Chapter 9: Fresh start
His eyes fluttered open, he squeezed them shut a few times, adjusting to the light, before opening them fully. There were subdued gasps from all around the room, I saw Billy swallow back tears. Everyone leaned forward, straining their neck, in anticipation. He swept his eyes over his body, then to me, and back to Billy. When it was clear that he was completely conscious, Billy took Jacobs hand his own.
"Jake, how do you feel son?" He spoke slowly.
Jacob assessed each individual separately. They all took there silent moment with him, when it was through their bodies visibly loosened.
"Hey guys." He spoke softly to the pack.
Some mumbled 'heys' in response, others nodded condolences.
He took one last questioning look at me before he turned to Billy again.
"My he-, my he-….aahheem," he loudly cleared his throat, "my head hurts a little."
With Jacob, a little, meant a lot.
Instinctively, I scooted forward on my chair and ran my fingers up and down his forearm, trying to provide some comfort through my touch. It absolutely killed me to see Jake in such a state. It didn't help that I felt utterly useless; I had to sit idly by while my love, my fiancé, suffered enormous physical pain. The morphine would only last so long, burring off with is fiery temperature. And we could only give him so much; kidney failure was not something we needed to add to the list.
His lips pressed tight together and he gave me a very weak, very strained smile. The kind of smile you give a passer by on the street to keep from being rude. This smile, it confused me. My brow furrowed and I searched his eyes furiously to uncover what he was trying to tell me, what he didn't want the others to know. There was something he was trying to convey to me that I was not understanding. Not pain, physical or emotional, terror, stress, lust, or love. It looked like, like…distant, unfamiliar. I perched on the edge of my seat and leaned in closer, looking deeper. And then the spinning wheels in my head came to a violent halt. His gaze was empty, blank.
Jacob didn't know who I was.
The wind was quite literally knocked out of me as I struggled for air.
I could see my reflection in Jacob's dark eyes, they were void of emotion…only black mirrors. Not once have I ever met a gaze of this mans that wasn't full of absolute adoration. Although I was the stranger to him in this situation, I couldn't help but feel an unfamiliar foreignness as well. There was no electricity in the air, no tingle in my finger tips as my hand laid on his arm, just two strangers in a room. All of this confirming the horrific realization, that Jacob Black undoubtedly did not know me. The tears welled so fast in my eyes, they spilled over before I had the chance to blink them back. He shifted uncomfortably, but politely waited for me regain my composure- smiling sympathetically, while his eyes tightened trying figure out why this woman was so distraught. I glanced at Leah, her eyes were glazed, compassion covering her face. My heart was hammering at an unsteady pace, and I had to press my palm to my chest.
I sucked in deep breaths and gave him an apologetic smile as I got to my feet. This wasn't the place for a meltdown. As much pain as I was in right now, this moment was about Jacob. All eyes in the room were now fixed on the floor, the tension was tangible. I wiped my cheeks and brushed my hair from my face. Jake never said a word and patiently allowed me my time, I saw his eyes flicker to where the pack stood and back to me.
"I'm, I'm so sorry about that. Well, I'm glad to see that you are feeling better," I tried to sound detached as I patted his arm, "I'll just let myself out."
As soon as I reached the door, I took one last glance at Jacob Black and his family that surrounded him, I nodded once and left the room.
I made it as far as the door of my truck before I lost the last shred of composure I had been clinging to. I punched and kicked and yanked on everything I could, hot angry tears wet my face, the boiling fury inside me bubbled up and I let out a scream. And then I screamed again. My side mirror shattered under my foot, I stomped on it with all my might. When the shards of glass weren't small enough, I picked up a rock and dropped to my knees smashing the remaining pieces into the dirt. The fury raged on inside me, I took the rock and slammed it through my windshield. The sound of its shattering calmed the fury ever so slightly, so I scooped another rock and threw it into my driver side window. The fury wavered again. I proceeded to demolish any existing glass on my truck, including the rearview mirror that I ripped form its holding.
When I was done, I stood before the remnants of my truck, heaving ragged breaths, and crumbled to the ground amongst all the glass. I sobbed until my body shook and the drool ran onto my pants.
I just got him back, I just got him back, scrolled through my head like a mantra, I brought my knees to my chest and rocked back and forth.
Jacob healed wonderfully, and returned to every single person in that room, except for me. And selfishly I hated every one of them for it. Was I that insignificant to his brain that he couldn't drag me up from somewhere, not even a fleeting memory? Everything was gone now. Years and years of happy memories, months and months of heartache and pain, totally erased. I would be just a big gaping whole in the fabric of his life, and empty place. Would he feel the emptiness at least? Heartbreak I could handle, but how do you recover from having never existed.
And then like a freight train it hit me, Edwards parting words… It will be as it I never existed. What a cruel, cruel twist. For a moment the crying stopped and I took in the magnitude of the irony. My worst fear was that Jake would imprint, that someday, I would have to release him into the arms of another woman who would never be worthy. But I knew from watching Leah's heartbreak and Sam's agony, that a part of him has and always will love her. That would be a blessing compared to what I am left with now. I remembered thinking about one day being able to fully erase all of the pain I had caused Jacob, I never dreamed that I would disappear along with it.
I heard the click of the front door, I lifted my head to see Sam standing on the porch with his hand shoved in his pockets. He looked nervous, he looked sad. His lips popped open to say something, then he gave and exasperated sigh and trained his eyes on the ground. He looked as defeated as I felt, with his shoulders slumped forward, head hung low.
"Bella," he shook head, his eyes still cast down, "I-I, don't know what to say. I'm so sorry. You know, a lot of times with head injuries, this sort of thing…amnesia, is just temporary." He peeked up at me, not even convinced with his own statement.
I blinked.
At my silence, he straightened himself out and stood tall.
"Just know, we are all here for you. You are apart of our family now. What Jake said to you…on those cliffs…well, it still counts. We will do whatever it takes to make this right again."
Without waiting for my response, he turned on his heel and went back into the house.
The words hardly registered. I barely even noticed he was speaking. It seemed like background noise to the screaming that was octaves higher in my head. I felt completely numb.
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I'm not sure how long I sat there. I'm not sure what day it is. I couldn't tell you what time I fell asleep, or how I made it home. But as I lay in my bed, and watch through the window the leaves dance in the quiet wind, I know nothing will ever be the same. This hurt is the kind that causes physical pain. Wrenching and aching, I pinched the bridge of my nose, my head pounded. Even the molecules of air that circled around me felt thick and suffocating. The morning sun that poured into my room appeared dingy, almost brown. In the instant I became void from Jacobs life, everything changed. However, after the emotional spiral that I had suffered, and ultimately overcome, I was firm believer that everything in the life has its purpose. Everything happens for a reason. Experience had taught me that wallowing in self-pitty would do very little to improve my situation. This time will be different. I'm a fighter now, and there is something to be said for self-preservation. I will marry Jacob Black. I love him. He loves me too, only now he doesn't know it.
At this realization I sat bone straight in my bed. I felt as thought someone had pushed rewind, putting us back at the starting gate. When I moved to Forks Jacob and I had a past, a childhood full of memories, something tying us together. It is almost a natural reaction to evoke feeling for someone with whom you have a past. We no longer have a past. Only a hollow and uncertain future. All his years of pinning for me, begging, waiting, pursuing, and my unwavering rejections (until recently), will all have been in vain. I felt foolish, I no longer had my soapbox to stand on top of. It was an even playing field now. The soft shimmer from my left hand caught my eye…maybe not so even.
First thing was first, I needed to shower and eat, regroup, then call Billy for an update of Jakes condition.
I didn't bother to let the water heat to a comfortable temperature before stepping in. With my new agenda I suddenly felt rushed, not a moment to spare. My bathroom routine took me much less time than usual, and I spent the next twenty minutes deciding what to wear. There were three options displayed on my bed, I paced in my towel reviewing the pros and cons of each. I had never put my thought or effort into my attire when I was around Jake. He had seen me at my worst, and once you go there with someone, from that point on anything is an improvement. My heart felt heavy in my chest, instantly tears came cascading down my face. The moments that I held most precious between him and I was gone now. Yes, I had seen better days with Jacob, but it was the days that were raw and full of honest emotion, the kind that rips you open and exposes you for who you really are-those were moments that I held most dear. So now, when our eyes meet, and mine are full of trust and love, he will wonder why.
My cell phone vibrated and snaked along my dresser, and I walked glumly over to answer it.
"Hello?"
"Hey Bells." I deep voice on the others ended sent my heart into hyper drive.
"Jake!" I squeaked.
"Um, no honey, it's me." Charlie answered quietly.
My heart plummeted with a thud to the floor taking my stomach along with it. I flung myself on the bed and balanced the phone between my ear and shoulder.
"Hey dad, how are you?" I asked, considerably less enthusiastic.
Then I remembered Charlie was unaware I had impulsively driven from Seattle to see Jake. Like a shot I flew out of bed and into the hallway, poking my head in his room, and then listening for movement downstairs. I didn't hear anything, so it was safe to assume he wasn't home. He would know soon enough I was here, but I didn't feel up for explaining it at the moment.
"Well, I'm ok, but I was actually calling to see how you were holding up?" He asked.
Holding up? That was a strange choice of words. I racked my brain for something I may have told Charlie that would leave with the impression that I may be upset.
"I'm, uh, hangin' in there dad…?" The statement left my mouth sounding like a question.
"Good for you Bells. You just need to be strong baby, I know you will pull through this." He encouraged.
Now I was really nervous. But as I rummaged through our recent conversations I was still coming up short. I decided to continue to play along until he dangled some more bait.
"Ya, it's hard. But I'm doing my best. I'm sure I'll pull through."
"Well you certainly did your best on your truck!" He chuckled lightly.
"How did you know about my truck!" I asked flustered, sitting up straight.
"Well, I got a good look at it when I picked you up last night…got a good look at Jake too…poor kid."
"But how did you-where did-when did you??"
There was brief pause. There was shuffling on the other end, then I heard the phone return to his ear again. He spoke in a hushed tone.
"Bells…you sound confused…are you sure you're ok?" He asked concerned.
His confusion only told me how detached I must I have been. Clearly he had been the one to bring me here last night, and he was obviously aware of Jakes current condition. I was suddenly nervous for things I may have said or done in his presence.
"I just, well, I didn't tell you I was here, and so I don't, um… and then I can't remember very much of last night, actually I don't remember anything after destroying my truck…" I sheepishly confessed.
There was a longer pause this time and he pieced everything I said together.
"Oh, I see. Well, Billy called me as soon as you showed up, he told me it looked like the type of visit I may not be privy to, so he wanted me to know you were there and safe. When he told me he thought you and Jake were going to work things out, I figured I'd give you your privacy…" His tone became somber, " but when I got in that morning and heard your message to come get you, I called and Billy said all was well, and you guys all went cliff diving…"his voice trailing at the end.
"Oh." Was all I could say.
"Sam called me at the station, told me what happened…and about you." He quietly added.
Other than the quiet buzz of the static through the lines, we were silent.
My memory of the previous day came rushing back to me in tidal waves. I remembered the hike, and the smell of the dust we were all kicking up, the way my muscles ached but in a good way. The wistful screams of the others as they plunged to the water below. Jake on his knee…my answer, "Yes"...our embrace. I could feel our fingers intertwining as we scooted closer to the edge. I began to mindlessly twist my ring in circles around my finger as thought of these things. Then I remembered the red tint of the water surrounding Jake, and Billy's face as Sam barreled through the door holding Jake in his arms…
"Dad...listen, I've gotta go. I need to check on Jacob. I love you."
"Ok Bells, love you too."
I waited to hear his line disconnect before I shut my phone. I breathed until my nerves settled, and I then I dialed Billy's number my memory. The phone rang continuously, just as I was going to give up, an out of breath Billy answered.
"H-hello?" He asked panting.
"Billy! It's Bella is everything ok?!" I panicked.
What if he had gotten worse over night? What if he had slipped back into his coma?. What if they were trying to resuscitate him and I interrupted them!? My raced frantically through all the worst possibilities. Oh God no. He had to be ok, he needed to be ok, I needed him to be ok. I wasn't ready for this to be it.
Then drowning out my own thoughts, I could hear loud laughter and lots of talking.
"Yes, yes, everything's great. Jake is doing great, he actually got out of bed a little bit ago and is having breakfast with everyone." He sounded as though the weight of the world had been lifted from his shoulders.
I could empathize completely. Jake was going to be ok, I was ecstatic. My heart ballooned with joy, and I couldn't help but smile. The light pouring in through my window regained it's cheery color, the air around me felt light, and the birds even seemed to sing a sweeter I was brought forcefully back to reality when I realized he said they were all having breakfast, everyone except me.
"That's wonderful Billy, I'm so relieved…" I hesitated, "he didn't, um…well did happen to mention…"
Although I knew his answer, I waited nervously for his reply. I heard him let out a deep sigh.
"No Bella, I'm sorry. He hasn't said anything about you yet."
I covered the mouth piece of the phone, and silently sobbed. I had to allow the wave of emotion to fully wash over me before I could speak again.
"Ok, well, I guess I'll jus-…"
"Bella, you know what? Why don't you come down here and join us?" He interjected.
"Thanks Billy, that would be great. I'll see you soon."
I've known Jacob Black almost my entire life. Hundreds of hours have been spent locked up in his garage, dozens of days lounging around his house, even some nights spent. After all that, I for the first time, will be a guest at the Black household.
A/N: And now Bella begins her new quest to win Jacobs heart. For all of you who feel everything was too easy for her, this is for you! Hopefully you understand that I couldn't spend too much time on Jacobs recovery, because that's not what the story is about, I needed to move through it so the story could continue. Please Please Please review!!! Anyone who reads this and has and opinion, please share it with me! Thank you.