It felt like having Riley back, in a vague way, Ellie thought to herself, as she helped Hannah put her few personal things away in the various cabinets and drawers of Ellie's room. Ellie shoved her own few things to one side, making room for more clothes to fit, and tucked everything in neatly. "I think that's everything," Ellie said, patting the last of the pajamas in the drawer. "Do you need anything else put in here?"
Hannah shook her head, sitting down on the edge of the bed, distractedly bouncing a little, the softness a foreign concept to her. "No, thank you, Ellie. I'm truly grateful for the kindness. I don't deserve it at all, I know that."
"Are you crazy?" Ellie jumped onto the bed next to Hannah, making them both bounce. "Of course you do. Shit happened, it happened to all of us." She laid a hand on Hannah's arm. "Those bad things, it hurts that they happened. For you, and for me. But you have to let them sit on a shelf after a while. They are like a wound, that's all stitched up and bandaged. If you keep ripping off the bandage and pulling the stitches out to see if it's healed, it will never get better. You might be left with a scar, or even an amputation. But it will heal. It changes you. But it shouldn't hold you back from life."
Hannah smiled crookedly. "Pretty wise words for someone your age."
Ellie grinned. "Someone told them to me once, when I needed to hear it. I just stole the words to say to you."
"Must have been a wise person, to say all that and make it stick in your head," Hannah grunted, as she shoved her legs under the quilt and hunched forward, stretching her back.
"Joel," Ellie admitted. "I don't know if you consider him a wise person, but it seemed wise at the time."
"Of course it would have to be Joel. He knows like, everything, it seems like. So, which side of this bed should I sleep on? Do you have a favorite?"
Ellie immediately wanted to be closer to Joel, even if there were two doors and a hallway separating them, and she frowned. "I'll sleep on the outside. You can sleep on this side, away from the door. I can keep you safe."
Hannah laughed and flopped down on her newly designated side of the bed. "Safe from what? Burglars? Infected?"
Ellie glared at her and Hannah's face fell. "Yeah, not funny, I guess."
"No."
"Sorry." Hannah settled back on the pillow, clasping her hands over her baby bump. "Just trying to make a joke. This is all new, I've never had a sister before. It's kinda...kinda nice." Ellie tucked herself under the blanket, gazing up at the ceiling lost in thought.
"Never had a sister before either."
"Then it's new to both of us. Explains why we are both being so fucking awkward about it. Don't lay down yet, the light's still on," Hannah murmured softly.
"Joel will get it," Ellie replied, a slight blush of embarrassment crossing her face at the childlike tone that she said those words in. "He always - tucks me in."
Hannah was silent for a minute, then Ellie heard a slightly damp sniff. "Must be nice," she said faintly.
Ellie elbowed her. "He's going to tuck you in too, silly. Keep the waterworks under control, geez. You're so emotional."
"I'm pregnant, Ellie," Hannah whined. "I don't have a control switch for the emotions anymore, baby has it's tiny little hand on the red button and is willing to use it at any moment it likes."
"Maybe you should be the mom in charge and tell it to give the controls back," Ellie laughed. She leaned forward a little, speaking toward the baby. "Hey, you little shit, give your mom control of her emotions back!"
Hannah slipped her hands over the bump protectively. "Don't you be calling my baby a little shit. It hasn't done anything to give you the right to call it names yet."
"It's controlling your emotions," Ellie replied flatly, rolling her eyes. "That's reason enough for me, because I have to deal with you."
Hannah opened her mouth to protest, but at that moment, there was a gentle knock on the door, and it swung inward, revealing Joel standing there, leaning on one hip. "Well, don't you two look snug as a bug in a rug. Everyone get everything put away?"
Ellie nodded and made a face at him, and he chuckled, making his way to the bed and adjusting the covers, tucking the blanket in around Ellie's shoulders. "Goodnight, kiddo. He patted her head, and she pretended to try to bite his hand. "No, no, velociraptors must sleep outside," he chided, reaching across her tucking in Hannah carefully. Ellie snorted, and elbowed Hannah again.
"Try telling that to her baby. It's controlling her emotions right now and won't give the control back."
"Sounds like a good leader," Joel said wisely, a crinkle of a smile at the corner of his eyes. "In charge already. That's gonna suck when it turns two, just saying. Goodnight, Hannah." He patted her hands, still laced over her stomach. "Goodnight, baby."
He turned back to Ellie, and looked down at her with a soft smile. She shook her head once, eyes wide, trying to tell him that she hadn't told Hannah yet. He sighed softly, and nodded, leaning forward to kiss her forehead, smirking at the surprise on her face. "Goodnight, girls. Will be right across the hall if you need anything."
"Goodnight Joel," they called after him and he threw up one hand in a farewell wave, pulling the door almost closed but not completely shut behind him.
It was silent for a few moments, the moonlight the only thing keeping the room from being in total darkness. "I didn't get a forehead kiss," Hannah said softly. "I wonder if he is still mad that I wanted to kill him."
Ellie sat up on one elbow. "Are you insane? That's just Joel being Joel. He doesn't know you super well, and you're pregnant and he doesn't do feelings so he is probably wanting you to not feel awkward and uncomfortable."
"Not getting a kiss makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable," Hannah snorted. Ellie rolled her eyes.
"I can call him back to finish the job," she offered sarcastically.
"That sounds like you are calling him back to fucking murder me. No thank you, never mind." Hannah rubbed her face wearily. "You're such an idiot."
"Well, you're stuck with this idiot. There's room on the couch if you prefer."
It felt good to argue with a peer again, Ellie thought to herself. So normal, so like Riley. They were silent for a few more minutes, then Ellie said softly, "Hannah, I have something to tell you."
"I know. You're pregnant."
Ellie blinked in the darkness, confused. "How - how did you know?"
"It was easy. The easy clues were the weird way you have acted all night, Tommy's complete awkwardness when he was around you, Joel's uncharacteristic overcareful tenderness toward you. I bet you forehead kisses aren't really a common occurrence, based on your face when he did it, so he was basically being a little more gentle tonight than he normally is. Typically he is all parent, making rules and orders and telling you to trust him because he knows what's best. Sound 'bout right?"
Ellie sighed. "Yeah. Yeah, that's about right. You fucking detective..."
"Man, I am good aren't I? Just call me Mrs. Sherlock and give me a pipe. Hey, seriously, though, don't worry. It's gonna suck but we fucking got this. David's a stupid fucker who doesn't deserve another thought. We're gonna be fine. We're gonna have the most chaotic kids in Jackson, though, because way too many people are gonna spoil them rotten."
"Tommy might, but I don't see Joel as someone who would spoil a kid," Ellie remarked.
"Eh, you might be surprised. Dad's do funny things when there's grandkids," Hannah replied, her voice fading slightly as she grew sleepy.
The idea of Joel as a dad and a grandfather made Ellie smile. It was such an odd thought, but she had to admit, Hannah was probably right. Joel could be a big softie when he decided to be.
The room fell silent again, and for a long time, Ellie listened to Hannah's breathing soften into a gentle snore. But she herself could not find sleep. She was terribly afraid, and the panic grew with every second that passed. She didn't know the first thing about pregnancy, or about birth - just a few things that FEDRA had taught but it had all seemed so clinical. They never discussed all the fucking emotions that went with it and all she could see in her mind's eye was her mother giving birth to her after getting bit. What if something horrible happened because of her immunity and her children would be born infected? What if the immunity only affected her and her kids would turn after birth or a few years down the road? What if they never got the chance to live at all because her body rejected them or infected them before they ever saw the light of day and they attacked her from the inside?
Her breathing began to come in short gasps, as images of Riley flitted through her imagination, beautiful Riley, slowly turning into something both horrifyingly beautiful and dangerous. Then Riley's face faded into a baby, mycelium snaking beneath the porcelain skin, eyes wild and crazy, attacking her from inside, pain surging through her, blood everywhere-
With a shriek, she rolled sideways and tumbled out of bed, landing on all fours, the world around her ringing, unable to hear her own screams or Hannah's frightened voice calling her name. She would hurt them. She would hurt fucking all of them. Her baby would restart the whole damn infection over again, biting people, biting Joel, or Tommy, or Maria. They would die and it would be all her fault, Jackson would fall apart, it would be a QZ all over again, with the burning pit of death and dust and dying, ruled by soldiers and FEDRA...
At some point, she was running. Running outside, not noticing the chill of the snow and the crisp night air, just the heat from the pit searing into her skin, lungs unable to breathe, sucking in air that was grimy with the floating ashes of people she used to know...
Joel stumbled out of his own bed, the shrieks of Ellie vividly ringing in his ears. He had finally fallen asleep, quickly for the first time in a long time, having taken comfort in the fact that Hannah and Ellie had each other and that things were somewhat normal again. It had been a misplaced comfort, however, as the screams that jerked him out of his own nightmare about Sarah sent adrenaline surging through him and he was immediately scrambling for his gun, his flashlight, and his boots.
Hannah reached Ellie's doorway at the same time that he barged out of his, and he grabbed her upper arm in one rough hand. His eyes were intense, face twisted in something akin to anger and worry, and vaguely threatening. For a half second, she saw the fragment of doubt. The fragment of mistrust that he really didn't know if she would hurt Ellie, or had hurt her. He really thought she was capable of hurting his kid to get to him.
The doubt should have stung more than it did, but all she could think of was Ellie's panic and she held up a hand to try to calm him.
"What. Happened." Joel asked, his voice low, tense, and frightening.
"I was asleep!" she exclaimed, shaking with the rush of fear and adrenaline, pulling against his grasp. His hand did not relent, however, and she gave up, standing there as a trembling mess. "Just - go after her, Joel. I was asleep, I woke up to her screaming, just like you did. I heard her running downstairs, but I don't know what happened after that!"
Joel's eyes bored into hers, and she could see the doubt. She knew of his reputation from what she had seen done to some of the men back in Silver Lake, and genuine fear began to send more violent tremors through her body. This could be it. In his fear for his daughter, he could kill her where she stood. She waited for the moment, but it did not come. After a few seconds of silence, he suddenly let go of her arm, and pushed past her, running down the stairs. Releasing a breath she had not realized she was holding, Hannah sank down to the floor, wall at her back, and let bitter, broken tears fall.
"Who the hell can that be?" Tommy grunted, rolling out of bed and reaching for his pants in the dark. Maria rolled over, blinking sleepily at him, rubbing her eyes.
"Tommy, what is it? What's wrong?"
"Someone was pounding at the door," Tommy replied, pulling on his jeans and pulling his jacket off a chair. "You stay here, I'll be back. Something must have gone wrong with the patrols or something." He glanced at the clock. "It's not even 11pm yet."
Maria threw off the covers and swung her legs over the edge of the bed. "Like hell I'm staying here without you. We're a team. Turn on the light."
Tommy pulled open his nightstand drawer and took out a pistol, checking the magazine. "Absolutely not. You take care of our kid." He nodded his head at her growing baby bump and strode from the room, flipping on the light switch as he passed it.
Maria shook her head, reaching for her robe and dressing quickly, and she reached the top of the stairs just as he pulled open the front door.
A sobbing mess of Ellie stumbled in, shaking with cold, speaking gibberish, and trying to push past him. "Woah, woah," Tommy exclaimed, hanging onto the doorknob with one hand and grabbing at Ellie with the other. "Ellie, baby, what the fuck. Hang on, just a minute, calm down and tell Uncle Tommy what happened." He glanced out into the clear, cold night, for anyone else, and seeing no one, he swung the door shut. "She's alone," he called up to Maria, who came down the stairs, worry etched on her face.
"Maria, Maria," Ellie managed to say, reaching for the woman, and Tommy let go of her, watching as she stumbled toward the woman who held out her arms welcomingly, and Ellie plowed into her, hanging on as if she were drowning.
"Ellie, Ellie, shhh, it's okay, it's okay" Maria brushed a hand across her head and hair softly, looking meaningfully at Tommy, who nodded once and pulled open the door, walking outside and shutting it softly behind him.
"Ellie, baby, calm down, come into the kitchen, come on, let's get you some hot chocolate, alright?" Maria cooed, hanging onto the girl who was awkwardly wrapped around her. "Come one, Ellie, you got to walk with me here, you are too big to pick up and carry."
Ellie did not seem to acknowledge her, the desperate whimpers sending chills through Maria, as she carefully half dragged the girl to the kitchen. "Ellie, baby, can you let go of me so I can look at you, are you hurt?"
Ellie nodded, gasping for breath against Maria's chest, and Maria pushed her away so she could look at her. "Where, Ellie, where?"
The girl let go of her with one hand, pointing to her chest, eyes squeezed shut, and then regained her two handed grasp on the woman. "Ellie, are you physically hurt or are you having a panic attack?"
Ellie held up two fingers to indicate the second choice and Maria nodded. "Alright, alright, come on, sit down. Breathe with me, alright?" She tugged at one of Ellie's hands and placed it on her own chest, so the distraught girl could match her own breathing.
In...Out. In...Out. In...Out.
When she seemed relatively calmer, and her death grip on Maria's robe released, Maria said softly, "Alright, Ellie, what did you come to tell me?"
"I-I can't have this baby," Ellie choked out, fresh tears coursing down her cheeks. "I can't, I can't, I just can't!"
"Shhh, shh, Ellie, why not?" Maria asked gently. "You're body can handle it. You are young, yes, but you'll be a good mom."
"It'll kill everyone," Ellie hiccupped, raising red, damp eyes to finally look at Maria. "What if it's infected, what if the Cordyceps infect it before it's born and it starts the whole fucking infection all over again!" She held out her scarred wrist to Maria, whose face paled, as she recognized the state of Ellie's wrist.
"Ellie..." she asked, her voice fading. "When did this happen?"
Tommy stepped outside, shutting the door behind him, and stepped out into the street. It was empty, as it should be, and he trudged toward Joel's house, at the other end of town. There were all kinds of ideas running through his head about what could be going on, but he couldn't think of any ideas that made any fucking sense. Ellie had been happy. She had been all over Hannah, getting her settled in, and didn't seem too ruffled about finding out she was pregnant. That should have been his first clue that things weren't alright. Ellie stressed out over everything unusual. And finding out the person who assaulted you left you with the responsibility of raising a child you neither asked for now wanted to be a part of creating had to be more traumatic than she had let on. Hell it was traumatic for him and Joel, it had to be a hundred times more traumatic for Ellie, and bottling those feelings up may have just created the perfect Molotov cocktail to erupt in the middle of the night. Maybe Joel had some answers. He did not have to go far before he saw Joel at the far end of the courtyard running toward him.
"Tommy, Tommy," he gasped as he reached Tommy, grabbing at his brother, trying to catch his breath. "It's Ellie - She must have - had a - nightmare. She ran - outside - without her coat - I - I got to find her."
"Joel, Joel, take a breath, big brother. She's with Maria. She's okay, she's at our house."
Joel's face relaxed a little as he took in what his brother was saying, bowing his head in relief before his brows furrowed again. "Wait, with Maria? She's not exactly her favorite person."
Tommy threw up his hands. "No damn idea why, either. She just pounded on the door and when I opened it, she ran right to Maria and grabbed onto her like she was drowning. Come on, Joel, let's go see what the hell is going on. It's gonna be alright, whatever it is. You'll get through it, she will too, somehow, eventually."
Joel nodded, and headed wordlessly toward Tommy's house, and his brother followed, one hand on Joel's shoulder.
Tommy pushed open his front door and when his eyes met the sight that greeted him, he immediately jumped to Maria's side. She was standing in the living room, gun drawn, pointing it at Ellie who was standing in the kitchen, hands in the air, exclaiming, "I'm not infected, Maria, ask Joel!"
"Woah, woah, woah," Tommy exclaimed once more, grabbing Maria's hands and swinging the gun upwards. "She's good, Maria, it's okay." He glanced at Joel, who had his gun in hand, but Tommy was grateful that he had not pointed it at Maria, obviously trusting Tommy to resolve the situation quickly.
Joel cast her a murderous glance, and moved to Ellie's side, tucking his gun in the back of his belt. "Baby girl, come here, come here." He held out his arms, pulling her shoulders toward him and she stumbled into him, burying her face in his jacket.
"Joel!" she whimpered against the cloth, voice muffled, and he rested his chin on top of her head, breathing a sigh of relief.
"It's okay, babygirl, it's okay. We all need to talk, alright, can you calm down a bit and we can talk about what is going through your head?"
She nodded, but did not relinquish her hold on him. Maria glared at Tommy and Joel, her face still taught with a mix of fear and anger.
"Have you two seen her fucking arm?"
"It's old," Joel replied wearily, understanding what had triggered Maria's defensive posture, and he swayed slightly from side to side to calm the girl in his arms who was still sobbing softly. "Talk to Tommy, Maria, he'll explain it."
Tommy nodded once at Joel, and steered his wife toward the kitchen. "Maria, why don't you put on some coffee and hot chocolate for Ellie and I will bring you up to date on everything, alright?"