Inspired by the events of "Turning Over Old Leaves" by SawManiac211 (if you haven't gone and read this one -- GET TO IT! :P)
The apprentice sat quietly watching her teacher in the fashion she always used to - that was until she felt like the walls of her life came crumbling down around her. The induction of the detective was the first upset in what she saw as their perfect life together but when the "other woman" showed herself to have that little instinct John loved seeing so much, her life flipped completely upside down in her mind. She loathed the attention John gave to her, the time they spent together, and even more so the physical affections John allowed himself to show her. That was supposed to be her place, beside John, not this worthless nothing that didn't appreciate her life. As her world turned even further upside with Hoffman's life suddenly being intertwined with her own, she couldn't help but to realize that the tables would more then likely never turn back around. It wasn't that she didn't care dearly for Hoffman it was just that her heart would never allow her to let go of the teacher, father-figure, and the man she idolized.
Looking down at her hands, she balled them up into fists before releasing them and repeating the process and her behavior must have caught John's attention. As she looked up to see him facing her he looked the way she first remembered - grease strewn across his aging features, wringing his hands with a cloth to clean them off. He didn't look nearly as plagued by his disease as he had before and it pissed her off to realize that it was more then likely thanks to his constant company. For a moment his blue eyes locked with her own gaze and he cracked a small smirk before motioning towards the trap he was busy working on "Would you like to help me?"
"Would…you like me to?"
"Of course." smiling he watched as the petite brunette approached before smiling at him and knelt down, grabbing the tools and looking over the plans lying on the floor. John needed to take a small break and overall, Amanda was like a daughter to him. Sitting down in the chair Amanda was in not far from where he was working, he sighed before raising a fist to his mouth and closing his eyes tightly, coughing raggedly into his fist.
Amanda raised her head up from her work to watch him and when she realized it wasn't fading as quickly as it normally did, she set the screwdriver down and walked over to him, patting him on the back in an attempt to help him. She let out an equivalent of a squeak as blood seeped out between his fingers, dripping onto the floor and she grabbed the cloth he wiped his hands with. Pulling his hand away, as he sat up, Amanda raised the cloth to his mouth and wiped it off, offering it to him to wipe his hand.
He watched her silently as he wiped his fingers off, nodding to her "Thank you. I think I need to head back up and get some rest." He watched the frown cross her features, saw her drop her head and tilted his head to the side, placing a hand on her shoulder. He watched her gaze meet his own and in spite of the fact they were working on a trap, his gaze was surprisingly gentle. "Do you think you can finish this up for me?" As she nodded, he gave her shoulder a squeeze before smiling and heading out of the room and upstairs, leaving Amanda to not only work in silence, but also stew (which was never a good thing).
Once finished with the trap, Amanda headed upstairs, covered in grease and sweat from working so hard to get a set of gears to properly thread together. Taking the tie out of her hair, she let her long brunette hair cascade down her back, running her fingers through it before heading in the direction of the bathroom. The hot shower was a welcome relief for the tension in her muscles and the sensation of it running over the scars adorning her body was strangely euphoric. It sent chills through her body and for a while she simply studied the array of them strew across her body before realizing the water was starting to get cold. Once turned off, she stepped out and dried her hair vigorously before drying herself off and looked down at the bathroom floor - damnit, she forgot clean clothes. Wrapping the towel around herself, she gathered up her clothing and headed out the doorway, pausing in her steps as she saw John heading her way.
John stopped short in the hallway, still covered in grease having gotten caught up in a design rolling around in his head that kept him too busy to shower at the moment. He watched his young apprentice stare at him for quite some time before finally breaking the silence between them "Amanda. Is everything okay?"
Blinking back to life, she looked down at herself, wrapped in the towel and looked back up to him, smiling and nodding her head - earth to Amanda. "Yeah, just forgot something else to wear." Whenever something possessed Amanda to get into a frenzy, it was often times unexpected and overwhelming for the people around her. "Where's Michelle?" the cutting remark, the way she said it clearly startled John a bit.
"She went to get some things for me, why?"
"I thought she was supposed to be here taking care of you."
"Amanda. I'm fine, I felt fine and she asked before she left. There's no reason to be upset." He eyed her cautiously, seeing the strange fire building inside and wasn't sure what had gotten into her. All he knew was that he didn't want to have this conversation with her if it was leading to where he thought it was.
Before John could really think the distance between them was bridged and Amanda stood right in front of him, looking up at him, just barely out of reach of her towel covered body touching his. "Why do you care about her? What makes her so special? I--I thought that you loved me."
"I do love you. You're like a daughter to me, you mean the world to me." He saw her grimace at his response before she frowned, clearly waiting for him to answer the other questions she had for him. Clearly not pleased by the way Amanda was starting to act, John figured separating themselves was the better answer and shook his head at her, starting to walk back to his room.
Enraged by him ignoring her and also terribly hurt over the lack of answers, she rushed after him, grabbing his arm forcefully and causing him to turn around to look at her, now with an expression of completely displeasure. "Why won't you answer me?! Are you ashamed of her? Of how you feel about her?"
Sneering, John took hold of her arm and looked her directly in the eyes "I am not ashamed of anything. And my feelings in regards to Michelle are my own not to be shared with anyone else."
She glared at him, trying to jerk her arm until she realized he had a tight grip on it "Bullshit. I asked you a fucking question! Answer me! Do you love her? DO YOU LOVE HER?"
She could see the anger in his eyes as he snarled ever so slightly "You want the answer? You really want this? Yes, I love her. And I also love you, but not the same. Why does it matter so much to you?!"
"Because I love you! I loved you from the very first moment and you just ignored it. She didn't even love you at first, she hated what you did to her!"
"Amanda…don't start. I didn't ignore it, I didn't acknowledge it because to me you are like a daughter, why is that not enough?" He watched the expression on his young apprentice's face sink and sighed deeply, frustrated with her but able to put that aside as clearly she was horribly troubled by this conversation.
"…because I would have given you everything. My heart, my soul, my--"
"She's done the same. How can you judge her without even speaking to her? You and Hoffman both have a problem with her being here but she's here because I want her here. It's my rules, Amanda. Remember that." Letting go of her arm, he watched her curl into herself, watching the emotional breakdown and seeing those tears she tried so hard to hide drip onto the concrete floor beneath their feet. He sighed and placed a hand on her shoulder "Amanda…get some rest."
She didn't even know where it came from, but without warning she looked up at him as he touched her bare shoulder feeling the sparks from his fingertips against her skin and reached up, pulling the corner of her towel out and letting it drop to the floor. She watched him freeze and look at her, expressionless, and then the tears started to fall without warning down her cheeks flushed from anger. "I'm willing to do anything--"
"Amanda. What about Mark, hmm? Do you really think this is fair to him? Listen, the detective and I came to an understanding about his relationship with you and both agreed to the terms. You need to uphold your part of the bargain." Bending down he picked up the towel off the floor and held it up to her as her hands slowly came up to take hold of it.
She was breathing hard now, getting upset that he turned her down but he was right. What about the detective? She loved him and now she was doing this because of what? Because she didn't want to allow John the same thing he allowed her? "But she--she…"
"…I don't deserve her if anything Amanda. Because when it comes down to it, you and Hoffman have more time to spend then she and I ever will. I will end up leaving her behind to mend yet another wound in her life. Michelle will have to go on without me. Do you remember how you felt thinking you wouldn't be capable of saving Mark? How do you think she feels knowing she cannot save me and how I feel knowing I cannot save her the pain? You know how you feel about Mark? Why not allow me the same with her?"
"…then why even let yourself get close?"
"I don't have the answer to that. It just feels…right. All I can do now is make the days we spend together count." He could see the wheels turning as Amanda processed the information before he sighed and nodded to her, giving her a gentle push towards her room.
In spite of their talk, Amanda knew her heart would never let go of John Kramer. He was everything the detective wasn't and that was both a good and bad thing. Amanda would go on loving the detective, cherishing her moments with him. But she would also go on loving John, thinking of what could have been and in spite of everything he said, she would loathe the very day Michelle entered into their world and became John's everything.
Is it you I want or just a notion of? A heart to wrap around so I can find the way around. Safe to say from here we're getting closer now. We are never sad cause we are not allowed to be. Rain rain go away, come again another day. All the world is waiting for the sun.