Ch 21: Ups and Downs

Spock gathered his things together as his class filled out of the classroom in an orderly fashion. He had forgotten how enjoyable teaching was during his time on the Enterprise. It filled him with joy to teach those younger than him and took his mind off the pain of being separated from Kirk during the day, at least for a few hours.

With his materials gathered under his arm, he moved to exit the room when he saw one of his students still sitting in her seat. His eyebrow rose on his forehead when he saw that she was staring at him. He recognized the student as T'Valia, one of his brightest students in the class. Altering his path so that he walked closer to where she sat, he looked at her with a quizzical expression and said, "T'Valia, class has already been dismissed. If you linger too long, you will be tardy in your return home. It is unwise to give your guardians reason to contemplate your current location. Is something on your mind?"

T'Valia looked at Spock with the typical stoic face that many Vulcans wore, both young and old, but in her eyes was a sadness that was distinct. When he looked into her eyes, he almost felt as though he were looking into a mirror and seeing his own. In a soft voice, she said, "I do not mean to cause trouble with my presence at the end of class Professor Spock. I was merely contemplating a few things. If you wish, I can vacate the classroom at once."

She bent down to gather her things when Spock's hand stopped her. She looked back up at him with her sad eyes, surprise adding a slight shimmer to them. "You do not have to leave if you are not ready to," Spock said. "If something is concerning you, my role as a professor is not solely devoted to the education of my students. I am available to listen to your troubles if you wish to speak of them."

"They are not appropriate to share," she said, her face turning a light green. "Do not concern yourself with me Professor; I am fine."

"You are not," Spock spoke plainly. "If it is one thing I have learned after spending time with humans for as long as I have, it is how to pick up on another's emotions, even if they submerge them as we do. Bottling up your problems will not solve them. If you share them with me, the chances of them being alleviated can be greatly increased."

T'Valia sighed and looked down at her desk. She contemplated any possible consequences of telling Spock about her problems and found them to be minimal. Taking a deep breath and keeping her eyes fixated on her desk, she said, "The Vulcan High Council has chosen a life mate for me."

When Spock heard the words, he already knew what to expect. He knew that T'Valia was currently without any surviving family and thus had no one other than the Vulcan High Council to pick a mate for her. She had been assigned guardians to watch over her after her classes ended, but by Vulcan law, only blood relatives could one's life mate for them; if none were available, the High Council chose in their stead. Like Spock, she was technically old enough to choose her own mate, but with the Vulcan High Council's stress on logical Vulcan pairings and the upholding of their traditions even in light of their near extinction, they would allow no one to chose who they wished to spend the rest of their days with.

Spock kneeled next to T'Valia and nodded, recognizing her plight. She continued, "I am engaged to marry a boy I have never met whose name is Maldonev. According to the High Council, our intellects complement each other the most out of our age group. From what I am told, our pairing is a very logical choice, however…"

"You wish to be bonded with someone else," Spock interrupted. T'Valia looked in his eyes and saw the same pained look in his eyes. "There is someone else whom your heart belongs to."

She nodded silently. "You are correct," she said. "His name is Salonius. We were close as children, and like me, he lost his life mate in the destruction of Vulcan. We had hoped that we could approach the High Council to be joined together in a life bond, but they made their decision before we could. He is engaged to a girl named T'Lohra, a girl he dislikes greatly. We are both in such a hopeless situation, engaged to someone our heart does not long for, but if we were to tell the High Council of desires, we would be chastised for our selfishness."

"Indeed," Spock agreed. "I find myself in a similar situation as well. I am engaged to be married with T'Maire, a close friend from my childhood; however, my love lies with someone else."

"They are not Vulcan," T'Valia said as a statement instead of as a question.

Spock raised an eyebrow at her, but confirmed her statement. "You are correct. The person I am in love with is not a Vulcan."

"You take after your father, falling in love with a non-Vulcan," she mused with a slight smile on her face. "Interesting that even though he is on the Vulcan High Council, you are engaged to someone else against your will."

Spock's facial expression turned stony as he contemplated the details he chose not to share with his pupil. "It seems he does not want me to take after him entirely."

T'Valia sighed. "If the son of a High Council member is unable to choose his own mate, the chance of Salonius and I being allowed to do so is very low. Two thousand, nine-hundred and forty-three to one to be exact."

Rising from the floor and placing a hand on her back to reassure her, Spock spoke earnestly. "I believe that given our race's situation, preserving all of our traditions should be reconsidered. I cannot ensure you that I can make any progress through my father, but it is possible. There must be another way to repopulate our race without forcing many of its survivors to sacrifice their freedom of choice. Do not give up hope T'Valia; change may come sooner than you think."

She allowed herself to smile just enough to convey the comfort that Spock's words brought her. Gathering her things, she rose from her seat and looked up at him. "Thank you Professor Spock," she said. "Your words will help me bear being engaged to someone not of my choosing. I only hope that you are right and that I will be allowed to forge a life bond with Salonius in the future." She gave him a shallow bow and then left the room.

Spock sighed and left the room as well. Even though he had told her not to lose hope, he didn't have much himself.

"Leonard, you've gotta do something about him. I keep expecting him to see him farting sunshine and rainbows out of his ass."

McCoy raised his eyebrow at Uhura, who had come to sick bay to talk to him along with Sulu, Russell, and Scotty. Chapel stood next to McCoy behind his desk and looked down at him as he pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and index finger, eyes closed tightly.

"Uhura," he said, "three months ago, you and everyone else were begging me to do something about his depression, so I prescribed him a daily dose of anti-depressants, each dose being less potent than the last one. Now I've got everyone breaking my door down telling me to take him off of his cloud!"

"Have you seen him?" Sulu asked. "He's completely hyped up! He runs around with that damned grin on his face doing everyone else's job for them! And you can't talk to the guy for longer than a minute before becoming utterly disgusted!"

Uhura chimed in, "I swear if he calls me beautiful one more time, I'm gonna shove my earpiece up his nose!"

"I thought the point of the anti-depressant was to pull his head out of his ass so he could work, not sky rocket it straight into the clouds!" Russell added. "He's driving us all insane!"

"Ah don' even think he sleeps anymore!" Scotty said, exasperation clear on his face. "On multiple occasions my people have spotted him in engineering twiddlin' with things! Ah don' know how much o' this we kin take!"

"Alright, alright!" McCoy said, raising his hands to silence everyone. "I get the point! I'll wean him off of the anti-depressants and let his body adjust to his own chemistry!" He shook his head. "I don't get how he could be reacting so strongly to it though! I've been decreasing the potency in the correct increments! He shouldn't be reacting this way!"

Chapel fidgeted a little and then spoke up. "Er, Doctor, I believe I know what the cause is." Five pairs of eyes turned her way and looked at her, curious as to what her explanation was. Suddenly nervous, her voice dropped low as she said, "I've been noticing that some of our more potent anti-depressants have been used in the last two weeks. I've asked our staff if anyone has been administered anti-depressants other than Captain Kirk, and they've all said no."

McCoy's eyes narrowed. "Are you telling me that the captain might be sneaking into the sick bay and administering anti-depressants himself?"

She nodded, not wanting to verbally admit it. Everyone looked at each other in horrified shock and appall. That didn't sound like Kirk at all; first off, Kirk hated hyposprays almost as much as a child did, so imagining him administering a hypospray into himself voluntarily was unfathomable. Secondly, Kirk was not the type of person to sneak into the sick bay to abuse medication, as doing so both threatened his reputation and his position as captain of the ship.

"Nurse Chapel," McCoy said slowly and cautiously. "You do realize what you're accusing Captain Kirk of doing?"

"I do," she said solemnly. "I wouldn't say it if I didn't believe it was true."

The silence hung heavily in the room as everyone thought about what this meant. If Kirk really was sneaking into sick bay to give himself anti-depressants, he could easily be removed from Starfleet. Starfleet had zero tolerance for substance abuse, and given the fact that they were looking for any excuse to get rid of Kirk, they'd act on this quickly.

McCoy's voice was low, but it echoed throughout the room. "We need to handle this quickly. Corporal Peters has been reporting every tiny little indiscretion on the ship. Starfleet has taken everything he reports with a grain of salt, but if word of Jim's substance abuse leaks out, even as a rumor, he'll be booted from Starfleet so fast it'll make our heads spin. We absolutely have to take care of this issue ourselves."

Everyone nodded in silent agreement. Kirk was a pain at times, but they had come to respect him as a captain. It was clear that with Spock gone he was going through a really hard time, even after almost four months. They had been as supportive as they could to help him get through it, but it was obvious that it wasn't enough.

Sighing, McCoy said, "I never thought I'd see the day that I made the wrong choice in medicating my patient."

"Don't say that," Uhura said. "Jim needed something to get out of his slump and you did what you could to help him."

"At least he stopped stuffing his face with desserts," Russell added. "It was getting to a point where every time he passed by I thought I had walked into a bakery."

"He's right," Chapel said. "Putting him on a strict diet and making him go back to the gym got him back on the right track health wise. It's just a shame he didn't feel like that was good enough to combat his depression."

McCoy stood from his seat and sighed. "Well, there's no use talking about it anymore. We need to tell him collectively that he needs to stop this. The next time he comes in for his daily dose, we'll confront him about it."

Everyone nodded and left the room. Everyone, that is, except McCoy. When he was the only one left in his office, he slumped into his chair and covered his eyes with his hand. Kirk had turned into a real mess in the time that Spock was gone, and McCoy found himself missing Spock more than he ever had before.

Prime set the table in his dining room with plates, silverware, napkins, and glasses. He found an abnormal enjoyment in preparing for dinner each night now that Spock was staying with him. After spending so long by himself, there was something extremely satisfying about having someone to spend his evenings with. The last time he had been able to have company on a daily basis was when Kirk was alive, which was so very, very long ago.

He sighed internally at the thought of his deceased life mate. Even after all this time, the void he felt in his heart remained. He could have easily chosen to bond with another, but after taking so long to admit their love for each other and then being robbed of a long life together, it seemed a disservice to the memory of his first true love to simply choose another life mate to avoid being alone. No, the fond memories of their time together would be enough.

The front door opened to reveal an exhausted Spock. When he finished teaching at the New Vulcan Academy, he went to the science lab and helped with the development of new Vulcan ships. By the time he came home the sun had long since set and the stars twinkled brightly in the sky.

"Welcome back," Prime said with a warm smile. Greeting Spock when he came home every day was like greeting the son he never had, but always wished he did. "Was your day satisfactory?"

Sighing, Spock said, "Mostly. A student approached me with a problem they are having that is weighing heavily on their mind." Acknowledging the arched eyebrow Prime gave him, he explained, "My student T'Valia is also engaged to someone she does not love. Her life mate was chosen by the High Council with no regard to her personal choice. She is old enough to know who she loves and wants to spend her life with, but the High Council made the 'logical choice' for her life mate and forced her to bond with them. It seems that the man she loves has suffered a similar fate."

Prime shook his head. "It seems that the tragic loss of our planet has made some of us realize just how restrictive our way of life truly is. Perhaps the time has come for our old ways to be re-evaluated. We are a strong people and have learned the value of controlling our emotions. However, you are a perfect example of how much pain such restrictions can cause."

"You are correct in your assessment, but how can we convince the High Council that the best thing for our race is to," he raised an eyebrow at the thought that entered his mind, "be more human?"

Prime chuckled at his younger counterpart and smiled. "The first thing to do would be to not put it in such terms. By allowing ourselves to feel, we are not necessarily becoming more human, though it can easily be construed that way. If anything, we would become more like our cousins the Romulans."

Realization dawned on him, showing clearly on his face. "The Romulans…yes of course…physiologically speaking we are exactly the same; the only difference is our beliefs. Perhaps if we were to appeal to the High Council and propose the refusing of Vulcans and Romulans into one race, we can preserve our people while keeping the bloodlines pure as the High Council desires."

Spock winced at the thought of joining with the same race that Nero was a part of, but tried to put his personal feelings aside as he contemplated the idea. "Are you sure that is a wise choice of action?"

Prime nodded and said, "As the humans say, we would be 'killing two birds with one stone'. We could still preserve our culture, allow the continuance of our race, and allow Vulcans such as yourself to choose their own life mate. I know it seems a radical path to take, but if the High Council continues to enforce Surak's teachings in such a restrictive way, it could lead to rebellion."

The younger Vulcan looked away and contemplated all that Prime had said. The idea was indeed a rather radical one, but if one thought about it, it was logical. Yes, the Romulans held different beliefs than the Vulcans did, but considering the intense emphasis on repopulation, the best course of action might be to reunite with their cousins. It was a long shot, but if presented properly, it was entirely possible to build the Vulcan race without sacrificing freedom of choice for those who lost their life mates in Vulcan's destruction, as well as holding on to the teachings of Surak for future generations.

"Though I do not see how we will be able to convince the High Council that this would be acceptable course of action, even if only to rebuild our race," Spock said, "I do believe that it could work out if they somehow agree to it. The question is, how do we get them to accept this and begin putting it to action?"

"Your father," Prime answered. "If you can convince your father that this is the right course to take, not only for your own benefit, but for the rest of our race as well, then he could use his position on the High Council to help fuel our cause."

The hope that had begun shining in Spock's eyes quickly faded away. He turned from Prime and stepped away. In a low voice that could barely be heard, he said, "I do not think that is possible."

"Of course it is," Prime said, walking closer to Spock. "You are his son; regardless of whether he agrees with your life choices, he knows you still speak logically."

"He will believe I speak selfishly, even if I appeal to his logic."

"Then do not speak alone."

Spock faced Prime and gave him a confused look. Prime explained, "You already have two people who are bonded to those they do not love. It is likely you can find others. Speak to T'Valia and inquire if she is the only one in her situation. In the meantime, I believe it is time you spoke to your father about your relationship with Jim."

"I cannot," Spock said, turning away once more.

"You must," Prime said, putting a hand on his shoulder. "You have avoided him since your first night here. You know I have no qualms about you staying in my home; in fact, I find the company refreshing. But you will need to talk to him if you wish for this to work."

Spock was quiet for quite some time before he said, "Alright. I will talk with my father tomorrow. If you do not mind, I would like if we did not discuss the matter further tonight."

"I understand," Prime said. "Come; I was just about to serve dinner."

Kirk whistled a little tune of his own creation as he skipped down the hall toward sick bay. As usual, those who passed by him gave him a wide berth to avoid catching his attention. Lately he had a tendency to dance with anyone who came close enough to him in the hallway and most of the crew didn't really care to dance with the overly happy captain. One unfortunate ensign that was concentrating on his data pad bumped into Kirk and found himself being spun around, the captain's arm linked with his. By the time he was released, he was so dizzy that he fell against the wall and slid down to the floor.

The smile that normally warmed everyone's heart and added a bright spot to even the darkest of days was now thrown around so frequently that few were happy to see it. Some actually rolled their eyes when he directed it to them, but it didn't phase Kirk one bit. He was on Cloud Nine and nothing could send him hurtling back down to Earth.

He skipped into sick bay and aimed his sickly sweet smile at his best friend. "Bonesy!" he cried, throwing his arms open wide and hugging the doctor tightly. "Oh man, it's always a treat to see you!"

"Yes Jim, I know," McCoy sighed. He wriggled his arms between them and pushed the overbearing captain away from him. "Are you ready for your treatment?"

"You bet I am!" Kirk said, beaming.

"Good." McCoy motioned to the medical bed and said, "Can you lie down on the bed for me Jim? We're going to be doing something a little different with your treatment today."

Kirk shrugged and continued to smile. "Sure, whatever you say Bones!"

He walked over to the bed and hopped on to it, lying down obediently. McCoy found himself wishing Kirk was this obedient all the time, but knew that the only reason he was so easy to handle was because he was hopped up on anti-depressants. He grimaced as he pulled the straps from the side of the bed over Kirk's body and fastened them.

Kirk watched McCoy curiously, unsure why he was being strapped to the bed. "Hey Bones," he asked, "not that I doubt your skills as a doctor or anything, but why are you strapping me to the bed?"

McCoy fastened the final strap and turned toward his office. He shouted, "You can all come out now!"

To Kirk's amazement, Sulu, Uhura, Russell, Chapel, and Scotty all came out of McCoy's office. Each of them wore a somber look on their face, as though they were about to attend a funeral. Kirk looked at them all in confusion. "Wh-what's going on here? Why'd you all hide in the office? Were you waiting for me?" Kirk smiled. "Is this a surprise? Do you guys have a gift for me or something?"

"No Jim," McCoy said. "We need to talk to you about something very important."

"Captain," Chapel began, "we know that you've been sneaking in here when the sick bay is empty and giving yourself an extra dose of the more potent anti-depressants."

The smile on Kirk's face fell as he let his head drop back onto the pillow underneath him. "So," he sighed, "You guys noticed huh? I was hoping you wouldn't be so observant..."

"Unfortunately we weren't observant enough," Chapel said. "The anti-depressants you've been taking in addition to what Doctor McCoy's been giving you weren't meant for continuous use."

Seeing the increasingly confused look on Kirk's face, McCoy explained further. "Those anti-depressants are part of a strict treatment that starts off strong and gradually decreases in strength to wean the patient off of them. This allows their body to make up for the deficiency in the dosage on its own, so that someone who developed a sudden case of depression, such as yourself, gets back on their feet. Not even those diagnosed with clinical depression are prescribed something that strong for long.

"Using those anti-depressants for longer than a few days can cause serious strain on the body! Typical side effects include nausea, jitteriness, insomnia, and more worrisome, heart flutters, which intensify the longer you take them. The fact that you haven't keeled over after taking so much for so long is a miracle!"

Kirk laughed nervously and said, "I don't know what you're talking about! I feel fine! I don't suffer from any of those symptoms! Really, I don't!" Six looks of disbelief were directed at the captain, unnerving him. "Well….maybe my stomach's been a little off lately…and okay, I'll admit, I haven't been sleeping a whole lot lately…"

"Captain, there've been reports o' ye runnin' around at all hours o' tha day! Very seldomly has any one seen ye go ta yer quarters ta sleep! Ye've been bouncin' around like a jelly bean fer three months now!"

"And I'm willing to bet that as soon as we hook you up to the machine, your vitals will show high blood pressure and elevated heart rate," McCoy added.

Uhura stepped forward and went to Kirk's side. She peered down at him with sad brown eyes and asked him, "Why Jim? Why would you put your health at risk like that?"

"Why?" Kirk laughed bitterly. "Why else? The man I love is stuck on a rock light years away from me trying to validate our relationship to his father. Our engagement doesn't count for shit according to Vulcan laws because our life bond wasn't approved by and performed in front of the Vulcan High Council. If Spock can't convince his father in the next two months that our relationship is genuinely based in love and not lust and deceit, I'll be forced to watch the man I love leave this ship and marry someone he doesn't want to be with! I haven't heard anything from Pike about our relationship and I'm worried that I made the wrong choice in telling him about it in the first place! Spock and I could get booted out of Starfleet all because I thought doing the right thing and telling Pike about it would prevent problems! Does that answer your question why?!?"

The room was silent after Kirk's outburst. They had all known why Kirk was taking the extra anti-depressants, but it still didn't make it right. Still riding on his high, Kirk's smile returned to his face as though he hadn't just revisited the thoughts that had constantly plagued him for four months. "Well, now that we've cleared up my reasons for sneaking more anti-depressants, why don't we get me off of this bed and let me go on my merry way? I've got lots of stuff to do, being the captain and all!"

"No."

Kirk turned his head toward McCoy, who was shaking his head. "You're not going anywhere Jim," McCoy said. "Not until those anti-depressants are out of your system."

An incredulous look spread on Kirk's face. "You're kidding me, right? You're going to keep me strapped to this bed until all the anti-depressants get out of my system?" He blinked as he saw McCoy nod. Laughing, he said, "You can't be serious?!? You're actually going to make me go back to how I was before? Miserable? Focusing on the pain that I have to endure as well as my responsibility as a captain? Stuffing my face with pastries? Is that what you want me to go back to?"

"No," Uhura said. "We want you to go back to who you really are."

"I can't be who I really am without Spock!" He shook his head violently. "None of you understand at all! None of you have been through what I'm going through right now! None of you have as much to lose as I do! All I had before Spock and I were together was the captaincy, and if it weren't for Nero, I wouldn't have even had that!"

"So what are we?" Russell asked angrily. "Just background noise to the wonderful life of Captain James Tiberius Kirk? Inconsequential wastes of space to pass the time until the next time you see Spock? That's just fuckin' beautiful."

Kirk glared at Russell. "I knew you wouldn't understand…"

"No, we get it," Sulu said, now also very frustrated. "Spock is the moon and the stars for you. We're just the space in between that you travel through to get to him. Without him, you don't feel like anything else matters. The entire universe could be destroyed and you wouldn't care as long as Spock was right there next to you. We all have someone we feel that way for Captain, so don't insult us by treating us like we don't."

Chapel's eyes met with McCoy's, and Scotty's with Uhura's. Though no one said anything, they were all thinking the same in silent agreement. Sulu continued, "I can't necessarily say that any of us could handle your situation any better if we were in your shoes, but I can say that going on in this way isn't going to make things any better for you."

"You're putting yourself in danger taking those anti-depressants," McCoy said. "Considering how much you've got coursing through your veins right now, it's a wonder your heart hasn't stopped all together. No one's body is equipped to handle that much! I almost scared to evaluate you and see just how much damage you've done to yourself! Your actions are irresponsible, and I seriously doubt that Spock would approve of them!"

Kirk's head dropped back onto the pillow as he closed his eyes tightly. He couldn't believe this was actually happening. None of this actually seemed real. Maybe if he was lucky the last few months were just part of a horrible nightmare that was about to end. Any minute now he'd open his eyes and find himself lying in bed with Spock curled up next to him.

Unfortunately, when he re-opened his eyes, he was still in the sick bay with the same people staring at him.

"Jim, we're gonna go," Uhura said. "Hopefully the next time we see you, we'll actually see you, and not this doped up version of you."

"Wait!" Kirk attempted to lift himself off of the bed but was once again held down by the restraints. All but Chapel and McCoy were making their way out of the sick bay. "You can't just leave me here! Who's going to do my job?"

McCoy put a hand on Kirk's chest in an effort to calm him down. "It's all under control Jim. Scotty will take over until you've recovered. You need to rest."

"NO!" Kirk screamed. He looked desperately at the retreating figures, only catching the sad eyes of Uhura before she left too. "I need to be running the ship! I need to be on the bridge! Please, don't make me stay here!"

McCoy nodded to Chapel, who grabbed a hypospray from the counter near the bed and injected it into Kirk's neck. He babbled for a while longer before his body went limp and his eyes closed. McCoy sighed and slumped into the stool that sat next to the bed.

Chapel looked at the forlorn doctor and asked, "Are you sure this is wise? Cutting him completely off the anti-depressants will send him into withdrawal. Anything he's gone through before now will seem like nothing in comparison to what he'll go through once the anti-depressants leave his system."

"I know," McCoy said sadly, reaching out a hand to stroke Kirk's hair. "It's the only way though. We tried doing things by the book by weaning him off of the anti-depressants and look where that got us. No, if we want Kirk to stay alive, he has to quit cold turkey."

"But he's bound to suffer terribly from the withdrawals! With as much anti-depressants as he has in his system right now, it's likely he'll have suicidal thoughts!"

"That's why we're strapping him to the bed. If he's tied down he can't hurt anyone, including himself." McCoy took Kirk's hand in both of his and held it tight. The balmy feeling of his skin made him cringe as he contemplated what was going on internally. "I'll stay by his side the entire time. I may not be Spock, but having his best friend by his side in his darkest hour should be enough to help him get through this."

Chapel walked behind Leonard and wrapped her arms around him, leaning against his back. "I really hope so, Leonard."

McCoy nodded and said, "So do I."