Ch 22: Darkest Before the Dawn

Going to see his father on his day off wasn't ideal, but there really was no way around it. Spock was in a very tough position and the only way out of it was to talk to Sarek. After all, the entire point of being stuck on New Vulcan for six months was so that he could reason with his father and show him that his relationship with Kirk was more than the unfortunate scene he had witnessed. He had expected his father to confront him on the matter himself after the way he acted when they last talked, but Spock had seen neither head nor tail of him in the last four months. It didn't help that Spock refused to stay with his father and went straight home when he was done for the day. With as much time that had passed, it was likely that most of the tension between them would be gone and conversing about the subject would be as simple as discussing theories of interstellar travel.

Even with all this in mind, Spock still sat on his bed, struggling to gather the courage to leave Prime's home and visit his father.

He had woken up early that morning and prepared for the day as he would any other day, but when the time actually came for him to leave his room, he found himself rooted to the spot. Fear froze his legs and prevented him from moving forward. The most movement he was able to get from his legs was the few steps he took to return to his bed and sit down.

A heavy sigh rushed out from his lungs as his eyes bored down into the floor beneath him. Why was talking with his father always so hard? Why couldn't he talk with him as easily as he used to talk to his mother? Not even after he nearly choked Kirk to death on the bridge was he able to speak openly without fear. Was it because his father was a Vulcan or was it because he was so afraid of letting him down?

Spock forced himself to stand up after sitting in his room for half an hour. He couldn't let his fear get the better of him. There was no way he'd be able to convince his father that his relationship with Kirk was just as valid as the one he shared with his mother if he remained in room cowering. Breathing deeply and placing one foot in front of the other, Spock exited his room, walked out of Prime's home, and made his way to Sarek's house.

When he reached Sarek's door, he found himself standing in place staring at the door just as he had four months ago. This time however, he stood alone. Prime was not by his side to help raise his confidence or to help soften the blow. No, this was something he had to do without assistance on his own.

He knocked on the door soundly and loudly, hoping that his father had not already left his home for the day. To his mutual relief and horror, the stoic face of his father appeared from behind the door that opened before him. The face remained emotionless save for his eyes, which conveyed a mix of emotions.

In an even voice, Sarek spoke. "Spock. It is surprising to see you at my home this early in the day. Is not today your scheduled day of rest?"

"It is," Spock said in an equally even voice. "I would like to discuss the matter of my relationship with Captain Kirk with you. That is, of course, if you have the time."

Sarek nodded. "I do indeed have the time. Come in."

Spock walked inside Sarek's home and waited for Sarek to close the door behind him. The two Vulcans faced each other and briefly stood in silence, one assessing the other. Sarek spoke first, "It has been four months since last we spoke. Are things going well?"

"Aside from being apart from my life mate against my will," Spock said, "yes, things are going well."

Raising an eyebrow, Sarek said, "I apologize that I have disrupted your sexual activities, but I felt it necessary for there to be distance between you and Captain Kirk."

Spock's face hardened. Things were already going poorly with the conversation. He was already somewhat emotionally volatile for the lack of contact with Kirk he had suffered the last three months. For reasons beyond his comprehension, Kirk had not responded to any of their nightly communications. Every time he reached out to Kirk, he was either doing something around the ship or was already asleep. It was possible Spock just didn't know what was going on and thus had no explanation for Kirk's sudden unresponsiveness, but it was still peculiar that Kirk hadn't even notified him of anything that was happening.

Keeping his face emotionless save his fiery eyes, Spock responded, "I had thought that in four months time you would no longer be reacting to what happened in Prime's living room."

Coolly, Sarek said, "Prime is still not allowed to enter my house without knocking; what makes you think I would so easily forget what I saw?"

Spock turned from his father, the anger that boiled in the pit of his stomach becoming harder to contain as they spoke. "Four months Spock," Sarek continued. "Four months with absolutely no contact from you. How did you propose you would change my opinion without speaking to me? We Vulcans may be telepathic, but some things still require verbal clarification."

"I did not wish to see you," Spock said through gritted teeth.

"Whether you desired to see me or not is not in question," Sarek said. "Your relationship with Captain Kirk is. For one who needs to validate his relationship to his father, your actions have not done well to back your argument up."

Spock's hands balled up into tight fists as he continued to fight the anger that was swiftly rising inside of him. Not even five minutes had gone by and already he felt a need to evacuate the premises to avoid acting on his emotions. He couldn't do it. There was still far too much anger and resentment between them for them to speak civilly. He turned on his heel and walked past his father. The door was inches away from him when his father's words stopped him in place.

"It seems that you are unable to come up with a convincing enough falsehood to change my judgment of your so called 'relationship' with Captain Kirk. I almost regret that I will be deprived of your feeble effort to persuade me to support your fornications with your superior officer. For your sake I hope the captain is better at telling tall tales to Starfleet."

Slowly Spock turned around and faced Sarek, the full fury that he had bottled inside bursting from within him onto his face. If Sarek hadn't known any better, he would've thought he was looking straight in to the face of the Devil himself. Spock took one step closer to his father, then another, then another, and then another. With each step, he spoke, "I will NOT. Have you. Insult me. And Captain Kirk. Any further."

Sarek countered the deadly look on Spock's face with one of his own. He too took a step forward and said, "Then explain yourself. And do choose your words carefully, as I will be scrutinizing each and every one that passes your lips."

It was hot. Way too hot. If it weren't for the straps that held him down on the medical bed, Kirk would have thought that he was sitting in a sauna. Though his eyes were closed he did not sleep. Sweat poured from his body and soaked into his uniform. He wanted to move, he wanted to stretch his tense muscles and run as far from sick bay as he could, but he was bound to the bed against his will.

That damnable doctor, said a voice in his head. The voice was so dark and menacing he was barely able to recognize it as his own. What the hell does he know about what I need? Strapping me to the bed like this…what gives him the right?

It's for your own good, came another voice, this one sounding much more like him but much calmer. You're not well. You need to rest and purge yourself of the poison in your blood.

It's not poison!Yet another voice spoke, this one more frantic and nervous sounding. It's medicine! It makes us feel good! It makes the pain go away! It's all we have now; it's the only thing that makes us happy! Spock's gone, long gone. He's never coming back. We've lost him forever. All is lost…

That's not true. Spock is coming back in another two months. That's why you have to get better now. You can't let him see you like this…

Bitter laughter rang in Kirk's ears. He already knows! We're bound by a life bond! His pain is my pain and vice versa! He knows the horrible mess that I'm in and he wants nothing of it! That's why he hasn't spoken to me in so long…

He hasn't spoken to you because you're not yourself! You're right in saying that he knows exactly what you're going through right now, but you're wrong in thinking he's abandoning you! He's bound by his word to his father!

It's all over…what else do we have to live for? He was everything…now we have nothing… The frantic voice sobbed. It's hopeless…we should just end it all now and be done with the pain!

Stop it! This isn't like you! You don't just give up because things get a little rough! That's not the James Tiberius Kirk that everyone knows and loves!

No one loves us…the only person who loved us was Spock, and he's gone now. There's no one and nothing left…

Screw him! I don't need him! I'm fine by myself! I've always been alone, I'll always be alone, and I'm going to die alone! That's just how it is! He was just a passenger riding along with me as I shuffled along through this miserable existence I'm supposed to call my life. He hopped off as soon as he got the chance and is living his own life now…just like everyone else…

He's left us…just like everyone else…

The voice of reason was beginning to lose its calm, soothing tone. He's not like everyone else! He's the one you've always wanted in your life! The one person that loves you for who you are, quirks and all!

Please…don't make me laugh. I'm sure his father's convincing him that I'm a horrible choice as a life mate as we speak. He probably wishes he never broke things off with Uhura…that or he's thinking seriously about marrying T'Maire. At least his engagement to her is actually recognized…

Don't say that! He needs you!

He doesn't need me…I need him.

We need him…we need him here. He needs to be here with us! Oh God, why isn't he here?!?

Spock…

Spock…

McCoy held Kirk's hand tightly as he struggled against his restraints. He had been talking in his sleep for the last half hour and now he was simply chanting Spock's name over and over again. Chapel watched on in mute sadness as she saw McCoy do all he could to try and reassure Kirk. McCoy stroked Kirk's wet hair off of his sweaty forehead and shushed him like a mother would her child.

"It's okay Jim; you're going to get through this. You've reached the hardest part, just hang in there…"

Eyes clenched and his face contorted in a pained expression, Kirk continued to say Spock's name over and over.

"Spock….Spock……Spock……."

Spock….Spock……Spock…….

The pained sound of Kirk chanting Spock name as though it were a mantra reverberated inside of Spock's skull. He didn't realize it but he had fallen down to his knees and was clutching his head. He was wracked with so much agony and anguish that he thought he would be torn apart. What little self-awareness he had left told him that the pain he felt wasn't his; it was Kirk's.

Sarek stared at him in quiet shock, unsure of whether he should reach down and touch his son or give him a moment to recollect himself. His paternal instinct kicked in and forced him down to his knees. He reached out and grabbed Spock's shoulders, giving him a gentle shake.

"Spock!" he said. He was amazed at how small and frightened his voice sounded as he said his son's name. Moments ago their eyes were locked in a fierce staring match; now it was like none of that had happened. "Spock, can you hear me?"

Through the piercing pain and the sound of Kirk's voice, he was able to hear his father calling to him. Using more effort than he was used to, he forced himself to focus on the world around him and ignore his beloved's pain through their link. His eyes squinted at his father, whose eyes were wide with concern. He had never seen his father look so afraid in his life; when he looked into his eyes, he could see the fear of losing the last of his family.

Taking a few deep breaths before trying to talk, Spock rasped, "Yes, I hear you father."

"What is wrong?" Sarek's voice now quivered as he spoke. "Are you hurt?"

Spock shook his head. "No, I am not hurt…but Jim is."

Sarek's eyes widened when he heard his son refer to Kirk in such an informal way. Despite their life bond, Spock always referred to him as 'Captain Kirk'. Using Kirk's first name so casually meant that something horribly wrong was happening to him. "What has become of Captain Kirk?"

"I…I do not know for certain…" Spock said. He winced as the pain flowed into him despite his efforts to block it out. "He is in a great deal of pain…it is flowing into me through our link. I am trying to block it out, but I cannot. He is trying to reach out to me…" Gathering his strength, he stood on his feet. Wobbling in place he said, "I must go to him…"

"You will do no such thing!" Sarek said as he stood. He held Spock to keep him from falling. "You have no idea what could be wrong! For all you know, he has been captured and is being tortured! You will stay here! Contact the Enterprise if you need to, but you will not leave New Vulcan, especially not in your state!"

Smoldering eyes glared at Sarek. For a moment he faltered under his son's intense gaze, but he remained firm. Spock reached out a hand and rasped, "Feel his pain…through me…"

Sarek allowed Spock to place his hand on his face and initiate a mind meld. In an instant, white hot pain wracked his body. It took everything he had to keep himself from falling down to the floor and taking Spock with him. His knees buckled but he remained standing. The sound of Spock's voice being repeated over and over by Kirk echoed in his ears. With Spock now reaching out to Kirk to determine the cause of his pain, Sarek was able to see that the pain was rooted in their separation. Kirk's heart called out to Spock because he could not bear to be apart from him. In all Sarek's years of life and the many mind melds he had performed, not a single being he had ever encountered experienced despair and pain such as this simply from being separated from their one true love.

The meld was broken just before Sarek collapsed down to the floor along with Spock. His hands shook as he placed one on his head and the other on his heart. The pain he suffered from losing Amanda was nothing compared to this. He didn't know how the seemingly invincible Captain James T. Kirk was rendered so defenseless to such suffering; As if hearing his father's thoughts, Spock was quick to answer his question.

"I am his first true love," Spock said, gasping. "I am the only one for whom he lowers all his defenses for. We have been together every day since we first confessed our love for each other. Only once did I spend longer than a day apart from him, and that was to falsify the life bond with T'Maire. When I decided to stay on New Vulcan as suddenly as I did, he was left as vulnerable as a man in a frozen wasteland with no clothing to protect him from the cold."

Spock smirked cruelly at his father, who was still staring at him in disbelief. "Captain Kirk may seem like nothing in the world could harm him, but that is only because I have always been by his side. He was able to tap into that strength before he met me, but it was only after we joined together as one that he was able to truly reach his full potential. When I am with him, he feels as though he could take on the entire universe all by himself. Now that I am gone, he is drowning in a deep pit of sorrow. All of his insecurities are tormenting him, and have been since the day I left his side. If you do not let me go back and renew his self-confidence, I do not see how he can last longer than a few days."

It was incredible. Not only was Kirk grieving for a mate that still lived as if they had been tragically killed, but his own pain seemed as though it were slowly yet effectively killing him as well. After hearing, seeing, and feeling what he had, there was no way Sarek could ignore his son's request. Yet and still, six months was what was promised, and six months he would remain on the planet.

"Spock," Sarek said softly. His sharp edge from earlier was all but gone now. "I have felt the bond that you and Kirk share and I am now beginning to understand your relationship with him, but six months have yet to pass. Only today have you spoken to me in four months time. There is still so much I do not know…"

"Three days," Spock said, now desperate. He didn't have the luxury of time to sit and explain things to his father now. The longer he delayed, the less likely Kirk would be able to recover. "Give me three days and your fastest ship. I will go back to the Enterprise, help Captain Kirk recover, and then come back to finish the duration of my six months here. But if you do not let me go, you condemn Captain Kirk to a slow and painful death."

Spock's eyes narrowed and his voice lowered to a rumble. "If you force me to stay here and allow that to happen, I swear on my mother's soul that I will sever all familial ties with you and never speak to you again."

Spock's resolve was clear. Sarek no longer needed validation for their relationship; it was plain to see that theirs was a true love. Knowing that, he could never let his son's life mate die. Swallowing his pride, Sarek nodded and said, "Go. Hurry."

Giving his father a short look of adoration and thanks, Spock nodded and rushed to his feet. His head swam for a moment and he had to put a hand on the wall to steady himself. When he had regained his bearings, he rushed out of Sarek's bedroom. Sarek said a silent prayer that his son made it to Kirk's side in time, and then began berating himself for ever doubting their relationship.

"Amanda," he said out loud. "I have been such a fool…"

McCoy was beginning to look like a wilted flower as he clung on to Kirk's hand. Kirk was in horrible shape; his heartbeat was completely erratic, his blood pressure through the roof, and he was on the brink of hyperventilation. Reluctantly, he rose from his seat and grabbed a hypospray filled with a stabilizer. He injected the hypospray into Kirk's neck and relaxed as the readings on the screen above the bed came closer to the green levels. Sadly, they still remained high.

The anti-depressants were now completely out of his system, but that wasn't the problem. The problem now was the three months of dependence that Kirk had built up in his body. He had expected a violent reaction, but nothing like this. As morbid a thought as it was, McCoy couldn't help but wonder if his best friend would even last the night.

A warm hand touched him on the shoulder and made him jump. He turned to see Chapel standing behind him, staring back at him with a concerned look on her face. "Leonard," she whispered, "you've been watching him for ten straight hours. If you're going to be of any use to him, you'll need to rest."

McCoy shook his head. "No. I'm not leaving his side until the worst is over."

"Leonard, you need rest! If you push yourself too hard, what am I going to do without you? What is the ship going to do without you? And what about the Captain? You can't help him if you're incapacitated too!"

McCoy took Chapel's hand and kissed it gently. Smiling, he said, "I'll be fine Christine, really!"

Chapel shook her head and protested, "No, I'm not going to let you go without sleep to keep an eye on him! Let me help, please! Go to your quarters and sleep, even if only for a couple of hours, and let me watch over him!"

Sighing, McCoy looked down briefly then remade eye contact with Chapel. Her bright blue eyes sparkled beautifully with worry. He gave her a half-smile and said, "Alright, tell you what. I'll go take an hour nap in my quarters and leave you in charge while I'm gone."

"Only an hour?" Chapel protested, still not pleased with McCoy's intentions.

"Yes, only an hour," McCoy replied. "That's all I'll need to keep myself going until Jim pulls out of this. That means I won't be gone long enough for something to go wrong and I'll get sleep like you want me to. Now if that's not good enough for you then I'll scrap the whole idea and just stay where I am."

She bit her lip and said, "Oh alright. Go take an hour nap…"

McCoy bent down and kissed Chapel on the forehead, giving her a smile he reserved only for her. "Thanks Christine. I'll be back in an hour."

Chapel watched as McCoy walked out of the sick bay and sighed. She was glad he reserved his Southern charm for her alone; if he was more open with it, she was absolutely sure that she'd have to beat the girls off of him with a stick. She walked over to the chair McCoy had spent ten hours sitting in and held Kirk's hand. Her eyes widened at the heat that emanated from his hand and body; the temperature on the monitor above the bed read 101.9 degrees Fahrenheit. She looked at Kirk with an increasingly worried look. Kirk needed to break that fever or he risked serious damage to his body.

To her surprise, Kirk's eyes opened and stared at her. He had spent most of the time he had been strapped to the bed unconscious and babbling, but it seemed that the sedative that McCoy had given him earlier was finally wearing off. His irises were dilated so much that there was barely any blue to be seen in his eyes.

Kirk smiled wearily at Chapel when his bleary, sleep filled eyes focused on her face. "Christine," he rasped. "I'm so glad to see you…Bones isn't here is he?"

Chapel shook her head and said, "No, I made him go to his quarters. He's been by your side for ten hours straight now. If it were up to him, he'd probably fall asleep in this very chair keeping an eye on you."

Smiling, Kirk said, "Bones is a good guy…and you're a good girl for him…" His smile turned into a grin as he saw her blush at his compliment. "Hey Christine…listen…I know McCoy's not keen on the idea, but since he's not here, do you think you could give me a small dosage of anti-depressants? Not one of the potent ones I was using before, just one of the weaker ones. I'm feeling more like myself now, but I just need something small to pick me back up. I promise, no more sneaking in and giving myself the strong stuff, you have my word as captain."

Eyes wide, Chapel shook her head. "I'm really sorry Captain, but I can't do that. The moment McCoy came back in here and found anti-depressants in your system, he'd know exactly who to blame."

"Aww, it'll be fine," Kirk reassured her. "It'd just be a small dose so it'd be okay. Then my body would go back to its normal behavior and you can send me off on my merry way! Besides, he'd commend you for using your best judgment while he was gone!"

Chapel shook her head again, this time more violently. "I'm sorry but I can't. I really can't."

"Christine," Kirk begged, "please. I'm in a lot of pain right now. All I can think about is the fact that Spock isn't here with me. I can't function like this! I have no way of knowing how much of this I can handle! Please Christine…just a little bit more and I promise that'll be it. Just give me a little bit more to get me through the night. Please?"

The pain in his voice pulled at Chapel's heart. As if in a trance, she rose from her seat and said, "Alright…just one more…no more after that, but I'll give you one more dose…" She turned from Kirk's bed and walked over to the cabinet where the hyposprays were kept. She found one with the weakest anti-depressant there was and made her way back to Kirk's bed.

A few steps away from the bed, the sick bay door opened up to reveal McCoy. The smile he had on his face quickly disappeared when he saw the hypospray in Chapel's hand and recognized it as an anti-depressant hypospray.

"Christine!"

Chapel whirled around with wide eyes and tried to hide the hypospray behind her back. She tried to smile, but in her nervousness it looked more like a grimace. "Leonard!" she exclaimed. "I thought you were going to take a nap? You barely just left a few minutes ago!"

McCoy's eyes narrowed. "I was going to tell you that you should give Jim another sedative to help him sleep, but it seems you had other plans."

"Wh-what are you talking about?!?" Chapel laughed nervously. "I was just about to give him a sedative!"

He marched over to Chapel and snatched the hypospray from behind her back. He held it firmly in his hand and shook it in front of her face. "Do you think I'm an idiot? I know an anti-depressant hypospray when I see one! I'm not the ship's chief medical officer for nothing you know, so don't insult my intelligence!"

Chapel winced at the harsh tone that McCoy gave her. Since the shore leave he had been gentler with the way he talked to her when they were on duty; this was the first time in a while that she heard him berate her.

"I told you he needs to go cold turkey! He just got the last of what was in his system out! It'd be stupid to put more back in! What were you thinking?"

"Bones!" Kirk's voice caught McCoy off guard. He expected him to still be sleeping, but it looked like the sedative had worn off. Kirk begged, "Please Bones don't be mad at her! She's just trying to help that's all! Tell you what; since it's already out, why not just give me the dose, huh? It doesn't have to be a big one, hell it doesn't even have to be a full one! You can just inject like half of it in me and that'd be fine!"

"No!" McCoy took the hypospray and put it back in the cabinet where it belonged before facing Kirk. "You're quitting that stuff cold turkey and that's that! I'll have no more talks of 'one more dose', you hear me?"

"Dammit Bones, just give me the damned hypospray!" Kirk screamed. "I need another dose! Come on, please, just give it to me!"

Furious, McCoy whirled around and pulled out a hypospray. Kirk didn't know it by sight, but Chapel and McCoy both knew it was their most potent sedative. McCoy walked over to Kirk's side as Kirk said, "Oh my God, thank you! Thank you thank you thank you so much!"

"Don't thank me," McCoy said angrily. "This isn't an anti-depressant. It's our strongest sedative. So help me you will sleep through these withdrawal symptoms if it's the last thing I do."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Filled with what seemed like inhuman strength, Kirk's body bucked on the bed and struggled against the restraints. He moved his body so violently that the bed actually started rocking from side to side. McCoy was now gladder than ever that the medical beds were bolted to the floor. Kirk had reached the peak of his withdrawal and if it weren't for the restraints, he wouldn't even think of approaching him.

As McCoy slowly made his way over to Kirk from the cabinet, Kirk snarled at him. "NO! You keep that shit away from me! Don't you put anymore of that sedative shit in me! I want an anti-depressant dammit! I'm the captain of this fucking ship! I order you to give me an anti-depressant this instant!"

McCoy shouted to Chapel, "Christine, hold him down! I can't inject him with this if he's flopping around like a fish!"

Chapel attempted to hold Kirk down but was barely able to make a difference. Above the bed, Kirk's vitals were spiking. He screamed, "NOOO! GET AWAY FROM ME!!! SPOCK! SPOOOOOOCK!"

The door to sick bay swooshed open to reveal Spock clad in a dark gray Vulcan suit. His chest heaved from his sprint down the hall from the transporter room. He gasped, "I am here…"

Chapel and McCoy froze in place when they saw Spock standing in the doorway. Kirk instantly stopped screaming and rocking on the bed when he heard Spock's voice and saw his face. Miraculously, his vitals began to drop closer to the green levels. A smile spread on his face as he said, "Spock…it's you, right? It…it really is you…right?"

Spock walked across the room toward his restrained fiancé. Chapel moved out of his way and allowed him to stand next to Kirk. The two men's faces mirrored wide grins as Spock nodded and said, "Yes Jim, it really is me. I am right here with you."

McCoy took the opportunity to inject the hypospray into Kirk's neck. Kirk was so focused on Spock's face that he didn't even notice it. The only think Kirk focused on was the smiling face of the man he was so worried that he wouldn't see again. The world around him began fading to darkness around Spock's face. As his eyelids closed, he said, "You're here…I'm so…glad…you're……here…"

The sound of Spock's voice was the last thing he heard before he fell into a deep sleep:

"You know I will always be here when you need me most…"