I don't own any of these characters – I just make you laugh at them.
This chapter of Jasper's mental randomness is dedicated to Icecoldhamster.
Why Emmett Cullen Should NEVER Have a Llama
Because he can barely keep himself out of trouble, what on earth would he do with a llama?
Because the name Spike is the worst name I have ever herd for a llama!
Because he spends most of his time outside of school – and way too much inside of school – with Rosalie, the poor thing would be lonely.
Because dressing a llama up as a reindeer for Christmas is not fair to the llama.
Because although no one in Forks may notice the prescience of a llama, we won't always live here and those other people might.
Because I doubt llamas enjoy the weather in Alaska.
Because a llama cannot be turned into a vampire and will therefore die LONG before Emmett, and then we will have to hear him cry when the poor creature dies.
Because despite the above fact, Emmett will still try to turn it into a vampire – thus making the crying think happen sooner rather than later.
Because vampires are unable to actually cry, therefore when he needs to he will just run around screaming and breaking everything in sight. This should be prevented at all costs.
Because I don't think any llama will give Emmett a "piggy back ride."
Because I don't think any creature – Llama or otherwise – should have to endure Emmett being referred to as "Daddy."
Because llama's are not allowed in bed with him – by order of both Esme and Rosalie
Because llama's are not allowed in the house – by order of Esme
Because llama's are not allowed in his jeep – by order of Rosalie under pain of celibacy
Because I don't think Forks is zoned for llamas.
Because llamas are not allowed within a mile radius of the Volvo or the Vanquish – by order of Edward
Because llamas are not allowed to refer to Carlisle as "Grandpapy" - by order of Carlisle (Because no one is allowed to refer to Carlisle as "Grandpapy" which includes but is not limited to his "children" and llamas)
Because llama's are not to be dressed up and have their makeup done no matter how much Alice wants this done and I doubt Emmett would do anything but watch and laugh.
Because llamas require food and Emmett swore years ago he would never touch food again because it made him gag.
Because who the hell is going to clean up after the thing? I ain't doin it!
Because llamas are not allowed to eat Alice's make up, fingernail polish or hair care products – by order of Alice (Emmett has named all of these things as alternatives to food)
Because undoubtedly, at some point he will want to somehow include it in sex acts and that just isn't fair to anyone.
Because Rosalie said no.
Because Esme said no.
Because Alice said no.
Because Carlisle said no.
Because Edward said no.
HELL! Because I said no.
Because at some point he's going to be lazy and decide he is hungry but doesn't want to go out in the woods and will eventually eat it – thus bringing that crying thing up again.
BECAUSE WE ARE FUCKING VAMPIRES! We are trying to blend in here and I have no clue where you have to go to blend in and own a llama at the same time but I am guessing there is sun there.
Jasper Whitlock Hale Cullen