INTERMISSIONAL CRACKFIC #2

Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters, xxxHOLiC or any references made in this fic. There's some cursing in here somewhere.

Watanuki, being the adorable little bitch that we all know and love, forced himself from Yuuko's shop and away from the shop's and Doumeki's protection. He walked quickly down the barely lit streets, each side lined with electrical poles. He mumbled to himself, trying to calm himself from the nervousness and fear rising in his chest. He kept seeing something just outside his field of vision, his nervousness levels spiked. He started thinking maybe he should have walked with Doumeki… He shook his head, "I don't need that idiot with me…"

He heard rumbling behind him and turned around cautiously. It was a huge purple blob, with about four gigantic red eyes swimming around in the goop. He panicked and started running as fast as he could. He felt the creature closer and closer behind him with every stride. It tackled him and he fell hard against the concrete. The creature rolled him over onto his back and proceeded to push the air out of the writhing boy beneath it.

Watanuki struggled to breathe and fought with the monster, using all his strength in trying to pry the monster off of him. That is until he heard the slow rolling of a song starting. Was that… Chariots of Fire?

Watanuki turned his head to where he thought he heard the music coming from. What he saw come over the hill just freakin' flabbergasted him. Even the monster was looking in that direction. Humans did some strange things.

What they saw coming over the hill was a Doumeki garbed in what can only be described as a superhero suit. The main leotard was a bright orange and the flowing cape, underwear-over-his-pants, and the two big S's on his chest were all a dark, olive green. His hair was gelled back rather neatly, except for a single strand hanging in his face. (Think Hueco Mundo Aizen). His face was as stoic as ever.

…Was he running in slow motion in time with the music?

The creature felt the man's cleansing presence coming closer and closer, and fled back into the shadows. Watanuki was frozen in place on the ground as Doumeki slow-motioned his way to him.

The devilishly handsome yet idiotic looking Doumeki looked down at him, "Are you okay?" Watanuki could barely hear him over that damn music still playing.

Watanuki leapt up and just pointed and flailed at Doumeki; he was way too baffled to even speak. Eventually, his voice found its way back to him. "Whatthehell?! Why the hell are you dressed like an idiot?! Why are you here?! Who picked those colors?! What is the SS for?! You look like a giant, idiotic carrot!! WHERE THE HELL IS THAT DAMN MUSIC COMING FROM?!" He flailed, pointed, flexed, etc.

Doumeki reached behind him, under his cape, which was still billowing, and pulled out a tiny boombox. Watanuki immediately grabbed it and spiked it to the ground, all in one fluid motion. A loud crack echoed throughout the neighborhood as the boombox broke into just about a million pieces. The CD that was playing rolled out, crossed the street and fell into a sewer.

Watanuki unbent himself from the spiking position and looked at Doumeki smugly. Super Doumeki's eyes were wider than normal, "That was Yuuko's. You're going to have to pay her."

The seer threw his arms up in exasperation and fell to the ground. He mumbled something about the Universe putting a hit on him. He jumped up and poked Doumeki in the chest. "You never answered the other question. What are the two S's for?" He asked again, poking Doumeki's firm chest over and over.

Doumeki looked down and pulled Watanuki's hand from him, "Super Shizuka."

The last thing Watanuki remembered after that was darkness, as he passed out from the sheer stupidity of the situation.

He woke up to a familiar ceiling and the familiar smell of smoke. He heard sniggering and giggling. He shot up and looked around. Yuuko, Doumeki, Mokona, Maru and Moro were all dressed in super suits. He needed to faint again. Especially when he realized he was wearing one, too. His was a dark navy blue with everything else being teal. Two W's were emblazoned on his chest. His hair gelled back as well, but it didn't look nearly as good on him as it did on Doumeki. Plus, he filled it out more, if you know what I mean.

Let's just say Doumeki had a package to take along with him to the gun show.

"Ah, it seems that Watanuki is finally awake," a smug voice said from above.

He looked up to see Yuuko in all her superhero glory. Her suit was a deep red and black. Her hair was behind her in two, long braids. On her (very large) chest were two Y's. He got up, walked to a corner and assumed the fetal position.

"C'mon, it's not that bad," he heard Yuuko say from behind him.

He flew into a rage, "WE'RE WEARING SUPER SUITS, YUUKO. What reason, huh?! What reason?!"

Yuuko smirked and put her hand beside her mouth, "Because I wanted to."

Watanuki collapsed. Maru and Moro were screaming. Mokona was bouncing around. Watanuki looked at Doumeki. Did he have to stand like that? With his fists at his hips, his feet shoulder width apart and his cape billowing, even though there wasn't a trace of wind or even a draft in the room.

What the hell?

"What do these letters even mean?" Watanuki asked, meaning the letters on everyone's chest. He saw Yuuko smirk.

"Well, Doumeki's is 'Super Shizuka'. Mine is 'Youthful Yuuko'. And yours is 'Wimpy Watanuki'," Yuuko explained while Maru rebraided one of her braids.

He flailed, "Wimpy Watanuki?! What the hell?"

"I think it matches you quite nicely," Yuuko said with a flip of her braid. Doumeki nodded silently.

Something dawned on Watanuki. Forgetting being called 'wimpy', he asked, "How did I get into this?" He gestured down at his body.

"Oh, Doumeki put you in it," Yuuko said nonchalantly, fixing her suit.

Watanuki's world froze. "What?! That muscle bound freak put me in this?!" he pointed to Doumeki, who was still in the same position as before.

"Don't be jealous," he said as Mokona bounced by his head.

Watanuki flicked his head to Doumeki, "Jealous?! Hardly."

"You know you want tickets to this gun show," Doumeki lifted his arm and kissed his bicep.

Watanuki nearly died from mortification.

He moved away from everyone and noticed something…

"Am I even wearing underwear under this?" he asked no one in particular.

"Nope," he heard Doumeki's deep voice from behind him. He didn't have time to act horrified before Yuuko started speaking.

"Y'know Watanuki, your package doesn't look very flatt—"

Watanuki interrupted her, "I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT FROM YOU!!" He flailed, his face just a little pink.

"I think your package is very nice," Doumeki replied.

Watanuki gave up. He left the idiots and walked into the next room. Doumeki followed, "I can show you my package if you want, we'd be even," Doumeki said from the next room.

"Ergh! No, get away! AGH!!"

"How about my guns?"

"NO, GET OFF OF ME!"

Yuuko and Mokona watched them leave the room. When they were gone, both of their faces pulled into an evil grin.

"Just as planned."

Bahaha, HAHA. This was insanely fun to write. If you don't know what Chariots of Fire is, Youtube it. It's a common song played when someone is running in slow motion. Watanuki is kind of a bitch, but we all love him. Reviews please! Edit: Is it sad that as I read this over and over, I laugh my ass off harder and harder each time? I mean c'mon, Doumeki running in slow motion in a superhero suit? Him kissing his guns? Oh god, I can't breathe... I'm laughing too hard...