Tori's feet carried through the smaller groups of people, past the familiar and unfamiliar expressions. Some of them flashed past and she could see looks of surprise and bewilderment. Some weren't looking at her. Some heads were down and focused on the bright lights of their phones. They illuminated expressions that were unreadable at her speeds, with them aimed down. But she could guess. Could know that if the word had truly spread, it would soon be everywhere.
How come
Every time I try to outrun myself I
Can't move
Feeling like I'll never make it to the other side
Moments of the conversations with her managers pushed back into her mind:
'We need to get ahead of this. No one was on the bus but you and Trina, right?'
'That's right.'
'You're going on a break. Time away.'
'They'd hate me if they knew what I said.'
'What?'
'I said they'd hate me- my fans, if they knew what I said to her.'
'What you said-...This is about image. Look at you. Maybe if we sold you as an edgier star, someone with a sharper look and background. We can't have it get out that you were high. Starting fights with your sister. With your security. That you had been drunk enough to throw a microwave through your bus window-'
'I didn't throw it! It fell when-'
'Tori. What do you think the paparazzi will say? You think they'll take it easy on you? They have been waiting to break you of your glamorous image. Frothing at the goddamn mouth.'
Her managers had been right. They had been chomping at the bit and now she was paying for it. Get ahead of it. Go underground. She should have driven into the skid. Should have been more upfront. People would have believed her. She, at least, would have liked to think that people would have believed her. Her fans were diehards. That had been what she thought. But respect in this industry could be lost overnight. Heaven knows she lost respect in herself a while ago.
Tori could already see all the headlines the next day:
'POP-STAR TORI VEGA LIED TO FANS AND NEWS ALIKE: IN NEED OF REHAB AND THERAPY'
Or whatever click bait-y title they would go with. She could hear her managers scrambling to 'get ahead of this' once again. Telling others that they were lies or falsehoods. Things taken out of context. Hearsay. Heard from one person trying to slander her or her career. And there was truth in that. 'Moe' might have been jealous or vengeful or just filled with unbridled hate.
All the same, Tori had done what she had done. And a part of her was happy to take every punishment and jumped conclusion as a bullet to an already dying ego.
Choking
Can't breathe in so I just close my eyes
Broken
Try to rebuild but I'm so dead inside
Hollow
Nothing but a shell I ain't what I used to be
Swallow
Everything I've felt everything that's true to me
Shadows
Come into my room I can feel them follow me
Had no
Way to get to you, you was too far from me
Her phone was vibrating in her pocket. A series of calls. Strings of texts. Social media would have been muted so at least there was that. It would be filled with harsh words from her friends. She knew it. How could they not? Andre, Cat, Robbie, Jade…-God, Jade. She shook her head and blinked back tears. That name hurt the worst as she ran down familiar hallways. Why did it have to be Jade? Why did that woman make her heart feel this way?
Dumb former almost-friends and their hot, new grown-up selves. And her stupid, fucking gorgeous smirk.
Tori rounded a corner away from the space of the reunion and ran almost smack-dab into Sinjin. He was standing near a wall, his arms awkwardly at his sides, his back to Tori- but she could recognize that slumped posture, even if he had cut his hair.
Sinjin turned back to look at her with an expression of confusion and then immediate recognition. Behind was a man she also recognized. It was Burf of all people. His hair was shorter, much more styled. His choice of vest was over his button down much like it had been when they were in school, but now it was more modern- less like he was going to school in the seventies. He shared the same transition of expressions as Sinjin- first confusion and then his lips upturned into a smile and those bright white teeth shone.
"Hey Tori!" Burf's eyes were bright with enthusiasm as he reached across Sinjin to pull her into a hug.
"I don't have-!" Her words were cut off as he hugged her. It was quick and easy, but it still made her more nervous. She needed to get out of here. Away from the scene. Away from all of these people. She needed to get back home and figure out what to do after having, what was likely to be, a long, terrible cry.
"How have you been?" Burf asked, pulling away.
"Yeah, we didn't have much of a chance to catch up earlier," Sinjin added with his own smile.
"I'm…I'm sorry, guys. I'm actually in a hurry to get out of here-"
"Good job babe. Your hug scared her off!" Sinjin's voice seemed lighter than his words implied as he gave Burf's shoulder a flick.
"Wha-Babe?" Okay, what?
"Oh. Right! You weren't there for everything. It was a smaller deal," Sinjin moved his hand up and flashed a ring on his finger. There was a bit of a pause before Sinjin looked at Burf, "Show off yours too!"
"Oh, right!" They even talked the same. "Here!" Burf flashed a ring that matched Sinjin's.
If anything was going to pull her from the thoughts of her own fuckups it was the fact that two of them were married. Married. That was just more of an indicator that she had missed so much, but it also showed how unobservant she had been all along.
"Did you…-Wait, is this a recent thing? You guys together? Did I miss a bunch of stuff in high school?" She stammered out.
"No, no, no- we were well past high school when we started dating. It's been about…five years or so," Burt explained. He stepped closer and placed an arm around Sinjin with a familiar ease. "I might, I can't speak on the missing other things. But this one you're good on, Tori."
"You're looking really frazzled, Tori," Sinjin squinted and place his face a little too close to her's.
"I'm fine," She lied and reeled back a little. "Sorry…sorry," Tori quickly shook her head and tried to reorganize her thoughts into place. What was she doing here? She could catch back up with them after this. They hadn't seen anything yet. Maybe she'd have a window with them. Either way, her morbid curiosity of the situation would have to be satiated another time. "Listen guys- congrats. Really. You look very…very happy," Tori smiled as much as she could muster as her anxiety began to spike again, "But I have to leave. You have a nice night." Her feet began to carry away from them.
"Oh. Okay, have a nice night Tori! It was nice seeing you! Maybe we can get lunch sometime!" Burf called after her as she walked away.
That did not help. She hadn't seen him in years. Clearly hadn't kept in contact or in the loop with their lives. Yet he still wanted to hang out with her. There was a purity in that action that struck at her heart with a minor key that brought deep tears. Tears that stung the corners of her eyes and then began to spill. Over and over.
Tori didn't make it much further away from the two of them. She was now in the old hallways, around the corner from her old locker. There was a door to the outside that she hadn't come in, so maybe she could avoid the paparazzi again. But all of that would have to wait as the weight on her shoulders dropped and forced every dam holding back her emotions to cave, crumble and release.
And I'm falling
And I'm falling
And I'm falling
I'm falling
Hand against her mouth, she dropped to her knees and then began to cry. It was not coordinated- she had stumbled and tripped and just barely caught herself to throw onto the floor. Full on heaving with worry. She tried to tell herself almost immediately that people had it worse. That her life was nothing to cry about. But it was moot. The lifetime's worth of tears was unrelenting. As was the hatred she had for herself. Hatred for how she had treated Trina. The people who worked for her tour. For those smearing words.
And I'm falling
I'm falling
And I'm falling
I'm falling
'Get out of my way, asshole. You should find a new job tomorrow, because this one won't be here for you when you wake up.'
'I'll be fine. Give me another.'
'Not my real sister!'
'Mom cheated on Dad. You were the fucking result!'
It was a myriad of moments. A night full of fuck-ups and none of them could be put on anyone else but her. She tried to blame the substances, the alcohol and the…-honestly, she didn't even remember what she had been given. But as sobriety took back to her consciousness, she knew it was nothing but her own thoughts. Her own childish thoughts.
The image stamped above it all, the floating spectral fucking image that haunted that night was Trina's face as she screamed at her. The slack-jawed expression that took over her sorrow filled face as the words washed over her. There was nothing held back in that trailer. Tori had not just crossed the line. She had burned, spit and cursed at it before doing the same to Trina.
In a strange way, Tori hung on to those thoughts. She had cried days after and for days after that even. But this was the worst. This revelation combined with her own self-hatred and the build up of months of not being able to process-
"Vega!"
A familiar voice pulled her from her thoughts and her head whipped around to see Jade standing in the hallway entrance, breathing heavily, hair not so perfect anymore.
"Vega. What the hell is wrong with you?"
"J-Jade. I'm…I'm sorry. This wasn't supposed to come out like this-" Her voice hitched. Tears still fell. Her face was already red from crying, already burning with the burden of previous decisions. Surely Jade would not help.
Tori tried to stand slowly, but her leg slipped. It was at that moment she realized that when she was tripping to get down, she had snapped the heel of her shoe. Just. Great. Her arms flailed and grabbed one of the ends of a vending machine.
Jade was quick. She all but flew to grab Tori. Her arm ended up on Tori's waist, keeping her weight aloft, while the other helped Tori's grab onto the side of the machine. "Can't leave you alone for a second without you trying to die."
Much like with Sinjin, her world was muted, forgotten in an instance. Just for a brief breath, her eyes locked with Jade's and she stared into them. Fully. Like she was seeing the sunrise for the first time again.
But that stamped image wouldn't leave and Tori had to gulp down a mouthful of air to restart her brain. "Thank…Thank y-you, Jade. I'm okay."
"You sure?" She asked softly.
"Y-Yes. I need to-" Her words didn't finish, just hanging off as she pulled herself up. Jade's grip loosened as she stood and then dropped completely when Tori found her footing. It was awkward to stand on one heel but not the other, but she wasn't going to worry about that at the moment. Her body twisted slightly and she began to back away. "I'm sorry. Thank you for c-catching me, but I need to go."
"Why are you running like this, Vega? What is going on?" Jade's arms crossed over her chest and her eyebrow began to rise.
"I…I can't tell you." If Jade could live in moments without knowing what she did, Tori would give that to her. She wasn't going to break the news to her.
"What kind of fucking NDA shit is-...Vega. Tori," Oh, the way her name rolled off Jade's tongue. No, no, focus. Her emotions were just scattered right now. Thrown to the wind. She needed to focus! "You are running through the hallways of a high school. Your high school, but still. You have a broken heel. You are all but bleeding tears right now. You haven't stopped crying since I got here. What on earth is going on?"
Tori watched Jade. Looked at her. Really looked at her. Tried to see through the haze of her new attraction to her. No, it wasn't new. It was a new level. She would be hard pressed to deny how often she looked at Jade in high school with confused longing. All the same, she needed to look at the goth woman as a friend foremost.
"W-Why? Why are you helping me?" Tori could only ask first. Her voice felt so fragile.
Jade's expression didn't change, other than her eyes. They narrowed for a split second and then slowly widened. "You're being earnest, aren't you? Lord. Tori. Why wouldn't I help you?"
"H-Highschool. You were so…so s-standoffish with me."
"That's just…That's just me," She uncrossed her arms and gave a shrug. "It's how I've always communicated. Is that what's bugging you?"
"N-No. I've just…-I was thinking about that as I tried to think on how to t-tell you what I did."
Jade took a step forward. Tori didn't move, she just watched her.
"We're friends, Vega. Even if you don't want it," Jade assured her.
"Y-You…You some kind of mind reader?" Tori joked.
Jade smiled. "Hardly. If I was, Beck and I would have lasted longer."
Lasted. "O-Oh. I saw him t-talking to you-"
"Don't try to switch the subject. You ran. Full tilt out of the reunion. Are you going to tell me what's up?"
"I…" Maybe it was the torrent of emotions. The small sparks of joy in the past tense explaining their relationship. The elation from Jade's ease at calling them friends. The euphoria of those small moments with the others, easy like it used to be. The nostalgia from being in this hallway. No matter the reasoning, Tori closed and then opened her mouth and began to speak.
"I had the worst night of my life before I…I hid away-"
Song is "Outrun Myself" by Jack Kays (and oof, does that song make me feel things)