A/N:
Okay here we go. I hope this is a little longer. I'm still getting back into the swing of things so I hope I didn't disappoint. Let me know!
Chapter….uh what chapter am I on?? haha
Love is an incredible thing. Truly incredible. Although at times you can wrap yourself in its warmth and security, like your favorite blanket, it is not tangible. It has the ability to completely crush you and shatter reality as you know it, but it is not vindictive. And in your greatest moments of despair, when the effort to suck air into your lungs to continue to breath for the pursuit of life; is almost too much…it is there. It is always there…and it is why I am here.
The Black house was at full capacity with everyone from the pack (their respective imprints) and their families, other members of the reservation, and um, me. The atmosphere surrounding me was joyous and light. Laughter bounced off the pale walls trapping me in a celebration that I was not apart of. I pretended not to see the sympathetic nods of the entering guests and averted my eyes to the floor. Sue Clearwater had become a permanent fixture around Jakes arm holding him with a mother's affection, and I had to fight back the jealousy that was taking up residence inside me. Just then she leaned in and placed a small kiss to his cheek, immediately rubbing her thumb over lipstick residue. A sharp pain attacked my side and I had to take deep breaths in and out in order to maintain my composure. The last thing anyone here needed was to bear witness to another one of my melt downs. But this was almost too much, my heart was breaking and surrounded by all these people I have never felt so incredibly lonely. The only person on this God forsaken planet that could mend that was 20 feet away, with absolutely no idea who I was.
I'm not sure where I fit in here. Yesterday I was Jacob's fiancé and Billy's soon to be daughter-in-law, and damn happy about it I might add. Today…not so much.
My eyes were trained on Jakes back while he accepted words of reassurance and praise from friends and neighbors in the other room. I sat pensively on the edge of their tattered couch while nervously picking at my food. Eating was the farthest thing from my mind, I only took the plate of food Emily had practically thrown at me to be polite. The styrofoam squeaked from my lap as my nails dug into the edges.
"So, Bella," Quil turned to me, effectively breaking the silence in the living room where I sat with the other members of the pack, " Jake mentioned earlier that he really wanted to get outta here and have some fun and um.." he paused briefly to meet the eyes of the others, silently asking their permission to continue. I shifted my torso and watched everyone reactions as well, trying to figure out what had them so nervous. Quil turned to face me again and I nodded my head inviting him to go on.
"Yea well, he said he wanted to go to some new bar in Seattle that Paul mentioned. Anyway, we're all going and it'll be fun…drinking and dancing and whatever…but you should come." He spoke the last words quickly and then plastered a wide smile on his face. I'm sure it was meant to be reassuring but there was no way in hell I was putting myself in that situation.
I had everyone's attention while I mentally worked through what they were asking of me. How would and they explain my presence? What if he didn't enjoy my company? God, what if he meets someone else, and I'm forced to sit idly by and watch it unfold? But I wanted to be wherever he was, I didn't give a shit where that was. Before I could answer Billy cleared his throat loudly.
" Can everyone make their way into the dining area." He waved his hands over his head herding us from afar. I set my plate down and smoothed my clothes out allowing the others to file ahead of me. The sea of brown was blocking my view into the kitchen and I bobbed my head back and forth trying to find a gap between the smushed bodies. Paul, Embry and Seth began to talk amongst themselves while the last of the guests made their way in. I gave up on trying to find a chink in the wall and plopped back down on the couch.
"Uh," I heard Jakes nervous laughter break above the chatter. My heart rate spiked immediately, "I'm not real good at make grand speeches or anything," whoops and hollers of encouragement broke out from the crowd. I smiled down into my lap imagining his perfect smile in my head, knowing how embarrassed he probably was right now. Once the room was quiet and the laughter subsided he continued.
" I'm a lucky guy, going through what I did and now standing here in front of you,"
Some soft affirmations could be heard from the group, " and I just wanted to thank all of you for sticking by my side. But I know that there are things that I don't remember but uh, unfortunately I didn't forget any of you ugly assholes," I assumed he was referring to the pack by the loud laughter coming specifically from them. I could help but giggle to myself. God bless him for keeping it light for everyone else.
"…but seriously, just everyone hang in there while I get through the fog." My eyes immediately blurred with tears at his statement. It was a wretched feeling to not be able to wrap my arms around his warm body and comfort him. To tell him I would "hang in there" forever with him.
I felt useless and hollow. Jake was my purpose in life, my reason for everything, and now I felt lost. As if I was the one in the fog. I wrapped the sleeves of my sweater around my fist and wiped my eyes in silence. While I was busy having my moment I caught only the end of his next statement.
"…so I assume if there isn't a wife somewhere out there that someone forgot to mention I think I'll be okay." You could literally hear the hum of the refrigerator and nothing blared loudly in the defining silence. I squeezed my eyes shut trying to ignore the heat of the eyes I felt on my back. I bounced my knee furiously up and down while I fought for control of my breathing. He doesn't know he doesn't know he doesn't know… Scrolling through my head. Billy spoke up before preventing the situation from becoming to awkward.
"Well don't worry son you're safe there, I promise." Billy laughed and everyone began to quietly talk amongst themselves assuming the presentation was over. I opened my eyes to find Quil, Embry, Sam, Pail, and Seth facing me with sympathy etched into their expressions. My eyes darted to each of theirs making it very clear that we were not about to address what just happened. Paul pinched the bridge of nose.
"Bella, I really think you should come. If nothing else, for the fact that you want to be around when ever abso-fucking-lutely possible so you don't miss anything." His face was hard daring me to argue with him. And I knew what he meant, he wanted me there in case Jake had some epiphany or moment where it all came rushing back to him. However unlikely it was, deep down I wanted it too.
I nodded my head smiling, "Okay guys, let's do it." The tension visibly leaving their shoulders as they beamed back at me. It was really nice how they were all rooting for me, standing behind me, I guess this is how it feels to be a member of the pack.
"So what time?" I asked while pushing my hair behind my shoulders.
"Just meet us there at 7 and Ill text you directions later." Paul answered.
"Yea and feel free to bring a lady friend," Seth winked at me.
The others rolled their eyes and I just laughed, "Okay I'll see what I can do. " Breaking eye contact while I began to search for my purse. If I was really going to go through with this tonight I needed some time to myself first. I lifted my purse from beside the couch throwing it over my shoulder. I slapped my thighs lightly and gave the guys a small wave.
"So I guess I'll just see you all later then." They waved and I turned to make my way for the door. Remembering I hadn't said goodbye to Billy I swiftly turned on my heel and slammed hard in someone side. I smacked my hand to my forehead rubbing the spot where I had made contact with their shoulder.
"I'm sorry I didn't even see you th-.." I stopped short realizing the arm belonged to Jacob. His lips were pressed together giving me that damn polite smile again. His eyes were pensive almost fearful. It was obvious he recognized me, just not in the context I was hoping for.
"No, it's no problem. You're Charlie's daughter, uh, Isabelle??" He rubbed his hand across the back of his neck, peeking at me through his lashes.
"Um, yea, but it's Isabella..." I swallowed thickly, "...please just call me Bella." I shifted my feet noticing that Quil and Embry for the first time standing behind Jake. They were staring as though they had witnessed a car accident, with wide eyes, hoping to catch a glimpse of the dead body.
"Okay, well Bella, thanks for coming today, it was nice to meet you." His words were rushed and his body already angled away from me in an attempt to leave. I panicked at his gesture; something about him turning away from me terrified me. I scrambled to say something, anything, to make him stay, to hear his voice, to watch his mouth move…
I reached out and grabbed his shoulder, "I'll see you tonight!" I nearly shouted at him.
I drew in a sharp breath at my sudden outburst and my free hand flew to my mouth. Jake flicked his eyes down to my hand that remained planted to his shoulder. I followed his eyes and quickly snapped it back and held with my other hand, punishing it. I squeaked at my ridiculous display. His eyes widened, eyebrows nearly grazing his hairline, an amused smirk dancing on his lips. Jake turned his body fully facing me; I took a tentative step back. His large form stood before me, intimidating me with his unexpected mood change.
"Well, I look forward to seeing you again… Bella," I watched his tongue come into view as he drew my name out almost breaking it into two syllables.
Wait, was he…flirting with me.? I had to get out of here. My fiancé was making a pass at me, leaving me at a loss for words, great first impression. Wait, first impression? Fuck it, this is too confusing. I bit down on my lip and nodded not meeting his eyes again as I turned to walk out the door. My hand grasped the cold brass of the door knob and yanked hard, it didn't budge. Grunting I pulled and again harder, causing my teeth to clack. My eyes watered from embarrassment and my limbs began to quiver as I tried desperately to free the wooden door from its hold. This isn't happening. His bronze arm snaked around my waist slowly and his large hand covered mine gripping the handle. I'd know that arm anywhere, and I reveled it the warmth he radiated. God I missed him. I froze at his contact and heard Jake chuckle while his hot breath could be felt along my neck.
"Don't worry…it's happens to the best of us." He whispered deeply. I hadn't realized exactly how close he was and jumped slightly when I felt his lips touch the shell of my ear. In one swift movement he had the door open before me leaving me without an opportunity to respond. Not that I was able to form a coherent sentence as it was. And just like that, I was cold again.
I was still shaking as I started my truck. A mile and half later I roughly drove off the road and threw it into park. I clenched the steering wheel, my elbows locked, pushing my body as far back into the seat as possible-desperately trying to breathe. Cars whizzed by me, some honked, the sounds barely registering and I held my own stare in the rearview mirror. The frenzied person looking back at me was almost unrecognizable.
I could have been anyone, I was anyone, he has no idea who I am and he was shamelessly flirting with me, just anyone. A pretty face in the crowd…a clumsy, shy, damsel in distress. And he came to my rescue. I felt sick. My head and my heart were warring with one another. I unlocked my elbows and let my head rest against the cool plastic of the steering wheel between my hands. The possessive part of me , the part that knew Jacob was mine, was insanely jealous and a little angry that he was putting himself out there so freely. The other part of me, that was aware he was still "fighting through the fog", tried to be indifferent about the situation and chalk it up to mere attraction. Yea that's it. We're both able bodied, attractive adults. Harmless flirting, nothing wrong with that. Whatever worked, I had to justify this somehow -or I'd never get through tonight, let along this ordeal in itself. I sat up and swallowed back the saliva that was pooling in my mouth, smoothed my hair back I put the truck in drive and headed for home.
The long shower helped. I cried and shaved my legs, and then cried some more while I washed my hair. The water turned cold and I no longer felt like crying. I stood now with the towel tucked firmly around me and stared into the daunting depths of my closet. A small puddle formed around my feet as the minutes ticked by. Jeans, shorts, dress, capris…jeans, shorts, dress, capris. I scanned from left to right inspired by nothing I was seeing. I hated giving a shit. Giving up I stomped to my bed and opened my phone. I needed help.
Bar… maybe dancing, definitely to drinking, trying to impress….what do I wear? Oh..and ur coming :) Be there at 6:30… Bella
Audrey was a girl I had met in school and had fallen completely in love with. She was perfect in every way, and I couldn't imagine my life without her friendship now. I loved how we connected without even trying, and she knew what was best for me even when I wasn't so sure. Audrey was also Native American, her tribe was somewhere in North Dakota, and was stunningly beautiful. The kind of beautiful that she woke up with at 5 am and I spent hours trying to create. The best part was that she could have cared less. And she was deep. With the whirlwind of events since I had come home, not to mention my mental state, I had yet to fill her in on anything. The last she knew I was coming home to confess my love to my childhood friend. I wished now that I had taken the time to do that, because her point of view was exactly what I needed. Everyone needed an Audrey in their life.
My phone buzzed in my hand, I smiled reading her response.
Black dress, nude heels, hair down…See you then. Luv ya! Audz
I hoped up off my bed feeling more confident having a sense of direction. My current state of vanity helped to keep my jumbled thoughts at bay. I meticulously applied my makeup and took extra care to lotion parts of my body that weren't going to be touched anyway. For some reason the slower I zipped up my strapless dress the better it seemed to fit. I'm going crazy.
I hopped in circles trying to force my foot into my stiff heel when I heard my phone buzz. With one final shove my foot slid into the shoe and I stood blowing the hair from my face.
Bella. The bar is called The Boiler Room. Quils a dumb ass and can't figure out how to explain directions. So u better Google it. Hope ur still comin. Paul-
I'll be there. Pickin up a friend first.
About 45 minutes later I pulled up in front of Audrey's and honked. She came bouncing down her driveway looking perfect as usual. I waved and unlocked the door as she hoped in smiling. I loved her appreciation of her heritage, as I noticed her fingers adorned in turquoise.
"Mama!" She beamed and pulled me into a tight hug. I didn't mind her little pet name for me. I'm not even sure where it came from but it still didn't bother me. I felt comforted in her hug and held it a second longer than normal.
"Hi," I breathed pulling away. As soon as our eyes met I watched her squint at me as she cocked her head to the side her long hair fanning to the side. She knew something was off.
"Okay, tell me everything." Audrey shifted her body in the seat so her back was against the window. I took in a deep breath and pulled the car away from the curb. Once she understood everything she would be able to help me make it through tonight…and beyond.
I promise next chapter tomorrow…I didn't want to make this too much of a cliffy so I apologize if you feel cheated. Any suggestions for the night at the bar?? Audrey… I thought Bella needed a solid girlfriend. Something I have recently learned as well….as always, let me know!!