Thanks for the reviews! Being my first fic I really appreciate any criticism, good or bad.
It wasn't so very late nor was it very dark as I dragged myself home but I knew he would be waiting in his chair. As I reached the door I conjured up his voice and how he would look in my head. My hand slipped from the knob and I almost ran away. I couldn't, he was after all my father.
The door pushed in as I made my way into the room. My father sat in his big chair that always made me think of a throne. He had been facing the door obviously waiting for me to come home.
" Where have you been Ernst?" He asked with a calm collect tone that reached through the air and gripped me and wouldn't let go.
" Out with a class mate. I was trying to help him with his psalms." The made up story picked at all of fathers favorite things like me being intelligent at psalms. He smiled and I wanted to shrivel up.
" With who?" He growled the smile still tugging at the corners of his mouth. I hadn't thought of this part but I knew at once I couldn't say Melchior. Father hates that boy although I don't see how he could.
" Moritz." Father approved of Moritz. Father's crocodile smile remained on his face but he nodded his head a signal for me to go to my room. I was walking on air as I made my way down the short hallway. If father didn't hit me right as soon as I came home he usually wouldn't hit me until the morning. I slipped silently into my room and just as I closed the door behind me I heard the doorbell ring. Thinking it was one of mama's friends coming for a late visit I began to slip into my pajamas.
As I slipped my shirt over my head thoughts of Moritz and Melchior and Hanschen filled my head. I tried to puzzle out their strange actions but each train of thought led me in dizzying circles. I sat on my bed the cool air feeling slightly off against my bare chest.
"Ernst!" His voice made my mind turn black. What could he want? I was in bed. I swear I didn't do anything. This had to be some sick prank. I sat in bed wondering whether or not I should move.
"Ernst!" The voice came again only louder. I could feel all thoughts of joy slip from my head as I slowly stood up. I reached my door knob a foreboding noise echoing to my ears as I pushed the door forward. I made my way slowly down the dark never ending corridor. Each step rang out. I knew I was headed into the arms of another punishment. He was standing in the middle of the living room waiting for me. I stopped at the end of the hallway my legs unwilling to move forward.
" Yes Sir?" He beckoned me closer with a sharp twitch of his finger tips. I reluctantly stood before him my head hanging low.
" Look at me!" He thundered. I peered out from beneath my hair. I watched as his hand drew back. It came down hard against my head sending me toppling to the floor. I tried to stop my fall with my arms only succeeding in hitting my elbow along with my head. The hit had been expected, my father bearing down on my was not. He managed to grab my head and hair all in one hand as he pushed me against the ground.
" Who was at the door Ernst?" I went to reply but he cut me off. " Moritz! He wanted to make sure you were ok after the teachers punishment today. Lying again!" I shook Moritz had no idea what his act of kindness would mean for me. Father took my head and pushed it harder into the ground
" do you hear them Ernst?" he cried in my ear.
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Was all I could manage with my face being constricted by the floor boards. My apologies prodded him into an even more invigorated rage acting like dry wood to a hungry fire.
" It is the demons, Ernst, calling your name! This is as far away from hell as you are ever going to be! And each day you just keep getting closer and closer and closer!" With each word he dragged my tear streaked face against the sticky hard wood. I squeezed my eyes closed praying for a savior. When I threw them open I saw my mother standing watching the grim display. She didn't smile and she didn't frown. She just stood there and watched. All the sounds of my father screaming slipped away and I held onto my hope that mother would make everything go away. Just for a moment our eyes locked and I pleaded silently with her. She turned her back to me and walked back down the hallway. As I watched her go I thought for a moment I could actually hear the demons crying my name out.
"Mama..." I whimpered out.
" Don't you drag her down to hell with you!" My father growled in my face. " You are never going to change! Lets take you somewhere so god doesn't have to view such an abomination!" I froze. Any beating would be better than this punishment that I knew all too well. He began dragging me by my hair towards the closet.
" No please! I am sorry Sir I will change. Oh god, please, no!" I screamed and kicked my feet. It was like I was fighting against a river current, no matter what I did it would just continue to sweep me up and careen me towards a ledge. He tossed me into the closet and locked the door behind me. As I was catapulted into absolute darkness images of my childhood flashed before me. Hours of whimpering locked in the closet after I had gotten my socks dirty or when I didn't come home at the exact time I was supposed to. I banged at the door.
" Please, please, I'm sorry" I moaned through the door.
" Shut up or I will leave you in there the whole week!" My father snarled banging back on the door. I jumped back and knocked into a mop and bucket that made a loud clatter. I slid my back down the wall in defeat as my eyes darted around wildly looking for the monsters hidden in the pitch black. No one could see me in this solid darkness ; not god, not the devil, not anyone. I was very much alone. No one on earth could hear me scream. I resigned myself to cry and shake.
When no more tears would come and I was too tired to fear the dark I curled up next to the bucket and wrapped my fingers into the dirty strands of the mop.
" Mama... Melchior... Moritz.... Hanschen... God... Daddy..." I whimpered out into the darkness as a few more leftover tears slipped down my cheeks. No one replied. I placated myself by focusing on the mop. I pretended the strands were Melchior's soft hair and Hanschen's strong fingers. They were Moritz's warm jacket. I cried and lived within each of there arms. Far away from gods sight I slept.
******
The door swung out and let a mass amount of wincing light into the closet. I crawled out to find my mothers slippered feet staring back at me.
" It is time for school." She said quietly. I straightened up and walked stiffly to my room my arms hugging tightly to my bare chest. With out thought I got dressed and gathered my books. There was no sign of father but rather than comfort me that fact scared me more. He could be any where ready with his harsh words and heavy hand.
I slipped out the front door. As I began walking promised myself I would do nothing to anger father today. It was time to show how good I could be. I pondered how I could accomplish this task. I won't get the teacher angry and I won't lie. I won't talk to the boys, I wont even think about them. It is wrong and sinful and I will have none of that. For the most part I must be invisible. I was so caught up in my attempt at invisibility that I did not hear the rushed footsteps hurry from behind me. Solid arms spun me and wrapped me in a strong embrace
" I am so sorry. I didn't know..." Moritz whispered into my hair. I closed my eyes. I didn't care about what Moritz didn't know. All that mattered was his warmth and body so close to mine. I moaned. He was making my good behavior promise very hard to keep. Reluctantly I pulled away. He stared at me so intently I looked down and blushed. He became Moritz again as he began fumbling for words.
" I was... after I..... and then you. What I mean to say is... after I spoke with your father I decided to wait outside your house for a bit. I heard..." he couldn't have. I wanted to scream and run away but I couldn't move. I wanted to curl up inside myself and disappear forever. Now two people know how bad I am. It is supposed to be my secret. " I heard you screaming." He shuddered " I heard everything."
I couldn't look at Moritz. He tilted my head up gently so our eyes would meet.
" Ernst I need.... you... I need you to know... I need to know..." His face twitched an inch closer almost as if he were going to... I gasped. As if that broke him from his confused thoughts he jumped back.
" We should get to school. We can't be late." He let out an awkward chuckle. He began his unintelligible Latin mumbling again as he took a few steps forward. I stood rooted to the ground my thoughts and wants rocketing around my head like angry hornets. He had been so close I could feel his breath on my lips and I had wanted nothing more than to feel his lips pressing reassuringly against mine. How could my promise of good behavior be so easily broken?
Moritz soon realized I wasn't following and he took a few paces to come back to me. He put his hand lightly on my shoulder.
" Come on I don't want to get you in trouble... again." His eyes clouded with a deep sorrow. He looked over my shoulder to where my house sat innocently enough. He brought his hand down my arm and gave a light tug at my hand. He led me lightly, his fingers in mine, all the way to school.
There had never been a time when I wished school was farther from my home but the thought crossed my mind as Moritz guided me along the path. As we reached the courtyard the bell tolled and Moritz gently slid his hand out of mine. I stood for a moment trying to savor the imprint of warmth left behind by his touch but it was fleeting and quickly left my skin. I looked up to see Melchior and Hanschen watching Moritz and I stand alone in the courtyard. When the two boys realized I was looking Hanschen turned away disinterested but Melchior returned my gaze steadily until I had to look away.
I walked into the classroom expecting everyones eyes to be on me. A sense of paranoia gripped me. How many boys can say they have held hands with Moritz? I looked at my palm to make sure it was not glowing red marking my intimacy. I looked around to see no one looking back. They all had their own world and I was nothing to them. I slipped into my seat and looked to the front of the room where the teacher was beginning to stand. He thumped his cane on the ground to get our attention. A hush fell over the room as the teachers smile broadened.
" Alright boys, gym class!" And I thought this day couldn't get worse.
NOTE: I promise the next chapter is happier. thank you : )