Ch 23: Silver Linings
For hours on end there was nothing but darkness. Kirk saw nothing and felt nothing. If he didn't know any better, he would've thought that he had died in his sleep. As consciousness slowly returned to him, the voices began conversing amongst themselves once again.
He's come back…he's come back! Did you see? Did you see?!? He's come back to us! He didn't leave us after all!
Of course he came back. He loves you. He heard you crying out to him and came as quickly as he could. That is the power of your love. Light years away from you and he still heard your voice and felt your pain.
It's a lie… Ever the pessimist, the darker voice denied the truth. He's not really here…it was all a dream. That's right…it had to be. There's no way he would drop everything and rush to my side just like that. No way at all…
A dream? No…it can't be…we saw him. We felt his presence. He has to be here, he just has to be!
He is here.
No he's not! I'm just seeing things! I'm delusional from the withdrawal!
No! He really is here! Quit trying to deny it and feel around you!
A familiar comforting presence surrounded Kirk like a warm blanket. When he focused on the presence, he recognized it as Spock's. His body was still bound to the bed, but he felt Spock's hand holding on to his. Spock's love and worry flowed through their touch like water from a faucet. There was no mistaking it. Spock really had returned to him.
Kirk felt himself rising out of his subconscious and opened his eyes to look at the world around him. Just as he expected, Spock sat in a chair to his left, his sad brown eyes looking down at him. Though he had expected to see him, the relief that filled him from seeing his face still brought tears to his eyes. He wanted to say a million different things, but in the end, he could only manage to say one thing before his eyes overflowed.
"Spock…"
Kirk wanted to reach up and hug Spock, but the straps prevented him from moving at all. Knowing that Kirk wasn't going to harm himself now that he was with him, Spock unfastened the straps and quickly flung them off of his body. After the last strap had been undone, Kirk threw himself at Spock and wailed like a newborn child. Spock's shoulder quickly grew damp from the tears that spilled from Kirk's eyes at an alarming rate. They held each other so tightly that there would likely be bruises on their bodies. The sorrow that had been eating Spock alive for four months poured out of his eyes as he too began to cry.
"I am sorry," Spock blubbered. "I am so very sorry. I never should have left your side. I let my father intimidate me…"
"I don't care about that right now," Kirk sobbed. "I'm just glad you're back. I'm so glad you're back."
"If I had known the pain you were suffering, I would have come back sooner. You must think me an unfeeling monster…"
"No, no. I don't. You're so beautiful. Oh God, how I've missed you…"
Kirk pulled back and took Spock's face in his hands. He took a moment to drink in the beauty of Spock's creamy pale skin and presses his lips against his. He wanted to overload his senses with everything that was Spock. He breathed Spock's scent in deeply and relished the sweet taste and feel of his mouth as he kissed him.
Spock allowed himself to let out a moan as he felt himself drowning in all that was Kirk. It surprised him how being deprived of physical contact with his life mate for a mere four months had such a large effect on him. He hadn't realized it, but his soul had been aching for the last four months. There was a void in his life that nothing seemed to fill while they were apart. The sun itself seemed to shine less brightly without Kirk. The body he had inhabited since they parted had been a mere shell; he felt whole again now that he was back where he belonged.
Their kiss was broken only because neither could breathe. They gasped in unison with their foreheads pressed against each other, their eyes closed. When their tears stopped flowing, they found themselves laughing. Technically there was nothing to laugh about, but both were so happy to finally be with each other that the laughter spilled out as uncontrollably as their tears had.
Behind the door of his office, McCoy stood silently with his back to the door as he heard the two men share an emotional moment as they were reunited. A bitter smile made the corners of his mouth curl upwards. A stabbing pain swirled in the center of his chest. He thought to himself, I guess even after all I've said and done, the pain still hasn't gone away... The laugh that escaped his lips was harsh and short. I guess some wounds never fully heal…
McCoy collected himself and left his office to speak with them. The touching scene before him both warmed his heart and made it ache. Damn it all…I shouldn't still feel this way! He cleared his throat, causing the two men who hadn't noticed his presence to jump and pull apart.
He couldn't believe how much better Kirk looked now that Spock was back. The sparkle in his eyes had already returned and his skin had its usual glow. The only remnants of the last four months of agony were the dark circles around his eyes. McCoy couldn't help but resent the immediate effect Spock had on Kirk, no matter how beneficial it was. Not once in the last four months was McCoy able to get even a glimmer of Kirk's old self to resurface when all Spock had to do was show his face to make Kirk do a complete one-eighty.
I guess there's no cure for a lonely heart other than that which makes it feel complete…
"Well Jim," McCoy said, trying to keep his voice as smooth and calm as he could despite the conflicting feelings he felt inside of him, "it seems that you've recovered beautifully. I'm glad to see that the day you spent sedated helped to ease your withdrawal symptoms, though I'm sure Spock's presence had a greater effect on that than anything I did."
"Bones…" Kirk said, hearing the pain in McCoy's voice despite his best efforts to hide it.
McCoy continued, not wanting to hear anything Kirk had to say on the matter. "Since Spock has deemed your restraints no longer necessary, I'm clearing you for duty. If you wish, you can leave sick bay and do whatever you want."
Kirk looked at Spock briefly then returned his attention to McCoy's face. McCoy said nothing further, but hoped and prayed that Kirk would stop looking at him. In his current state, he wasn't sure if he would be able to maintain his composure. He had a new respect for Vulcans, who could easily suppress emotions like his without even really trying. Relief washed over him as he saw Kirk nod at him and leave the sick bay.
Spock had risen from his seat and was going to follow him when McCoy stopped him. He reached out with his arm and prevented Spock from moving any further. "Spock," he said, his tone deadly serious. "I'd like you to stay behind for a moment. I need to talk to you."
Raising an eyebrow, Spock turned to McCoy and said, "What do you wish to discuss Doctor McCoy? I request that you keep the discussion short, as I only have another two days before I must return to New Vulcan."
"You're going back?" McCoy asked. His composure quickly melted away when he heard that Spock hadn't intended to return to duty aboard the Enterprise. His eyes narrowed as he said, "What was the point of coming back if you were just going to leave again? Do you have any idea what Kirk went through during the last four months?"
Spock looked down and said, "I only have a small idea of what he has gone through. He reached me through our link while he was in the sick bay. I had wondered why he had suddenly stopped responding to me when I tried contacting him through our link at night…"
McCoy's fist clenched and unclenched as he resisted the urge to punch Spock in the face. "You have no idea…you only saw a glimpse of the misery he's been through… You burst in here and show your face to him and after all that we've done to try and keep him sane, all it takes is one look into your eyes to bring him back to normal. One look at your face and all the pain and suffering he went through is completely forgotten and forgiven. Well I can't forgive you so easily!"
Spock's eyes were wide as he saw McCoy erupt with anger. Out of all the people he expected to be upset with him for being gone, McCoy wasn't one of the people he had counted on. McCoy grabbed him roughly by his shirt and glared at him with his piercing blue eyes. Too long. He had held in his contempt for the green-blooded Vulcan for too long. It was time that he let it all out.
"You have no idea how much trouble you cause for him! You've been a thorn in my side for months, but I've held my tongue for Jim's sake! Well I've remained quiet for long enough! Jim would've been much better off if he never fell in love with you! I know he doesn't think that anything that he's put up with until now has been unacceptable, but it makes me sick to think that someone like you is the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with!"
Spock's surprised eyes turned hard and cold. He grabbed the hand that McCoy held on to his shirt with and applied just enough force to cause him pain. McCoy didn't give Spock the pleasure of seeing him wince though. He clenched his jaw and continued to glare angrily at the Vulcan.
"You tell me that I know nothing of the pain that Jim has been through, but you know nothing of the bond we share, nor do you want to. You would much rather focus on any suffering Jim goes through that is related to our relationship so that you can use it against me instead of seeing how happy I make him!"
"Big words coming from someone that didn't get to watch a part of Jim die while he was gone!" Spock flinched from the words; McCoy saw the crack in his armor and began hacking at it verbally. "That's right Spock, Jim shut down after you left. He stopped taking care of himself and was barely able to function as captain! I gave him anti-depressants to try and get him through the time you'd be gone, only to have him become addicted to them and sneak in to sick bay to give himself more!
"All you saw of his suffering was the climax; I was there for the entire buildup! And then you have the nerve, the absolute nerve, to come in here and tell me I don't know anything about what you two share? I know enough to know what being apart from you did to him! And after all that he went through, you plan to make him go through it all over again? For how long? How long will he have to suffer this time, huh?"
"I made an agreement with my father!" Spock shouted. "I agreed to stay with him for six months in order to preserve Jim's career! Our life bond is not recognized by the Vulcan High Council! If I chose to go against my father's request, he would have made sure that Jim and I would be separated permanently and could never get married! The agony he went through in the last four months would be nothing compared to what he would suffer if I allowed that to happen!"
"I say the whole problem is that he chose to be with you in the first place!"
"Why? Because he should have chose you instead of me?"
"YES!"
There. Now it was out in the open. Spock had known it and McCoy had thought it, even expressed it to Kirk. But now Spock heard the words clearly from McCoy's own mouth.
Spock shook his head. His voice full of contempt, he said, "Your selfishness is astounding for one that claims to have Jim's best interests in mind."
"I do have Jim's best interests in mind," McCoy said. "Why else would I believe he would be better off with me than with you?"
"What about Christine?" Spock asked. "Is she merely there to keep your mind off of Jim then? Or are you simply incapable of putting your feelings behind you?"
"My relationship with Christine is none of your business!"
"It is when all the effort you should be putting into it is being diverted to my fiancé!"
The two men glared at each other. McCoy released Spock's shirt and snatched his hand out of his grip. In a low rumble, he said, "If you leave Jim alone on this ship and he has to go through all that all over again, I can't hold myself accountable for what I do in your absence."
"Then I do not hold myself accountable for what I will do to you when I return."
Spock turned and walked toward the door. To his and McCoy's mutual surprise, Chapel was standing in the door, face frozen in an expression of shock and wet with tears. Her eyes went back and forth between Spock and McCoy before running down the hall.
McCoy rushed to the door and pushed Spock out of his way. "Christine!" he cried. When he saw her disappear down the hall without turning back to him, he cursed and pounded the wall. He glared up at Spock who simply raised an eyebrow at him and walked out of the sick bay, leaving McCoy to mourn yet another relationship that he had screwed up.
All eyes were on Kirk when he walked onto the bridge. It was clear that no one really knew what to make of his presence. Knowing that they had every right to be leery of him after the way he behaved for the last four months, he silently went to his seat on the bridge and sat down. Without saying a word to anyone on the bridge, he pressed a button on the arm of his chair and spoke into the intercom. His voice resounded throughout the entire ship as he made his announcement:
This is Captain Kirk speaking. I would like to formally apologize to the entire ship for my behavior during the last four months. I…I was not myself. However, I can assure you that I will not allow myself to derail as drastically as I did again. You deserve better from a captain, and I will ensure that I strive to be the captain you all need and deserve. I hope that you all will forgive me.
He thumbed the intercom off and sighed heavily, aiming sad eyes at those on the bridge with him. They all looked at him sadly, knowing what the cause had been for his peculiar behavior. An engineering ensign spoke for everyone on the bridge and likely the ship:
"We understand, Captain. We know how much Commander Spock means to you. I'm sure if any of us were in your position, we would've been devastated as well. Seeing you like that reminds us that you're only human, just like the rest of us."
"I know there's a lot of pressure on you to be your best," a science officer sitting in Spock's usual seat said, "but don't think you should carry your burdens all alone sir. A ship's crew may only be as good as their captain, but the captain can only be his best if his crew supports him at all times. I don't know if everyone aboard feels this way, but when you feel your resolve weakening for any reason, don't hesitate to turn to us for help."
The nods of all members on the bridge coupled with the random words of reassurance from those around him were too much for Kirk in his already emotional state. The anti-depressants were already out of his system and he was no longer suffering from withdrawal symptoms, but he was still rather fragile. He had to clench his jaws and blink rapidly to keep himself from crying in front of his crew members, who had nothing but respect and adoration for him.
With misty eyes, he simply smiled and said quietly, "Thank you all. I appreciate your support."
The touching moment was interrupted by the sound of Lieutenant Melendez swirling in her chair and saying, "Captain, I have a transmission coming in from Starfleet Command. Admiral Pike wants to speak to you in private."
Kirk's eyes grew wide. Normally when Pike called in, Kirk was the one to redirect it to his room. To have Pike request it immediately meant either he simply wanted to talk without prying ears around, or that he had bad news. He rose from his chair and said, "Patch him through to my quarters."
"Yes sir," Melendez said, as she pressed the right buttons on her console to do so.
Kirk entered the elevator and took a moment to look at the crew members on the bridge. Some had returned to their posts and were working as diligently as before, but some were still looking at him. He smiled and gave them all a nod, receiving smiles and nods in return. As the elevator descended, he found himself prouder than ever to be a captain of the Enterprise.
Spock sat in his room meditating when he suddenly heard T'Maire's voice in his head. Spock? Spock, can you hear me?
His eyes flew open in surprise. T'Maire was contacting him? But why now? They had been in contact periodically since he had left the Enterprise, but something in her voice told him that her contacting him was in regards to something important. Spock reached out to T'Maire's mind and answered: Yes T'Maire. I can hear you. What is the matter? Has something happened?
The normally musical tone of T'Maire voice that he was used to wasn't present when she spoke. Yes, she said in an uncharacteristically angry tone, something has indeed happened. The council is refusing to strike our life bond from the record.
Spock's eyes doubled in size. What? On what grounds?
T'Maire quoted T'Pau's declaration in an overly pompous sounding voice. 'The life bond between T'Maire and Spock cannot be terminated by anyone other than Sarek, as he was entrusted with the choosing of Spock's life mate. Unless he deems it necessary, the life bond and engagement of T'Maire and Spock will remain intact.' She scoffed bitterly. They're determined to treat us like children who don't know any better.
Spock's eyes narrowed. This was unacceptable. The Vulcan High Council was going too far; they were now forcing the entire Vulcan race to conform to a way of life that was overly oppressive and restrictive considering their situation. When they said they would do all they could to preserve their culture, Spock never expected they would become dictator-like in nature. This had gone far enough.
T'Maire, we are not the only ones that are suffering from the High Council's constrictive ways. It has come to my attention that there are others who are in unfavorable engagements because the High Council believes we are not capable of making logical choices on our own.
Through their link, Spock could sense T'Maire nodding in agreement. I'm not surprised. It seems they think that with our race being in its dire state, everyone will choose mates of other races without their supervision. They're so anxious to rebuild our population they're not even thinking clearly themselves, yet they treat us like we are the ones who are compromised!
Indeed, Spock agreed. I am currently back on the Enterprise, but I plan to return to New Vulcan in two days time; when I do, I will do what I can to get the waves of change to flow. I will keep you posted on my progress.
Wait a minute…you're back on the Enterprise? But why? Has something happened?
Spock remained silent for a brief moment before answering her. Yes…Jim had a breakdown in my absence. I returned to the Enterprise to ensure his recovery.
T'Maire gasped audibly. Is he alright?
Yes, he is now. He was in rather bad shape before I returned though. His pain reached me through our mind link and I beseeched my father to allow me to go.
He didn't give you any trouble, did he?
Spock smirked. He did, but I managed to persuade him to see things my way.
T'Maire caught Spock's meaning without him having to delve too far into detail about it. She laughed in response and said, You always were rather convincing in your arguments…
Indeed. My father seems to think so as well.
Well, I won't trouble you any further on the matter then. It seems you have your own battles to fight, and you're in a better position to fight them than I am. Let me know if they're anything I can do on my end to help.
I will, he said, smiling through their link. Take care T'Maire.
You too, Spock.
He felt T'Maire presence leave him and sighed heavily. He uncrossed his legs and rubbed his face with his hands. It seemed that just as things began to get better, things immediately found a way to get worse. He rose from his place on the floor and walked out of his room. Kirk was likely either on the bridge or in his room; right now, Spock needed to be near him.
"What can I do for you Admiral Pike?"
Pike smiled and said, "At ease Jim; this is a private channel. We can speak freely."
Kirk relaxed. "Ah, right, okay. So, what's up Chris?" Kirk couldn't help but grimace a bit at the overly informal use of Pike's first name. He may have requested it personally, but that didn't mean that he felt comfortable using it. Or at least he wasn't comfortable yet anyway.
Pike laughed lightly at Kirk's grimace. "I have good news for you and Spock! I know it took a while to get back to you about this, but you know how things are with Starfleet. Command has reviewed the nature of your relationship and they've just given word that they approve of it. Congratulations Jim. You and Spock now have Starfleet's official blessing."
Kirk grinned and laughed loudly. He felt as if a gigantic weight had been lifted off of his chest. One of their biggest obstacles had just been removed. Starfleet was okay with his engagement to Spock. He continued to laugh as his heart swelled with happiness.
"Chris, you have just given me the best news I've heard in four months! You have no idea how much better that makes me feel!"
Smirking, Pike said, "I can imagine. Glad I was able to add a silver lining to your dark clouds. Well, I can't linger, I just wanted to let you know that things will start getting a little easier for you and Spock now."
"Thanks," Kirk said, still beaming. "I was in serious need of some good news. I'll be sure to pass the word on to Spock. Take care, Chris."
"You too Jim."
When the transmission ended, Kirk leaned back in his chair and spun around, his arms high above his head as he cheered. Now no matter what happened with Spock's dad, they were guaranteed to keep their positions in Starfleet. Even if they spent the rest of their exploration mission fighting to have their marriage recognized by the Vulcan High Council, as least their jobs couldn't be threatened ever again.
As his chair stopped spinning, a knock came at Kirk's door. "Jim?" Spock voice came from the other side. "Are you in your room?"
Kirk jumped out of his chair and opened the door. He grinned when he saw Spock's face and pulled him into the room. When the door closed behind them, he grabbed Spock by the shoulders and said, "Spock! Starfleet approves of our relationship! We don't have to worry about losing our jobs!"
Spock's face lit up at the good news. "Really?" he said, barely able to contain his excitement. Kirk nodded enthusiastically and basked Spock in a genuinely happy smile. Allowing himself to mirror the smile on Kirk's face, Spock asked, "When did you find out?"
"Just now!" he said. "Admiral Pike sent me a transmission and told me!"
Enraptured at their triumph, Kirk and Spock hugged each other tightly and laughed happily. For a moment, Spock almost forgot about the news he had just heard from T'Maire. Kirk pulled back and looked at Spock with a look of sheer delight. "So, did you have something you needed to tell me?"
Spock faltered briefly, but shook his head and smiled at Kirk. "I did, but it can wait. Let us revel in the euphoria of the moment."
Kirk smiled back at Spock and nodded. "Yeah," he said, giving Spock another tight hug. "Let's do that."