I don't own twilight, I just bring out their fun sides.

A/N Alright kids… my Beta picked up on this and I was even questioning it so I went back and checked it in my "Cowboy Songs, Jokes, Lingo n' Lore" book. (Yes the book really exists and yes I own it… I also own a sister book called "Rousing Songs and True Tales of the Civil War" which also came into play in this little shindig.) The word is Techy… you'll see it at the end. It's touchy on an extreme southern drawl.

Speaking of my Beta, she's awesome and she's a lean, mean fixin' all my spellin' errors machine. (Who knew it was so hard to spell Porsche) Everybody go give some love to the real teacher because she totally deserves it. Rock on!

Okay now on to some Jasper and Alice fun… he he!

I found a folded up piece of paper in my book one day. It was rather inconspicuous, so I almost missed it. The thing was covered in Alice's handwriting so of course it excited me. This is what it said…

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Jasper Hale Is NOT Allowed To:

Download any more CD's from Amazon MP3 that have any relation to the Civil War… especially if they have the Gettysburg Address referenced, because they just piss you off.

Download $300 in music from Amazon MP3 and then NOT BACK IT UP! You may be immortal but your computer is NOT!

Make Alice dance to any song that was a "dance classic of the 1860's" – THAT JUST AIN'T HAPPENING COWBOY! I love you… but no!

Run up and down the stairs screaming "THE YANKEES ARE COMING! THE YANKIES ARE COMING!"

Call Carlisle "General Lee" when he acts overly serious. Saying "Yes Sir, Generally Lee, Sir!" just pisses him off!

Pretend the Porsche is THE General Lee. You will not hood slide on the hood of my Porsche mister – so help me God – if you plan on keeping Vlad where he is, you'll stop that shit right now!

Whistle Dixie instead of the Jeopardy song when I take forever in the dressing room.

Tell the story of the little boy you sent running past union soldiers screaming "Hurray for Jefferson Davis." No one cares that the union "prick" screamed "Hurray for the Devil" and only you find it funny that the kid was quick enough to respond "You hurray for your captain and I'll hurray for mine." Seriously hon, move on!

Call Edward a doodle when he does something stupid. It took him 20 years to look up the word and he really doesn't give a shit if you call him a Yankee so zip it already. You may also not call him a Little Coot for the same reason.

Refer to the American flag as "Old Gridiron" in public. The old people give you dirty looks and there was that lynch mob that one time…

Call Carlisle a "Quinine" or refer to his long term patients as members of the "Puny List."

Okay basically NO SOLDIER SLANG AT ALL… it pisses Alice off and that is never good.

Insist Esme install a flag pole so you can fly the confederate flag for the confederate independence day. No one appreciates that every hour you run to its base, salute and sing "God Save the South" at the top of your lungs. Any song that ends of the word "Death" is simply creepy and/or depressing.

Scream "Eat Paint Yankee Scum!" When firing at Edward or Carlisle during paintball games.

Make me come from across the room while we are watching movies with the family, and then look at me like I'm crazy and ask, "what's up with you darlin'?"

Jasper Hale is MOST DEFINITELY allowed to:

Call me "Techy as a Teased Snake" when I'm in a bad mood.

Refer to my driving the Porsche at full throttle as "Burnin' the Breeze."

Say "Burro Milk" instead of Bull Shit.

Refer to you taking me on a date as "Courtin'" or "Callin'."

Refer to large game as "Chuck."

Say you have "Cleaned his plow" when you beat Emmett at a wrestling match.

Put on your cowboy hat and refer to the thing as a "War Bonnet."

Refer to your sexily sharp teeth as "Eattin' Irons."

Okay let's cut to the chase I don't have a lot of time here… you should most definitely use all of the cowboy slang you remember… that right there is a panty dropper. (Hey do you have some kind of slang term for that too?)

Make me come every day. (Wait, you already do that. Keep up the good work cowboy!)

Use your sexy smile on me at all times.

Use that sexy, mischievous grin at any time the sexy smile would be inappropriate… you know the one I mean.

Grab my butt every time you hug me… another panty dropper.

Drive me around really fast in the speed boat when we are out at Isle Esme.

Play Speed-Boat-Jasper any time we are NOT at Isle Esme but in water. (accept the tub. See the next one.)

Make really hot love to me while we're in the tub. (God I love that tub.)

Use the dining room table for naughty purposes when we're the only ones home.

Make Edward and Emmett fall madly in love with each other… for my amusement.

Make me come from across the room with your fuck-tastic power.

Make me come while I'm in the shower and you are not… with your fuck-tastic power.

Wear your shit kickers.

Wear tight wranglers.

Wear aforementioned wranglers, COMANDO.

Let's be honest… go commando whenever.

Let me slide my hands inside the waist band of your jeans when I'm excited, so I can squeeze your butt so you feel the excitement too.

Let me touch your butt whenever I want.

Touch my butt whenever you want.

Let me jump on our bed.

Read me bedtime stories, even if I don't sleep.

Let me play with Vlad any time I want… which is always… if Rose and Emmett can do it in the girls bathroom SO CAN WE!!!!!

LOVE YOU JAZZ!

Alice

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I couldn't believe how much this honey-do and honey-don't list turned me on. Obviously there was a reason for her to leave it and I was pretty sure why she had.

Payback was most definitely in order.

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I like Civil War music… it makes me feel young again!

Okay I didn't backup my music once… so blow me! ;)

Those are good songs… you always make me dance to your favorite songs, would it kill you to just go along with it once… I THINK NOT! Mostly because you are already dead.

I like running up and down the stairs screaming "THE YANKEES ARE COMING! THE YANKIES ARE COMING!" It's not hurting anybody and sometimes it makes me feel useful.

Okay I could layoff calling the old man General Lee.

Hey! YOU BE NICE TO VLAD! A wise person once said, "Don't punish the penis for what the dick did." (my point exactly) Fine, the Porsche is not the general lee… the vanquish is!

Sorry I don't know the Jeopardy song so you're stuck with Dixie.

Seriously… that story is FUNNY!

FINE! Can I call Edward a "Blue Belly"? It's the same thing… just in Cowboy language!

That lynch mob was scary… if only they knew what they were really chasin'.

Okay calling them members of the puny list is mean… but Carlisle is a "Quinine".

If Mama ain't happy, ain't no body happy… and Alice is my hot mama! Check!

God save the South;
God save the South;
Her altars and firesides,
God save the south!
Now that the war is nigh.
Now that we arm to die,
Chanting our battle cry, Freedom or death!
Chanting our battle cry, Freedom or death!

You know it's funny to call him Yankee Scum! Admit it! He likes it… that's how he knows I love him.

What's up with you coming in the middle of horror movies Alice? That's kinda weird. I love you anyway but I don't have to always understand you! ;)

As for that other list, if you can find me… I think I can handle all of that. ;) The question is…

Where am I?

Any guesses on where Jasper has gone off to? If you can find him (and you review)... he's all yours! ;)