Brinna was annoyed from the moment she stepped out of her bunk the next morning. She had tossed and turned all night long, her mind refusing to allow her any respite from jumbled thoughts of her feelings for Carth, her continuing surprise over Bastila's encounter with her mother, her concern for Canderous, and her worry over the poor reunion she had witnessed between Mission and Griff. Finally, after mulling everything over for hours, she had decided to do what she could to get past Canderous's reticence to speak of his encounter with Jagi, prod Bastila toward returning the holocron to her mother, and pay a little visit to Griff in the Czerka office in the hopes that she might be able to do something for Mission. As for her feelings for Carth, she chose to gloss over the fact that she had not yet decided what to do.
She decided that the first order of business that day would be to seek out Griff. Listening to him speak to her about his "business" proposal was about the last thing in the galaxy she wanted to do but if it might help her somehow reconcile Griff and Mission, she would do it. Brinna had come to love Mission like a sister and there was nothing she wouldn't do for the Twi'lek. It was obvious to her that Mission still loved her brother and so Brinna felt that no sacrifice on her part would be too great if it would mean getting Griff out of trouble and back in Mission's life.
After the visit with Griff, it would be time to head for the krayt dragon's cave. Because of this, she had chosen to take Bastila along with her and Carth. She was reluctant to proceed without Canderous's muscle but it didn't seem right to deny Bastila the chance to recover the holocron on her own. Brinna knew how much it meant to the other Jedi and she didn't need their bond to sense it. Besides that, it might be best to leave Canderous to brood for a while yet. A distracted comrade would not be much help in a battle against a beast as formidable as the krayt dragon had a reputation for being.
The common room was deserted and Brinna lingered in there only long enough to grab a quick breakfast before she headed for the cockpit in search of Carth. She could sense Bastila's presence in there as well. She sensed that the other Jedi were in the sick bay but she had no idea where any of the other crew members were. The ship was very quiet and Brinna felt that the stresses of the previous weeks coupled with the troubling encounters that everyone had had lately had dealt a pretty serious blow to morale.
We need to get this thing done as quickly as possible, she thought grimly. This quest was becoming more and more personal for her. Saving the galaxy was certainly a noble and lofty goal and Brinna was not taking lightly the fact that millions of lives could be at stake. However, they were faceless millions. It was the struggles of her crewmates that put a personal face on her mission and she had grown determined to see it through to a successful completion—not just to stop Malak, but also to try to restore harmony to the lives of her crew.
"Good morning," Bastila greeted Brinna the moment she crossed the threshold.
Carth shook his head as he turned toward Brinna. "If I'd had a handy bond like that with my troops, I could have saved myself a lot of trouble." The words were light enough but Brinna could sense an undercurrent in them that told her Carth would not be pleased if anyone could keep as close tabs on him as Bastila and Brinna could keep on one another. Brinna couldn't blame him for it. She rather wished it wasn't possible for her either.
"Do not wish for things that might prove more a curse than a gift," Bastila said.
"Gee, thanks a lot," Brinna said sarcastically. She didn't know why but the words stung much more than she would have imagined.
Instantly, she could feel a strange mixture of regret and something else coming from Bastila. What the other emotion was, Brinna couldn't say and it was gone before she could really attempt to probe it further.
"I meant you no offense," Bastila said quietly. "I merely meant that it is not necessarily a good thing to be so closely bound to another. It tends to rob one of one's privacy."
"It's okay," Brinna sighed. She was still smarting but she agreed with what Bastila had said. How many times had she herself wished to regain her privacy, to be free of the bond that she and Bastila shared?
"On our way through Anchorhead, I want to stop and talk to Griff. I can only imagine what sort of proposition he has for me but I can't leave here without trying to do what I can to reconcile him with Mission," Brinna continued, rolling her eyes. She had decided to let sleeping kath hounds lie with regard to Bastila. Now was not the time to get into any sort of discussion about their bond and its many irksome qualities.
"I think that's a good idea," Carth said, smiling at Brinna. She felt a bit weak in the knees.
"Very well," Bastila responded, nodding curtly. Her lips were compressed in a thin line but Brinna knew that it was not because she disagreed with Brinna's proposal. The dread Bastila was feeling was nearly rolling off her in waves and Brinna felt suddenly very guilty for prolonging the suspense for the other Jedi.
Before she could open her mouth to speak, she could feel Bastila reaching out to her via their bond. Bastila felt that Brinna was doing the right thing by seeking out Griff on Mission's behalf and she felt no resentment toward Brinna for postponing their trip to the krayt dragon caves because of it. The krayt dragon would be waiting and dangerous no matter when they headed for its lair. Brinna smiled slightly and nodded at her Jedi companion.
Their progress through Anchorhead was quick and the woman in the Czerka office was quite pleased with the gaffi sticks Brinna turned over to her. Brinna felt slightly queasy at the look on the woman's face as she accepted the chieftain's gaffi. While the Sand People were not exactly Brinna's favorite creatures in the galaxy, it disturbed her to think that the Czerka would endorse the wholesale annihilation of a Sand People village without trying to find any sort of diplomatic solution to the problem. But, then, considering what she'd seen on Kashyyyk, this attitude should hardly have surprised her. She was just grateful she'd decided to listen to the ranting Duros and had taken HK along rather than slicing her way through the village with her sabers. The cavalier attitude of Czerka with regard to the lives of other creatures was enough to do away with whatever small twinge of guilt Brinna might have otherwise felt over her deception.
Griff was standing back near Greeda, the Rodian who had sold the moisture vaporators to Brinna and he looked positively gleeful at the sight of her. She did her best to resist the temptation to put a protective hand over the pouch holding her credits. The fact that Griff walked over to them rather than oozing was rather amazing, considering how thoroughly coated in slime Brinna thought he was.
It turned out that Griff wanted Brinna to obtain some tach glands for him to help him buy into a crazy Tarisian ale brewing scheme he had pitched to a member of the Exchange. Alarm bells went off the second Griff mentioned the Exchange and just when she had begun to think that he couldn't possibly surprise her any more with the depths of his stupidity, he proved her wrong. She had picked up a few tach glands on Kashyyyk, absently tucking them in her pack without really knowing why. As she handed them over to Griff, she found herself fervently hoping that his scheme would come to fruition rather than failing spectacularly and resulting in his having a price put on his head by the Exchange.
"Why do I get the feeling that this isn't going to end well?" Carth asked as they watched Griff hurry out of the Czerka office.
"I have enough of my own pessimism without adding yours to it," Brinna told him wryly.
"Poor Mission," he replied.
Poor Mission indeed…
Brinna and her companions talked little as they made their way to the krayt dragon's cave. She was preoccupied with her worries about Mission. A tiny part of her hoped that Griff really was going to clean up his act but the much bigger, more cynical part of her knew the chances of that were practically nil.
In spite of her own preoccupation, Brinna could sense that Bastila was equally preoccupied. The icy Jedi was keeping a firm reign on her thoughts, as usual, but Brinna could feel Bastila's turmoil. She still could not get over her amazement at the emotions that Bastila's encounter with her mother had provoked.
Really, though, couldn't you tell that it was all there, just lurking under the surface? You've seen people who repress like that before. You know what happens to them in the end.
A grim expression crossed Brinna's face. She would not think of her mother now. She had more than enough troubles to occupy her. Instead, she found herself casting a quick glance at Carth in the hopes that the sight of his face would bring her some peace. However, she could see that he looked rather preoccupied as well and, as much as she would have liked to ask him what was on his mind, she decided that it would keep for the time being. After all, she'd much rather speak privately with him, without Bastila around.
The merciless suns of Tatooine beat down on them and Brinna was soaked with sweat by the time she finally spotted Komad Fortuna standing off in the distance, a massive cave behind him. She would not miss this planet once they were through with it. In fact, she might never return here again, business be damned. If she ever again had to experience the sensation of sand wedging itself into seemingly every crevice of her body, she would definitely lose it.
Komad had a friend with him who was rather impatient. Brinna had a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach as she watched the fool rush off toward the cave, only to emit a bone-chilling scream as the krayt dragon made a snack of him. The sick feeling only increased when she witnessed Komad's dispassionate reaction. He seemed more concerned about convincing her of the noble nature of the hunt and the role she would need to play in it than he was about his companion's death.
She was instantly suspicious when he requested that she lure the bantha over to the cave to be used as bait, and with good reason. It turned out that Komad was afraid of the Sand People attacking him for daring to try to put their sacred beasts in harm's way. Rolling her eyes, Brinna agreed that she and her companions would lure the bantha over to the cave.
Can't anyone do their own dirty work anymore? she wondered in exasperation as she carefully made her way toward the enormous, shaggy beasts, holding bantha fodder out in what she hoped was an enticing manner.
Sure enough, as soon as the bantha began to follow Brinna and her companions, several angry Sand People came swarming toward them, tossing grenades and emitting their weird brand of squeals and screams. Brinna had heard more than enough of Sand People talk in the enclave and she was anxious to get the holocron, see the Star Map, and get the hell off Tatooine. Fortunately, the battle with the Sand People didn't last long and she, Carth, and Bastila led the bantha over to the cave without further incident.
This mission is starting to wear on you, she thought wearily. It'll be a miracle if you make it through this thing alive and relatively unscathed.
There was no time for such thoughts and she resolutely pushed them aside as she watched the krayt dragon lumbering to its death. She couldn't hold back the moue of distaste provoked by watching the thing get blown to bits by Komad's mines. Komad seemed to feel more remorse at the somewhat underhanded way he'd gone about killing the krayt dragon than he had over the demise of his friend. He handed Brinna one of the dragon's pearls as recompense for her help and then departed on his speeder.
"Well, that was disgusting," Brinna said as she headed toward the cave, carefully picking her way around the bits and pieces of krayt dragon that were strewn over the desert floor. The bantha were standing around munching on the fodder, seemingly oblivious to the fact that they had just barely escaped with their lives.
"Nothing like the scent of charred krayt dragon pieces mingling with bantha funk," Carth remarked, making a face.
"This whole planet stinks," Brinna grumbled. Then, because she couldn't resist needling Carth a bit, "But at least it's not boring like Dantooine." Carth made a face at her and she smiled, feeling something of her crankiness slip away.
Brinna could see the Star Map at the back of the cave but she disregarded it for the moment, intent on examining the various and assorted remains in the cave. She wanted to find that holocron as soon as possible and she could sense that Bastila had the same intent. Carth seemed to sense it too for, without anyone saying a word, he promptly began searching through the remains.
It was only fitting that Bastila was the one to find the holocron. Brinna could sense the tumult of Bastila's emotions the moment the other Jedi picked the holocron up and she turned to see Bastila cradling the device in both hands, staring at it but not seeming to see it, judging from the far-off look in her eyes. Glancing over at Carth, she exchanged a quick look with him before she tentatively made her way over to Bastila, Carth remaining where he was standing.
The deep sorrow coming from Bastila sent a wave of pain through Brinna as well. She could sense that Bastila was replaying memory after memory of her childhood and the other Jedi's guard had been lowered enough that Brinna caught a few of the images as well. From what she could see, Bastila's father had been a vibrant, laughing man who had clearly adored his daughter.
After leaving Bastila to her thoughts for a few minutes, Brinna gently broached the subject of Helena. "Are you going to give the holocron to her?"
"Do you think I should?" Bastila asked, turning to look at Brinna with an earnest expression in her eyes.
Brinna was so taken aback that she found herself gaping at Bastila. From the moment she had met Bastila, the other Jedi had spent practically every minute questioning Brinna's judgment and preaching to her about the Force and the dark side and Brinna's responsibilities to the Order. To have Bastila suddenly asking her for her advice was almost more of a shock than Brinna could handle.
"You might want to consider it," Brinna said, still feeling shell-shocked but able to order her thoughts somewhat. She had thought long and hard about Bastila's confrontation with her mother and she strongly felt that Bastila would never find peace until she had at least attempted to talk things through with Helena.
Bastila was silent for a moment and Brinna could sense that she was deep in thought. Then she pressed her lips into a firm line and regained her icy demeanor, closing her thoughts off to Brinna once more.
"That would just lead into another argument," Bastila said. "I should…try and remember my training. I should be able to let go of this, but I can't. I don't want to talk about this anymore. Let's…keep going."
Once again, Brinna felt as though Bastila had lobbed a grenade at her. As if it wasn't enough of a shock to watch Bastila actually manifest some sort of emotion, she was now witnessing Bastila expressing self-doubt. Bastila, who had always been confident to the point of pompousness.
Carth's voice suddenly penetrated her thoughts and she turned to look at him. "Anyone else get the feeling that finding this Star Map in the back of this krayt dragon's cave is more than just a coincidence?" he asked. It was an unnecessary question, really, but his gaze met hers as he finished speaking and she realized that he'd asked it simply to break the daze Brinna had fallen into. She sent him a grateful look, which he acknowledged with a slight smile and a nod.
"The Star Map is an artifact of the dark side," Bastila began, apparently not catching that Carth had not really been seeking a response to his idle comment. "The krayt dragon may have been drawn here by its dark power, only to be enslaved by it."
Brinna walked closer to the map and watched as it slowly unfolded. Her eyes moved carefully over the chart of the galaxy and she took out her datapad so that she could fill in more of the blanks left by the other Star Maps. It took a few minutes and when she finished, she looked up to see that Carth was studying her. She could have sworn that he colored slightly but it may have been her imagination.
"We should probably get going now," he said. "We've found the Star Map and I'm guessing there isn't much else worth seeing on this planet."
"I'm guessing you're right," Brinna responded.
She tucked her datapad back in her pack and turned toward the mouth of the cave once more. She took a step forward but suddenly stopped. There was a disturbance in the Force and as she glanced over at Bastila, she could see that the other Jedi had felt it as well. "We have company," Brinna quietly told Carth. "Dark Jedi company."
Immediately, she heard the sound of him unsheathing his blades. She and Bastila refrained from activating their lightsabers but they each held their hands at their belts as they walked slowly but steadily toward the mouth of the cave, Brinna in the lead.
The second she caught a clear view of the face of the one unswathed Jedi, Brinna recognized it. For a few seconds, she was back on the Endar Spire, listening to the concussions as the Sith tried to blow it into oblivion. She watched as the man claiming to be her bunkmate rushed headlong into the corridor with the dark Jedi. The door sealed behind him, sparing Brinna and allowing her to continue on toward the escape pods and a Republic star pilot named Carth Onasi…
"At last, my search is over!" the dark Jedi exulted as Brinna and her companions halted before him. "I was beginning to fear someone else had killed you and deprived me of the pleasure. You may have defeated the pathetic bounty hunter my Master sent after you, but you are no match for me! I have studied at the foot of the Dark Lord himself!"
Brinna felt nothing but contempt and she was sure the dark Jedi could sense it, for there was an almost feral gleam in his eyes as he looked at her. The insidious whispers began once again, teasing her, tempting her to just surrender, to simply claim the power that was hers…
"You're Malak's apprentice? Can't say I'm impressed," Brinna said, trying to sound as casual as possible. Inside, a war was raging and she could not prevent the cold sweat that suddenly coated her from head to toe.
"Your words mean nothing to me…unless you wish to beg me for your life. No? Then I shall try to make this both quick and painful!" the dark Jedi sneered.
Through their bond, Brinna and Bastila could each sense the other's intent, so as Brinna called on the Force to attempt to put Darth Bandon and his minions in stasis, Bastila lunged to strike out against one of the apprentices. At the same second, Bandon used his own Force abilities. Brinna proved impervious to his attempt but Carth and Bastila were not so lucky. They each clutched their heads, crying out in pain. Fortunately, the two apprentices had been unable to resist Brinna's Force abilities, though Bandon had successfully resisted.
As Brinna activated her lightsabers and brought them up into an attack position, she saw the look of surprise that crossed Bandon's face. His dark presence was strong and she knew that he was surprised because she had resisted him. In spite of her taunting words, Brinna knew that Bandon was powerful and she was not about to underestimate him. She felt the Force flow through her once more, increasing the speed of her movements, and then she struck.
There was a clash and a hiss of sparks as Brinna's sabers connected with Bandon's. The fight became one of pure instinct, Brinna reacting without really thinking. She had approached this sort of oneness with the Force in the past but never quite to this extent. Though the connection allowed her to move with a fluid, seemingly effortless grace, the mental toll on her was great.
The more she used the Force, the more the dark side had to attempt to latch onto and fighting off the urge to succumb was exhausting. Their stay on Dantooine had been too brief for her to fully recover from her ordeal on Korriban and she knew she was coming dangerously close to overexerting herself but she had done her best to hide this from the others.
Jolee and Juhani must have sensed Bandon's presence for she could suddenly feel them reaching out to her via the Force. Their presence was comforting but she feared that they would be able to sense her growing fatigue and she did not allow herself to connect with them. It was difficult enough doing what she could to keep Bastila at bay.
Bandon was looking decidedly worse for the wear by the time his Force-inflicted torture on Bastila and Carth had worn off. The dark Jedi apprentices suddenly regained the ability to move at just about the same moment and they promptly attacked Bastila and Carth. Brinna would have liked their help but she steeled herself, ignoring her mental and physical fatigue, and parried Bandon's strikes. Suddenly, she saw a vulnerability and with nearly blinding speed, she seized her opportunity and took him down. Bastila and Carth had just finished with the apprentices they had been fighting and had turned to help Brinna. As Brinna bent over, resting her hands on her knees in an attempt to catch her breath, she could feel Bastila probing at her and could sense something like concern coming from the younger Jedi.
Give me a minute, Brinna curtly told Bastila. She could feel Bastila's reluctance as she withdrew, but Brinna was too grateful for the sudden moment's peace to think much of it. She could feel the cooling sensation of the Force healing wounds she hadn't even realized she had.
"Thanks," she panted, speaking aloud as she turned to look at Bastila.
The other Jedi nodded shortly, her eyes practically boring into Brinna's head. Brinna kept her expression carefully blank. She could see a flicker of something in Bastila's eyes and she knew Bastila was contemplating the wisdom of attempting another connection via their bond but, to Brinna's relief, Bastila decided against it.
As her breathing finally began to slow to a more normal pace, Brinna stood upright once again and noticed that Carth was studying her with a concerned expression. She gave him a weary smile, hoping to reassure him, but his lips curved down in a slight frown. His concern was touching and Brinna felt something stir inside of her. The expression on her face must have changed for Carth suddenly returned her smile with a slight one of his own. His eyes lingered on her for another few seconds before he turned and began picking through the belongings of their fallen foes.
Brinna was lost in her own thoughts as they made their way back to Anchorhead. There were still some loose ends to tie up but, mentally, Brinna was already on Manaan, searching desperately for the next Star Map.
I just want this to all be over with, all of it. She suddenly felt as if she were a hundred years old. A strange sensation filled her head, almost as if it were buzzing and she told herself that she'd better rehydrate as soon as they returned to the Ebon Hawk. She must have spent far too much time out under the merciless desert suns.
Helena visibly started when Bastila and her companions entered the cantina. She quickly covered the expression with a cool one, asking sardonically, "Back already? Have you even looked for the holocron yet?"
"I have the holocron, Mother," Bastila replied shortly and Brinna could feel the young Jedi's temper flaring. "I'm just not sure I want to give it to you."
Brinna's mouth fell open and she looked at Bastila in disbelief. Could this really be the same Jedi princess who had always been so eager to project an image of utter perfection? Bastila had always seemed so concerned about what the Masters would think that Brinna could hardly believe that she was acting the way she was with her mother. Shouldn't Bastila have been perishing at the thought of what the Masters would make of her current behavior?
Mother and daughter began quarreling. Brinna was far too weary to follow the argument, though it was obvious that Bastila and Helena were basically claiming that their behavior and intentions were the exact opposites of whatever the other claimed them to be. It began to feel as though someone was beating on the inside of her head with a blaster and Brinna felt her patience grow thin.
"Maybe one of you should be the first to give the other a break?" she said, butting into the conversation.
Helena and Bastila halted, both of them turning to look at her. For a second, Brinna thought neither of them would relent and then Bastila sighed, pressing her mouth into an even tighter line.
"You're right," she told Brinna, sounding as if the words were choking her. "It shames me, but I just…I find it difficult to…let go of the past. I'm…sorry, Mother."
Brinna could feel herself soften a bit as Bastila stumbled over her words. Bastila was not the only one who had trouble letting go of the past and Brinna felt a sudden rush of sympathy for the other Jedi. It suddenly occurred to Brinna just how young Bastila was and just how much responsibility had been heaped onto her slender shoulders. Bastila was insufferable at times, but perhaps Brinna had not been entirely fair in her judgment of Bastila.
"I was hard on you, dear," Helena replied, sounding remorseful. "I wasn't a very good mother to you, I know that. Your father loved you so. He wanted you to be just like him…he wanted to take you on his hunts, but I said they were too dangerous. I always tried to keep him from the dangerous ones, but he would have none of it. It was a reckless life we led, always moving… I didn't want that for you."
"So that's why you gave me to the Order?" Bastila asked. Brinna could feel Bastila struggling with her growing wish for understanding and acceptance. Without thinking, Brinna put a reassuring hand on the other Jedi's shoulder. There would be no serenity for Bastila—no matter what the Jedi Code might have to say about it—unless she did what she could to reconcile herself with her mother.
"What do your father and I have to show for all those years of hunting? Nothing. That was no life for anyone, especially not someone as gifted as you. Your father…he spent all his last years trying to pay for my treatments. That's why he went for the pearls. I begged him not to, but…"
"Your treatments?" Bastila interrupted, looking somewhat stricken.
"I'm dying, Bastila," Helena replied, acceptance and resignation plain in her voice. "I did not lie about that. It's been a long time in the coming, and there's really nothing that can be done anymore. I told your father to let me go, but you know how he was. Stubborn. Like you."
"I'm so sorry, Mother. I don't know what to say." Brinna tightened her grip slightly as she felt the dizzying wave of sadness and regret that washed over Bastila.
Bastila and her mother talked for another few moments. Brinna could see the remorse Helena felt over the wasted years and when she asked, Brinna did not hesitate to promise Helena that she would do her best to take care of Bastila.
There was a gleam of tears in Bastila's eyes as she gave her mother 500 credits and implored her to head to Coruscant for further treatment. She told Helena that once their mission was over, they could meet and talk. Brinna couldn't help but think of her own mother, tears rising in her own eyes over the bitterness that had characterized their last moments together. She fervently hoped that Helena and Bastila would be able to lay their differences aside and reconcile before Helena passed away. The last thing Brinna wanted was to see Bastila end up like she had, living every day with the regret of not having made peace with someone who was now out of reach. Brinna's hand strayed up to her necklace.
"So do you feel better now?" Brinna gently asked Bastila as they left the cantina.
There was a far away expression in Bastila's eyes but Brinna could also sense her relief. "Yes. That brought me a lot of peace. More than I thought it would have. Thank you for urging me towards it. After all my training, I would have thought it would have been easier. Apparently I still have much to learn."
"Don't be so hard on yourself, Bastila," Brinna said kindly.
Bastila nodded and Brinna left her to her own thoughts. She looked over to her right and caught Carth's glance. He looked a little astonished and Brinna shrugged and gave him a sheepish smile. Her heart lifted as he smiled in return and she thought she saw something like pride in his expression. It made her blush and she turned her gaze from his somewhat bashfully.
"If you don't mind, there are some things in the droid shop I'd like to take a look at," Carth said.
"Go ahead. We'll wait for you here," Brinna said. She could sense that there was something on Bastila's mind, something that Bastila would prefer to speak with her about once they were alone.
"You look like you have something to say," Brinna told Bastila as soon as Carth disappeared into the shop.
"I do. I have been trying to come up with the best way to say this for some time, but I suppose I should just come out and say it. The truth is, I have come to depend on you. Not just for the sake of the mission, but for my own sake as well. I am…I am glad you are with us."
Taken aback, Brinna spoke before she thought. "Is that a compliment? From you?"
Bastila was clearly offended. "Well, yes. Surely that is not so surprising."
"You're kidding, right?" Brinna asked, looking at Bastila incredulously.
"No, I'm not. Why must you make this so difficult for me? Can't you just accept a simple compliment?"
Ah, there's the Bastila I know so well, Brinna thought, striving for patience.
"Maybe I was just distracted by the grudging manner in which it was given," she told Bastila, a slight edge to her voice.
"I see. Is there nothing I can do to make it up to you? I would rather we were friends."
She sounded sincere enough and Brinna found that she was suddenly tired of holding a grudge against Bastila. She would have liked to have been friends with the younger woman right from the start, but Bastila had always seemed to hold her at arm's length. Wasn't it rather petty of her to reject that offer of friendship now? Really, she should be bigger than that.
"I'd like that, I suppose," she replied after a moment's pause.
"I know my manner can be a bit taciturn. I know you must be getting sick of my lectures about the dark side and…and everything else."
With a sigh, Bastila elaborated, "I spent all my years being hounded by my instructors. Being told so often how gifted and important I was until I was sick of it. I remember when I was younger I used to swear that I would never become as self-absorbed and stodgy as the Jedi Masters. It's ironic, really."
"Maybe, but you don't need to be like that," Brinna told her. She felt a slight twinge of guilt. Maybe she was being a little hard on Bastila but, then, it was time for her to be honest with the other Jedi. Brinna felt that what she was saying needed to be said, as much for Bastila's benefit as for Brinna's own gratification.
"I suppose not. But I am becoming like that, though it's not easy for me to admit. Being controlled has kept everyone around me at arm's length; even those like yourself who are most in need of my understanding and compassion. But maybe it's time to change that. You deserve to know how much I respect and admire you. I thought…I just thought I should tell you."
Brinna had never been so floored in all her life. This was the last thing she had been expecting. "I'm glad you did," she somehow managed to say, still too stunned to come up with anything more or better than that.
"Well, that was not nearly so difficult as I feared," Bastila said, sounding suddenly upbeat. "Thank you for hearing me out. I feel…I feel much better. But enough soul searching for now."
Bastila turned and made a pretense of examining some activity going on off in the distance. Brinna didn't mind the brush-off, though. She knew it had been difficult for Bastila to open up as she had and Brinna was left feeling glad that the younger Jedi had finally decided to participate in a conversation with her that had nothing to do with the evils of the dark side or the dire consequences of refusing to abide by the Jedi Code.
Carth exited the shop and gave Brinna a questioning look. She smiled and gave him a slight nod and he smiled in return. She couldn't help but notice how good the expression looked on him. His eyes crinkled appealingly at the corners and though he was certainly not old, the smile made him appear youthful.
"It went well, huh?" Carth quietly asked Brinna as they headed toward the hunting lodge, where Brinna planned to sell the wraid plates they'd collected. Bastila was walking just ahead of them, apparently deep in thought.
"You did that on purpose?" Brinna asked, looking at him in surprise.
He shrugged and grinned a bit sheepishly. "I thought you two could use a little time alone."
"Carth Onasi, you're more of a meddler than I would have imagined," Brinna scolded, but there was no heat in her words. She smiled at him. "Yes, it did go well."
"Good," he said, sounding satisfied. "I know Bastila can be a handful but her heart is in the right place."
"Yes, it is," Brinna said thoughtfully. She glanced at Bastila and noted the determined set of the younger woman's shoulders. It really couldn't have been easy for Bastila to grow up with everyone constantly fawning over her, reminding her of her special talents. The pressure to succeed must have been enormous.
"I just hope that she really has turned a new leaf," Brinna continued. "She's intelligent and talented but that's not going to carry her very far if she continues to be so abrasive."
"We can't all have your disarming charm," he told her lightly.
A blush stole over her cheeks and she found that she had to avert her eyes. Damn but the man had made it a habit to pay her underhanded compliments. For as self-assured as she could be, Brinna never quite knew exactly how to react to them.
Fortunately for her, they arrived at the hunting lodge and she was spared the necessity of coming up with a response to Carth's comment. Fazza paid her quite well for the plates and she tucked the credits away with a sense of relief. At least credits were one thing about which she no longer needed to worry.
The others were scattered about the ship when Brinna and her companions returned but they soon all gathered in the common room, asking question after question. The pearl was passed around for all to examine and admire and Brinna found herself looking at it through narrowed eyes, wondering if just maybe it might work in her lightsaber…
She suddenly became conscious of a rather weighty gaze upon her. Turning her head, she saw that Jolee was studying her. Suddenly, she knew that she had not managed to fully block him during her battle with Bandon. He must have sensed something within her for he was studying her gravely, his gaze unwavering as he met hers. She thought she could see something like concern in his eyes and she tentatively attempted to reach out to him via the Force but he was having none of it. Brinna looked at him questioningly but he made a slight gesture that told her he was not prepared to discuss things with her. She felt slightly hurt but she gathered her dignity about her, nodded at him in what she hoped was an accepting manner, and returned her attention to the conversation of the others. It seemed no one had noticed the exchange between Brinna and Jolee, for several voices were speaking at once and no one was looking her way.
The evening passed pleasantly enough. Once the others were satisfied that they'd heard everything there was to hear, Brinna had excused herself to go spend some time scrubbing away the day's accumulation of sand, sweat, and other matter about which she preferred not to think. As she removed her Jedi robes, she caught the distinct odor of bantha fodder and it made her wrinkle her nose.
No way am I getting back in those before they're laundered.
When she was finished, she dressed in the pants and sleeveless shirt that she'd often favored during her scouting missions. The clothes felt strange on her back and she was surprised to realize just how quickly she'd come to identify herself as a Jedi.
Soon I'll be wearing robes nonstop and doling out nonsensical Jedi 'wisdom' in my sleep, she thought rather wryly.
Brinna could sense that Bastila was meditating but as soon as Bastila became aware that Brinna was moving out into the ship proper, she stopped and waited. It was no longer necessary to try to decide where to go. Brinna immediately headed for the women's bunks. She knew that Bastila was the only one in there.
"You're curious about something?" Brinna asked as soon as she stepped through the door.
"Am I so transparent? I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, considering our bond," Bastila replied. "Yes, there is something I would like to ask, if you'll permit it."
Curious to hear what Bastila had to ask, Brinna leaned against the wall, her arms crossed over her chest. "Go ahead."
"In our time together I've been watching you."
Big surprise there, Brinna thought, resisting the urge to roll her eyes.
"You are a true servant of the light," Bastila continued, "you follow the tenants of the Jedi Order despite the lure of the dark side. And with so little training. For me it has always been a constant battle. Don't you find it difficult at all? You make it seem so easy. Or is that only an illusion?"
If you only knew… There was a part of her that would have liked to be completely honest with Bastila, to share her burden with someone else but she refused. This was her struggle and hers alone. What good would it do to worry the others by letting them know just how much this experience was wearing her down?
"It's a struggle for me, sometimes," Brinna said mildly.
"That's a relief to hear," Bastila said and the relief was evident in her voice.
Does she really think that this all comes easily to me? Brinna wondered, surprised.
Don't be ridiculous. She's just so used to things coming easily to her that she worries about this being a struggle for her. She's afraid that it means she's not as gifted or talented as everyone is constantly telling her she is. Can't you see that she's just as afraid of failure as you are?
"I have never found the Jedi path an easy one to walk and it's good to know I'm not alone," Bastila was saying, interrupting the train of Brinna's thoughts. Shaking herself slightly, Brinna refocused her attention on Bastila.
"I've always struggled for control over my passions," Bastila confessed. "I've always been too quick to anger, too quick to get involved. My instructors constantly berated me for it. I've often dreamed that I might be able to confront Darth Malak myself. I dream I can use all this power I have to kill him and stop all the death and destruction. I just think about all the evil that the Sith have caused and I…I get so furious. Yet we are told that these feelings are the path to the dark side."
Brinna couldn't have been more shocked if Bastila had pulled her lightsaber and attacked. Never in a million years would she have guessed that Bastila would open up to her and confess such feelings. Hell, for a while there she had almost been convinced that Bastila had no feelings at all. "Are you saying you don't believe in the corruption of the dark side?" Brinna asked in disbelief.
"I don't know. Would the power I used to kill Darth Malak be too tempting to keep using? Would I become the kind of evil I want to destroy? The very thought that I could become as evil as Malak; I just can't fathom it. It just doesn't seem possible. How could I…no, wait. I'm sorry. I shouldn't even be asking you this. The Jedi teachings are clear; who am I to question them? And even worse, who am I to try and make you question them?"
"What?" Brinna asked, stunned not only by Bastila's sudden candor but also by the turn the conversation had taken.
"These are dangerous thoughts, the indulgence of a vain mind. Please, forget I ever mentioned this," Bastila said. She jumped up from her bunk as if it were suddenly full of hot coals and practically bolted from the room, Brinna staring after her.
"I need some air," Brinna muttered to herself. Though the thought of breathing in the dry, desert air wasn't all that soothing, she had to get off the ship for a bit. It was beginning to feel tight around her again and she knew this was caused by her impatience to be on her way to Manaan. Still, she knew she could not leave Tatooine without checking up on Griff and allowing Bastila one more meeting with her mother.
Shrugging a jacket on as she walked, Brinna stepped down the Hawk's loading ramp and shivered just slightly. It was hard to believe that Tatooine was as blazing hot as it was during the day. Though heat still radiated off the baked earth, the air was quite cool and Brinna knew she would have been too cold without her jacket.
She moved away from the Hawk, stepping further into the rather deserted spaceport. There was one guard on duty and, from the looks of him, his fight with sleep was proving rather futile. Suddenly, she saw a familiar form silhouetted against the Hawk's hull and her heart stilled for a moment before it began to beat at an almost uncomfortably rapid pace.
"Hey," Carth greeted her as she stepped over to him.
"Hey," she responded. They stood in companionable silence for a moment, Carth studying the sky while Brinna put up the pretense of doing so as well. Really, she spent most of her time sneaking what she hoped were covert glances at Carth's handsome profile.
"You know, my father would have loved this," Brinna commented, breaking the silence at last.
"Really?" Carth asked doubtfully, looking around the spaceport.
Brinna had to smile. "Not this planet. Desert wastelands weren't really his style. He would have loved this view, though. That's one of the things I do like about Tatooine. Few places have as unobstructed a view of the night sky as this place does."
"It is a nice view," Carth agreed, gazing up at the sky once more. Out of the corner of her eye, Brinna could see him glance at her for a second but then he looked away.