enjoyed having her back in his arms.
Olivia felt his fingers stroking her hair as he held them both. Letting their embrace linger.
Noah pulled away first as he usually did. "Mommy we just took the horsies for a ride."
"I can see that," Olivia replied. Trevor wiped her cheeks and paused to kiss her lips. "We're gonna make a grilled breakfast again for Mommy, aren't we?" Trevor asked him.
Noah nodded, "Yeah, with eggs and sausage and tomatoes!"
"Oh love, that is going to be so good!" Olivia grinned at them, "I am so hungry!"
"Noah and I are just going to put the horses away and then I'll bring your bag and everything inside."
"I can take my bag. While you guys do that, I was thinking I might go upstairs and have a quick shower, is that okay? I didn't have one this morning, I just came straight here."
"Of course, love, go have a nice, long hot shower and I'll come up and give you another big hug and kiss," he smiled.
She put down Noah and let Trevor give her another warm embrace. "I fucking missed you so much, I really wanted to be here, I hated being away from you both."
"Us too," he smiled. "Okay love, off you go, have your shower, Noah and I have got you." He paused and kissed her again before letting her go.
/
While Trevor got the BBQ ready on top of the open fire, Olivia opted to go across to Jen and Joey's to say hello and to check in on her friend. She had picked up some things for her back in Manhattan the night before while she was working.
"Wait, baby," Trevor pulled Olivia aside, "come inside with me for a minute before you go…"
"Okay," she followed Trevor and Noah back inside. Noah went back to his truck game on the floor in the living room where Trevor had spread out the road map carpet from in his room. Noah had built little block houses beside some of the roads.
He pulled her in to the kitchen just out of Noah's earshot but still close enough to be able to see him. "I know you're keen to see Jen and see how she's feeling but I just wanted you to have a heads up-"
"What? Is she okay?"
He nodded and smiled, "She and Joey told me this morning she's pregnant."
Olivia stared at him for a minute. For whatever reason he had the feeling within him that she would have an emotional reaction. He wasn't wrong. Olivia felt a sweep of sadness cover her, happy for her new friend but desperately sad for herself. Before she could understand the feeling, she felt tears stinging her eyes. She tried to smile but Trevor could see that she was struggling to hide her upset.
"Its okay," he said softly as he watched her beautiful brown eyes fill with tears. He pulled her toward him. "I'm sorry…"
"Its okay," she murmured, "I don't even know why I'm sad, I'm happy for them, I really am…"
"I know, but it's okay to be sad for yourself too," he replied, kissing her temple. "I just had a feeling that you might be a little taken by surprise so I wanted to let you know first."
"Thanks," she sniffed.
"Do you wish it was you?," he prompted her gently.
"I don't know… imagine if I was pregnant now, what people would say…"
Trevor chuckled, resting his chin upon her forehead, holding her close. "That's not what I asked."
"I wish it were me, but I also know that this probably isn't the best time. And people would have something to say." She reached up and wiped her own wet eyes. "I just wish that I had the opportunity to have a family five years ago… and now when I see people getting pregnant I desperately feel sad that I don't have the family that I wanted but I don't want to seem selfish because I'm so lucky to have you and Noah."
"I know," he said softly, "but Olivia, — we can try for a baby if that's what you want."
She dared to look up at him and saw that there was no part of him that was kidding about. "What about what people say?"
"What are people gonna say, Liv? Really?," he asked, smiling at her, "I don't know, maybe… congratulations on your baby. Who gives a shit? We know how we feel, Noah has already made it clear how he feels. So let me ask you, one more time and give me your most honest, straight-shooting answer." He lifted her chin with his forefinger and smiled, a pang of hurt as he saw the sadness in her eyes. He took her face in his hands, brushing his thumb over her cheek tenderly, "Do you want to have a baby with me? Now?"
"Like this second?," she asked with the tiniest of smiles.
He cocked his head, "Answer the question."
"Do you?," she asked.
Exasperated, he let out a laugh, "Olivia, if you want a baby with me, we should drop the birth control, it's the way to get us there."
"Yes. I want to have a baby. With you," she murmured, avoiding his eyes.
"Well…" he smiled, "I also want that too. So fuck what people say, fuck what societies timeline says we have to do. We will make it work," Trevor told her, knowing that each stretch of time they spent discussing and thinking about it was a tiny shift of the door on her fertility closing. "We will make it work around your work and my work and we will make this living arrangement work and everything will fall in to place because we will make sure of it."
She was nodding, tears falling again, hanging on to every word that came from his beautiful mouth.
"When can we start trying?," she asked, a little smile finally surfacing upon her mouth and this time he could tell it was genuine.
Trevor let out a laugh, "well, we can't leave Noah unattended, but maybe later? But Liv, let's not place a lot of pressure on ourselves, okay? I don't want you to stress about it, we'll let it happen and if in awhile we haven't had any luck we'll reevaluate and make a new plan."
"I know…" she agreed and she knew she had to stay relaxed - that the higher chance she had of becoming pregnant was based upon many factors, stress being one of them. He kissed her lips.
"I am ready for our life together, Liv…"
"Me too," she murmured. "I don't want anything else than this life with you and I was only gone for two days but shit…" she sighed, "I felt so sad. I missed you so much, I missed Noah, I missed Jen and Joey and the kids and I really missed waking up to the sound of birds and cicadas."
Trevor grinned. "We need to figure out a living situation, huh?"
She nodded. "Move in with us? Okay?"
He pretended to think about it. "Mmmmm I guess…" he shrugged as if he were neither-nor-there about it.
She smacked him.
"Well, it makes more sense for me to move in with you guys, I don't want to up-end Noah. Maybe I'll sell my apartment and we can use the money to transform the farm in to whatever we want it to be, we can make it more child friendly, we can do renovations…" his voice trailed, "I could put away money for the kids…"
"What if you needed space for a night or so?" She asked.
Trevor gave her a quizzical look, "That child is calling me his Dad. Dad's don't get a day off just the same as Moms, I don't take that title lightly, love, I am making a lifetime commitment when I allowed both you and Noah to refer to me as that. It's not a joke to me and if we have a biological child together, am I supposed to what? Have a night on my own?" He laughed, "Baby, we can both have space and time to ourselves and we will one hundred percent support each other in that regard, but neither of us will be running away because things got a bit difficult."
"Fuck, I really love you…" Olivia blurted out with a little laugh, hugging him tightly again, "how did I get so lucky?"
"We both did," he smiled at her, giving her a squeeze. "Now, I'm going to go get some food for us. Do you still want to go see Jen?"
She nodded. "I will, I'll go see her. Now my flowers will be for another reason… I was so worried, I thought she had a bug or something."
"Yeah, I was there yesterday and she came downstairs and I think she had an epiphany while she was about to eat that she was pregnant because she made an excuse to go back upstairs and demanded Joe follow her and I guess she took a test…"
"She really wanted another baby, it's come up so many times since I arrived."
Trevor smiled, "I have a feeling they've been trying for a little while."
"Probably," Olivia agreed. "Okay, I won't stay over there long, I'll just go say hello and let her know I'm back."
"K baby…."
/
Olivia felt a little nervous for some reason — she wasn't even sure if Jen would want to tell her she was pregnant so early on, but still, she knocked on the door and Joe let her in, giving her a hug. "So nice to see you again, Liv, I'm glad you came back, we could hear Trevor wailing all night for you…" he joked.
Olivia laughed, "it's a wonder you couldn't hear me from Manhattan," she replied smartly.
She greeted the kids.
"Where's Jenna?"
Joey couldn't help but to smile at Olivia's use of her proper name. He was the only other person that ever called her that. She complained that it sounded too childish when she was younger, but he liked it. And frankly, so did Olivia.
"She's in the kitchen, she was so excited for your big return," he smiled. "I'm so glad you guys are getting along so well," he added, "we are both so happy that Trevor has you, I don't think he could have picked anyone more perfect."
Olivia felt her cheeks heat up, "Aww, thanks, Joe, that's so kind of you… I feel pretty lucky to have Trevor and to have someone who treats Noah with such love and kindness. I've never had that for my boy before, so its important and … their relationship is special."
Joe nodded, "Yeah, this has been in the works for Trevor for a long time, wanting to meet the right person and be a Dad too. I don't think he could have just clicked with anyone's kid though, I really think it's a testament to what a delight Noah is and how well you've raised him, Liv, he's so easy to be around."
"He's used to adults, I think… that's what it is." Olivia replied. "But I am so glad that he gets to have other children around and these kids," she nodded at the three playing well together on the floor, "they're angels."
"Uhuh," he rolled his eyes good-naturedly, "they're actually monsters. But Trev and I were monsters too, so I think it's great."
Olivia laughed. "Feel free to go find Jenna." Joe told her.
She left him to it.
Jenna was standing in the large open kitchen at the small island in the middle with a piping bag full of frosting and a large tray of what looked like around 40 cupcakes. "I'm ba-aaaack," Olivia teased with a smile.
"Oh my goodness!" Jen nearly dropping her piping bag, "ohhh, so good to see you, Liv!" She grinned at her. She set the bag down and attempted to give her a hug with all the stuff Liv was holding.
"You made a miracle recovery," Liv remarked.
"Ooft, not really, I actually feel terrible, but I can't stay in bed forever…"
"Well, these are obviously for you…" she held up a small bouquet of tulips, "I hope you like them, I'm a flower person so…. Any excuse to buy them…"
"Aww Olivia that is so nice! Thank you so much," Jen looked weary and a little pale but her smile will still so beautiful. She took the flowers and opened the cupboard to find a vase.
"Hey, you were busy with those cupcakes," Olivia put the bag down beside the kitchen island, "give me the vase and I'll put them in there for you."
"Thanks Liv, I won't be long."
"I can't stay, I just wanted to say hello," Liv replied, "Trevor is making a late breakfast for us."
"Oh, that's so nice. I'm just going to frost all these and try to have a rest, I guess."
"Theres some other little things in the bag here…" Olivia told her, lifting the bag. "Just some lift-me-ups."
Olivia arranged the flowers in the vase and placed it on the counter. "There."
"Thank you, you are the kindest," she smiled, "Hey, Liv, can I tell you something?"
"Sure," Olivia, slowly peeled her eyes from the flowers, hoping for her tears not to betray her this time.
She handed her a cupcake. "Firstly… have a cupcake."
"Thanks," Liv smiled, taking it. It looked good and was still warm. She peeled off the liner and took a little bite. It was so good. She glanced back at Jen, waiting for the news.
"Olivia, I found out I was pregnant yesterday afternoon."
"What!" Olivia tried her best at sounding shocked.
Jen started to laugh seeing straight through her terrible acting, "Trevor told you, didn't he?"
She tried not to smile, "No? Of course not," she gave it up and laughed, "congratulations Jenna, it's what you wanted, I'm so happy for you and Joe." She wrapped her arms around her friend and gave her a hug.
"Thanks Liv, it makes a lot of things make sense. It's weird, I have been pregnant 26 thousand times now," she joked, "and I still get bamboozled when I find out."
"Really?" Liv asked, "that's so funny. Well, is that what all these cupcakes are about? You really craved some?"
"Yeah, and I know I can't just make one batch, so I made some for everyone… and now I'm going to frost them and eat a shitload of them and feel sorry for myself."
Olivia chuckled. "Well if you need anything. I can make dinner for you guys tonight."
"No Liv, its okay, you've been working around the clock for the past 48 hours, you go and let Trevor pamper you. Joe has been perfect. We've got it."
"Okay," Liv smiled, "but if there's anything at all that you want or need, just message me."
"I will, thanks honey, you are the best," she replied.
"I'll leave you with it and oh my goodness I'm so glad to be back and away from the city." She gave Jen a wave. "Bye, baby mama."
She passed Joe, "congratulations, Joe."
"Thanks, Liv! Guess us Langan's have very successful swimmers." He smirked, "I'm sure you'll find out."
"Joey!" Jen exclaimed, "leave her alone."
Olivia just giggled, holding on to her own secret. She hoped that Trevor's swimmers were as successful as his brothers. "Bye guys," she waved, leaving the house, waving to the kids as she left.
/
Noah giggled, "Mommy, you're on Daddy's lap, that's silly…"
Olivia laughed, it was Noah's favourite thing to tell her that everything was silly.
"Mommy's tired," Trevor told Noah, "when she gets tired she needs lots of cuddles."
Olivia smiled, "Daddy is so tall that he even makes Mom look small, that's why I can sit here on his lap," she explained. She lifted her head though, she did feel like laying down. She had barely slept.
"Why don't you go and have a sleep," Trevor suggested. "I think a certain other person could probably be talked in to a rest too. He's been up since 4."
"Olivia made a face. "I think it's because he's fascinated by the farm, he likes to wake up early out of excitement because you've been doing stuff from the second you both wake up."
Trevor agreed. "I know, maybe we can go upstairs and put a movie on and have a family rest."
"That sounds so good to me," Olivia agreed. "I'll be asleep in half a second."
"Hey bubba," Trevor spoke to Noah, "I think we're gonna go upstairs and watch a movie this afternoon so we can cuddle up with Mommy and have a rest because we got up so early."
Noah pouted, "No I wanna play with Maple, you said we could."
"We still can, but after our nap. It's getting very hot and we are gonna just enjoy being in the cool air."
Before he was about to cry, Olivia got up from Trevor's lap and lifted her son up. "I actually think you're a little tired too, just like Mommy. Don't you wanna have cuddles with me?"
"Yes," he said softly. "But I wanna cuddle Maple too."
"I promise we'll cuddle Maple after our rest," Trevor told him, "we have to go see her anyway because we want to feed her, don't we?"
Noah nodded but still looked unconvinced.
/
Upstairs there were some changes in Trevor's room that made Olivia smile. "Look," he showed her an empty set of drawers beside her bed. "I also moved some stuff so you have space to put things in the closet if you want to put some clothes or keep some things here…"
Olivia grinned at the gesture. "I also got some magazines so that we can pick some furniture if you would prefer a different bedroom suite."
"No, I like this one, it's nice," Olivia replied, looking around. There were new lamps too. "Did you guys get new stuff yesterday?"
"Yeah, we went and bought some things, I've promised that we'll get Noah a much cooler bed, didn't I bubba?"
Noah nodded.
Olivia smiled at her son who had climbed up on to their bed, excited by the opportunity to lay right in the middle of the bed between his two favourite people. "You're so lucky to have Daddy who looked after you while I was at work, aren't you?," she asked him, sitting down on the bed next to him. "You had so many adventures…"
Noah nodded again. "Mommy, when you go back home next time I can stay here too," he told her as if it was a suggestion.
"Oh, no, honey, I think you'll need to come home next time because both of us have to work and you have to go to daycare, but we can enjoy the farm on some weekends or holidays."
Noah frowned. "Who will look after me?"
"Katja," Olivia told him, "like normal. Katja is our friend and we love her too," she explained.
"Yeah but I want to stay here with Daddy," he said softly, looking from Trevor to Olivia, his eyes down, his lower lip out and chin trembling.
Trevor turned the air conditioner on and took a seat too, taking off his t-shirt, dressing down to his white tank. "I'm coming back to the city when Mommy goes too," he told the little boy, "because we can't stay here forever, not yet… maybe one day. But guess what," he told him gently, pulling him in to his lap.
"What?" Noah asked.
"When we do come back to the farm, we'll have so much fun. When you get really good at riding Dolly, I'll get you your own big boy horse and you can have riding lessons and we'll teach you to ride the big horse so, so well and then we can all go for long rides together."
Olivia grinned at Trevor, the lifestyle he had planned sounded like a dream. "And guess what else?"
"What?" Noah asked again, his mood slowly turning back to happy. "we might build a cubby house for you and for Olly and the twins, wouldn't that be so much fun? You guys could play house or shop or car games— whatever you want."
Olivia felt full of warmth for her man.
"But all of those plans cost money and Mommy and I have to work hard in the city to make lots of money so that you and Mommy and I can have nice things. Maybe sometimes on the weekend if Mommy has to work, I can bring you here with me for a quick visit and then sometimes maybe if I have to work, Mommy can bring you for a play date."
"Okay," Noah relented. "And sometimes can we go to the park in the city?," he asked, looking at his Mom for permission.
"Of course honey," she replied. "Sometimes Trevor and I could take you, or Katja… we can still have fun together in the city." She held her arms out to him as he began to crawl in to her space. "Hey, I have one more surprise for you, kiddo,"
"What?" Noah asked.
"When we get back to the city, Daddy is gonna move all of his things in to our apartment and we're going to all live together," she told him, "isn't that true Daddy?"
Trevor grinned, "Yes, and I am so excited!"
"Really?" Noah asked, "will you take me to school sometimes too?"
"Of course," Trevor replied, "when Mommy is at work, sometimes I will pick you up — but sometimes Katja will be around too."
Noah smiled at his Mom and back at Trevor. "Mommy, will Daddy read me bed time stories too?"
Olivia nodded, "I think so, he is so good at reading the stories, isn't he?" She ran her fingers through Noah's curls, loving how cuddly he still was. The idea of getting to do it all over again with a tiny infant was so exciting to her.
She sighed with contentment.
"I'm glad you love my stories, bubba, I love making you and Mommy so happy." He leaned over and kissed Noah on the forehead and kissed Olivia on the lips.
"We love making you happy too, Daddy." Liv told him, giving him a smile.
"You always do…" he replied, kissing her again.
"Okay let's put a movie on and get in to bed." Olivia told her son, the air conditioning air was cold on her legs and she also wanted to get comfortable enough, hoping that Noah would have a sleep so that she could too.
They chose a movie and got comfortable. Noah sat up for a short while, transfixed by the screen until Olivia urged him to lay down. He let out a big yawn and began to rub his eyes and Olivia knew the signs, it was that he was just about to fall asleep.
He rolled over, finding a more comfortable position as Olivia inched closer to him and closer to Trevor. He curled his tiny body in to her and she could see that he was letting go of the fight against sleeping.
She smiled, kissing his forehead. She made eye contact with Trevor and smiled at him. "I love this feeling, I am so, so, happy."
"Me too," he murmured, reaching for her hand. He threaded his fingers between hers. "I love you."
"I love you too," she replied, sighing happily again, closing her eyes.
"Hey…"
Olivia opened her eyes, "Hmm?"
"You're still serious about what we talked about earlier? It wasn't just an emotional whim, right? You still want that baby?"
A grin took up place upon her lips. She nodded. "Absolutely, I do. I can't stop having all these stupid dreamy thoughts of having your baby…"
He chuckled, "I can't stop thinking about you walking around the farm with a baby bump, looking cute as hell, me, trying to keep my hands off you…"
She laughed too, "I wouldn't bother trying, I'd welcome your hands on me… the idea of being pregnant, having that experience, its…" she shrugged, "I don't know, I've just really wanted it for so long."
"I know, me too. And I'm so thankful I get to have Noah and now the idea of being a Dad twice is so exciting. There's hope for both of us, Liv."
She squeezed his hand. "We should get started on that baby making tonight, and maybe in the morning and I'll stand on my head for an hour afterward, maybe that'll make it take better," she joked.
Trevor laughed, "you're funny…" his eyes swept over her make-up-less face. She was so gorgeous, her loved the spread of freckles over her nose and those warm eyes that were incapable of hiding anything from him. "But I'm sure we can definitely make some time to practice making babies. Just keep in mind, you probably need to ovulate first, coming off contraception, that might take awhile…"
"Oh look at you, Mr Biology," Olivia teased.
Trevor laughed, "I'm just saying,"
"Well… if I'm honest, I'm not great at taking it, but I haven't needed to be and you've used protection so… we'll see."
He laughed again and shook his head, "Liv, you are so responsible with so many things in life, like, the most responsible person I know — and then there's tiny things like this, like taking a pill once a day or … following road rules and speed signs and suddenly the baby flies out with the bath water…"
They both laughed together knowing it was true.
"Well, I mean, I have a thousand other things on my mind and the first one when I open my eyes is not a pill, it's a coffee and then nightshift messes with me too so… and like I said, I haven't needed to worry about it for a very, very long time."
"I guess that's fair."
She sighed, "I know you say I don't need to thank you, but thanks for being so perfect with Noah while I was gone, I know you have things to do, but you always involve him in all of that and I love you for it like you have no idea…"
"You're right, you don't need to thank me,
"I know… but you didn't even complain or get frustrated that your time with me was being eaten in to by work, I appreciate that."
He felt bad that she was thankful for him just being supportive. "Liv, I know the pressures of your job, I know how hard it is for you to be as high up as you are, for wanting more for yourself, I know sometimes you can't just say no - I know sometimes they take advantage of that and I know that you know it too, but I understand, honey, and I would never try to make it harder for you than it already is."
"I know, but you must have been feeling at least a little upset about it."
"Of course I didn't want you to go, love, it was the last thing I wanted, but I also didn't want to make you more upset than you already were. Our jobs and responsibilities to each other is to make things easier and to support one another, not to make it worse."
"Thank you, Trev… you're really the best guy. The only guy, actually who has never made me feel bad about work."
"I want to see you succeed, Liv, I will support you in the best way that I can."
He let go of her hand and reached up to stroke her hair. He loved her soft, tresses, always finding a way to run his fingers through. "Can I tell you about my plan?"
"Of course…"
"Jen and I have been talking for a long time about turning the farm in to a business. We want to offer berry picking during harvest season and, I don't know if you know this but Jen is such a good horse rider, she used to participate in a lot of show jumping before kids and she used to run a pony club so we are talking about getting a few more horses and she can give one-on-one riding lessons."
"Oh, I know she can ride," Olivia chuckled, "I saw her ride that damn mechanical bull for almost two solid minutes…"
Trevor laughed, "She's a bull shark, I've seen her pretend to be terrible and win money on one of those things, she's so good at it. She has great balance… but she's been researching ways to offer farm-to-table style information online and digitising everything that we do on the farm to educate."
"Wow… Jen made some comment about your instagram page, I wasn't sure what she was talking about."
"Oh, yeah… We started a social media presence for LanganBrosFarm," he smiled, "Jen is getting involved with community markets and stuff like that, but its my dream to be able to practice law part time or on a need-to basis until the farm is viable to work on its own and we can buy more land and do more stuff with it."
"I hope I can support you with that too, baby," she murmured, "I just worry about have split lives — like, how will we make it work?"
"It's only two hours, Liv, we will make it work, I promise."
She rolled on to her back and sighed, "You're saying that, but… how? I don't want to have separate lives, Trev. You will need to be here 7 days a week if you're running a business and sometimes I don't get weekends off — I don't get time, I might only get one day off and what am I supposed to do? Get a scrap of you, you get a scrap of me? Where will Noah go to school? I don't want to have a part time son."
He went to open his mouth to say something but closed his mouth again.
Her feelings suddenly felt dark, "I don't want you to have a part time son either," she added.
"Do you want me to put what I want on hold? Because I will…" he said gently, but she knew that it wasn't what would make him happy. She didn't want him to be unhappy or narrow the scope of his dreams just to make her happy.
"No, why should you support me if I'm not supporting you?," she asked him.
Trevor could see her mood instantly clouding over. He had to admit, it was going to be difficult to make things work, there would have to be a lot of compromise and patience and understanding, but he wasn't about to lose his chance at love. He believed that he and Olivia had a deep connection, he didn't want her to run scared just because things became hard.
"When you're pregnant, you'll stay here for your maternity leave—" he told her, "and after your leave, you go back to work part time maybe for a short while? Or you shorten your hours or have more dedicated hours and that will allow us to have better routine. Noah could go to school here —"
"Stop, I don't want him to go to school here, he can't, he's my son, I don't want him to be that far from me all the time. I like being able to check in on him before I sleep or wake up with him on the days that I work. Or getting to run down during a break to pick him up and bring him in to the office so Katja can collect him. I'm not doing that with him, he's not going to be that far from me, Trevor," she told him emphatically, feeling herself getting worked up.
"Liv," he said gently, "its okay, I'm just throwing out ideas."
"It just…" she drew in a deep breath, "I don't see it working logistically."
Olivia lifted the blanket and eased out from beside her son. Becoming overwhelmed, she needed to create some space so he wouldn't witness her absolutely freaking out.
"Liv, where are you going? Don't run away from me."
"I just need to take a minute," she replied, pulling on her shorts that she had discarded. She made her way downstairs. He sighed, feeling sad. He got out of bed too, turning the TV down a little so it wouldn't wake Noah.
He followed her down and found her hiding out in the butler's pantry behind the kitchen with the door only half closed. He could hear her crying.
He pushed open the door and followed her in. "Love, come on, don't walk away from me, I'm here, I'm not going anywhere." He slid his arms around her. "Please, please don't get upset. We are going to work it out, I promise."
"I just want it to work so much," Olivia murmured, "I am tired of my life not working for anyone."
He held her for a moment and let her get her emotions off her chest. He kissed her forehead. "But, Liv," he started, "I'm not telling you your life doesn't work for us, I am telling you I will make it work for us. I am not letting you walk away, or run away or resolve that this isn't going to work. This will work."
He paused, "Jen is pregnant right?"
She nodded,
"Okay, so it's likely that Jen is going to put any plans of riding classes on the back burner. She isn't going to want to be pregnant on a horse and Joe isn't going to let her. We will make our website the prime focus, I can do that from anywhere. I will still be practicing law for the foreseeable future. If we have a baby on the way, I won't be walking away from law. I will need to be in the city for court. I will need to be there because you're there and Noah will be there and potentially any other child of ours."
"But I don't want you to for-go your dreams for me," she squeezed out tearfully, "I don't want you to resent me."
"You know what I'd resent more?," he asked, not waiting for her answer, "I would resent meeting the love of my life and turning her and our chance at being a real family away because we couldn't be grown ups and compromise and put in the hard yards."
She wiped her face.
"I will get creative about how I'll organise my dreams. And yeah, there might be times where I need to come to the farm for a week, if Noah isn't at school he can come if you're working. If you're not working, you come too, but we won't be living part time. As it stands, I would have just come here for a night or two, but it's that you were able to come that has led me to stay for as long as you can, Liv."
"I keep asking myself why does it matter so much if I become captain, a higher rank means more stress, more hours — but, I just want to show people that women can do this and they can do it well."
"I will support you one thousand percent, Olivia, but you need to really be okay with the sacrifices you will make becoming CO. You're saying its even more hours and already you struggle being away from Noah. You are sacrificing more time with him."
"I know…"
"But I want you to do what you think is right. Noah is well-adjusted and he knows how much his Mommy loves him and you two have such a wonderful bond, but its more about how you feel being away from him. I think there's also a woman inside of you that wishes she could just throw it all away and fill up the apartment with your own brood."
She managed a smile. "There is that part of me. I wanna be the soccer Mom, the Mom that hosts the best parties for my kid, that lets him have play dates and sleep overs and bakes cakes for the bake sales, I just… don't get that time."
"I know, so all I'm saying is that while it's important to trail-blaze, don't forget all about the things that you want personally too."
"Do you think it's a bad idea to gun for CO?," she asked him.
"Olivia," he smiled, "nothing is hotter to me than seeing you at the helm and full of power in a way where its executed fairly and without corruption — you are the very picture of that to me. It doesn't matter to me what you choose because I will not walk away. I just want you to make sure you are discerning what you want and what you need both professionally and personally."
"I will…"
"If CO is what you want, great, do your best and I know you've got what it takes. If you're ignoring your personal needs, I think you need to look at that too."
She looked up into his face, feeling calmer. "Thanks Trevor… for looking out for me, for not freaking out when I freak out."
He kissed her, "I'm always going to look out for you…"
/
It was useless trying to sleep in the early afternoon. Olivia and Noah were zonked. He got up and covered them both over and headed downstairs.
He went to pick up his phone to find out what his brother was up to when a message flicked up on her phone. From the one and only, MIA, Elliott Stabler, "I know I shouldn't have come to your apartment last night but it was so good to see your beautiful fac-" the rest of the message cut off.
Trevor felt sick. Why had she not told him? Why was she keeping it a secret?
He wanted to open her phone and read the rest of it, but he knew better. Still, he knew he would have to bring it up — if he didn't, he would just end up angry. Perhaps there was a good explanation.
With a sigh, he picked up his own phone and no longer felt like contacting his brother. He texted Olivia, telling her he was taking the horse out for a ride. He needed to clear his head of all the what-ifs that were now swirling around in his brain.