thank you for all the reviews they were amazing. i am glad you guys liked the last chapter:)
The golden setting sun cast a stark contrast to the black emotions running through me. I winced at each crack of a twig as I stumbled blindly back through the woods. By a work of god I managed to not get lost again as I came upon the road. I wanted to just keep walking and walk right out of my life but the obedience ingrained deep with in me stopped me from running away. I wished everything from the last two days disappeared. Even before I was done thinking it I knew that the thought was a lie. I wanted Melchie. Everything in my body had felt good and right when we were together but the after math was quite the contrary.
As I walked I felt my heart being tugged along on a string behind me. With each passing step it broke a little more. I tried to figure out why everything went so wrong. I tried for a moment to blame it on Moritz but I knew that wasn't right. He was just as lost as I was and he didn't know what Melchie was doing. Then Melchior came to mind but I banished the thought. That only left me as a possibility. I must have done something to fracture my own life.
Before I knew it my house loomed menacingly over my head. The knob glinted happily in the fading light and with out a second thought I opened it. Father's hands were ready as they dragged me roughly through the threshold.
" Where have you been! You should have been here to help your mother!" A shove sent me painfully to the ground but I knew any physical pain could never come close to the emotional pain I felt right now. Father swayed on his feet but managed to reach down and pull me up again. His sour alcohol tainted breath made my stomach roil.
" Please." My voice came softly looking for merciful ears. He smiled and rocked even more on his feet. He pushed me away just in time to avoid being dragged down with him as he fell with a loud thump on the couch. Motionless, he lay sprawled with his eyes closed. For a split second I hoped he had died. I gritted my teeth as I quickly examined his body. The gentle rise and fall of his chest told me he had merely passed out. I felt ashamed I had wished harm on my Father and knelt by his side. I knew from the deepest part of me that it was god who had made him pass out and who had saved me from another beating. I sent a quivering hand to rest lightly on his forehead which was soaked in sweat. Father began to shiver violently and I went to fetch a blanket.
I came back to find Mother hovering over him with a blanket already secured tightly over his shoulders.
" Dear I think you should eat and go off to bed. You know what kind of mood he is in when he wakes up." Mother didn't even bother to look at me and the concern in her eyes for Father made me squirm with jealousy. I had no appetite so I walked to my room. I eased the door shut behind me avoiding a slam and sat at my desk.
It was an awkward hour that was to late to do anything but to early to go to bed. My cherished bible lay opened and I began to read the pages. As I read I prayed to god to show me what I was doing wrong. Story after story I saw these biblical men getting married to wonderfully pure girls. I began to read with more fervor and again and again I saw people falling in love and being happy and having a splendid life. I knew I was different than them but if it was so easy to love a girl why couldn't I?
After an hour of reading I concluded I wasn't trying hard enough. I knew that if I could just let go of Melchie god would help me fix all my problems. The moon had just started peaking over the trees when I crawled into bed. The instant my eyes fluttered shut images of Melchie close and beautiful exploded into my mind's eye. I sat bolt upright and chastised myself for being so easily and anxious from the temping thoughts I jumped to my feat and began pacing. Sleep was obviously not an option tonight as even being awake brought a constant battle against playing back todays events. I scoured my room looking for any distraction and finally came to my school books lying unopened in the corner. With a start I remembered my tutoring session with Hanschen tomorrow and groaned. I couldn't risk being close to him, at least not after my resolution.
I began to think if I showed off tomorrow at school he would find the lesson unnecessary. I began pouring over every book. And didn't stop until day break.
***
As the sun rose my eyes stung from lack of sleep and twisting trigonometry. I had stayed up the entire night and managed to avoid slipping into a dream filled world. I knew all of Latin and could do trigonometry in my sleep if I would permit myself to fall asleep.
It was early but I knew I had to get to school before Moritz even thought about waking up. I knew if I saw him I would lose my nerve and stay home sick. With out a warning the image of Moritz's face at the haunted house floated into my vision and his pain wrung my heart dry.
Squeezing back all thoughts I rushed into my uniform and demolished an apple. I was out of the house in five minutes only stopping briefly to survey my Father's chest rising and falling reassuringly as he slept off the liquor on the couch.
I walked steadily to school feeling confident I wouldn't meet anyone along the way. The little school house rose over the hill and to my dismay I saw a figure standing silhouetted against the sun. my feet dragged as I tried to avoid any confrontation. As I drew closer my heart crashed hard in my chest as Melchior's face became recognizable. He tried to welcome me but his face was caught half way between thought and greeting.
" I figured you would be up early." His voice was soft and sounded older than usual. " I think we need to talk." His sincerity made me draw closer but I knew if I tried to take one more step I would never walk away.
" There is nothing to talk about. What happened was wrong. I shouldn't even be near you. I shouldn't be talking to you." My voice didn't hold a single ounce of persuasion as I held my eyes glued to the ground.
" But you are here and you are talking to me. You know you don't believe a word your saying." With out realizing it I had taken a few steps closer to Melchie and noticed with a new tear in my heart that Melchie's eyes were red rimmed from what I knew had to be crying. Melchie opened his arms and came slowly toward me. The embrace was light as if he was trying to hold me there with out actually feeling me in his arms. Hands shaking I pushed him away, my entire body screaming at me to return to his safe harboring arms.
" This isn't right! The bible says..." My voice cracked and I slammed my eyes shut locking back any tears.
" And what does the bible say, Ernst? Does it say who you are? Does it say who to love? Tell me Ernst, does it say..." his anger was evident as he paced furiously throwing his hands wildly into the air.
" I don't know but maybe... maybe it will help." A few tears slipped out against my will and I wiped them away with the hem of my shirt. I turned my back and walked into the school house only half hoping he would follow me.
I eased into my chair and rubbed at my sleepless eyes. Slowly the room began to fill with the others as they chatted happily. Melchior was the last one in and I stared expectantly waiting for Moritz to come bursting in racing against the first bell. The teacher took his seat but there was no dramatic crash of the door or flustered dash to the seat next to me. I gazed blankly at the empty seat where Moritz should have been until a sharp tap on my desk brought me back.
The professor gazed down at me and I sifted through my brain for the answer to the question on the board. It came out of the facts I had compiled from last nights study session. I answered his question with out hesitation and the room fell into an eerie silence.
" Ernst, we haven't studied that yet. That is two chapters ahead" His mouth hung open as if he were going to say more but it quickly shut and he skulked back to the front of the room. All eyes glanced back at me and in particular I could feel Hanschen's icy blue eyes boring deep into me.
That answer opened an onslaught from the teacher. He tried testing me in every subject and I didn't fumble once. With each passing answer the looks from the other boys became more frequent and longer until the entire room had an unbreaking trance on me as the teacher scoured his books for an answer I didn't know. My academic success was bitter sweet knowing that as soon as I went to sleep my mind would become a sieve and let all the facts drift away.
The day carried on slowly with each question marking another Moritzless minute. I wanted desperately to talk to him and make some attempt at an apology.
Suddenly Melchie's hand shot into the air. He had been the only one not gaping at my show of knowledge and suddenly there was a matter he urgently had to bring to light. His hand stood patiently in the air but the teacher had learned that if he indulged in Melchior's questions the class would became a debate room and he would never be able to get on track. He continued his endless questions but was suddenly interrupted by a loud screech as Melchie pushed his chair back and stood up.
" Yes, what is it?" The professor huffed as Melchie stood belligerently gazing down at the man.
" What does the bible say on same sex couplings?" The room fell into a dry bone silence as a gasp escaped my lungs. The professor's cane came down with a crack that pushed Melchie back into his seat.
"It is an abomination!" The rest of the teacher's words came out as frazzled grunts. With out a pause Melchie's hand shot up again and I buried my head into my arms. The teacher's morbid curiosity and rage got the better of him as he acknowledge Melchie to speak.
" Is nature an abomination?" This question left the teacher momentarily lost for words as he tried to read Melchie's thoughts.
" Nature is a beautiful thing and in no way an abomination." Melchie stood again his excitement growing.
" Then the bible is wrong!" The crack of the cane sent him back into his chair. He rubbed his shoulder but smiled broadly.
" There have been documented cases of animals of the same gender coupling in nature." Melchie's voice was a victorious outraged whisper.
The teacher had no reply but to hit Melchie again and three times more. The blows had no effect as Melchie sat beaming triumphantly and gripping his desk tightly with both hands.
Finally with a frustrated sigh the teacher dismissed the class. I gathered my things slowly giving a sidelong glance at Hanschen and trying to let Melchie's words sink in. Hanschen had gathered his books and was already at the door. My heart fluttered with a strange mixture of joy and disappointment as I hoped he had forgotten about our tutoring session.
" Come Ernst, I hope you haven't forgotten about our little study session." His voice was droll as he paused and turned to face me at the door. I quickened my pace trying to move faster in hopes time would follow suit. I followed him out and after a short walk the vineyard materialized. The green leaves created a wall blocking us from the world.
The walk had been silent and I hoped it would remain that way. I sat down and pulled up my bag fully intent on retrieving books. With a cool ease Hanschen slipped my hands from my bag and tossed it a few yards away.
" But how am I supposed to learn with out my books." My voice was a feeble murmur that got swallowed up by Hanschen's laugh.
" After todays little show I doubt there is anything I could teach you." Suddenly footsteps sounded through the eaves and Melchior broke through. He frowned and glanced briefly at the both of us sitting side by side. He frowned and was about to leave when he turned and looked back at me.
" Remember. . . nature is beautiful." With one last desperate look between Hanschen and I he turned and disappeared from view.
" Really! Ignore him Ernst, he just doesn't enjoy being out of the lime light. He always has to stir up trouble." Hanschen seemed genuinely displeased that Melchie had made the brief passing but as quickly as the irritation had shown it vanished under a relaxed arrogant smile. No matter what Hanschen said I couldn't ignore Melchior. His lips and eyes came into view and completely drowned out Hanschen's voice.
A battle for my attention began and was split into three parts. One part, how ever small, tried to focus on Hanschen the other larger part was creating visions of Melchior and the equally large part was trying to squelch the burning flames brought on by the visions.
Bells chimed and broke me momentarily from my tormented battle. Hanschen gazed deeply at me.
" So peaceful." he cooed trying to hold my attention. I worked up a smile trying to mask my inner thoughts.
" I know." I began to spin an elaborate tale about how I wanted to be pastor. I was hoping god heard and would appreciate my servitude. What I really wanted was Melchior to return and save me from everything. Hanschen gazed disbelievingly at me.
" You can't be serious. Dear Ernst, you are such a sentimentalist." I stared at him comprehending his words. I wanted to reply that if I didn't hang on to the sentiment then I would die but I thought better and held my tongue. With Hanschen so near I held many things back. The battle with my body raged on and was exacerbated by Hanschen sliding closer. His next few words were lost as I shivered away the feelings.
" Trust me." He inched even closer. Why should I trust you? My brain scratched at the question. I had no logical reason to trust Hanschen or anybody. But still I always gave my whole heart away at the slightest drop of the hat. I knew whether I wanted to or not I would trust Hanschen. I trusted so easily and forgave just as easily. Melchior had been right and I knew now he had been right about everything. Hanschen continued on but I paid little attention. He took my silence as agreement and inched closer with every new sentence. I let him get closer not truly sure why. Thoughts of Melchior's smooth lips and soft hands became vivid in my mind and Hanschen's warmth made them feel almost real.
" Well, I'm like a pussy cat. I just skim off the cream."
" Skim off the cream." My own voice surprised me and brought me back to earth. I tried to calculate how long I had been drifting in thought but was interrupted by Hanschen's face a few inches from mine. He began to laugh softly and at the moment I couldn't stand to hear him laugh at me a moment longer.
" Your laughing, why? Hanschen!" He silenced me with a look and I realized how piercing his blue eyes were. They stopped my heart and sent it into a tumult of erratic thrashing beats. He was very close and I could see each little hair growing on his face. It seemed soft and I wanted to reach out and touch. Suddenly he jumped to his feet and continued on his speech. I sat paralyzed my hand hanging in mid air trying to focus all my strength on restraining these sinful urges.
After a few moments more Hanschen sat and with a deep sigh pushed his lips against mine. My world shattered and fell to earth. I turned my head away.
" Oh god." All this was impossible. I had had everything fixed, or at least as fixed as they were ever going to get, but now this.
" Mmm, I know." Hanschen's voice was a purr. He didn't know. He never would. Melchior was right again.
" When we look back thirty years from now tonight will seem unbelievable beautiful." He wormed his way under me until I was nearly sitting in his lap. I didn't want thirty years from now. I wanted the present. I was so tired of waiting for a savior or a brighter day. I need something to make my life good and to make me feel loved. I thought I had that with Melchior but he wasn't here, Hanschen was.
" And in the mean time?" It was more a question to myself than Hanschen.
" Why not?" I could think of a million reasons why not but none of them mattered. All that mattered was the need I felt and Hanschen's lips so close to mine. I rushed close and pushed my lips into a deeper more passionate kiss. I felt the eyes of the world on me as I explored my lust with another boy.
" On my way here this afternoon I thought we would only talk." The words came out in between lips and a smile pulled at the corners of my mouth.
" Are you sorry we..." Hanschen frowned and I knew I couldn't risk losing his lips.
" No I love you Hanschen! As I have never loved anyone." The words broke my heart but they were true. I didn't love Melchior the same way I loved Hanschen. I loved Hanschen's control and his ability to take over and make me forget. Melchior was a deeper love and had meaning but I knew it could never work. Melchior was out of reach and Hanschen was at my fingertips.
" And so you should." Hanschen pushed me lightly onto my back once again taking control.
" I'm going to be wounded." The words came out a breathless whisper as Hanschen's lips trailed my jaw line.
" I'm going to bruise you." My eyes flew wide as the image of my fathers blows came into mind. For once in my life I had an opportunity to bruise someone else. Hanschen was vulnerable with his body so close to mine. He had his ears open and I could tell him anything in the world.
" I'm going to be your bruise." It wasn't exactly what I wanted to say but filled the air with sound. I tried to work up all the nerve in my minuscule arsenal. I pulled his body away until I was wrapped into his arms and sitting in his lap.
"Hanschen." I whispered and grabbed onto his collar to keep the world and him from drifting away.
" Yes?" His voice was distant as if he were reliving the moments past.
" My Father abuses me." and the easy smile faded from his lips.
NOTE : ok so i wanted to warn you that from here on out things are alittle out of order but will still follow the general plot of spring awakening. also i wanted to explain why i think the multiple pairings work. 1 in such a strict community kids will find any way they can to break the rules. 2 it is common for teens to experiment in the same sex ( this is mostly for moritz) 3 boys are more available. it is improper to hang out with girls but it is ok for them to spend all their time with a guy so its easier to get at. 4 i always thought there was competition between Melchior and Hanschen this just kind of spurs the relationship on as they try to one up each other. 5 Ernst is an easy target. he is shy and sensitive and easily seduced and very sentimental. also he is adorable :) i hope that makes the whole three guys after little Ernst ok thanks again and reveiws are great :)