You watch her crumble before you. But, you are so spaced, it does not quite register. You have been in such weird form all day long, ever since you saw that TV report.
Gradually her reaction registers with you and shocks you out of your funk. What in heaven's name was up with her? You had simply said you needed … Wait! What had you said?
Shit, Barnett, you moron, what had you said to her exactly? 'I've got to go, I can't stay here any longer.'
Your confused brain starts to analyze the situation. You get up and made your way as quickly as you can to the bathroom.
"Neela," you call as you open the door.
She does not answer. Kneeling on the floor beside the toilet bowl, there are tears streaming down your face.
"Neela honey, I'm sorry, that came out wrong. I didn't mean that. Of course I want to stay with you… Jesus… Neela… I'm sorry…" you say as you reach for her and pull her into a standing position. Then you hold her gently by the shoulders and say.
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to upset you. I do not want to leave you. I hope I never leave you."
The tears eventually subside. She hiccoughs and says…
"But you said…"
"I know what I said, I was just thinking out loud."
"But then you do want to leave?"
"That's not what I meant… its just…" You run your hands through your short cropped hair as you try to find the right words.
Now you see the anger flash in her almost black eyes. They only turn black when she's really angry.
"What did you mean then?" she spits.
You chew on your bottom lip and look deeply into those angry pools of black.
"Neela," you say earnestly, "I want to go to Haiti. I can't stand watching what's going on over there, any more. I…I want to help."
"Oh!" is her only response.
"They're saying Haiti is going to be a nation of amputees. The people there as so much worse off than I ever was. I just can't stand by and do nothing. Please Neela, don't be angry. I simply want to help."
You feel her relax. Then she puts her two beautiful hands up to her face and starts to cry again.
"God Ray, I was so worried about you today. I hate when you get into those moods."
"I know. I'm sorry."
"I never know how to react, what to say."
"I'm so sorry. It's just…"
"I know. I don't fully understand, but I know why you get like that."
"Its just certain things bring it all back. Right now, I just feel lucky, lucky to be as well and as strong as I am and lucky to have the support that I have. Most importantly of all, I fell blessed that I have you. And these people… I want to help… I… I… "
Your voice cracks and you feel the warm tears coursing down your face reflecting the tears streaming down her face.
"Jesus Neela, some of them have lost everything and everybody, and they're facing a lifetime as an amputee. Christ, how are they going to do it? I had the best of everything and I just about made it."
You turn and look at her.
"Do you know what I feel most of all?"
She shakes her head.
"I feel guilty."
"I understand…"
"You do?"
Just then the doorbell goes. The take-out has finally arrived.
"I…I'll go," she volunteers as she wipes away the tears. She goes to the sink and splashes her face then looks up at you beseechingly.
"How do I look?"
"Beautiful," you say with a lopsided grin as you bend to kiss her lightly on the forehead.
"Liar," she says shakily as she turns to leave the bathroom.
You turn to look at yourself in the mirror and realise that you look considerably worse than she did. You turn on the cold tap and wash your face vigorously. Your eyes burn.
Poor Neela, you really had not considered her at all. You had forgotten there were two of you now. Before you did anything both of you needed to talk. You had gotten so wrapped up in what was going on in Haiti and what you needed to do to feel better that you forgot about her completely. Forget feeling guilty about strangers. What about your fiancée? The fiancée, who had just come off a double shift because her colleague was in Haiti and she had to cover his shift.
You lean your burning forehead against the cool mirror. You asshole Barnett, Neela was doing her bit and what were you doing to support her, getting drunk and feeling sorry for yourself just because you feel guilty.
You look at yourself and say quite loudly, "You selfish bastard."
She puts her arms round your waist from behind and says, "I wouldn't go quite that far."
You had not heard her come back in.
"Yes, but I was being a tad inconsiderate." Turning, you pull her into a hug.
"Maybe just a tad," she says showing the measure between her index finger and thumb.
"I asked for that."
"All I can add is, thank God, the funk is over and I've got you back again."
"Please forgive me Neela, I'm sorry for getting so wrapped up in me."
She laughs and says.
"Actually, it's quite a relief to realize that I'm no longer the most self-absorbed person in the relationship."
You groan. There really is no response to that.
"Hey," she says, "lets eat before our food gets cold. I'm ravenous. We can talk better on a full stomach."
"Yeah, lets do that… … …
By the way…"
"Yeah?"
You look at her earnestly, "I really am sorry about earlier."
"Hey, there'll be days like this. C'mon" she says,
"Yeah. There'll be days like this," you sincerely hope, many more.
Many thanks for the enthusiastic reviews.
As you see this little tale has been inspired by recent global events. I think it's in keeping with ER canon. I'm undecided whether to end here or keep going. I will let the muses decide.