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My stomach clenched as I approached him. I willed my mind to turn black and not do anything stupid that would get me into trouble. After a walk down death row I finally reached him.
"Good to see you Ernst. I have a surprise for you out back." His voice was a hoarse whisper that made me cringe. I loved my father but the fear I had for him swallowed the love whole. Obediently I walked back around the house. The first thing I noticed was Moritz and his father standing by our shed. Moritz stepped uncomfortably from foot to foot as if he wanted to get away. His father smiled down at something that looked like a large rock.
As I drew closer I saw to my horror five dead rabbits piled one on top of the other. There small slender bodies all had a matted bloody mark of death and their eyes stared lifeless and pleadingly up at me.
"Great catch isn't it Ernst?" Moritz's father asked clearly very impressed with my father's murder. I glared back with a mixture of disgust and mild surprise. Moritz watched from a distance and I would catch him flicking his glance away when ever I looked at him.
"Help me bring them in the house so Mama can cook them tonight." Father's voice was right in my ear and made me jump. I gulped at the prospect of disturbing these poor corpses. My stomach roiled and turned and I wanted to refuse. These rabbits hadn't done anything wrong. They were innocent and Father killed them. I thought that that was the definition of slaughter but Father knew best. Their tawny fur was matted from the rain and my hand shook as I reached out to grab their feet. Tears pricked dangerously close at the corners of my eyes and threatened to spill over.
"Come on boy." My father smacked the back of my head. A tear slipped out but I hoped no one noticed because of the rain. Moritz flinched and began whispering to himself. I reached out and grabbed two rabbits and cursed my body for making my hands quiver. All the while Moritz's father watched as I peered over my shoulder seeking fathers approval. He picked up three rabbits; two in one hand. He nimbley slung them over his shoulder with out a single drop of remorse or respect for the dead.
We made our way back around to the front of the house. I held the rabbits as loosely as possible, trying to avoid touching their clammy flesh. I was fighting tears so fiercely I wasn't watching where I was going. I tripped and toppled to the ground. The rabbits fell into the mud and I felt my heart freeze.
"Why don't you watch what you are doing boy!" Father hit me hard across the face. Moritz gasped and flinched forward to help me but drew back and hesitated as he saw his own father.
" You run a tight ship, Herr Robel. Your boy knows his place. Good for you." Moritz's father gazed down at me. I tried very hard not to cry. I couldn't let myself show how hurt I was. Father had never hit me in front of others before and it frightened me how easily they accepted it. There was no one who could help me. Moritz watched whispering furiously to himself.
" Please excuse me Father I have homework I must finish." Moritz glanced anxiously from side to side. His father nodded his acknowledgment and Moritz bounded away. I was alone with the two fathers and and I watched as they made no attempt to help me up. Silently I pulled myself to my feet and gathered the rabbits. After a silent walk we got inside and Mother gasped on seeing me. She then hesitated on seeing Father. She held her tongue and words of worry and I silently thanked her for not saying anything about my night away from home.
She took the rabbits and set them on the counter and set to the task of cleaning me up. She wiped the stray flecks of mud gently from my face brought me new clothes that fit better than Hanschen's. I didn't want to put them on. I wanted to run to my room and snuggle into Hanschen's soft shirt. But that is not what men do. I had to be a man, Father had no respect for boys.
"Well it was good to see you but I must be off." Moritz's father left me standing alone with father in the room. He looked me over and shook his head. I was a disgrace to him and I knew I was a disgrace to the entire family. He walked away and made his way over to the liquor cabinet that was always well supplied. He took out a dark bottle and took a heavy swig. Mother watched from the kitchen and tried to hide her fear with a smile.
" Damn storm stopped my trip early. But I managed to get those five." He grumbled and tossed a glance at the rabbits. " Ernst, help your Mama skin them and get them ready for a stew." My eyes stretched open as I comprehended his words. He wanted me to peel the skin away and cut these sweet timid beasts to pieces. I knew I would not be able to get through it.
" Come on sweety." Mother called timidly from the kitchen. The worried look on her face showed she had little faith in my ability to preform the task also. " Just do your best." She said making a feeble attempt at reassurance. She handed me a sharp knife and the silver blade glinted up happily. She began, first slitting the rabbit down the center. My world began to spin and tip and black rimmed my vision. Mother saw me sway and grabbed my shoulder to balance me.
" Mama I don't feel well." I whispered pathetically trying to hide my nausea that was rising in the pit of my stomach. She glanced at Father and then back at me.
" Close your eyes. When ever he looks I will tap your foot and you must open them quickly. I will talk to you and you must listen and answer as if you could see what I am doing." she whispered so quickly and quietly it was tough to hear but I had managed to understand the plan. I slammed my eyelids shut blocking out the gristly sight. I began picturing myself out in the wild innocent and free. I was a rabbit far away from any trouble and any pain. A sharp tap roused me and I opened my eyes to see mama work the blade along the rabbits side.
"Now be sure not to go too deep." She said giving me a meaningful look.
"Yes Mama." she tapped my foot again and I closed my eyes. I was the rabbit again when a shot rang out. It was Father hunting me. Destroying me. A tap on my foot made me gasp and fling my eyes open. The bloody scene before me had multiplied but I was too busy marveling how my Father could sneak his way into my fantasies and turn them into nightmares.
" You hold it by it's feet, darling." Mama didn't glance up from her rapid work. She had to work fast enough to make it look like two people had accomplished the job.
" Of course." My voice was soft and almost nonexistent. My world rocked again and I had to close my eyes. The picture of Moritz so concerned over me fluttered into my mind's eye but shattered as I pictured him running away to go do homework we didn't have. It felt like everyday my world would shatter and I would have to build it all over again out of the rubble. Mama tapped my foot again and smiled at me.
" Very good, Ernst. You have been a great help." I stared down at my clean hands free of the blood that covered Mama's. I deliberately placed both hands into the sticky liquid that covered the counter. I couldn't feel anymore. I was too tired to be disgusted at the crimson blood of the blind and innocent. I imagined the blood as my sins and watched it slip down slowly onto my wrist. Father stood and came over. He looked at my hands and the pile of fresh meat on the counter. He grunted. No "good job Ernst" or an " I am so proud". He grunted again and went back to his throne. I was so very tired.
Silently I walked to my room. With out hesitation I flopped numbly onto the bed. I soon was asleep and dreams of screaming rabbits and dark shadowy hunters plagued my fitful slumber.
***
A knock at the door woke me.
"It is time for dinner, dear." My body felt stiff as if I had slept for months. I sat up to the sounds of my stomach grumbling out for food. The air smelled sweetly of the wonderful stew Mama had prepared. I moaned slightly debating whether I should skip dinner and go back to sleep or succumb to the growling demands of my stomach. After a minor battle my stomach won.
I straightened up in the bathroom so I would look semi presentable rather than mussed from sleep. The table was set beautifully in honor of Father's return and Mama smiled proudly over the table. I slipped into my seat in the middle of the table with Mama at one end and Father at the other. The meal quickly began after grace was said. Father ate in silence as Mother attempted a conversation. After observing our silence she gave up and ate quickly. It wasn't that I did not wish to talk to Mama I was afraid I would say something wrong and anger Father. It would not be the first time I had done it and been sent away with a black eye. The meal was wonderful but I imagined the rabbit's small faces too often to truly enjoy it.
After the meal was over Father paced back and forth in front of th fire place. His pacing made me worried. When Father paced he thought and when Father thought he thought about me. I glanced at him frequently looking for signs of an explosion. It was like watching a tiger preparing to pounce. I cleared the table away and did the dishes as Mama hummed quietly and sewed.
"Get out." Father said to Mother.
"But I.."
"Get out." Mother looked at me with one last furtive glance as I accepted my fate. For some odd reason I thought about the other boys in my class. I thought of them and wondered what they would do if I disappeared. I wondered if anyone would truly be sad if I just didn't come back. I was the silent boy who didn't have many friends. I was the observer who would peek at everyone shyly trying to understand them. No one would miss me all that much.
" Come here." Father beckoned me as he stared into the crackling fire. " Do you know what you did today Ernst?" He asked as he stared at me from way above. I felt so small, and young, and weak. I may be one of the tallest boys in class but I was nothing when Father looked at me. An ant could step on me and not notice.
" No, Father." I bit my tongue. I knew the fatal mistake I had made.
" What did you call me?" Fathers rage had hit a breaking point. " You are no son of mine!" Father didn't pause as he punched me in the eye. I staggered and fell trying to avoid the fireplace. I was numb to his hits and words and I only wanted to curl up and go to sleep.
" The stew was wrong!" He bellowed and I almost laughed. " You cut the rabbit wrong! All my hard work gone to waste." I chuckled to myself as I held my hands on my head and curled up on the floor. He hit me for the rabbits that I cut wrong. The humor gripped me and I began to laugh harder.
"What's so funny?" He picked me up and shook me like a dog. I didn't answer him and started to laugh and cry at the same time. He threw me to the ground. I landed hard on my wrist and I heard a pop. Pain rocket through my wrist and into my arm and I cried out. Father had heard the pop too and his rage suddenly disappeared.
" Go to bed." He said. I heard him from very far away. He seemed so distant compared to the pain within my body. I didn't move; only cradled my screaming wrist inspecting it with a painful curiosity. He picked me up by my collar and threw me towards the hallway. I moved hypnotized by the pain. I went into the bathroom and ran my wrist under freezing water trying to numb the pain away. My mind was fuzzy and I had to struggle against the lightheadedness that was seeping into my mind.
With a deep breath I squeezed my wrist back into place. I screamed and covered my mouth quickly. Tears exploded from my eyes and I sunk to the floor in pain. The pain was excruciating and it throbbed along with my racing heart.
After what felt like hours sitting on the floor I struggled to my feet and looked at myself in the mirror. A stranger gaped back. My eye had swollen to a dark unidentifiable mass and my other eye was red ringed from crying. I was pale and thin and looked like a little boy trapped in an old man's body.
"How old am I?" I whispered to the stranger in the blue mirror. No reply came and I began to cry again. A bang at the door made me jump.
"Go to bed." I heard his footsteps fade as he walk away and I slipped out and walked to my room. I bundled in my bed trying to stabilize my wrist. It throbbed and I whimpered and cooed to myself trying to find comfort in the dark but only finding emptiness.
Hours passed and every time I was about to fall asleep my wrist would fall slack and wake me with ripping pain. I was busy nursing my injury when a tap came at my window. I leaped from my bed expecting to see Father. Instead I saw an anxious Moritz tapping at my window looking around haunted by some unknown creature. I ran to the window and opened it to let him in. I backed up surprised and I tried to hide in the shadows.
" I'm sorry for waking you. But these dreams! I know you have them too and I just... there is no relief! They plague me and haunt me and keep sleep at bay!" Moritz paced and twitched. " You have to help me." Moritz paused in his pacing and truly looked at me. " Ernst? Did he?" I sat down on my bed unable to talk. Moritz sat next to me and lightly touched my face.
"What happened?" He said trying to look me in the eyes.
" He hurt me." My voice broke and I couldn't hold the tears in any longer. I put my head on Moritz's shoulder and cried. I kept mumbling he hurt me over and over again. It was the first time I had said aloud to anyone that my father had hurt me. Moritz stiffened and awkwardly patted me on the back. He began to whisper madly in that same unintelligible Latin.
" We didn't have Latin homework." I sniveled looking up into his face. He laughed.
" It is not Latin. I was ... thinking about what I would say to you." This answer took me aback. Why would he think about what he said to me? It didn't matter all that much. " That's what I have always been doing, Ernst. I worry that I will say something stupid." I wondered blankly why he cared what I thought when he suddenly tilted my head up.
" Well no more whispering anymore." Moritz pressed his lips against mine. For one white hot moment I couldn't think or feel. It was almost as if I had become something else. Moritz jumped back my own shock mirrored on his face. I was breathing heavily and my mind raced. Moritz had kissed me. The fact sounded so obscure and out of place in my mind. Moritz jumped to his feet; his anxiety suddenly multiplied. He couldn't keep still and his eyes darted around as if he were being trapped. He turned and ran back out the window.
Stunned I watched him leave and blindly held my eyes on the spot he had just been. The wind blew my white curtains in and they formed waltzing ghosts. Moritz was gone and I was numb. I felt so little but my heart crashed around. I was in so much pain but my body had willed me not to feel anything. Things felt wrong and rushed. As if the heat of summer had jumped to Moritz's head and he just needed somewhere to release. That is all I really was to people. A way to release. Father released his frustration on me and Moritz released his pent up wanting on me. He didn't want me. He wanted love, but he didn't want me. Who on earth would want me?
I got up and walked to the window. I looked out to see a clear night sky hanging above me. The darkness was deep and threatening but I had decided there were scarier things than the dark.
NOTE i hope you enjoyed that chapter. i know i may be stirring up some trouble with making ernst's first kiss moritz instead of hanschen but i thought it fit and i have plans for later so don't freak out too much.