A/N – I know I have updated this story a few more times than "Learning to Love" this week. I'm having a lot of fun coming up with Jasper's random thoughts and it is mildly therapeutic for me. It seems that the more I write his random thoughts the more my random thoughts morph into a random thought Jasper might have. So the creative juices are flowing over here. I PROMISE I am working on "Learning to Love" and this next chapter – hopefully – will be a big bang.

Just as a preview of sorts it has taken just over 4 pages to cover their first 15 minutes on the hunt! I promise Jasper and Alice are having fun!

There is a song I was listening to that seemed to inspire a lot of this chapter. Remember I'm a music nerd and don't make fun of me. The song for this entry is "She Goes All The Way" by Rascal Flatts. If you've never heard it I recommend you give it a listen while you read this and get a little deeper into Jasper's head. - Jo

I don't own any of these characters – Stephanie Meyer does.

My Ali is Gone

Alice left on a girl's only hunting trip this morning. All the girls in the house ran out sometime after sun up. I really hate to see her go but I know she will enjoy herself and I know it really is a necessity. I'd hate to see her suffer in any way because I made her stay behind. She'll be gone all weekend. Time seems to be ticking by at an ever slowing pace. Emmett can't handle being apart from Rosalie, as usual. So he's locked himself in their room – I'll give no more details other than to say EEEEEWWWWW!!!!! Edward couldn't handle his thoughts any longer so he left to go hunting on his own. We'll see if he feels guilty when he comes home – maybe he's doing more than hunting out there. Carlisle – of course – chose to pass the time without Esme by taking on back to back shifts at the hospital. He won't be back until shortly before the girls are. So that leaves me here. Alone. With Emmett. YUCK! Couldn't he at least be a little quieter about it?! His levels of lust are not helping my missing Alice in the slightest. It is forcing my mind to go places I don't want it to go. If it continues to go in this direction I may naturally combust before my Alice gets back and then all the thoughts running through my head at this moment will be impossible. DAMN YOU TO HELL EMMETT CULLEN! I'm trying very hard to be a gentleman here but I am beginning to lose my mind. I would like to say I hate Emmett Cullen because he is insatiable. Does it NEVER END?! How can he just keep at it like that? Don't sprain anything important there Em. I would also like to say that I hate Edward Cullen because he left me here alone with that fucker upstairs – when I asked if I could go with he said he needed some time alone. He ran out before I could register his emotions so he may be doing more than hunting after all.

Alice. My Alice. Thanks to Emmett's lust all I can think about clearly in my powerful vampire brain is Alice. Alice's hands. Her soft, gentle, warm, loving hands. I like when they are on me. I like when they are on my chest. I like how it feels when she rubs them all over my chest… especially when she gently teases my nipples each time she passes them. Then when I start panting and pulling her closer to me she looks up at me with the most innocent expression and says "What?" Her emotions always give her away though.

God I love when her hands are all over me, everywhere. I love when she touches my leg. It's usually in the most casual way. When I'm sitting on the couch reading a book she'll come sit next to me and put her hand just above my knee. The bolt of lightning that shoots up my leg from that spot is so delightful. She knows it gets my attention and sometimes that's enough. She just wants me to have some physical contact with her. She knows how that makes my ability stronger. I love her for knowing. There are some members of this family that don't know that little fact, which is probably a good thing because it could be used for evil I suppose. Other times she wants more. Sometimes she rubs her fingers along the inside of my leg – still just above my knee. It slowly drives me crazy. It makes me forget what I just read. It makes it 100 times harder to concentrate. Even with vampire perfect recall I have to read a sentence five times before I have the vaguest idea what it says. I love when she does that to me. It's a slow and loving torture I would take any time.

There is a no more common human gesture than her holding my hand. It's one of the few things we can get away with at school. I love how her hands feel so soft and warm in mine, yet still so strong and comforting. Her hands always make me feel safe and protected. As long as I have her hand in mine I have all the self-control of even Edward or Carlisle. She is so much smaller than me. Her hands are no exception. Her hand fits so perfectly in mine. I can close my hand around hers and her entire hand and part of her wrist disappear inside my hand. It makes me feel strong and protecting and caring just thinking about it. She says it's how she sees everything about me. She says it is the physical representation of how I care for her emotionally and physically. Sometimes when we are walking across a room she feels like dancing. I don't understand that one bit. She always wants me to twirl her. As long as I can keep holding her hand I'll give her whatever she wants. I love the look on her face when she does. It's so full of love. She has learned to manipulate her hand in mine. If she allows her wrist to slip from my hand – an imperceptible change to anyone else – she can pull off some of the sweetest torture I have ever felt. Although I do feel a little self-conscious walking around school – or anywhere else we may be when she does this – with the world's worst hard-on, but most of my brain doesn't care because it's Alice. My Alice. She can slip her tiny little hand out of mine just the slightest and run the illegally soft tips of her fingers along the very center of my palm ever so lightly. She knows not to do it while I'm driving, because instantly all my attention is hers. I have to admit it is a great way to pass the time in boring classes.

I like when her hands are in my hair. Okay I lied. I LOVE when her hands are in my hair. It has to be the most soothing feeling in the world. Somehow she can make all my inequities dissolve just with that simple gesture. She has the amazing power to make it mean so many different things. When I'm busy hating myself she can sneak in on me and rub my head and it makes me think more about loving her and a lot less about hating myself. She can also use that contact to push all of her love and adoration for me into my brain. Sometimes I can be real idiot. She can make it the most sensual gesture – if she is so inclined. When I am kissing her and she wraps her hands around my neck to pull me closer; she runs her hands higher into my hair and I can feel every ounce of desire she has for me in an instant. When I am making love to her and she wraps her hands in my hair. She can make my pleasure so much more by tugging on my hair as she loses all control. That just might be my favorite thing for her hands to be doing in that moment. Her hands are so soothing to my scalp I can't even describe it. Nothing is better. My mother used to rock me when I was really little, and it doesn't begin to compare. She used to send me some of my favorite of her baking confections when I was at war and wanted to come home, this is a million times better. Nothing makes me love her more, nothing makes me feel her long stronger, nothing makes me feel more complete than her hands in my hair.

Alice's hands can do some wicked and naughty things as well. I love when she sneaks up behind me while I'm pulling on my jeans and she slips her hands between them and my boxers on my butt. There is no feeling like her small, caring hands on my butt. She knows just how to drive me absolutely wild with just the slightest touch. I love when she hugs me and grabs my butt. It's amazing how the meaning of a hug can change so much with just the simplest of gestures… the simplest grab. She's never harsh or mean about it. She has the most loving hands; I don't think they are capable of being harsh. They are always so loving as she rubs my butt and whispers in my ear all the other naughty things she would like to do to me. I love when she slips her hand down my back into my boxers as I'm kissing her in the closet when we change = which is often because she always seems to have new clothes for us. I love the feeling of her soft skin against my most intimate skin. There is nothing like the love I feel from her as she does that. It's pretty entertaining – not to mention the most amazing feeling – when she slips her hands inside the back of my jeans and finds that I have been a very bad boy not worn boxers at all. The look on her face is almost as priceless as the way her hand squeezes my butt possessively or her emotions in that moment. If I close my eyes and put my head back against the back of the couch here I can almost feel her hand there now. It is so much easier for her to feel my emotions from a distance because we are so close. I can't get enough of when I am unknowingly broadcasting my emotions to her while I am in the shower and thinking of her in ways that are not so gentlemanly. She has this way of sneaking into the shower and pushing me against the wall of the shower and grabbing my butt in the most suggestive of ways. It only gets better when she asks me, "Whatchya gonna do about it cowboy?" and gives my butt a little tighter squeeze. God I love that woman. God I miss her.

As if her hands don't wield enough power in my world there is still one way she touches me that could yet be the death of me. My favorite of her ploys is in my head now. The way I am sitting here. Alone. This is the time of day I would normally choose to be laying in bed resting. Of course I can't sleep but sometimes it just feels nice to get to lie down and not think about anything and just let all your muscles relax out. I spent 100 years after my change constantly doing things – horrible things. Now I like to take some time to just relax. I have found the most comfortable way to do this is to strip down to my boxers and climb into bed. With such sensitive vampire skin I can feel the soft fibers of the sheets and the comforter. I can feel the soft give and support of the pillow under my head. If I concentrate on my breathing and nothing else enough I can almost feel like I am asleep. I can be so distracted and honed in on that one, useless action that she can sneak in on me and climb right into be next to me and I don't even register it. My attention focuses quite clearly, however, as soon as he warm little hand snakes down the front of my boxers and wraps around my length. It gets hard instantly in her hand. She always makes the loveliest sounds as she enjoys rubbing her hand all along me. There is nothing in the world that could make me allow her to stop in that moment. She never abuses this power over me that she wields but she does use it to make my world light up. In fact at some point in the process of her ministrations of this sort my world will light on fire and I have to have her. Other times if I am sitting alone somewhere – like now – she will come to me and pull me to our room or out to some secluded spot in the woods and before I can register where we are or why we are here my head will instinctively snap down to see her tiny little hand rubbing my most sensitive of intimate of skin. There is nothing like her hand on my length. There is nothing like her hand on me when she wants to me to make her mine… again.

Quite frankly there is nothing like Alice's hands… anywhere… anyplace… any time. There is nothing like Alice. My Alice. My. Alice. God I miss her. God I need her to come home.

Great! She's only been gone 20 minutes.