Chapter Four

"Its raining again.." Usagi looked out of the window from her kneeled position on the bed a small frown gracing her lips. She had been so looking forward to going outside again but she had been told that there was no way she could go out in the rain again- her doctor was worried she might catch something and he had enough problems with getting her to eat and talk as it was. Moving, she shifted so her legs were over the edge of the bed and looked over to the bedside cabinet and pulled a scrunchie off the top of it- reaching up and tieing her hair back into a simple ponytail just to keep it out of her face while she waited for her next appoinment. Her recovery was going incredibly well according to Dr Johnson, so much so he had jokingly asked if she were an alien in disguise. Oh how close he was to the truth, not that she was ever going to say anything to him about that particular part of her life. As far as she was concerned she was no longer that person and if the healing abilities had transferred over then it just meant she could get out of the place much faster than she had originally hoped- anywhere away from here and that Valentine woman was good.

A knock at the door startled her and she looked up to see her father standing there with a large pink teddy bear in his arms along with a balloon or two.

"These are from your mother," He popped the bear down at the end of the bed and put the weighted balloons onto one of the hard plastic orange chairs. Once his arms were free he gave her a brief hug, unsure on how she would take the physical contact but he needn't have worried, she returned the hug if only a slight squeexe of her arms before she had let go. He gave her a brilliant smile and sat down next to her. "Dr Johnson says you can come home honey- your mother is so excited she says your room is just as you left it (if somewhat cleaner) and she'll make your favourite dinner as well." Well...that almost sounded good apart from the fact that her room was currently pink and she had decided she was going to have a bit of a change in the favourite colour department and as for the food, whilst it was a nice offer from her mother she really doubted she would even bring it to her lips. The only reason she was eating at the moment was because she wasn't allowed out if she didn't eat several mouthfulls of the vile stuff they called food.

Sensing that he was waiting for an answer she nodded once, "That sounds good." It was a tiny lie really. It did sound good, it just wasn't going to turn out that way if she had her way about things. There was also the feeling in the back of her mind that her mother was going to be the one to change drastically when she returned back to the house. From what she had seen already, Usagi already knew her mother was in denial about the whole thing. She would rather pretend that her daughter hadn't tried to kill herself instead of living with the guilt that she hadn't been able to stop her from being like that. Usagi could never blame her family really- they had done their best and had done everything in their power to try and help it....it was just a pity that she couldn't be helped and she couldn't be saved from the darkness that had seeped into her heart over everything. The only friends she seemed to have at the moment were the people who had always been by her side. She was glad for Molly, she really was. She was a good friend and she really hadn't deserved to be treated the way she had- she made a mental note to get the girl something as soon as she was free from this awful white building with its disinfectant smell and glaring lights. And of course there were the outers. Especially Hotaru and Setsuna. The pair of them tried to come every day and for some reason just seeing them put a small smile on her lips for a moment or two and it brightened her day. She seemed to look forward to those moments than any other when it came to her visitors.

Her mind went back to that conversation with the doctor. 'How do you feel about them?'

She didn't know. She had always thought of them as friends and nothing more until she had learnt of her other 'friends' real thoughts of her and she had simply assumed everyone else thought the same of her and she had simply shut down. Everything she had done, everything she had sacrificed was for the people around her- the people she had loved more than anything else in the universe- and they had simply turned on her and shut her out and left her to die. Of course now she knew that the outers had never been a part of that and that they wanted to kill the inners for their part in this but Usagi had forbidden it as soon as she had been able to. She didn't want another Senshi war to break out, especially over her.

"Usagi?" Her father brought her out of her thoughts with a jolt "Are you alright?" He was looking down at her arms and following his eyes she was surprised to see herself digging into the one arm with her nails. She couldn't draw blood because of the bandages but now that she realised she was doing it the slight stinging pain hit her senses. Letting go she nodded and looked away. Now she was starting to lose track of the things going around her. Even in her worst times before this she had never been that ignorant of what was happening. Of course things changed and perhaps she was going insane. Not that she could blame herself if she did- she was surprised it hadn't happened already, afterall it had happened to other Senshi in other worlds (not that she was meant to know that of course).

"I'm alright....just thinking." She murmered as she played with her hair, her eyes back on the bandages wrapped to her elbows. If she had had her way she would have had them removed but at the suggestion her mother had taken a sharp intake of breath and had looked at her husband with wide, alarmed eyes. Usagi had decided then to keep them on, if only to help save her mother's sanity and to keep up the pretence that everything was fine- although in her opinion keeping the bandages only drew attention to the whole matter. She made a vow to get them off her skin as soon as she was able to- even if it meant she had to go and live somewhere else away from her family.

"Anythinh interesting?"

"Not really, I was thinking that some ice cream with my special dinner would be nice." She could practically feel the happiness radiate from the man at her words and she suddenly knew she was going to regret ever saying those words to him. She guessed that he would be on the phone to her mother as soon as he had found out when she was being released and her mother would be down the supermarket faster than you could say 'moon'. Not that she wanted to disappoint them any more than she aleady had but it was just the thought of having to eat and pretend to be normal all for a lie. Oh, she was turning so bitter in her old age. She really needed to stop thinking about herself in this and let her mother have the lie if she wanted it- if only to keep her happy for the short time before Usagi was able to get about unsupervised and she could have another go at it.

"Your mother will be glad to hear that, and so will your brother. We miss you sweety we want you to come home as soon as possible so we can be a family again." He pressed a kiss against her forhead at his words. Of course they missed her. She was his daughter and he loved her so very much and although he always seemed to be overprotective was because he couldn't bear the thought of a man hurting his precious princess. Of course he had never counted on her friends being the one to do this to her- he had always thought them to be lovely girls who had loved Usagi at one point. But things had changed and they had abandoned her. He had watched his little girl fall apart at the seams and watched her slowly die in front of him. It wasn't right for a parent to go through that. If her attempt had succeeded he would have had to bury his baby and the very thought sent shivers through him. Oh how he wanted to do something about this but he found himself powerless. He didn't know what to do about this and so he simply tried to stay cheerful for her, to show her that she was missed and loved more than anything else in the world. He would protect her from this even if it meant living the lie his wife had wound about herself. He was suddenly glad of the few friends the girl did have- they had been here for everything since they had found out about the attempt and they hadn't left her side. They were the true friends even if they looked older than his daughter (not counting that nice and polite Hotaru girl). However there was something about them that also set him on edge but he couldn't put his finger on it. He supposed it would all come out at some point- he just hoped that it was for the good and that it would not ruin what he had left of his family.

"I really ought to get going though- I only wanted to pop in to see how you were and to drop these off for you." He stood and brushed himself down out of habit even though there was nothing on his trousers. "I'll come and visit with your brother tomorrow alright?" He pressed another kiss on her head and then made his way out of the room.

Although she loved her dad very much she was glad that he had gone to that she was left to her thoughts once more. She didn't doubt for one moment that she had long left to herself until the next person came along. She always seemed to have someone coming in to check on her or visit her nearly every hour and it was starting to grate on her a little bit. Didn't anyone understand the meaning of peace and quiet? With a sigh she threw herself back onto the bed and looked up at the plain white ceiling. She could at least these few minutes to sort out some of the thoughts in her head. She had so many at the moment she wasn't sure where she was heading anymore.

Right. First thing first she had to think about what Dr Johnson had said about her feelings. He was always trying to get her to open up to him and if she wasn't going to do it to him she might as well try and open up to herself. The problem with that was she had to admit certain things that she really didn't want to admit to. There were things floating in her mind that were wrong, things that she should never admit to not even to herself even though she was well aware of what she had done and what she was more than likely to do in the future. Afterall she was the only person in the universe who actually knew her heart and min completely (even though others did try to get in there to see for themselves- nosy sods).

How did she feel about Hotaru and Setsuna? Apart from the obvious? They were loyal friends and loyal soldiers. They had already proved time and time again that they would die for her even if it meant being damned for using their forbidden abilities. She bit her lip as she remembered all of those times, the way they had simply smiled at her in serenity as if it was nothing that they were sacrificing everything just for. She supposed she ought to have noticed it before- she had seen the way Haruka and Michiru were with each, the love that radiated off them whenever they were together and the loniless that came off them when they were apart. Usagi wasn't blind, she knew that those two were made for one another- they would always be together through every life they would ever live and Usagi was somewhat jealous of that. She had thought she had had that at one point but it had turned into nothing more than a massive lie that had caused her to lose the innocence that had once shone in her eyes and soul. But coming back to the other two....she had seen the way that they had looked at one another hoping that no one would notice the sly glances, that small touch of the hand that was by 'accident'. Usagi could see all of that but for some reason she had blocked that knowledge when it came to herself. All those times they had jumped in front of her, all of those small smiles that only she ever seemed to receive and the fact that only those two seemed to live in the hospital along with her. How could she have been so blind to such obviousness? She really was a ditz wasn't she? She hadn't even bothered to care about what anyone else had thought about her suicide. She had simply gone headfirst into it like she went to everything else.

"I'm an idiot," She sighed as she closed her eyes. She really did need to open her eyes didn't she? Perhaps some of what the others had said was true. She was an idiot, unworthy of being a Senshi and completely unworthy of ever being loved- especially by two people as special as these.

"And why is that?" Her eyes flew open to see none other than Valentine standing above her, a twisted sort of smile on her lips, "Are we having a breakthrough of this icy exterior I wonder?"

"What are you doing in here?" She tried to sit up but suddenly found herself unable to. "What?" She tried to twist her body but she was held down fast.

"I wouldn't bother trying to break free. I'm rather good at holding magic and I think this is a perfect time to introduce myself don't you think?" The copper haired woman gave a cruel open mouthed smile and her form shifted and Usagi bit her lip to stop herself from screaming aloud. "Its been a while little princess and to think that I could kill you now!" A lowered hand carressed the girl's face who tried desperatly to get her face away from the touch but only succeeding in scratching her face on the long sharp nails. "However, I think it would be much more interesting in killing everyone else first and making you watch. I think that would be very fitting for you to see everyone die and know that it was your fault." She leaned down and softly whispered the last part into her ear before pulling away, her form shifting back into that of Valentine. "I'll be seeing you princess."

As soon as she had left her room, Usagi found herself free and she scooted back until her back hit the headboard. Her eyes wide in terror she looked at the door half expecting the woman to come back in again and change her promise. A small whimper came from her lips as she curled up into as tight a ball as possible. Why hadn't she died the first time? Why was the universe punishing her like this? Why? She bit her lip so hard that the coppery tang of blood touched her tastebuds but she didn't more or stop biting.

"Usagi?" The shocked voice of Setsuna startled her and she looked up with wide, scared eyes at the two who had taken up her thoughts for most of the day. Setsuna closed the door behind her and Hotaru and moved quickly to the side of the bed, sitting down and pulling the obviously terrified girl into her arms, Hotaru soon had her arms wrapped around the two of them and they held the girl between them- although they both wished it were in different circumstances.

"Whats wrong?" Hotaru whispered as she tried to look at Usagi's face, "Usagi-chan?"

"Its her....she came back...." Came the slightly broken whisper of the girl. This young woman had faced so many evils and had even faced their worst enemy with only the smallest of flinches but she had never backed down but this unknown woman had terrified her into a trembling mess. They had never seen her like this before.

"Who?"

Usagi looked at Setsuna, her eyes betraying her as she tried to force the words out.

"Beryl....." It was barely even a whisper and they had had to strain to hear it but hear it they did and they suddenly understood why she was so terrified. Beryl was the one who had destroyed Serenity and had made her into this girl who now was being held between two of the more powerful senshi- but even then they too were afraid. Afraid what it would mean for the girl they loved.

Her eyes closed as she tried to desperatly lock away how she was feeling but she couldn't get those words out of her head. Why wouldn't they go away? Was it some kind of magic? Perhaps it was magicked into her head so that she couldn't forget, not that she ever had. It was the one thing that woul always haunt her no matter how many lives she would live through.

'Because it is always your fault they die'

End Chapter

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