The following parody was written by one;
An author who wanted to write something fun.
The writer, whose work has been parodied here,
May be easy to guess; it is rather clear.
But it's all in good fun - just so you're aware,
It's an answer, in fact, to a triple-dog-dare!

Disclaimer: None of these characters I claim to own; Hogan's Heroes, and the others, are just here on loan.

Why Olsen?

"Colonel! Message from HQ… It's urgent!" Kinch exclaimed as he climbed out of the tunnel and into the barracks. He strode over to the table where Hogan was sitting, along with the rest of the core group; LeBeau, Carter and Newkirk.

When he got there, Kinch handed Hogan the paper he was carrying. "You're not going to like it, sir," he said as Hogan took it from him and began to read.

Hogan's eyes grew wide. "What? Oh, she's gone too far this time! It's bad enough she's killed me, what, three times? Four? And now she's going to kill Olsen!"

Olsen leaped from his bunk. "Wh-wh-what?" he stuttered.

"That can't be!" LeBeau exclaimed, "Why would she want to kill Olsen?"

"Yeah," Newkirk chimed in, "After all the ruddy trouble she went through to write a whole bloomin' story about 'im!"

Carter's jaw was still hanging open. He quickly shut his mouth, and then said, "It's a joke, right, Colonel? She's not really going to kill Olsen; she's just playing a trick on him… And on us!"

Hogan glanced around the room to each man, and shook his head slowly. "No, it's no joke. In fact, she's already written it. See?" He held up the paper in front of the men, which unfolded like an accordion into many connected sheets; the story covering the pages.

Olsen took one look and blanched. "Nooo! I don't want to die!" he shouted, and ran out of the barracks.

The rest of the men gasped as they quickly scanned the pages. "She's merciless, Colonel," LeBeau uttered quietly.

"Not to mention barmy!" Newkirk exclaimed. "Colonel, why is it that one minute, we're laughin' and jokin' and 'avin' a grand ol' time in her stories, and the next; you're dyin' of pneumonia, or bein' hauled away by Hochstetter and tortured to death… Why?"

"Don't forget you being court-martialed, sir," Carter piped up, "Or interrogated by OSS agents, or having your liver destroyed by a bullet, and being saved at the last minute by some very strange visitors from who-knows-where…"

"I think he remembers that, Carter," Newkirk retorted.

"You know, Colonel," Kinch said, "She's written some pretty funny stuff about us, too. What do you suppose would happen if she wrote a story and included some of each in it?"

"You mean; tragedy and comedy in the same story?" Hogan asked.

"Yes, sir, that's exactly what I mean," Kinch replied, "And while she's at it, maybe she can tell us why she's having Olsen get killed."

Hogan appeared to contemplate it for a moment. "I don't know if she'll do that," he said at last, "But I know someone we can ask, who might. Kinch, give HQ a call back, and pass our idea on to that other writer; the one that checks this one's work. I bet she can come up with something."

"Yes, sir," Kinch responded. Then he turned and walked over to the false-bottom bunk, and disappeared below.

"Now what, Colonel?" Carter asked.

Hogan folded his arms. "Now, we wait."

Colonel Robert E. Hogan woke to the sound of coughing. The winter had been exceptionally cold this year, and a lot of guys had fallen ill. Some of them had developed pneumonia, and a few unfortunate souls had eventually succumbed to the sickness. There were several men in his own barracks that were still fighting it, and he was one of them. It was his own coughing that he'd heard when he'd woken up.

He sat up in the darkness, and instantly felt dizzy. It was then he noticed the sweat pouring down his face, and when he reached up to feel his forehead, it was extremely hot. Suddenly his body launched into a terrible coughing fit – wet and raspy – and he fell back onto his bunk, exhausted.

The door to his quarters opened, and LeBeau came tiptoeing in. He approached Hogan's bunk and whispered, "Mon Colonel, how are you feeling?"

"Not good," Hogan uttered, which triggered a new bout of coughing. When it had subsided, LeBeau felt Hogan's forehead, and his eyes widened with alarm. "I'm going to go get Wilson," he said, and rushed out of the room.

Hogan began coughing again, his body wracked with pain and fever. His consciousness started to fade in and out, and as he labored to suck in air, the room faded from view. A shudder ran through him, and he couldn't fight it anymore; his body gave up, and he breathed his last.

LeBeau returned with Wilson, who spotted Hogan's condition immediately, and rushed over to the bunk. He reached up and placed his hand on Hogan's throat, feeling for a pulse, and after a few moments, slowly pulled his hand away. He looked up at LeBeau, masking his emotions as much as possible, and stated, "He's dead."

"Oh, no," LeBeau breathed, "Oh, Wilson, he can't die… What are we going to do?"

"We'll just have to carry on without him, won't we?" Wilson answered, stoically. "Do you want me to tell the others?" he added.

"No," LeBeau replied, "I'll do it."

LeBeau went out into the main barracks, Wilson following, closing Hogan's door behind him. When LeBeau had gotten everyone's attention, he said, "I have something to tell you." He paused for a moment; then continued, "Colonel Hogan, he is, I mean… Oh, he's gone." He went over to his bunk and sat down heavily.

"What?" Newkirk was the first to respond, "What do you mean, 'gone'? He can't be!"

"Yeah, not the Colonel," Carter piped up, jumping up from his bunk, "He'd never leave us like that; just get sick and die!"

Kinch nodded in agreement. "I always thought the colonel would get killed doing something heroic…it's hard to believe he was taken down by a bunch of germs."

LeBeau gestured to the door leading to Hogan's quarters. "Go see for yourself," he stated wearily.

Just then the door LeBeau was pointing to opened, and Hogan strolled out, wearing a top hat and coattails. He had a cane in one hand, and was singing merrily, "Hello, my baby, hello, my darling, hello, my rag time gal…"

The men instantly perked up at the sight. "Colonel! You're alive!" LeBeau exclaimed.

"Well, of course I am! Why wouldn't I be?" Hogan answered gaily. He continued his soft-shoe routine out into the compound, while the rest of the men followed, shaking their heads in confusion.

After they lined up for roll call, Klink came storming out of his office. He took one look at Hogan and scowled. "Colonel Hogan, what are you wearing?" he asked.

"Just trying to add a touch of class to the place, Kommandant," Hogan replied, grinning.

"Well, I don't like it," Klink stated, "You will change immediately after roll call, and if I see you out of uniform again, you will get thirty days in the cooler!"

"Spoil sport," Hogan pouted.

As soon as they were dismissed, Hogan returned to his quarters and changed into his uniform. Then he called his men in to join him, and got down to business. "Okay, now that I'm back, we need to go over our plans for evacuating the camp. The SS are on the prowl, and I've heard they've been removing certain prisoners from POW camps, and killing them. I won't let that happen here."

"But, sir," Newkirk said, "Gettin' everyone out of 'ere is a big job; 'ow are we goin' to do it without gettin' caught?"

"I have a few ideas," Hogan replied, "It's going to take teamwork and planning, and I'll have to send Olsen out of camp…"

"For reconnaissance, sir?" Kinch cut in.

"No, I just don't want him getting killed… Too much paperwork."

The men nodded in agreement.

At that moment, the door to Hogan's quarters opened, and Schultz entered. "Colonel Hogan, the Kommandant wants to see you right away," he announced.

"About what, Schultz?" Hogan asked.

"Two new prisoners just arrived in camp," Schultz informed him.

"All right, Schultz, lead the way." Hogan got up and grabbed his crush cap.

They walked across the compound, and arrived at Klink's office. As they entered, Hogan began to speak. "Kommandant, I just found out that we have two new prisoners, and you know I'm supposed to be present when you…" His eyes widened with surprise when he saw the new arrivals. "What? Not you two, again!" he exclaimed, staring at Boswell and Garrett.

"Colonel Hogan," Klink said irritably, "I don't know what these two are doing back here, but I don't like it!"

Hogan frowned. "I don't like it, either."

Boswell and Garrett just shrugged.

"Well, they're your responsibility now," Klink told Hogan, "Take them and get out!"

"Yes, sir," Hogan said. He left Klink's office, and headed back to the barracks, the two OSS agents in tow. When they got inside, everyone groaned.

"Not again!" LeBeau shouted.

"'Aven't you caused enough trouble?"added Newkirk.

"Hey, c'mon, that's not fair!" Boswell replied defensively, "We left on good terms, remember?"

"Yes, you did," Hogan said, "But every time you two show up, something bad happens."

"Well, we're not here to cause trouble, Colonel," Garrett spoke up, "We just wanted to let you know that you don't need to evacuate the camp. We heard from a reliable source that the SS won't be showing up here."

Hogan's eyebrows rose. "What? How did you know about that?" Then, after mulling it over for a moment, said, "Never mind, I don't want to know."

Suddenly Schultz came barging into the barracks, carrying a huge box. He set the box down on the table and looked at Hogan. "This arrived with the new prisoners," he stated.

"What, a duffel bag wasn't big enough?" Hogan quipped. "Just what is this, anyway?" he asked, walking over to the box.

Garrett smiled. "It's a gift," he said. "Take a look."

Hogan opened the box, and pulled out a very stylish, hand-knitted men's sweater. "Very nice," he remarked; then looked in the box and saw that it was filled with sweaters.

"Thought you'd like them," Garrett beamed. "I started my own chain…I call it: BG's Outerwear – perfect for 'staying alive' on those cold, winter nights."

"BG's?" Carter echoed.

Boswell grinned. "I'm his manager."

"Hey, that's great!" Carter replied enthusiastically, ""Maybe we should put that under 'Announcements' in the next Gazette."

Just then they all heard a car come screeching to a halt outside, and crowded around the barracks door to see who it was. The car door opened, and everyone was surprised to see Freitag and his aide, Mannheim, get out. Freitag glanced in the direction of the barracks, and then the two men headed to Klink's office.

"Oh, crap, I forgot they were coming today," Hogan said. "I'm supposed to kill Freitag; he knows too much about the Manhattan Project – whatever that is." He opened the top of the bench next to the table, and pulled out a gun. "Be right back," he called out as he headed off across the compound.

"Uh, shouldn't we stop him?" Garrett asked, looking confused.

"No," Kinch said, and sat down with a sigh, "It has to be this way."

"But, he'll be killed!" Boswell exclaimed.

The men nodded solemnly. "We know."

Hogan entered the outer office, and saw Klink standing there. "Freitag in your office?" he asked him.

"Why, yes, Hogan, he is," Klink answered, "What business is it of yours?"

"I just need a moment alone with him, Kommandant. Excuse me," he said as he pushed past Klink. He entered the inner office, drew the gun out from underneath his jacket, and pointed it at Freitag. "Ah, at last we meet for the third time, for the last time!"

Freitag looked confused. "What?"

"Uh," Hogan shook his head to clear it, "Never mind. Say your prayers, Freitag!" He pulled the trigger, and Freitag fell to the floor, dead.

Klink and Mannheim came running in. "Now look what you've done, Hogan!" Klink shouted, "I just had that floor cleaned!"

"I'm calling the Gestapo," Mannheim said as he reached for the phone.

A short time later, Hochstetter's car came roaring into camp. It screeched to a halt behind Freitag's car, and the Gestapo major got out; stomping quickly up to Klink's office. When he got inside, he took one look at the gun in Hogan's hand and body on the floor, and exclaimed happily, "Aha! I've caught you red-handed, Hogan!"

"Actually, Klink caught me red-handed," Hogan quipped, "And so did Mannheim. But you come in a close third!"

"Enough!" Hochstetter yelled, "You're coming with me, Hogan!" He took the gun from Hogan, slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, and led him out to the car.

"Can I at least say goodbye to my men?"Hogan asked, turning a pleading look on the major.

"No! Now, get in the car! Schnell!"

As the car sped out of camp, Hogan braced himself for what was coming…a thorough torturing by Hochstetter, no doubt. He mentally tried to steal himself for the upcoming confrontation, when there was an audible 'Pop', and the car started to wobble. Hochstetter pulled over to the side of the road, cursing at the flat tire. He got out and began to rummage around in the trunk, looking for the jack.

Suddenly a couple of strange men appeared, and one of them placed a hand on Hochstetter's shoulder. The next moment, the Gestapo major slumped to the ground, and the other figure opened the door to the back seat.

"Come with me if you want to live," the man said.

"Captain, I believe that line belongs to someone else," the one who had incapacitated Hochstetter stated.

"It does?" The Captain replied, glancing over at his cohort, "Yes, I believe you're right, Spock. All right," he turned back to Hogan and removed the handcuffs, "Colonel, if you would come with us, please?"

"Who are you?" Hogan asked, growing suspicious, "And where are you taking me?"

"I'm Captain James T. Kirk, and this is my first officer, Mr. Spock. We're here to take you back to your camp."

"But, I can't go back there!" Hogan exclaimed. "Once they find out that someone helped me escape from Hochstetter, they'll go after my men…and the Underground!"

"Don't worry, Colonel Hogan; we've got that all under control."

Hogan's eyes narrowed. "How do you know my name?"

Kirk sighed. "The file said you were hard-headed…" He shot a look at Spock, who came over and placed his hand on Hogan's shoulder. The Colonel tensed, and then lost consciousness.

Hogan wasn't sure what happened after that, only that he woke up in his quarters, and his men were crowded around him. "Wha…what happened?" He asked groggily.

"Never seen anythin' like it!" Newkirk exclaimed, "Two men brought you back 'ere, and then went into Klink's office, and managed to convince 'im that Mannheim shot Freitag!"

Hogan's brow furrowed with confusion. "They…they did?"

"Oui, mon Colonel!" LeBeau answered. "Then Hochstetter came back looking for you, and they were able to convince him as well!"

"Where's Hochstetter now?" Hogan asked, sitting up.

"He arrested Mannheim, and took him away, sir," Kinch told him; then smiled wide. "Looks like you're in the clear."

"And those two men?"

"They're in the outer barracks, sir," Carter replied, "They said they wanted to talk to you before they left. Said it was important."

Hogan reached up and absently rubbed his shoulder. "All right, send them in," he stated.

"Yes, sir," Carter responded, and opened the door.

The two men walked in. "Gentlemen, could we have a few moments alone with your Colonel?" Kirk asked, "We need to speak to him privately."

The men looked at Hogan, who nodded. "All right," Newkirk said, "But we'll be right outside if you need us, Colonel." The men left, and Kirk turned to face Hogan.

"I suppose you'd like to know what's going on," Kirk began, taking a seat next to the desk.

Hogan eyed him warily. "The thought had crossed my mind."

"We couldn't let Hochstetter take you away for interrogation, Colonel; you would have ended up taking cyanide, and killing yourself."

Hogan couldn't have looked more baffled. "How could you know that, Captain…what did you say your name was?"

"Kirk."

"Captain Kirk. And how could I take cyanide, anyway? I didn't have any on me, and even if I did, they would have found it when they searched me."

Kirk contemplated a moment, and then said, "Let's just say someone could have slipped it to you. We couldn't let that happen; you see, we can't save you from the effects of the cyanide. Not like we did from the pneumonia…"

"What?" Hogan exclaimed, "You saved me from the pneumonia?"

Kirk smiled. "Yes, well, actually, it was Dr. McCoy…we beamed him down to your quarters once your men left. One shot from his hypodermic needle, and, voila! You were cured!"

"Beamed down? Hypodermic… All right, just what is going on here?" Hogan shouted, becoming angry.

"We could not allow you to die, sir," Spock said, "Our records indicate that, should you do so, it will irreparably change the course of history. It is necessary that you survive the war."

"It is?" Hogan was becoming more confused, "How do you…I mean, how could you know that? Unless you're from the…future…" His eyes grew impossibly wide.

Kirk grinned. "Something like that."

"Captain," Spock said, "There is one more thing…"

"Oh, right, Mr. Spock." Kirk became serious again. "Colonel, there is a mission coming up soon that is going to require four men. You have to make sure Olsen is one of them."

"Why Olsen?" Hogan asked, becoming suspicious again.

"Because he's going to get shot…and he's not going to make it." Kirk replied quietly.

"What? You're crazy! I'm not going to send one of my men out to be killed!"

"If you do not," Spock stated calmly, "Major Hochstetter will discover your operation after capturing Olsen in town and using him as bait to lure you into a trap. Major Hochstetter will then have you and everyone else in this barracks executed, and the rest of the prisoners will be marched to work camps. Many men will die that were not supposed to. Do you understand?"

Hogan thought about it for a while. "Are you sure about this?" He asked at last.

"I'm afraid so," Kirk replied.

Hogan nodded. "I guess the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one."

Kirk and Spock shot a glance at each other. "Well said," Kirk uttered as he clapped Hogan on the shoulder. He got up from the chair he'd been sitting on and turned to his first officer. "Looks like our job here is done, Mr. Spock."

"Yes, Captain," Spock answered.

As they started to leave, Hogan called out, "Wait! Can't you tell me anything about the future?"

Kirk turned back to him. "Like what, Colonel?"

"Like, uh, World Series scores, maybe?"

Kirk smiled. "Sorry, that's cheating." Then he and Spock left; satisfied to have saved the future once again.

The men finished reading the story that Kinch had just received from HQ. They leaned back and sighed.

"So, that's why Olsen gets killed!" Carter exclaimed at last. "Well, at least there's a reason for it."

"Oui," LeBeau said, "And it's not like it's permanent, anyway."

Newkirk nodded. "True, he'll bounce back, just like the Colonel; won't he, sir?"

"Yes, I'm sure he will," Hogan reassured him. "So," he continued, addressing his men, "Who wants to go find him?"

"I will," Kinch volunteered.

"All right, Kinch," Hogan said, "And when you do, just bring him back here, so he can read this for himself. I'm sure once he does, he'll understand."

After Kinch left, LeBeau asked Hogan, "Do you think that writer will ever stop killing us, Colonel?"

"I hope so," Hogan muttered; then reached up and began to rub his shoulder. "I don't need any more visits from Kirk and Spock!"

The End