Chapter 9: Breaking Point

Sasha didn't know how long she had stayed there crying on the ground. Keeping track of time wasn't exactly on her mind at the moment. Really, only two things were one her mind; every time that she had hurt and caused pain to the people she cared about, the people she was supposed to protect, and those eight words.

Hey Anne? Maybe you're better off without me.

Those eight words that seemed to just keep repeating themselves in her mind, again and again. After weeks of running from them, of refusing to let herself remember them, it was as though her mind was making sure that she would never forget those words again.

It was then, possibly hours after she had run from Wartwood, that Sasha heard a noise. It was the snapping of a twig, a simple, common sound in forests. But it was also the first noise that she had heard other than her own sobbing since she had collapsed here.

She pulled herself up and tried to wipe away the tears staining her face. She had no idea who or what might be around here. It could just be some wild animal, but it could also be a Toad or a Frobot or…it could even be someone from the resistance. She didn't know exactly what Anne and Marcy's reaction to her running out like that was, but considering how little Anne trusted her…or rather, considering how Anne knew that Sasha couldn't be trusted, it's likely that anyone in the resistance who was sent out to look for her had orders to bring her back and lock her up.

Maybe that's exactly what should happen to me…

The sound of rustling leaves indicated that who or whatever was there was getting closer. It was only then that Sasha even thought to place her hand on her sword so she could be ready to draw it, in case this thing was an enemy. That should have been the first thing she'd done when she heard that twig snap, but for whatever reason it was as though her training and instincts had been dulled. Perhaps it had something to do with the tears still threatening to spill from her eyes.

However, she did not need to worry that the thing with her in the forest was an enemy, as she saw a young girl with black hair emerge into the clearing.

"There you are." Marcy said, relief in her voice, even if Sasha couldn't tell why anyone would be relieved to see her.

"Oh, hi Marcy." Sasha said, as she let her hand leave her sword as she wouldn't be needing it. Even if Marcy was here just to bring her back to Wartwood to lock her up, she wasn't going to resist.

"What are you doing here?" Sasha asked.

"I came looking for you, obviously. You just ran out on us and I got worried."

Sasha was skeptical of that answer, considering that Marcy didn't really trust her either.

"Right, and I guess you're also here to take me back and throw me in a dungeon or a brig or whatever you guys have."

Marcy actually looked surprised to hear that.

"What? Of course not. Why would you think that?"

Sasha just levelled a disbelieving look at Marcy.

"Are you seriously trying to act like Anne didn't ask you to find me so I could be locked up?"

"I…might have run out after you before me and Anne could agree on what to do."

Sasha noted that Marcy didn't deny anything about Anne wanting to have her locked up.

"Well, it's probably what you should be doing with me anyways." Sasha said, bitterness evident in her voice.

"What are you talking about?" Marcy asked. Sasha noticed that there seemed to be a bit of worry in her voice.

The blond sighed and turned away from black haired girl.

"Look, you found me, you saw I'm alright, so if that's all you came here to do, then just leave me alone."

Sasha really hoped that Marcy would listen to her on this for once. Tears were still threatening to fall from her eyes and it seemed to be taking everything she had to hold them back. She didn't want to cry in front of Marcy. She didn't want to cry in front of anyone.

But Marcy, of course, refused to listen.

"Sasha you aren't alright, anyone can see that. Please, just talk to me. I'm your friend, I want-"

"Why?!" Sasha all but yelled, turning back to face the stunned Marcy.

"Why would you still want to call yourself my friend?! After all of the stuff I've done, what could possibly make you think it's a good idea to be my friend?!"

Marcy actually took a few steps back in reaction to Sasha's outburst.

"Sasha, I know that you've done some bad stuff but-but I know that there's still some good in you. All that stuff I said back there, I've seen you help people around here. I guess I still don't know if I should trust you after everything, but I want to at least give you the benefit of the doubt-"

"Well, you shouldn't!" Sasha said, cutting Marcy off.

"When I said we should go help those newts or free those prisoners? That was me trying to make an impression on you and anyone we were going to help that I'm a good person, all so that I could get Anne to come around and be OK with me. It was all just another manipulation, exactly what Anne said it was! Everything she said back there was right! I'm a horrible, controlling, manipulative liar!"

Sasha sat down, as whatever strength she had left seemed to disappear with each word that she yelled.

"I even lied about what I was going to do when you got me back to my time. I was never planning to stop the rebellion, I was just going to make sure that Grime didn't die, that I didn't turn Amphibia into this hell hole and that you two were on my side, because I'm stupid enough to think that that was somehow ever a possibility."

Silence overcame the two at Sasha's confession, Marcy seemingly needing time to process what she just heard. It was during this silence that Sasha realised that her tears had begun falling again, and she no longer had the strength or will to hold them back.

"That's…That's a lot to take in." Marcy said after a few moments of silence.

Sasha didn't say anything back. She didn't even look at Marcy. All she could really look at was a fixture up in the sky, so far away. The palace of Newtopia, floating there in the night sky. Perhaps the starkest reminder possible of all she has done wrong. And all that she will do wrong.

After another moment of silence, Marcy sat down next to Sasha.

"Why did you want to go through with the rebellion?"

Sasha continued to not answer.

"You told me before about Grime having a death sentence and how you wanted to make things better for the Toads, but those aren't the only reasons are they? You said that you wanted me and Anne on your side for the rebellion when you went back. Was that other reason…did it have to do with us."

A few more seconds of silence passed.

"Sasha, please talk to me-"

"Yes." The blond answered quietly.

Marcy waited to see if there was anything else that Sasha had to add, before she began trying to coax more out of her.

"Can you please tell me what the reason was?"

The silence from Sasha lasted longer this time, but just as she was about to try and ask again, the blond answered.

"I needed…" Sasha began breathing heavily as she tried to speak, her tears falling faster now and her gaze now turning from the sky, to the ground in front of her "I needed control back…"

Sasha felt Marcy's hand on her back, the girl trying to provide her with some type of comfort.

"Control of me and Anne?" Marcy asked, her tone as gentle as it could be for what she asked.

"Control of our friendship." Sasha answered. "I needed to be in control because…because it's how I protected…how I kept telling myself I was protecting you guys."

But I wasn't protecting you

Strictly speaking, that wasn't exactly true. Sasha did protect Anne and Marcy. She protected them from bullies and various dangers out in the world. She made sure to protect the two people she cared about the most in the world from all of the monsters that were out there trying to hurt them.

All of the monsters except one. Because there was one monster that always had a good reason for why she hurt Anne and Marcy. She was always able to convince Sasha that whatever pain she caused Anne and Marcy, it was really for their own good. She was able to convince Sasha that Anne and Marcy needed to follow her. In fact, that monster would even convince Sasha that the two should be grateful for the pain that they were caused because it was merely a side effect of protecting them, and Sasha would protect her friend, no matter what. She would protect them from everything.

Everything except the worst monster…because that was the monster that kept lying to herself that she was protecting them..

"But I wasn't protecting you guys." Sasha continued, "I thought that if I was in control of Amphibia that I could make sure that out friendship stayed on my terms. That it stayed under my control."

"Why did you feel like it needed to stay under your control?" Marcy asked.

"Marcy, can we please stop talking about this? Why are your even still here after everything I've said?"

Sasha's voice was louder now and seemed to take on more of a frustrated tone, though even she wasn't sure if she was more frustrated with herself or Marcy's refusal to leave.

"Sasha, talking about this stuff is good for you, it can help you figure out how to overcome some of this stuff you're going through, help you work through it."

Sasha almost wanted to laugh at that.

"Yeah, well, you aren't exactly my therapist, so why should you even care about helping me work through anything?"

"I may not be a therapist or anything, but I am your friend and-"

"Why?!" Sasha shouted as she pushed Marcy's hand away from her back. "Why would you still want to even call yourself my friend?! After everything, I've done?! After everything I just said?! After all the times I hurt you, or Anne or anyone else stupid enough to get close to me?! Isn't it obvious that hurting you guys is all I do?!"

Hey Anne? Maybe you're better off without me.

"Sasha you haven't only hurt us, you've also-"

"Oh come on Marcy!" Sasha said as she stood up and began moving away from the girl. "How can you possibly think that I do things other than hurt anyone that get's close to me, anyone that I'm supposed to care about?"

As Sasha moved away, Marcy got up and tried to close the distance.

"It was my stupid plan that got Grime killed! It was my stupid refusal to turn back that nearly got Percy and Braddock killed! And then there are the years I spent with you guys! I bullied you, manipulated you and lied to you both and that doesn't even get into all the stuff I've done since we got here!"

Marcy tried to put a hand on Sasha's shoulder, but the blond turned on her and slapped the hand away.

"Will you just stop already?!" Sasha didn't care that she was yelling at someone trying to provide her comfort. Trying to keep control over everything caused all of this in the first place, so why not loosen some control, even if it's control of her voice, her words, her emotions and herself?

"I have done so much to hurt you guys, both before and after we got here! I've lied to you, betrayed you, ignored you, tore you away form your families and got you stuck here, and that's not even getting into all the stuff I've done only to Anne! And she's the girl I love and I've hurt her worst than anyone! So just stop pretending that I do anything other than hurt people that get close to me or that you still want anything to do with me!"

Sasha was out of breath from all of her rantings. If she still had any left, she likely would have continued to list off every horrible she's ever done and every reason that Marcy, that everyone really, should stay away from her. Not only was she out of breath though, she was also drained. Drained of all of the energy and fight that she had left in her and she really just wanted the chance to go off and be alone again. As such, even if there was still so much left that she could say to Marcy, Sasha really hoped that the girl would finally see reason and just leave her alone instead of doing anything else to get her worked up.

However, the former ranger refused to leave.

"What do you mean you're the reason we came here?" Marcy asked. Sasha didn't know why that, of all things was what had caught her attention, but she was well past the point of caring.

Sasha let out a sigh.

"I'm the one who convinced Anne to steal the box when we didn't have the money to pay for it Marcy. If I just left it alone, we would never have come here."

"But that-you can't know for sure that we wouldn't have tried to get it without you, and I'm the one who found it-"

"Seriously Marcy!" Once again, she managed to get Sasha worked up. "Neither you or Anne would have stolen that stupid thing without me being there! We both know that! I'm the reason that you guys haven't seen your families for a year and a half! I'm the reason that we're stuck in a world where every other thing is trying to kill us! I'm the reason that any of this stuff could have happened in the first place-"

"Stop!"

Sasha was caught off guard by Marcy's yell, to the point that she didn't try to swat Marcy's hands away when she put them on her shoulders.

"Please," Marcy began, her voice now much tinier than that shout. "If you don't believe anything else I say, please believe that us getting stuck here isn't your fault."

Sasha was ready to reply with a self-deprecating retort, but then she looked at the poor girl. Marcy's eyes didn't meet hers and were instead pointed downward, yet Sasha could see that they were filled with both desperation and sorrow. On seeing that sight, Sasha found that she didn't the heart to argue this point with Marcy.

Yeah, sure, I'll believe you. I mean, you so clearly believe it? Why else would you say it while refusing to look me in the eye?

She didn't agree with it, but she wouldn't argue against it.

Sasha let out a sigh.

"Look Marcy, you really should just-"

"No, just…please give me the chance to try to talk to you, OK."

Much as she didn't want to, Sasha acquiesced to Marcy's request and stayed silent to let her figure out what she wanted to say. After everything she had done to Marcy, it was the least she owed her.

Marcy had her eyes closed in thought, seemingly trying to find the words she wanted to say. Finally, her eyes opened, and she actually bothered to look Sasha in the eye this time.

"You have done sooo much wrong. You've hurt me and Anne a lot. But despite all of that, you have helped us, both of us. You have stood up to bullies for both of us, and me especially since being the giant nerd with bad social skills made me the number 1 bully target. You've been there for us when we've been down, and you've done you're best to help us. You've also hurt us too, but I know that you're more than the person who hurt us."

She gave the blond a supportive smile.

"And you should know that too, and that you can stop being that person who hurt us. What I said to Anne about you being able to change? I did mean it. I know that you can be the person who stands up to our bullies without also being a bully to us yourself. So instead of sitting here and moping, how about you go out there and show me and Anne-no, how about you go out there and show the world that you deserve to be our friend?"

Sasha simply stared back at Marcy, the Taiwanese girl's supportive smile faltering at the silent response. Sasha removed Marcy's hands from her shoulders and turned away.

"If that's all you've got to say Marcy, then you should probably just get out of here."

Change? Me? Please. I can't change. I'm always going to be the miserable control freak who hurts anyone she cares about.

Sasha cast a look towards the floating palace again.

Even if I do change, I'll just become worse.

Sasha began walking away, figuring that if Marcy wasn't going to leave, then she could simply leave and hope Marcy wouldn't follow, but she turned around at hearing a frustrated shout from behind her. She turned around to see that not only was Marcy still following her, but she was marching right up to her, the frustration on her face managing to outdo the frustration from her shout.

"Marcy what are you-"

"No!" Marcy all but shouted while she placed her hands on Sasha's shoulders, "No, you are not talking right now, I am the one talking, got it?!"

Sasha nodded, mostly due to being taken aback more than anything.

"Good! Now, what are you doing?! You're seriously just planning to walk around moping until you get captured or killed? Is that it? After everything you're just walking away because you're too sad to actually do anything about it? Days ago, you were just planning to overthrow a king, and now you're just going to wallow in the woods for the rest of your life?"

Marcy was right in Sasha's face as she shouted at her, showing aggression that Sasha had never thought she had in her before.

"You want to believe that you can't change? Alright, fine, but what about changing all of this?"

Marcy gestured to the world around her.

"We have a time machine and the power to go back and undo your biggest mistake. And instead of using that power, you're just going to sit here and do nothing? You're just going to give up? Come on Sasha, even if you think you can't be better than hurting us, you know that you're better than giving up!"

Sasha wanted to argue, wanted to try and jump in and try to make Marcy understand…whatever it was the Sasha disagreed with her about what she said. But she couldn't. She couldn't even think of a good reason to disagree with what she said. Because when Marcy began to talk about Sasha giving up, the blond began to remember something that had been said to her. Words of encouragement. Words of belief. Words from someone she loved.

You're fierce, you're brave, and you never give up

No matter how much Sasha couldn't believe in herself to change, she could believe in her own determination.

Sasha turned her head away from Marcy, who seemed to still be saying something, but she had stopped paying attention. Instead, she looked again at that palace floating in the sky. The palace where her future self resided.

"Sasha?" Marcy asked, seemingly catching on to how the blond wasn't paying attention to her anymore. "What are you doing?"

"I'm trying to think of how we can break into there." She said as she raised her hand to point at the palace.

Marcy's eyes widened, and a smile appeared on her face.

"You mean you're-"

"Going to get back to my own time and stop this whole rebellion? Yeah." A confident smile appeared on Sasha's face. "I do mean that."

AN: Didn't really have anything to put in the Author's note up-top this time.

I sort of envisioned this chapter as being a counter part to the episode Turning Point. While in cannon, Sasha comes away from that episode with the belief that she needs to change, the much rougher wake-up call that Sasha has gotten regarding her behaviour in this fic results in her thinking that she can't change at all, a much darker and more broken view, hence the chapter name.

And as always, I appreciate any feedback you guys have, and I'll see you next time.