Fifteen minutes later, a much calmer Maria set a cup of hot chocolate in front of Ellie, who sat next to Joel, face still burrowed into his chest. His hand was running absently up and down her back, while he stared at a spot on the surface of the coffee table. The sight of Maria holding a gun on Ellie just brought back all the fears he had about Ellie's immunity. It was a blessing for Ellie, but a definite curse. He couldn't be there all the time for her, couldn't protect her from anyone else who saw it.
"I wasn't going to shoot her," Maria said softly, sitting down in an armchair across from him.
He did not move, merely raised his eyes to look at her, face stoic and firm. "We will leave in the morning."
Tommy brought his coffee from the kitchen and held up a hand. "Hang on, no one is leaving. Joel, let's talk about this." He stood next to Maria, one hand on her shoulder.
Ellie had raised her head, and was looking up at Joel, lips trembling. "Joel, no, we can't leave, we just got here. Please, Joel, no!"
"I ain't gonna let anyone shoot you," Joel replied gruffly, looking down at her. He frowned at Maria. "Not everyone thinks before they shoot."
"Thank you for that," Maria said tightly. "Ellie, Tommy has told me what happened to you, and while it is fucking confusing, I have to believe it is true. That scar is definitely old. The question I have is this." Maria leaned forward, elbows on her knees, hands balancing the steaming cup in her fingers. "Before we get distracted by dealing with the bite mark, we need to talk about what the fuck is going on and why you are knocking on our door at 11pm."
Joel wrapped an arm tighter around Ellie at the tone Maria used and she shrugged. "Sorry. Ellie, please explain to us all what is going on."
Ellie pulled away from Joel, half turning to tuck in next to him, facing Tommy and Maria. "I - I came because I wanted to talk to you," she replied, glancing up at Maria. "I - I." Her face crumpled into tears and she squeezed her hands into fists and released them. "I'm scared, and I've never been fucking pregnant before, and I don't know what the fuck I am doing, how the fuck I am supposed to feel, I don't know!"
Maria nodded wisely, glancing at Joel. He looked like a fish out of water, the desperation to help Ellie clear in his eyes, but also mixed with a helpless sadness.
If Ellie chose Maria, then she would get Maria.
"Do you want Joel and Tommy to give us a minute?" Ellie looked up at them, from one to the other, her face desperately blank and unsure.
Joel cursed Tess once again, wishing she were there. Tess would have made it all easier. She would have had the words, stepped in where Joel couldn't. Now he had to rely on someone he truly didn't know and didn't trust. But he trusted Tommy, and if Tommy trusted Maria, then that had to be enough.
"No more guns," Joel grunted at Maria, eyebrows raised and she bowed her head slightly at him.
"Fair."
He nodded, looking down at Ellie. "Kiddo, Tommy and I are just going to give you and Maria all the time you need, alright?"
Ellie nodded, sniffling, her hold on his jacket relaxing, and she watched him as he carefully extricated himself from their cocoon of blankets on the couch and stood slowly, limping in place for a second before his hips and knees agreed to support his weight. "How was Hannah?" Ellie asked faintly. "I probably scared the shit out of her, screaming and running off like that."
Joel froze, having forgotten about Hannah, his eyes locking with Tommy's, and he swallowed hard. "She was a bit scared, kiddo, but she'll be fine. I'm going to go over there and let her know you are alright and see if she wants to come join us for hot chocolate, alright? Staying up a couple more hours can't hurt, okay?"
Ellie smiled weakly and nodded, willing to do anything to keep from going back to that bedroom, staring at the ceiling, while images of her infected baby played over and over and over.
Once he saw she was emotionally stable enough to leave, Joel made his way to the door, with Tommy on his heels.
As soon as the door shut behind them, Tommy grabbed Joel's jacket, but Joel pulled away, walking down the porch steps and into the street.
"Joel, please tell me you fucking made sure Hannah was alright before you bolted out of there."
"She was fine," Joel replied noncommittally, the vague memory of Hannah's shaking figure floating into his mind. Shit. He had screwed up big time.
Tommy looked at him oddly, then nodded. "Alright. You get back to her then, and I will come get you when Ellie is done talking to Maria, alright?"
"Alright," Joel replied, his voice rough with frustration. "Tommy, I'm not doing great at this whole taking care of kids thing."
"Noticed," Tommy replied dryly. "Just keep your fucking head screwed on, Joel, for fuck's sake. Maria and I got your back, we always have. You aren't doing this alone. I know shit happened the last few years and you and I didn't always see eye to eye. But that was then. This is now. We got two fucked up little girls who are facing things they should never have had to face at this stage of life. And Joel, out of all the people in the world, they both picked you to lean on, to look after them."
Joel shrugged, turning to walk toward home. "Well maybe they made the damn wrong choice."
"Joel," Tommy called after him. "That's not how it fucking works and you know it. Get it together, Joel. I know it hurts because they make you think about Sarah." Joel stopped walking, frozen, shoulders hunched, hands clenching at his side. "Joel, that wasn't on you. You both almost died that night, if you remember. You were just trying to get your kid to safety. And I happened to come along and save you, or you'd have been dead too, right there beside her in the ditch."
"Should have just let me die," Joel grunted, walking away. "Would have been better that way."
"Joel, you are so fucking hardheaded." Tommy threw up his hands. "Fine. Be all pity party and have a stick up your ass. But Joel, the fact is, those kids need you. Hell, they want you. And you owe it to them, Sarah would want you to look after them and do right by them, and you know it."
"I failed her!" Joel finally shouted, turning to look at Tommy, his face open and broken, tears tracking down his lined, weathered face. "I failed all of them! Sarah, Ellie, even Hannah! Ellie is fucking pregnant because I failed her, Tommy. I told you I was too fucking old to take her. I told you that I was too fucking deaf and slow. I told you. And look what happened."
"She chose you, Joel!" Tommy yelled back at him. "I was fucking there when she did! I went to your fucking house that morning, I took her to the fucking stables. I was going to fucking take her. But she chose you. In that moment, she knew what she was getting into and she. Fucking. Chose. You. Every single time, she will choose you. The planets rise and set with you in her eyes, can't you fucking see that?"
"I don't deserve her," Joel replied, his voice fractured and weeping. "I got her hurt, Tommy. My mistakes got her so hurt and it's killing me to see her so broken. And Hannah, poor Hannah, I scared that girl pretty badly earlier, I don't know if she will ever feel safe with me again, if she even did before. I - I thought she had hurt Ellie."
Tommy's face became serious and he crossed his arms. "Joel, what did you do?"
"It's not what I did," Joel muttered, shoving his hands in his pockets. "It's what I didn't do. All I could see was red, and Ellie was screaming and then she was gone and Hannah was standing there shaking, and I was so scared." Joel kicked at the ground. "I didn't comfort her, Tommy, I didn't fucking do anything except yell at her and - and I had her arm in my hand and she was so- scared of me -"
"You're rambling," Tommy noted, frowning at Joel. He sighed heavily, running a hand through his black hair. "Go to Hannah, Joel. Fix it, if you can. I will look after Ellie."
Joel nodded, his weathered face tired and grim, and he began walking toward home again, the heaviness in his heart not the least bit diminished by his confession of weakness and painful outburst to Tommy.
"You comfortable?" Maria asked, tucking Ellie into the blankets again on the couch. The girl nodded, pulling the blanket to her chin. "Good. Now suppose you start at the beginning, and let's see if we can't sort this out."
"I - I'm scared," Ellie began flatly. "The immunity. What if it's just for me. What if the cordyceps in me attacks the baby, or the baby attacks me or you guys, or something bad happens? What if I start the whole thing all over again?"
Maria shushed her, patting her knee. "Ellie, I really doubt all of that is going to happen. A mother's body protects the baby. We don't understand how this immunity works, but I can assure you, your body will protect that baby. It's made to do that."
"You promise?"
"Promise."
"How do you know?"
Maria shrugged. "That's human nature. The mother protects the child."
Ellie wiped at her nose and sniffed, her lips still trembling slightly. "I guess so. I sure fucking hope so. Maria, I didn't want this. I didn't want any of this shit."
"I know," the woman replied softly. "I know, Ellie. But you are strong, you are beautiful, and hey, this might be just what Joel needs to keep himself going. He hates what happened to you, Ellie. I know he does, we can all see it. And he blames himself. Any good father would. But that baby, once he sees it, and holds it, well, you might be surprised what that will do to a man right here." Maria tapped the area over her heart and smiled kindly. "He will be the most possessive, attached grandpa the world has ever seen."
"He will?" Ellie asked wetly, raising hopeful eyes to Maria. "You mean that?"
Maria's face softened. "I think you two need to have a talk about all this. No hiding emotions, both of you are fucking good at that. Just tell him how you feel, what you are afraid of, what you need from him. He would cross the entire universe for you, Ellie. You're lucky to have someone to care for you that deeply."
Ellie sighed and flopped sideways onto the couch, stretching out. "But then he's going to get all weird and quiet. And he looks sad when he does that."
"Better sad than clueless," Marie commented, sipping her coffee.
"Thought you were sure he was dangerous," Ellie commented, fiddling with a thread on the blanket. "You warned me before."
Maria nodded, gazing off into the distance. "He still can be dangerous, Ellie. He's had to do a lot of bad things to get by in this world. But don't you worry. He will take care of you, no matter what. But in light of your tumultuous entrance tonight, how can I help you, Ellie? What can I do for you to make you feel better?"
Ellie rolled over, facing her, and tucked her hands under her chin. "I have no idea what's happening to me, Maria. I thought maybe since you, you know, are pregnant too, that you could clue me in?"
"Of course," Maria nodded kindly, setting aside her cup and leaning forward, elbows on her knees, hands rubbing together in thought. "What do you want to know?"
Ellie sat up, leaning toward Maria. "Everything, leave nothing out. I don't want to be scared at every single thing that's happening. So throw it all at me."
Maria sighed kindly. "Alright, settle in, kiddo, this may take a while."
Joel entered his house in a small panic, taking the steps upstairs two at a time. "Hannah?" He reached the girl's bedroom and his heart dropped. "Shit." The drawers stood open, empty of all of Hannah's things, and her backpack that once hung next to Ellie's was gone. He turned and ran back down the hall, down the stairs, and out the door, running toward the barn. The only way she would get out of Jackson was to be at the gate when the patrollers came in, and ride out. The barn was dark when he entered, and he fumbled in the darkness to find a match to light the lantern. It cast a small glow, enough to see to move around in, and he held it high, looking around the stalls, carefully maneuvering around the piles of equipment, wood, and materials stored there for the new barn that they were building.
"Hannah?" He called softly, the soft snickering of the horses the only response. "Hannah, kid, I'm sorry, let's talk about this. It's not safe out there, and you'll get hurt. Please, Hannah, give me a chance to explain."
He walked the length of the barn, glancing in each stall, until he reached the back of the barn, then began making his way back toward the front. A slight scuffle in the back corner behind the wood caught his attention and he smiled slightly.
Gotcha.
He sank down onto a stack of lumber, sitting the lantern down on the floor and began to talk.
"Hannah, I had a little girl once, about twenty years ago. Yes, I used to be a lot younger. A lot less salt and pepper back then. Anyhow, she was just a couple years younger than you. She was killed the day of the outbreak, in Austin, Texas. Soldiers came across us trying to escape, and wouldn't take our word that we weren't infected. They were trying to contain the infection, so they thought, and the only way was to come in and kill everything that moved, because they assumed that non-infected would just be compliant and listen to orders. Guess they forgot that little thing called self preservation. Anyhow, she died there, in my arms, and I never forgave myself for not protecting her." His voice caught in his throat and he rubbed a hand absently across his knee.
"I, uh, I couldn't live with myself anymore, without her. My whole world was gone to shit, along with everyone else's. So I - I tried to shoot myself in the head. Didn't work. Flinched, ended up in a military hospital for a long time. Basically lost my compassion for humanity, became jaded to it all. I guess I didn't die that day, but something in me did. If I was going to have to survive in this hell of a world, it was going to be by shutting everything and everyone out. I guess that's why I killed your daddy. He came at us, and my mind immediately was right back there, with my little girl in my arms, staring down the barrel of a rifle with a spotlight in my face and my little girl was in danger. I've let it affect how I have treated you, and I'm sorry. I know you'd rather be anywhere but around me right now, especially after I treated you like I did earlier. I'm sorry for that too."
Slowly, the shadows shifted, and Hannah stepped out from behind the stack of materials, her face streaked with tears, backpack dangling from her fingers. "Joel," she said, voice trembling. He held out an arm and she quietly came to his side, letting him wrap her in a hug.
"So sorry, baby," he muttered into her hair, and a soft sob escaped her lips. "I know," he whispered, running a hand gently up and down her spine. "I know, kid."
"I thought you hated me," she said faintly, and he cupped a palm at the back of her neck, laying his cheek on top of her head.
"Far from it, Hannah, far from it. Life's just been so fucking messed up." His voice faded and she nodded. "I failed you, Hannah, and I am sorry."
"I know. I'm sorry for saying I hated you."
"Yeah," he replied, voice hoarse and tense. "I know you are. I know you meant it though, and you are entitled to those feelings. I'm sorry that David got to you before anyone could save you. But I'm here now, and I'm not going anywhere. Ellie - Ellie and I have been through shit together. We've lost people together, people we cared about. We've been through hell together, so I know that's a hard dynamic to fit into, but we both want you to. Ellie, she saved my life. And I will forever be grateful to her for that. She made me who I am now. But you, you saved something in here." He tenderly laid one of Hannah's hands over his heart. "You reminded me people have feelings. People hurt. Hannah I have spent the last two decades burying those feelings deeper and deeper until it became nothing. No feelings at all. But I see now that I was wrong."
"It's alright," Hannah said softly, pulling away, wringing her hands together nervously.
"No, it ain't," Joel replied firmly, laying a hand on her shoulder. "And I won't ever, ever do it again, alright?"
She nodded wordlessly, and he patted her shoulder. "Alright. Want to come over to Tommy's? We are having hot chocolate and coffee. Ellie's alright. She just had a bit of a nightmare and wanted to talk to Maria, so we figured we could just hang out over there till she was feeling better, if you wouldn't mind putting off running away until later?"
Hannah smiled slightly. "Alright. I can put it off a while longer."
"Thanks," Joel replied sincerely. "Come on, last one there's a-"
"Jackass," Hannah replied, laughing, jogging backwards, sticking out her tongue.
"Was gonna say the winner," he replied, eyebrows raised. "You better watch where you are going or you'll be the jackass falling on your ass."
Hannah laughed again, and promptly tripped backwards over a feeding trough. Joel chuckled, reaching a hand down to help her up as he walked past her.
"Told ya, you little shit. Who's the jackass now?"