I don't own any of these characters, I just make them do funny things for my own selfish enjoyment... if you enjoy it too you know what to do at the bottom! ;)

This is dedicated to all the Emmett lovers out there - Especially coloroutsidethelines who sent this insanity such a nice review last time we made fun of Emmett! Love ya Em! - Jo

111 Things Emmett Cullen is NEVER Allowed to Do Under Pain of Death

1. It goes without saying: Emmett is not allowed to drive the Volvo or the Vanquish.

2. Emmett is not allowed in Edward's bedroom.

3. Emmett is not allowed in Alice and Jasper's bedroom.

4. Emmett is not allowed in Carlisle and Esme's bedroom.

5. Emmett is not allowed in anyone's bedroom that is not his own, unless Rosalie says he's sleeping on the couch and then he is allowed in no bedroom at all.

6. Emmett is not allowed to own a puppy.

7. Emmett is not allowed to own a kitten.

8. Emmett is not allowed to own a hamster.

9. Emmett is not allowed to own a monkey no matter how cool it might be.

10. Emmett is not allowed to own a LLAMA! PERIOD! (see previous entry)

11. Emmett is not allowed to jump on the couch.

12. Emmett is not allowed to yell at the TV when football games don't turn out his way, or the officials make a call he disagrees with.

13. Emmett is not allowed to yell at football players on the TV screen because guess what buddy... they can't hear you!

14. Quite frankly Emmett Cullen is in no way allowed to watch football on TV for any reason – it's just way easier on the rest of us.

15. Emmett is not allowed to soup up his own car. He must let Rosalie do it for him because explaining to humans why we were all home, the entire house had blown up and yet none of us was hurt was a royal pain in the ass! (those bastards just wouldn't buy a story that we were all out of the house in random places at 3 am. I don't understand why?! So sure the school was closed, that doesn't mean we couldn't be there!)

16. Emmett is not allowed to hunt down a human with the soul purpose of keeping it as a pet.

17. Emmett is not allowed to watch "Finding Nemo" as we are all sick and tired of him chanting "People are Friends, NOT Food!"

18. Emmett is not allowed to modify the school P.A. System to run a track of "I'm Too Sexy" adding his name into certain parts anytime the school administration tries to make an announcement. (No one should be subjected to that)

19. Emmett is not allowed to modify the cop cars in ANY city/town so they turn off after hitting 50 miles an hour. (it may be funny but it looks suspicious when he grins like that and since he has demonstrated that he can't do it without grinning like that he's no longer allowed to do it.)

20. Emmett is not allowed to modify people's toasters so they shoot the toast into the ceiling when they make their morning toast. (He always over does it and these folks have toast shaped holes in their ceilings/roofs now.)

21. Emmett is not allowed to modify the school sprinkler system to go off anytime someone starts singing "It's Getting Hot in Here."

22. Emmett is not allowed to take his shirt or any other article of clothing off when he hears the song "It's Getting Hot in Here."

23. Emmett is not allowed to sing the song "It's Getting Hot in Here."

24. Emmett is not allowed to sing "P.Y.T." to female teachers in an attempt to get out of doing homework.

25. Come to think of it, Emmett is not allowed to sing "P.Y.T." to male teachers – either – in an attempt to get out of doing homework. (we still have a lawsuit pending against him in one state because of that.)

26. Emmett is not allowed to sing Michael Jackson songs at all... leave that to Mike man!

27. Emmett is not allowed to sing any song referring to a woman as sexy when Alice walks into a room – That just ain't cool man.

28. Emmett is not allowed to sing any song referring to a woman as sexy when Esme walks into a room.

29. Emmett is not allowed to sing any song referring to a woman as sexy when Rosalie walks into a room... no one needs to see the result of that.

30. Emmett is not allowed to sing any song referring to a man as sexy when Alice walks into a room.

31. Emmett is not allowed to sing any song referring to a man as sexy when Esme walks into a room.

32. Emmett is not allowed to sing any song referring to a man as sexy when Rosalie walks into a room... Esme does not want to fix another Emmett shaped hole in the wall!

33. You know what, let's save time... Emmett is not allowed to sing any song referring to ANYONE as sexy when Carlisle walks into a room.

34. Emmett is not allowed to sing any song referring to ANYONE as sexy when Edward walks into a room – especially at school or any other public place.

35. Emmett is not allowed to sing any song referring to ANYONE as sexy when Jasper walks into a room.

36. Emmett is not allowed to sing any song referring to ANYONE as sexy – most especially himself – when EMMETT walks into a room.

37. Emmett is NEVER allowed to sing the hamster dance song.

frankly Emmett is not allowed to sing period... it's not good for anyone.

39. Emmett is not allowed to show up at the hospital and follow Carlisle around claiming it is bring your daughter to work day... whether it really is bring your daughter to work day or not.

40. Emmett is not allowed to to show up at the hospital and follow Carlisle around claiming it is bring your son to work day... no such observance exists.

41. Emmett is never to step foot in the hospital for any reason.

42. Emmett is not allowed to offer to do "Quicky IV's" behind the hospital for "Folks Afraid of Needles."

43. Emmett is not allowed to walk around outside the hospital in a pair of Carlisle's spare scrubs and claim to be Dr. Cullen and a blond impostor has stolen his credentials and is currently in the hospital and has asked security to keep him out. (He tried that on Carlisle's first day in a new city once and it took almost two days to get things straightened out and get Carlisle out of jail.)

44. Emmett is not allowed to volunteer to be a candy striper at the hospital... he does not look good in a red and white striped dress thank you VERY much!

45. Emmett is pretty much not allowed anywhere within a five mile radius of the hospital.

46. Emmett is not allowed to make googoo eyes at Rosalie in public... the aftermath is definitely not a public affair and is so much worse than NC-17 it's not even funny. (I'm still in therapy from being subjected to that.)

47. Emmett is not allowed to paint the house pink... EVER. AGAIN. - Per Esme

48. Emmett is not allowed to paint the jeep pink claiming he is helping her dress up for Halloween.

49. Emmett is not allowed to dress the jeep up as a vampire for Halloween... it's just tacky.

50. Emmett is not allowed to dress up as a vampire for Halloween... that's even more tacky.

51. Emmett is not allowed to paint Rosalie's BMW pink if he ever wants her to do "that thing" ever again! (trust me you don't want to know what "that thing" is. I had to see it once... EW)

52. Emmett is not allowed to paint his hair pink and claim he is an angry teenager who has gone punk rock.

53. Emmett is not allowed to wear black fingernail polish, dye his hair black and ware black makeup and claim to have gone goth.

54. Emmett is not allowed to claim he is going goth, because he has "the perfect complexion for it."

55. Emmett is not allowed to pain the neighbor's cat pink.

56. Basically, Emmett is not allowed to touch, use or even look at anything that will change something to a different color either temporarily or permanently.

57. Emmett is not allowed to make kissy faces at Jasper when Alice is trying to calm him down from wanting to eat humans at school.

58. Emmett is not allowed to make kissy faces at Edward any time some girl at tried to flirt with him... the humans wonder why his lips don't get chapped from all the puckering.

59. Emmett is not allowed to make kissy faces at Carlisle and Esme when he comes home from work and asks, "How was your day dear?"

60. Emmett is not allowed to make kissy faces at Rosalie unless he actually intends to put his money where his mouth is.

61. Emmett is not allowed to engage in any type of sexual act at school.

62. Emmett is not allowed to engage in any type of sexual act in any public place.

63. Emmett is not allowed to engage in any type of sexual act where anyone but his wife can see it or walk in on it.

64. Emmett is not allowed to touch himself under the lunch table and claim to be "passing the time."

65. Emmett is not allowed to touch himself while watching Girls Gone Wild commercials. (I understand why doing things at vampire speed is cool sometimes but dude, don't sprain anything!)

66. Emmett is not allowed to touch himself in health class and calling it "Self Exploration." (You've been on this earth since 1915, if you haven't found it in previous expeditions it ain't there!

67. Emmett is not allowed to touch himself under his desk in class and say he's just waiting until he can see Rosalie so she can do it for him.

68. Emmett is not allowed to touch himself under his desk in class and say he's just "shooting the breeze!" (It's not flying breeze I'm worried about.)

69. Emmett is not allowed to touch himself and say Edward's hair told him to do it.

70. Emmett is not allowed to touch himself and say Rosalie's hair told him to do it.

71. Emmett is not allowed to touch himself and say Rosalie's cat did it. (although that might be his one viable argument.)

72. Let's just be safe and say Emmett is not allowed to touch himself without prior consent of Rosalie.

73. Emmett is not allowed to say that Edward's hair told him to do anything on the above list.

74. Emmett is not allowed to say that Edward's hair told him to do anything on the list below this.

75. Emmett is not allowed to say Rosalie's hair told him to do anything on the list above or below this.

76. Emmett is not allowed to break things and claim Rosalie's cat did it. (Even if her "cat" did do it, it was only because of what he was doing to it.)

77. Emmett is not allowed to play with fire and claim Rosalie's cat did it.

78. Emmett is not allowed to break an entering ANYWHERE and claim that Rosalie's cat did it. (I saw the episode of South Park where Oprah's "cat" holds up a bank, and I could be wrong – I have no experience with the thing – but I don't think her cat is that bold.)

79. Let's just save time and say Emmett is not allowed to claim Rosalie's cat did anything.

80. Emmett is not allowed to say Rosalie's cat told him to do anything.

81. Emmett is not allowed to call... well that... "Rosalie's Cat" if he plans on ever playing with her cat again – Per Rosalie.

82. Emmett is not allowed to call Carlisle Grandpa.

83. Emmett is not allowed to call Carlisle Granddaddy – no matter how much he likes me telling stories about mine in Texas.

84. Emmett is not allowed to call Carlisle Pops.

85. Emmett is not allowed to call Carlisle Old Man.

86. Emmett is not allowed to call Carlisle Grandpappy.

87. Emmett is not allowed to call Carlisle Older Than Dirt.

88. Emmett is not allowed to call Carlisle Old Man Winter and then say, "See he has snow white hair and his hands are cold as ice!"

89. Emmett would be wise to just call Carlisle, Carlisle.

90. Emmett is not allowed to call Esme, Granny.

91. Emmett is not allowed to call Esme, Mrs. Clause.

92. Emmett is not allowed to call Esme, GrandLady.

93. Emmett is not allowed to call Esme, Grandmummy.

94. Emmett is not allowed to call Esme, Grandma

95. Emmett is not allowed to call Esme, MeMaw, MawMaw or MaMaw – No matter how cute he thinks it is that I use those terms for my human granmothers.

96. Emmett is not allowed to call Esme, Lady.

97. Emmett is not allowed to refer to Esme as, Lady Bird Johnson

98. Emmett is not allowed to reder to Esme as, Lady Bird Johnson's Clone.

99. Emmett should just stick with the standard Esme, although she does appreciate hearing us call her mom every now and again.

100. Emmett is not allowed to call any female Mummy, he is not British, that is Robert Pattinson and Harry Potter/Daniel Radcliffe. (We know you're huge fans of theirs dude, but seriously!)

101. Emmett is not allowed to go skinny dipping in the city pool.

102. Emmett is not allowed to answer his cell phone "City Morgue: you stab 'em, we'll slab 'em."

103. Emmett is not allowed to answer his cell phone "you stab 'em, I'll slab 'em."

104. Emmett is not allowed to answer his cell phone "you stab 'em, I'll eat 'em."

105. Emmett should play it safe and just stick to texting.

106. Emmett is not allowed to play with, touch or even possess human food.

107. Emmett is not allowed to tell people he likes his meet as rare as possible.

108. Emmett is not allowed to tell people he likes the blood on the dish more than the steak itself.

109. Emmett is not allowed to tell people he enjoys "the hell out of" the practice of eating raw meat.

110. Emmett is not allowed to mention his eating habits to ANYONE!

111. Emmett is not allowed to do one man shows of each of the Harry Potter novels and force the entire family to sit and watch them. (It's quite disturbing when he attempts to dance with himself during his one man rendition of the Goblet of Fire. Still not too sure about why he insists on being Harry and Cedric at the same time... CREEPY!)

NOTICE: The Cullen 86ers are heading out to the country... for real. We live in the south in a small town but not too far from the big city. Maybe 45 minutes max. However it seems there are a few things going on out at the Cullen farm (owned by Grandma and Granddaddy Cullen) that would go smoother with some young hands. So, the 86ers have volunteered to head out there for a month - starting Monday - to help out. We will try to update as often as possible and we will be sure to post pics of the lovely country around us. It really is peaceful out there and we really wish we could share the serenity of the land with all of you. Don't think we have forgotten you and we are hoping to update all the stories before we leave. We should have time to write, edit and post at night if we haven't passed out in exhaustion from all the manual labor.

Lovin' the Country Life

Jo, Ali, Jazz, Jay, Em, Edward