thanks for all the great reviews they have helped alot. sorry to all the georg and otto fans out there i know they arn't really bullies its just what i first thought about them and it kind of stuck.
We got back to the locker room just in time to see Melchior slipping his shoe on. His head whipped up as Hanschen came through the door.
" Where have you been?" His voice sounded unusually harsh as he glared at Hanschen.
" Just ... experimenting. I was helping Ernst to become a better swimmer so he wouldn't end up like you. Do you have a problem with that Herr Gabor?" I could feel a sharp tension start rising up between the two and I itched to run away. I thought I heard Melchior growl but he was really uttering curses beneath his breath.
" That's what I thought." Hanschen said smuggle. I didn't know what their problem was and I was sure I didn't want to find out. Hanschen began walking away and I eagerly followed him. I looked back at Melchior to see him staring at the floor only one shoe on and the other in a state of limbo balancing off his toe. He was deep in thought and those trances could last for hours.
I slipped into my stall and got changed as quickly as possible in hopes of catching up with Hanschen. When I was done I hastily looked around the locker room. Disappointment flooded me as I realized Hanschen was gone along with everyone else. Head low I made my way back to class. When I opened the door silence fell over the room.
" So nice of you to join us Herr Robel." The trigonometry teacher sat bored at his desk as he picked absentmindedly at his sweater. " please take a seat and finish the equations on the board." I remembered my promise to myself and Father that I would have good behavior today and I tried fervently to focus on my studies. It was very difficult as all the numbers on the board swirled into a confusing jumble. I watched as Moritz's chalk scratched like frantic dancing feet across his board. I knew he would be here half the night working out these mysterious equations.
Melchior stood up obviously bored by what he thought were easy equations. Only a moment later Hanschen stood up also, tablet in hand. They both went to the front of the room and handed their work in. The teacher dismissed them as I tried even harder to solve the equations. I only had two left but they were by far the hardest.
After another five minutes my neck began to hurt from looking up at the board and the door so much. With a sigh I finally finished and listened as another person got up. I moved swiftly to the front and watched as Otto pulled up behind me to hand his work in. I didn't want to have to deal with Otto so I gathered my books quickly and tried to run out the door.
" Hey Ernst!" I flinched as I heard Otto call my name. " Umm can we talk?" He grunted as he ran to catch up to me.
" Of coarse." I looked down and rubbed my shoe in the dirt. I tried to look unassuming and innocent which was basically how I normally looked so it wasn't that difficult.
" I am sorry about, you know, all the stuff I have put you through." I was shocked and looked up to see Otto staring at my shoulder. He knew. There was no doubt about it. He must have seen the bruises or someone must have told him. I wondered how long it would be before the entire class new.
" Sure. I forgive you." I tried to smile but it got caught half way. Otto nodded and walked away nervously running a hand through his hair. I sighed feeling very tired. I leaned against the school and watched the sun set knowing father didn't expect me home for another fifteen minutes. If I went home early he would accuse me of skipping and there would be no way to explain that I finished trigonometry early. It was so very peaceful until I heard voices just around the corner of the school. Curious I peeked around to see who it was. To my surprise I saw Hanschen standing arms folded against his chest and Melchior pacing back and forth fervently.
" You can't toy with him like this! He . . . he is fragile." Melchior whisper screamed at Hanschen.
" Who says I am toying?" Hanschen, unaffected by Melchior's angry tone, smiled coolly. " I know enough about him to know what I want."
Melchior ran up to Hanschen and it looked as if he were going to hit him. I had never seen Melchior so angry. It frightened me so much so that I couldn't look away.
" You don't know anything about him. You just have something to gain! What is it?" Melchior pushed Hanschen back. Hanschen took a few steps to balance himself and lightly brushed off his jacket where Melchior had touched him.
" I think the better question is why do you care so much Melchior. If I began hanging out with Moritz you wouldn't try and stop me. So what makes him so special?" Melchior floundered. I gasped as I heard for the first time Melchior Gabor speechless. Both heads whipped in my direction. I flung myself around the wall to try and avoid their sight. I knew they would be unhappy with me if they knew I had been eavesdropping. I didn't want to talk to either of them especially when they were so on edge.
I began to run home and I didn't once look back. I got home and paused at the door hoping I wasn't home too early or too late. I pushed the door in expecting to see my Father in his throne waiting for me. Instead I had mom standing there with open arms and a happy smile.
" Oh Ernst, sweetie, father is away on a hunting trip!" she squealed excitedly. Father couldn't be away. It was impossible. Mother looked at me expectingly as if I was supposed to jump for joy.
" I have to go..." The words came out a harsh whisper surprising myself. It wasn't fair! Something snapped inside me. I had worked so hard to be good and he would never know! I wanted to stomp around and kick and scream. Mother looked on trying to puzzle out my words.
" But Ernst, darling, now is our chance to"
" I have to go now!" I cut her off with a panicked shout as I felt the walls closing in. She took a few steps towards me and I stumbled away tripping slightly over father's chair. I was breathing fast and my heart pounded in my chest painfully putting a beat to every moment.
" I won't be home tonight." I didn't know where I was going but I knew I couldn't stay in the house. Mother tried again to approach me but I backed away like a cornered animal.
" But sweetie..." she frowned and I thought she was going to cry. " Just please... be careful... for me." she looked down and I left her standing there alone as I began to run as fast as I could away from the house. I couldn't take being in there one more second. How could he go now? I had tried so hard! I did everything right and he was never going to know! My feet slammed against the road as I rocketed blindly down the path. He was supposed to be proud of me today! He was supposed to love me...
I pulled my sleeves across my eyes wiping away the tears that pricked at the corners of my eyes. I didn't know where I was going and I could feel my legs beginning to ache as they slowly dragged to a stomping walk. I looked around trying to regain my bearings but realized I had to sit down as my chest caught fire. Each breath was jagged and hurt and just made more tears spill over. Bitterness began to swallow me. The new emotion felt strange in my body. I wanted to laugh and scream and cry but nothing came out. It was bottled up and ate away at me. The irony was unbearable. I had worked all day for father. All I wanted to do was try and please him for once in my miserable life! Just when I think I am home free he goes away. He will never know how hard I worked!
I couldn't sit for long. My legs spurred me up again as I walked the rage dripping behind me slowly leaving my body. All that was left was exhaustion. I was too tired to harbor bitterness or anger or sadness. I looked around again and realized where my feet were taking me and I smiled softly. Leave it to my feet to know where my heart wanted to go.
***
The church grew as I walked sullenly along. Its beautiful steeple sprang into the air as if it were pointing right to god. I pushed the huge wooden doors aside as the last remaining rays of the sun slipped along my back. The church was empty save for two mice who skittered into their hole when I stepped in. When I took my first footstep on the stone floor the church bell rang out marking the eighth hour. With each step I took it chimed again until I reached the first pew. I sat and tried to feel god watching me.
I stared at the red and golden stained glass windows. I loved nothing more than coming in on Sundays and hearing the songs of the choir and the sermons and watching the sun create patterns as it filtered through the stained glass. I would make stories up about the people and places they depicted and I would love when the sun would shift just right to cast technicolor shadows on my pale skin.
I didn't know what to do as I stared up at the alter. I got up and slowly walked around feeling more at home here than I ever had before. I found a few matches and lit candles. I put a candle by the window and smiled as it flickered and danced. I knelt back down in the pew and felt a solemn duty to pray. I folded my hands about to begin silently thinking when I thought that god may hear me better if I spoke aloud.
" Dear god." my voice cracked with anxiety. I had never prayed out loud before and even my whispery voice echoed around the church. " It is me, Ernst, I hope you have time to listen. Things have been... very hard. I try my very best to please you and father but it seems like nothing works. I am sorry I mess up so much, I really don't try to. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me I will try doubly hard to make you happy. I want to thank you for everything you do for me and my friends. I wish to ask that you help Hanschen and Melchior solve there argument. I don't like to see them fight. I also wish you bless Otto and Georg. They are not all bad. Thank you lord for listening to me. I know you have a lot of other things to do." I bowed my head and sat silently with my eyes still closed for a few minutes longer hoping with all my might that the prayer0 made it to heaven and then into god's ears.
After a long while I opened my eyes and looked up. The candle flickered happily and standing next to the window was Melchior. My heart stopped. How long had he been standing there? What did he hear? He took a few steps and sat next to me in the pew.
" I am sorry." He whispered as he hung his head unable to look at me.
" F-f-for what?" I stuttered still astounded that he was even here.
" I followed you after I saw you running down the street. I thought maybe I could help. When you went into the church curiosity got the best of me. I walked in and heard you praying. I had never seen anyone pray before and I thought maybe..." He sighed and shook his head. " I thought maybe I could understand what people are so crazy about. I was wrong. I witnessed something special that I now know I can never take part in. I should not have intruded."
I was left speechless. I gaped at him trying to look into his eyes. But his head still hung low and he didn't make any move.
" Ernst, can you answer me something?" He said as he suddenly looked up to meet my eyes.
" Of coarse Melchior. Anything!" I was hoping he wouldn't ask anything too difficult.
" How do you keep your faith... when so many things go wrong. I mean your life has to be so difficult and still you manage to see the good in everything. It amazes me." He said as he peered at me from beneath his dark hair. I didn't know how to answer him.
" I just do." I blushed knowing that the poor excuse of an answer would not satisfy Melchior's hunger for knowledge.
" You fascinate me." He chuckled as I blushed. " You can put your faith in something so blindly and strongly and it never wavers but you can't seem to put faith in yourself. It boggles me to think that you can forgive for anything but you can't seem to let go of the nonexistent sins you think you commit."
" But I do commit them every day!" My voice came out whiny as if I was trying to prove to him that I was bad.
" Name one thing the bible says you shouldn't do that you do every day." Melchior said firmly as if talking to a little child. I fumbled trying to come up with a reply.
" I think things I shouldn't."
" It is not a crime to think." He said softly trying to soothe me into agreement.
" But the things I think... about people... about doing things with people." I shuddered and I couldn't bring myself to look at Melchior. I sat waiting for a reply when suddenly Melchior's laughter echoed through the church. I knew he must think me a fool or worse a monster for admitting to such a sin.
" Ernst everyone has those thoughts." He breathed as he desperately tried to control his laughter. " It is not a sin. Your Mother has those thoughts. Your class mates have those thoughts. Even your Father has those thoughts!" I couldn't help but laugh as I thought of my father sitting alone in his room thinking the same thoughts about Hanschen and Melchior that I thought. Melchior smiled at me and his eyes softened. We sat staring at each other for the longest moment.
He slid a little closer on the pew and I felt his warmth radiate out.
" So who is your favorite?" He asked matter of factly.
" I don't know what you mean..."
" Come on we all have our... preferences." He raised an eyebrow suggestively. I began to stutter again.
" Oh you wouldn't know him." I said quickly. Hoping he wouldn't question further.
" Him?" Melchior looked at me intently. I gasped not knowing what to do.
" Her! I meant to say her! What about you? I hear you are very fond of Wendla." My heart raced as I hoped my change of subject worked.
" Wendla and I are friends. Only friends. Besides, I do not wish to speak of Wendla, I wish to speak of you." I blushed again and hoped he couldn't see in the flickering candle light. I wished I could sit in silence and just gaze forever at Melchior's handsome features illustrated even more beautifully in the dancing shadows cast by the single candle. Suddenly a great yawn sprang up from me and caught me off guard. Melchior chuckled as I covered my mouth trying to hide how tired I was.
" I think it is time for bed." He smiled and got up. I thought he had left but he quickly returned with a blanket.
" But Melchior I don't want you to go!" I gasped quietly embarrassed from my forward words.
" Who said I was leaving?" I smiled and removed my jacket. I balled it up into a pillow and laid down curling my knees to my chest. Melchior sat silently down next to me and pulled out a book. I smiled as my eyes fluttered closed. I fought hard to fight sleep off. I wanted to treasure this sight. Melchior at my feet reading a book in candle light. Try as I might sleep began to quickly over take me and I was left in a dizzying half conscious realm between sleep and Melchior. I couldn't tell what I was dreaming and what was actually happening.
" Just hold on for me Ernst." The voice was quiet and sounded so far away. " I am trying. I wish I could tell you. I wish I knew how." I thought I heard footsteps and I just barely felt the blanket gently pull up around my shoulders. I thought that I might be dreaming and that an angel had come to comfort me. Everything was soft and warm and safe.
" Sleep well." I smiled subconsciously as I heard Melchior's voice close to my ear. A warm kiss fell onto my cheek and I knew that this was a very good dream.