thanks for all the reviews! i am not sure how i feel about this chapter but oh well let me know what you think :)
The next day passed in a blur of drifting in and out of consciousness. I preformed all of Father's tasks on auto pilot and managed to avoid his hand. He seemed different today and looked at my wrist as if he actually had remorse. I didn't allow hope to enter my system, I had learned not to hope a long time ago. After all my chores were finished I walked. There was no destined goal just an escape.
Things stretched out before me as if the world never ended. I wanted silence but the birds chirpped in my ear. After years of putting one foot in front of the other I decided to sit down. I looked around to find myself in the middle of the woods. I sat in silence trying to forget last night and Moritz and everything. If I pondered too long I would start to hurt and I had had enough hurting to last me a life time.
A squirrel popped out from the underbrush and scared me half to death. It paused in the middle of the clearing and examined me. It approached cautiously. I chuckled; not even squirrels were afraid of me. I had wanted to be alone so I wouldn't have to make up an excuse for the fresh black eye I had obtained but I didn't mind the squirrels company. He scampered nervously around and picked at seeds on the ground.
I found myself thinking of Moritz as I watched the skittish little creature live its blissfully ignorant life.
" Moritz had always been on the rim of my life. As children we would wave hello and be on our way. I was never invited to play pirates after class and he never joined me in my walks around town. We were separate but some how we had come together for one moment in time." I addressed the squirrel as it chattered happily at my feet.
As I thought I realized how alike Moritz and I were.
" We both were overwhelmed with these feelings that neither of us could handle or explain. He did worse at school than I did and he wasn't exactly the most popular boy. But as similar as we are the differences are what define us. Moritz was always on edge and trying to make things happen. I, on the other hand, take what comes to me. Last night Moritz had needed something to happen and so he made it happen." The squirrel seemed almost amused by my pondering thoughts and would bounce from place to place.
My logical thinking on Moritz's sudden and impulsive kiss surprised me. I had never been much a of a thinker. I preferred to listen to my emotions much more closely. I was starting to think Melchior had rubbed off on me.
" Melchior..." I whispered the name out loud trying to conjure him before me. The squirrel paused in its constant motion and looked at me with his head tilted slightly to the side.
"I don't know what I am going to do about him. Moritz had kissed me and Melchior is none the wiser. But everyone knows how close Melchior and Moritz are. What if Moritz tells him? I would never be able to see Melchior again!" The thought brought a sharp pain into my heart. I had grown fond of my protector. He seemed the only one who really cared about what happened to me. The squirrel flinched and seemed slightly startled by my sudden outburst.
" Well little Moritz, what should I do?" Suddenly the squirrel broke into a run and burst into a few bushes. I jumped to my feet and followed not knowing why. I didn't want to lose my conversation partner even though I knew he wouldn't give me any answers. The squirrel scrambled madly through the under brush and I stumbled frequently trying to keep up. After a ten minute dash through the woods I had lost little Moritz amongst the leaves and trees.
I surveyed my surroundings to find nothing familiar. The trees stood tall and cast great aged shadows. It was only noon but if I was not home in time for dinner Father would let loose. A sickening feeling of panic started tingling at my toes. I had never been lost before and I found the experience very frightening.
I began to walk aimlessly trying to find my way back to the little clearing. When I saw a broken branch my heart fluttered hoping it was one I had broken in my manic chase after the squirrel. I ran and burst through the bushes to find a decrepit building looming over me.
I knew this house. There was not a kid in our town who didn't. The ancient building was reported as haunted by hundreds of spirits and if any one dared to enter they would be dragged off into the underworld. Boarded shudders and a door half off it's hinges added to the effect. This was not a place I wanted to be but the fear had me firmly rooted. I flashed back to a memory of Melchior spinning a vivacious tale of his experience in this house. He had made Anna run home crying and even Hanschen left making an excuse that his mother needed him. I had stayed watching as Melchior's eyes lit up just remembering his experience. After that ghost story no one was brave enough to visit the house.
I was about to leave when I noticed a candle lit in one of the windows. My heart quivered with anxiety. I couldn't leave the candle burning, it could cause a fire. I hiked up my britches and put a brave face on. The worst thing that could happen was that I would chicken out and run away.
I pushed the door aside with an ominous creek and looked around. The entire house was encased in dust and I tried to hold back my mild disgust at the hairy spider legging across the floor. The flickering light from the candle was cast out into the hallway and I was surprised to find my courage holding fast. I took a step in and the groaning creak of the boards made me jump.
" Oh my." I was beginning to have second thoughts when I heard a faint noise echoing out from the room where the candle still flickered erratically. The noise drifted up into my ears and I soon realized it was a boy crying. My heart rate increased ten fold as my active imagination conjured up torture chambers and ghosts. I quickly prayed to god for protection as I made my way silently forward.
I stood, my back against the wall, as a great battle of courage and cowardice raged through my mind. For once in my life the courage won and I peeked over. What I saw made me gasp.
Melchior sat at a desk his head propped up by his hand. He had a book beneath him and tears slipped out from his eyes and onto the pages. I stood transfixed as Melchior turned the page and continued to cry. I watched silently, while for the next five pages his eyes never left the book and my eyes never left him.
Suddenly he closed the book and looked up. He looked directly into my eyes and my heart stopped.
" What are your doing here?" His voice rose in alarm and anger as he pawed at his cheeks. I began to back away slowly. Melchior stood up and pulled me back into the room and sat me on one of the moth eaten chairs. " What on earth are you doing here Ernst?" He talked to me as if I was a misbehaved child and at the moment I felt like one. He didn't seem angry but he looked stern and strict.
" I was lost in the woods... and the candle... I'm sorry." The tears started to flow and I felt like a stupid baby for crying like this but I was so sorry that I had upset Melchior. My tears softened him slightly and he put a hand through his hair. He turned his back and paced a few steps deep in thought. I sat miserably with my hands folded in my lap while I waited for Melchior to speak again. After what seemed like years of hanging suspended on his lips he began to speak.
" We are even." He smiled and I became more confused.
" Even? I don't understand." He laughed as I hung my head. At least the tears had stopped.
" I watched you pray and you watched me cry. We are even now." As if this had been a trade he held out his hand so I could shake it. I grasped it lightly and he pumped my arm up and down. He went to retract but I gripped his hand tighter. I didn't want him to take his hand away. I didn't want him to disappear.
" Ernst, whats wrong?" Melchie knelt closer concern etched in his face. I didn't trust my lips to reply so I just shook my head back and forth. My breathing came fast and I was worried I was having a panic attack. Thoughts flashed in my head as I tried to get a hold of myself. I had to tell Melchior what happened between Moritz and I. There was no avoiding it. I had to tell him before Moritz did.
" Melchie, last night..." My lip quivered and I had to bite it to keep it from trembling.
" What did your father do?" Melchie's eyes flashed and his free hand went up gently to my bruised eye.
"No it wasn't him... I... something happened." My words were broken and gasping as I tried to force the facts out from my between my teeth. Melchior gazed at me his confusion evident. His free hand drifting lightly to my shoulder where it rested. Guilt began to riddle my body. I couldn't lay more responsibility on Melchior, he had already helped me so much.
" Hanschen said he would tutor me." I looked down hoping he wouldn't see the lie in my eyes. He didn't move away from me but I knew I couldn't touch him any longer. I pried my hand away from his and shrugged away from his touch. Not persuaded by my feeble words he remained kneeling looking up at me, his mouth hanging in a suspended state of disbelief.
" Hanschen? And what will he be teaching you?" His teeth began to clench and I began to fret that I had made things worse by bringing up Hanschen.
" W-w-well with the end of term so near I thought maybe he could help me prepare. But if you don't approve I will certainly cancel!" I didn't want to do anything that Melchie didn't condone .
" I can't tell you how to live your life Ernst." Melchie turned away and stood up his shoulders slumped. I stood and was about to put my hand on his shoulder when I thought better of it.
" I – I thought about asking you but I thought you would have your hands full with Mor-" My throat collapsed and wouldn't let me utter his name. Melchie turned and examined my face. He searched for a long time but I didn't know what he was looking for.
" I do not teach those kinds of things." his voice was strained " I never tutor Moritz. Everything he does, he does on his own." I looked at the dirty floorboards unable to meet his intense gaze.
" But then what do you teach?" My voice cracked as I stuffed my hands deep within my pockets. Melchior's gaze relaxed and he smiled a bit.
" Sit down and I will tell you." tentatively I sat back down in the musty moth eaten chair. Melchie swung an old wooden chair so the back was facing me. He swung his legs over and straddled the chair inching it closer so I could feel his breathe on my face.
" I teach of life and the things I discover." He glanced from side to side as if about to utter a big secret. " You see, life is like a fun house full of mirrors. Man steps in and sees himself projected a million times into the past and future. He can spend a life time blindly groping around at smooth surfaces trying to find the real him. He can walk forever in and back over himself and still end up in the same spot." Melchie's excitement began to climb as I sat trying to comprehend.
" That seems a very solitary existence... what about god? He is always there." I tried to show him I understood but he laughed and I felt so beneath him.
" What is the use of a bright light in a hall full of mirrors? All it does is reflect back and blind you. You can't just except the maze. You have to go in with a hammer and create the cracks!"
" But what about friends? If life is truly like this then you sitting here talking to me has nothing to do with anything!" I was beginning to get flustered as I floundered desperately in his words. His excitement faded and he drew back slightly, thinking deeply.
" Sometimes man sees someone else's reflection along with his own." We sat in silence as I tried to absorb his words. I closed my eyes trying with every bit of me to understand how Melchie thought.
A light tug pulled a button on my shirt open. I gasped and threw my eyes open to see Melchie's hand gently working on the next one.
" What are you.." He cut me off with a finger to my lips. His hand slid lightly over my shoulder and I couldn't hold back. I looked into his eyes and prayed to god that I would not get hurt. Melchie had made light work of my shirt and it was now completely unbuttoned. He placed a hand right over my heart. My breathing was fluttering and my heart rattled but I didn't dare push him away even if I had wanted to. I knew I had to distract myself or things would become very complicated.
" Why do you," I gasped as his hand moved slowly down towards my waist " Why do you stay here with all these books?" I pulled my eyes away from his and dragged it across the book shelves filled with mass volumes of unknown literature. He smiled but didn't take his hand away.
" Do you think I got all my knowledge from the censored library at school. These books are the unwanted refuse that the parents toss away. They are deemed too radical for our innocent minds." The way he had uttered the word innocent made tingles shoot like electric shock waves up and down my spine . This was all too much. He was too close and I was too willing to accept his touch. I closed my eyes and lighter than air placed a kiss on his cheek.
I coughed in surprise at my own impulsive actions. I covered my mouth with my hand trying to hold in anymore surprise moves.
" You were close but you missed. Let me try this time." Melchior's voice was a low rumble and before I knew it his lips were on mine in a deep passionate kiss. I pushed half heartedly at his chest but gave in with out a fight. I lost myself in a euphoric state somewhere between his top and bottom lip.
His mouth traveled down my jaw line as he came up closer working our bodies so he could be as close as possible. I moaned as his kisses intensified. This was no Moritz. Moritz had been so brief and nervous. Melchior was confident and seemed to know what he was doing. I had never felt so alive and brave before as I entangled my fingers in Melchie's hair.
The door to the house moaned but I dismissed it as the wind. I didn't want anything to ruin this moment.
" Melchie you must help me! Something happened last night! Ernst and I ..." Moritz stood in the door way his mouth agape in shock. My body stiffened as all feelings of pleasure dripped out from my heart. I tried to throw Melchie off of me but he was already easing off slowly. I tried to speak but my tongue made knots of my words and a gruesome jumble of consonants came spilling out. Melchie seemed just as speechless but he quickly recovered.
" Moritz, I can explain." He started towards Moritz but Moritz tossed his hands out in front of him.
" I have to go." Moritz's face was unbearable to see as he tripped backwards trying to walk away. He scrambled to his feet again and I jumped as he slammed the door behind him. My mouth bobbed up and down like a dying fish and I felt like I was drowning in the air. Things had seemed so perfect between Melchior and now, well, now there was nothing.
Melchior stood staring out at the emptiness Moritz had left behind him. His fists were balled up tight and he quivered from head to foot.
" I think it is time for you to go." He didn't look at me and I felt my heart being ripped to pieces. I edged my way around the room and paused at the door way. He had been mine for a little while. I knew he probably regretted every second of it but I held fast to the fact that I could always have this memory.
" Good bye Melchie." I whispered each word with a secret wish that he could still be mine. The tears began to flow and I let them fall. There was no use in avoiding my pain I knew it would only multiply.
As I stumbled through the woods trying to deny my bodies urges I felt god slipping from me. I didn't want that to happen. If he left I would have no body. I grasped at his thought and knew that if I just held on I could make it through the mirrors.
NOTE:next chapter is the vineyard scene! i am excited to write it:)