So here we go, folks. The dramatically angsty chapter I know you've been waiting for ^__^ My lovely hubby has just proof-read it and got a little choked up so you gals may want to grab some tissues and a big ol' slab of chocolate (I know I want to!)
As always, please read and review. Fank ou.
The truth was out.
Rimmer stared blankly before him, trying to take it all in.
They knew he was a hologram.
He screwed his eyes closed in a pained frown. He could only vaguely recollect returning to the Colony; his monochrome-hued memories clouded in static, as if he'd been drunk. But the look on their faces - as Ron and Ellie realised what he was - the fear that was plain in their eyes would always haunt him.
For the last two days he'd kept his distance from the Colony's inhabitants for fear of the backlash he felt to be inevitable; taking refuge in Wildfire as it sat alone in the Landing Bay. But with no news of McGruder's wellbeing reaching him in the still, silent darkness, he felt compelled to see for himself if he was alright.
He waited until darkness fell on the second day, when the people had dispersed to retire for the evening and the stars were free to sparkle through the glass dome once more. Keeping to the shadows and slipping past the distant sounds of hushed talk and laughter, Rimmer felt even more like a ghost walking, unwelcome, amongst the living.
As soon as Rimmer peered around the door to the MediBay, he was relieved to see McGruder awake and conscious. Casting nervous eyes around the room and realising that Ellie was nowhere to be seen, he approached the bed tentatively; booted footfall sounding meek echoes across the walls.
"Hey. You ok?" he whispered.
A welcome smile inched across McGruder's face at Rimmer's awkwardness. "I've been better," he joked hoarsely, struggling to haul himself into a seated position. "Luckily the Space Corps' gene fiddling means I can heal pretty quickly. Ellie reckons I'll be out of here tomorrow." He scratched in irritation at the needle drip in his left hand. "Boring as hell being stuck in here though."
Rimmer sighed raggedly. "Listen, did Ellie mention anything to you in the last couple of days? About me, I mean?"
"Like what?"
"She - " Rimmer paused to correct himself. "They know that I'm a hologram."
"Ellie and Ron?" McGruder winced. "Crap."
"I couldn't help it. My projection corrupted when I brought you here." Rimmer bit his lip. "I'm guessing I'm now as popular around here as Judas Iscariot at a Disciples Reunion."
McGruder shrugged helplessly as he rolled the outcomes through his mind. "Well, neither the nurses nor Ellie have mentioned anything to me. There could be a good chance they haven't told anybody about you." He offered a reassuring smile. "Besides, the fact of the matter is that we both made it back here safe, right? No biggie."
The concern pinching Rimmer's brow swiftly making the inevitable evolution to a reproachful frown. "McGruder don't say it like that. Why did you have to put your life on the line back there, anyway?" he scolded. "You could have got yourself killed!"
The smile slowly retreated from McGruder's face. "You're welcome," he replied pointedly.
But Rimmer was not to be swayed. "McGruder, I'm serious. You're immortal not invincible. I can't be hurt." He ran guilty eyes across the wires of the drip feeding into McGruder's hand. "You can."
Flustered, McGruder covered the drip needle with free his hand, a feeble attempt at masking his weakness. "That doesn't take away my right to intervene," he insisted tersely. "I chose to help. I didn't think you'd come here and tell me off like you were - " He stopped himself suddenly, before staring back hard. "I thought you'd be grateful."
Rimmer shook his head, wracked with guilt. "I could have handled the situation myself. It's my responsibility, not yours." His eyes flitted over the now faint white lines that etched McGruder's face and arms, where the cuts and grazes had faded but the memories felt just as raw. This boy was far too keen to throw himself into a scrap; his SCM training clearly still an engrained part of him that strained for release. "You didn't need to put yourself at risk just to prove a point to me."
McGruder's eyes flashed with anger. "What's wrong with you? Why can't you just admit that you can't possibly do everything alone? Or realise that other people might want to help you?"
Rimmer scoffed, taken aback at the sudden outburst. "I didn't think - "
"That's the whole point," McGruder cut in. "You don't think. You don't even realise what you're doing. As long as you get to play the hero, all's right with the universe in your eyes. You don't even stop to consider how much you hurt the people you leave behind."
Rimmer hurriedly glanced behind him to see if McGruder's ranting was attracting any unwanted attention. Nobody seemed to have heard them. "Look," he began carefully, dropping his voice low and biting back some choice words. "You're not well and you're drugged up on painkillers so I'm just going to let that go, ok?"
"I think that I'm compus mentus enough to understand what an ungrateful, condescending jackass you're being," McGruder snapped back.
Rimmer's face darkened. "You know, I simply came here to see if you were alright and funnily enough, I don't fancy sticking around to listen to you insulting me," he bristled, flashing a scowl at the man before him before turning to leave. "So if you don't mind - ?"
Riled, McGruder snorted at his back. "Arnold J. Rimmer - doing what he does best. Walking away."
Turning back, Rimmer blinked in surprise as if he'd been stung. "What did you call me?"
There was a silence before McGruder spoke. "It's your real name isn't it?" He stared back expressionless.
Rimmer's eyes narrowed as he tried to decipher the look on McGruder's face. "How on Io did you - ?" He stopped as realisation dawned. "Ahh," he acknowledged, hands on his hips as he nodded, understanding. "You heard me and Ellie talking, didn't you?" He shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant, but even hearing his old name made him feel embarrassed about his past self. "I don't understand why you're getting so funny about it. It's not like it changes anything - "
"It changes everything!" McGruder cried suddenly. At Rimmer's blank look, he shook his head in disbelief. "You don't get it, do you? It never crossed your mind that your real name might be important?"
Rimmer growled inwardly. He was rapidly losing patience for this. "What do you want me to say?" he snapped, his old snide voice faintly biting through the measured tones of Ace's. He threw open his arms, exasperated. "What do you want from me?"
McGruder's eyes searched his, his face wrestling with some unspoken battle before dropping wordlessly to the folds of the bed. He was gripping the sheets so hard, his knuckles had turned white.
"It was my name," Rimmer conceded tightly. "But it's not who I am anymore, ok?" He turned to leave, his face like thunder. "End of."
He'd almost reached the doorway when McGruder murmured two words that stopped him cold.
"Red Dwarf."
Shaken to the core, Rimmer had to press a hand against the doorframe as he slowly swivelled back to face him. There was no way he could have known that.
"How did you - ?"
"Is that where you met her?" McGruder pressed. "Do you even remember her or was she just another easy lay for you?" His eyes began to well up with angry tears as he stared back hard. "She loved you, you ungrateful bastard." His shoulders shuddered. "She loved you."
Rimmer could only stare back at him. "Who are you talking about?" he asked carefully.
The fear in McGruder's eyes was evident, but he swept it to one side as he wiped his nose with a sniff to try and claw back his composure. "You know, ever since I was a kid, she used to tell me how great you were. All the wonderful things you'd done and how modest and humble a man you'd always been." His face hardened, the tears fighting for return. "But it was all bullshit, wasn't it? She was just feeding me a pack of lies so I'd grow up wanting to be just like you."
Rimmer was shaking visibly now, the quivers echoing in his voice. "Who are you talking about?" he asked once more, as evenly as we was able.
Teetering dangerously on the precipice, there was only one way to fall. "Yvonne McGruder. Remember her now?" he challenged with all the venom he could muster, before swallowing hard. "My mother."
For one single moment, the universe and its reality seemed to slow; simultaneously slotting into place and shattering to pieces all in one terrible, deathly silence.
It was as if McGruder had dealt him a physical blow. Dizzy with disbelief, Rimmer slumped against the doorframe, blinking hard and fast. This man before him was his - ? His mouth hung open as it tried in vain to express the enormity of the onslaught of emotions he felt into the cruel limitations of language.
Instead, he shook his head. "No," he muttered.
Recoiling in stunned, hurt disbelief, McGruder almost laughed. Almost. "What?" he managed.
Rimmer screwed his eyes closed, clambering to untangle the knotted mess his mind had become. "No, she couldn't have been -- We used - "
Rimmer stopped dead. Had they used any protection? He knew the rules of safe sex had been drummed into him since the tender age of nine, and he'd never been the sort to go against regulations. But they'd downed almost a bottle and a half of claret waiting for the pizza to arrive. He'd felt squiffy and emboldened. They'd got carried away…
Rimmer kneaded at his eyes with the heels of his hands. "But she left," he implored, his brain desperately trying to shutter down the defences. "She left Red Dwarf on shore leaveat Miranda in the summer and just never came back - " The kneading stopped as a swift burst of mental arithmetic resulted in gut-wrenching realisation. April, May, June… Three months.
"She'd have known the JMC's protocol regarding mandatory termination on long-haul missions," McGruder mumbled quietly. "She bailed out whilst she could still hide it."
Shaking hands dropping loosely by his side, Rimmer opened his eyes. McGruder still sat there before him, yet now he could see Yvonne staring back at him through his gaze. He wanted to laugh. He wanted to be sick.
He blinked unsteadily, pulling back from the doorway with uncertain steps. "I-I'm sorry."
McGruder shook his head, his stomach plummeting like a lead weight. "Don't do this."
"I'm sorry. I can't - "
McGruder's face hardened as he struggled to sit up further in the bed. "Don't do this," he repeated emphatically. "Please - "
But Rimmer no longer heard him. Instead, he did what had always come naturally to Arnold J. Rimmer.
He ran.
He ran until his chest burned, sucking in lungfuls of cold air that he didn't even need. He sprinted openly past the last dredges of milling groups that still lingered in the square, barely even registering the shocked looks that crossed their faces.
Thinking that he'd heard someone calling after him, he glanced momentarily over his shoulder as he ran, his attention snatched for a fraction of a second. Enough of a distraction that he barrelled clumsily into an unseen person, the pair latching onto one another instinctively as they fought to regain their balance.
Glancing up, Rimmer froze as he stared back into a pair of computer-blue eyes just like Yvonne's. Evie was holding him steadily by the arms, concern pinching her brow as her eyes searched his. His jaw quivered as he stared back at her. Click.
"Ace, are you - ?"
Rimmer tore himself out of her grasp, a sound he didn't even realise he could make escaping his throat.
He raced towards the Landing Bay and ducked under the shuttered door, his hurried booted footfall echoing across the dark empty space. Hauling himself back up into Wildfire's cockpit, he listened for the glass hood to hiss shut over him before he let forth a shuddered gasp, slumping forward with his head between his knees.
Wildfire's dashboard illuminated with a ripple of white light across its surface. The computer listened wordlessly as Rimmer's short, rapid breaths caught in his throat.
"Ace?" She probed gently. "Are you alright?"
The sound of her voice made him stop still all of a sudden. Even the panicked breaths seemed to cease as for a full minute, he stopped breathing completely. He raised his head slightly, just enough to stare darkly into her dashboard camera through the wisps of his fringe. Snaking out an unsteady arm, his fingers trembling visibly, be began to type a name into the mainframes search engine.
McGruder
The computer seemed flustered but tried to keep her voice as steady as possible. "What are you doing?" she asked carefully.
Two entries flashed up in neon green text on the screen.
McGruder, Yvonne
McGruder, Michael
He dropped the cursor down to the second entry and tapped 'Enter'. A new text box immediately flashed up demanding a password. The entry had been date-locked.
"Ace, don't," the computer implored gently. "It's protected for a reason."
But Rimmer ignored her, typing in a date he knew with a wrench of gut instinct to be the password.
16.03.76 - the date he slept with Yvonne.
And out poured everything.
His eyes widened as they flitted left and right, taking in the reams of text that detailed the thousands of Michael McGruders out there in the infinite cosmos. Some still with his original crew of the Mayflower, some battling the Rage on the Black Planet, some stuck as prisoners in Cyberia, some creating human settlements such as the Colony, others deceased or missing in action.
McGruder's profile picture stared back at him from the corner of the screen, most likely sourced from the Space Corps files. Rimmer traced the outline of his jaw, the shape of his eyes and could finally see, with a horrible sense of irony, why he'd been reminded of his brother John when they'd first met.
Half-turning, he jumped visibly as he noticed a face staring back at him through the dark glass of the cockpit hood; terrified that for a chest-wrenching moment, McGruder had come to confront him. And then he realised, with an equal flutter of relief and fear, that it was his own reflection. Keeping his trembling to a minimum, his eyes locked with the visage before him as if afraid to shatter the illusion. So it was true. They were one and the same.
Rimmer tore his gaze away. He shouldn't even be here. Neither of them should be here.
He should have gone after Yvonne when she left. He could have looked after her. Offered to pay child support, marry her, anything. His mind began to run amok. He had savings - $£24,000 for smeg's sake. Enough to rent a small place on Io and get their lives started, together. No scornful parents or mocking brothers to intervene. Just him, Yvonne and their son. Their son. Their son.
On the surface, the revelation was wondrous. Breathtaking.
Yet scrape the surface, and it was evident that it had spawned something far darker. A raging sense of injustice that began to burn inside him. A black creature that would begin to torture him relentlessly with the question - what if, what if, what if…?
"Computer - " he choked in his old, nasal voice. "Was there a Michael McGruder in my dimension?"
"Ace, don't go down that road. It'll drive you mad - you won't come back."
Rimmer's hands balled into tight fists. "Just answer me straight," he demanded. He tried to keep his voice even, although he could feel it cracking at the edges; raw, unbridled emotion threatening to seep through. "Was there or was there not a Michael McGruder in my dimension?"
"The results from your predecessors are inconclusive. There's no record of a Michael McGruder in your dimension. He probably never existed."
Rimmer's face hardened with resolve as he peeled off the blonde wig to reveal his natural, brown curls underneath. "Or they never found him."
"Ace, no, you can't -"
"He's my son!" cried suddenly, angry tears beginning to well in his eyes. "So who the hell are you to tell me what I can and cannot do?" he added darkly. "And you knew the whole time, all these years, and didn't even think to tell me?!"
"Ace - "
"We're going back. Key in a jump to Dimension 23101986K."
The computer was silent.
Rimmer sniffed. "Fine, I'll do it myself."
He turned his attention back to the control panel and began to hammer ineffectually at the keypad. Nothing happened. He tried again. The screen remained frozen.
"Have you locked me out - ?" he breathed, his voice dangerously unsteady.
"It's for your own protection, Ace. Protocol 73642."
Rimmer thumped his hands down hard onto the dashboard. "Throw another 'protocol' at me again, and I'll show you who needs protection when I perform some rather archaic re-programming on your CPU with a sledgehammer." The vengeful tears still quivered in his eyes. "This is not your call."
The computer remained firm. "You know all too well that to be Ace you cannot have any ties - familial or otherwise." She paused for a moment."Your predecessors knew that, which is why they hid it from you."
Rimmer's fingers curled back against the cold, metal surface as he wrestled with the premise. None of them had done anything about it? Not one had given up being Ace to be a father? His head sunk into hands as he gripped his long, thin fingers in the curls of his hair and tugged.
"And that's why you'll have to hide it from the Aces that follow you."
He shook uncontrollably. Everything he'd ever dreamt of, but never had the chance to achieve, was being paraded in front of him like some sick, perverted torture.
A wife. A home. A son.
A normal, happy mortal life, where he was free to live out his days and die content.
Where his descendents walked through the grassy fields of Io, bathed in the orange glow of the beautiful sunsets. Not stuck out in the middle of deep space, scraping together a survival on a space station with the constant threat of hostile attack.
Not this twisted, immortal existence where he spent month after month, year after year fighting, killing, surviving. Nobody by his side. Facing the infinite universe, and its relentless dangers, alone.
He broke down. Bitter sobs escaped as the tears finally began track down his cheeks.
"It's not fair," he insisted, shaking his head in despair. "It's not fair."
"No," the computer conceded quietly, although the logic would never be clear to her. "It's not fair."