INTERMISSIONAL CRACKFIC/SONGFIC

Listen up!—I'll only explain this once! Alright, every fifth chapter (5, 10, 15 etc) there will be, well, an intermissional crackfic or songfic. Obviously, it will either make little to no sense (make you laugh), or it will go with a song. I have decided to do this because 1) everyone loves a good crackfic/songfic once in awhile and 2) its a good break for me and for you guys. I hope you guys like my idea, and you can tell me if you do or don't in a review. (After you read this chapter first, of course.) Most of my crackfics will come from the top of my head, so I apologize ahead of time for any mistakes I will make in these (intermissional) chapters. I hope to please all of you throughout this story!

CRACKFIC #1

"Nuki-chan, I beg of you, hurry UP with the sake!" the red-eyed woman yelled from her delicate position on her ornate couch. Stomping came from behind the half-closed shoji doors, which slammed open to reveal the angry face of her young slav—uh, employee.

"I told you NOT to call me by that hideous nickname!" he screamed and slammed the bottle of sake on the small side table. He glared into the crimson eyes of his slave driver. She smiled her usual smile.

"I have a riddle for you, Nuki-chan," she grinned and sipped her newly refreshed cup of sake. Watanuki eyed her warily. She continued, "When is a door not a door?"

"What, is the answer some kind of answer that relates to the universe or something?" The thin boy asked from his position on the floor, his legs crossed Indian-style. Yuuko shook her head, a smug smile plastered on her face. "Oh. Well, okay then…" he sat there deep in thought for a good, long while, obviously over-thinking the riddle.

"Give up?" She slurred, the whole bottle of sake cleaned out.

Watanuki sighed, "Fine, when is a door not a door?" He raised his head and looked into his employer's half-drunk and serious face.

"When it's ajar!" She guffawed loudly and out of nowhere, Mokona popped out and started guffawing along with her.

"Watawata-chan is so stupid!" the creature giggled, rolling on the floor in front of Watanuki's feet. He stood up suddenly.

"That's the stupidest answer ever! What the hell?!" he screamed and flailed, embarrassed that he didn't think of the answer sooner.

Yuuko wiped away the tears falling from her laughing face, "Oh don't get your panties in a bunch Nuki-chan," Watanuki babbled, but she continued, "The riddle was an introduction of sorts," she explained and the seer stopped his babbling, this meant a job, probably. She stuck her hand into her skimpy kimono and right before his eyes pulled out a jar; a pretty big jar, in fact. What the hell? "This jar is a door to everything you've ever wondered," she explained and held it up. It was big, about 5x10 inches, Watanuki surmised. The lid was a simple aluminum lid, but it had an old-fashioned lock painted on the top. It was oddly shaped, similar to an hourglass, but… not quite. The glass was painted black, preventing anyone from seeing inside, or anything looking out.

"That's… a weird… jar?" Watanuki questioned. "It gives off… weird vibes," they weren't bad, but they weren't good, either. Just… weird.

"Ah yes, I'm glad it does," Yuuko said. "This is for you, and the job I'm giving you," her face turned serious and she handed the jar to him with both hands. He took it and immediately fell forward from the weight.

"Kami! What the hell is in there!?" he exclaimed, trying to pry his hands from under the jar, now on the floor. He was about to try the lid but was stopped by Yuuko grabbing his wrist.

"I wouldn't advise you opening it," Watanuki looked up at her. "Your job is to take it to Doumeki's house and open it there, you'll know what to do then," she said and let go of his limp wrist.

Watanuki made a face, "First of all, this jar… THING is heavier than anything I've ever lifted before, and second, I have to drag it to DOUMEKI'S HOUSE?" he yelled, making his little dance.

Yuuko scoffed, "Don't drag it; carry it or something. I'll let you borrow my Red Flyer Wagon, if you want," she said and motioned with her arm. Maru and Moro came into the room, riding in the bright red wagon.

"Flyer! Flyer!" They said in unison while sitting in the wagon, which decided to orbit around Watanuki's legs for the time being.

The seer rolled his eyes, giving in. "Fine, I'll take it to stupid Domeki's house," he bent down, shuffling the jar closer to the wagon, which was now unoccupied. Finally getting it in there, he threw off his apron and bandana, "I'm leaving now," he yelled from the entryway, dragging the wagon along with him.

"Bye-bye!" Yuuko, Mokona and Maru and Moro said together. They listened for the door click, signifying that he was gone. They all burst into fits of giggles and snorts.

"This promises to be really, really fun!" Yuuko exclaimed, rolling on the floor. Mokona rolled right next to her.

"Watawata-chan is in for a surprise!" the black manjuu bun screamed, rolling away from Yuuko and guffawing once again.

"Surprise! Surprise!" Maru and Moro sang, dancing together.

Watanuki walked down the street, dragging the wagon behind him with that huge jar inside. He was mumbling the entire way, something about Yuuko being a slave-driver. As he was mumbling, he felt the wheels of the wagon nipping at his heels, even though he was on level ground. He turned around to investigate, but the wagon accelerated, knocking Watanuki off his feet. He landed in the wagon with the jar between his legs as the wagon sped off down the street, Watanuki screaming for people to get out of the way.

"Kami~!" He screamed as the wagon rounded a corner, balancing on the two left wheels. He clutched the jar close to him as they sped faster and faster down the street. He saw the temple come into view as they sped over a hill, and held onto the jar tighter as they made a sharp turn into the temple grounds.

It continued speeding down the cobblestones until it got two feet away from the stairs to the entrance, when it stopped abruptly, sending Watanuki flying into the door, back first. He slid down to the wooden floors and groaned. That would definitely hurt later.

The door opened, and his body fell inside. He looked up at the expressionless face of his arch-rival, Doumeki, garbed in a yukata. Doumeki looked down at him, eyebrow rising slightly. "Oi, you're noisy," he remarked as Watanuki struggled to right himself.

"Well excuse me, if the wagon just suddenly stopped and sent me flying!" he yelled, flailing and pointing at the wagon, who sweatdropped appropriately. Doumeki turned a bored expression onto the wagon.

"I didn't know you were into wagons," Doumeki said as Watanuki walked over to retrieve the obtuse jar.

"Oh ha, ha, what the comedian," he rolled his eyes and pulled the wagon closer. "Yuuko let me borrow it to bring this thing here," he pointed at the odd jar. Doumeki eyed it.

"A job?" Doumeki asked and Watanuki nodded. The archer watched as Watanuki struggled with the weird jar, trying to lift it out of the wagon. The wagon bent down, making it hard for him to pull the jar out of it.

"You know, you're not helping," Watanuki said to the wagon, which righted itself. He looked at Doumeki, "Little help here? This thing weighs a ton," he said. Doumeki walked over and grabbed the other side of the bottom, lifting it. They both lifted it up and into the house, finally settling it on the floor of Doumeki's room.

Watanuki left to send the wagon back to Yuuko's place, but it seemed it loved Watanuki just as much as Mugetsu. After much shooing, it finally went back to Yuuko.

"So, what's with the jar?" Doumeki finally asked as Watanuki reentered the room.

Watanuki sighed and plopped himself across from Doumeki, with the jar between them. "Yuuko said to open it once I got here," he said, patting the lid of the jar. "Then I would know what the job is," he finished. Doumeki eyed the lock painted on the lid. The seer put his hand on the lid and attempted to open it, but it wouldn't budge. "Man, is this thing really locked?" he looked at the lock, which was in the 'locked' position.

Doumeki pushed Watanuki's hand out of the way and tried to open it himself, but it didn't open for him, either. "Hn," he said, thinking. He looked at Watanuki who was talking to himself, something about Yuuko giving him cryptic messages. "Hey, maybe we both have to open it," Doumeki said.

Watanuki looked at him, "We did, we both tried, idiot," he rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. Doumeki grabbed his right hand and put it on the lid, then placed his hand over Watanuki's. "Hey what are you—oooh," he suddenly got what Doumeki was trying to do and tried opening the lid.

They both struggled and pulled at the lid for a few minutes before they heard a loud 'click' and the lid burst open with a gust of wind and what looked like… musical notes? They both flew back onto the tatami mats, the wind whistling around them.

When it finally died down, Watanuki was staring straight ahead, and Doumeki was passed out, flat on his back. The seer crawled to him and shook him, "Doumeki, Doumeki! Are you okay?!" He yelled. He felt his forehead, shook him fiercely and even slapped his face a little.

Finally, Doumeki stirred and sat up, rubbing his head. Watanuki sighed with relief. Doumeki's head snapped towards his direction and he glomped the seer. The air was thrust out of Watanuki as his back slammed against the floor. He looked up into Doumeki's face, and it was unbelievable. Doumeki was smiling, and not the normal kind of smiling, the sensual kind of smiling. The kind of smile that meant you had the object of your desires pinned under you and it was going to be a very long night. Watanuki gulped, his face reddening.

"D-Domeki, what's with that smile? What are you—" he was shushed by a calloused finger pushing against his lips. His eyes widened.

"Sssh, don't speak," he said lowly, his voice full of arousal. He bent down and traced the seer's jaw with his tongue. Watanuki hissed, but not in pain. "Fufu, it seems like you like this," Doumeki whispered in his ear.

"N-No, I don't!" he whined, his voice raising a few octaves, indicating that yes, he did like it. He liked it very much, indeed.

"Oh?" his hand traveled down and groped the boy underneath him, who eeped and blushed a darker shade of pink. "Because I think," he squeezed a little, "You really like this," he whispered in his ear. He started kissing up his jaw and finally planted a kiss on Watanuki's thin, pinkish lips.

This caused Doumeki to fly back and once again pass out as his back connected to the floor. Watanuki laid there for a second, trying to register just what exactly happened. When it did, he shot up and covered his lips with a shaky hand. He looked down. Just WHEN did his shirt get unbuttoned?! He looked at Doumeki, who was still on the floor just a few feet from him. He hesitated in going to him, for fear he'd be glomped again.

Before he could crawl over to him, Doumeki sat up and rubbed his head, looking around. He saw Watanuki sitting there disheveled and grinned. Watanuki gasped. "Oh ho," Doumeki said and placed his hand beside his mouth, "Someone got some action!" he got up went to leave the room. He looked at Watanuki and did the double-gun thing with his fingers, "Don't move, I'll go get us something that we can use," he smiled and the resulting shine that came from that smile nearly blinded Watanuki, who actually shielded his eyes.

When Doumeki left, Watanuki scrambled to the jar. He looked inside the open jar and found a folded piece of paper. He reached inside and read it.

Nuki-chan,

So I see that you got the jar open! I hope you're having fun with a very amorous and sexual Meki-chan! I see you've already been enjoying his company by that bulge in your pants and the flushed look on your face!

Watanuki gasped and looked around the room, as per usual. He continued reading:

Oh Nuki-chan, so gullible! There're no cameras there, sadly. I hope to hear some details tomorrow; I'm giving you the rest of the day off today to enjoy the present!

Yuuko

P.S. Oh, one more thing, I've enclosed something you two might need.

Watanuki looked inside the jar again and pulled out a brand new bottle of KY Lubricant. He paused and then screamed, "YUUKOO~!" then threw the bottle across the room, landing in, of course, Doumeki's hand.

"Oh HO! I see you already came prepared," He smiled his suavely sexual smile, "Then, shall we get started?" Doumeki closed the door and jumped on a backwards, retreating crab-walking Watanuki. "Let's make beautiful music together, Nuki-chan."

*facepalm* It wasn't as cracky as I hoped it'd be, it was all pretty much… sexual and out of character. So maybe that does make it cracky? I don't know. I hope to make the other intermissional chapters better! I wrote this all in one sitting! (A personal best!) This ends the very first crackfic! Review, please! [Random Fact: I got the title to this little collection from one of my favorite songs by Depeche Mode. I hope to write a songfic using that song. Go listen to it!]