thanks a lot for the reviews! they keep me writing :)
Hanschen stiffened beneath me and the hand he had been trailing through my hair froze mid stroke. Time stood still as I waited for a reply but it never came.
"Please say something. Hanschen..." My stomach slipped a few feet as he slipped out from under me and stood, leaving me sitting on the moist grass.
" How... unfortunate." Hanschen's eyes darted from side to side as he took a few steps away. The dew had started to seep through my clothes and I shivered. " Really must be going now. Exams are tomorrow and I could use a good nights sleep." He turned and walked away into the sun set. His abrupt exit and formal tone escaped me and I couldn't understand how he could leave me sitting alone after what had just happened. I flashed back to the day at the pond where he had caused such a mess and slipped away. He was leaving me stranded as he had left Otto stranded.
" Hanschen, wait!" I shouted after him causing his stride to pause. " I thought you..." My voice trailed off as I tried to put how Hanschen felt about me into words. Nothing came to mind. I knew he didn't love me but I thought he may at least care for me. " I thought you cared."
Hanschen turned to face me but his eyes were distant. He was strange and new to me. I had seen him almost everyday of my life but now he was a stranger amongst these familiar surroundings.
" Caring is a loaded word. Who is to say what caring is and isn't." He looked down and shoved his hands into his pockets.
" Why did you touch me? Why did you have to take me into all this?" The question was a twitter into the fading light and caused Hanschen to pause once again. He turned and twisted his lips into a smile.
" You might as well have been asking me to! You always sat there mooning, with those big brown eyes! That day at the pond, you honestly couldn't believe that I didn't notice your bathing suit...tighten." His eyes trailed down and I brought my knees up around my chin. " Was it really so bad? Would you change it? If things are what you say they are then you could use a gentle touch." I pushed myself up to my feet and ran to Hanschen's side. He had started to walk away and I grabbed his hand and laced his fingers in mine.
" Hanschen, you have t-t-to" I stamped my foot angered at my anxiety and persistent stutter. Hanschen didn't turn to face me and gently disengaged his fingers from mine.
" Ernst, you are sweet and naive and innocent. Who am I to take that from you?" I blushed against my will at his words but knew they were empty. He was looking for a way to escape. I put my hand on his shoulder and tugged like a child would on a father's sleeve. He turned and looked quizzically at me.
" Will you at least say goodbye?" The request sounded meager at best but caused Hanschen to smile. My heart skipped a beat as he brushed his lips softly against mine.
" Who says I am going anywhere?" I watched him disappear and felt the air grow heavy with his absence.
I straightened my clothes and did the best I could to rub the grass stains out. I played the last hour back in my mind and realized what had caused its sudden end. When I had told Hanschen my secret I had taken control away from him. Hanschen needed control. I had been a fool to think Hanschen could take my news in stride.
As I walked home I realized Hanschen's reaction didn't surprise me; it didn't even hurt very much. I was so tired of having things taken away from me but now there was nothing left to take. Hanschen had been my last hope at a savior and he was long gone.
The golden sun crackled in the fading light and the earth slowed in its persistent spinning. Some where between the morning and night I had lost myself. I couldn't seem to find a trace of the old Ernst; all that was left was a hardened shell of a boy who didn't know where he was headed.
" It is not fair!" I kicked a rock towards my house that was approaching much faster than I liked. I knew I couldn't go home. Father would be up and have a headache and take it out on me. As I got closer I turned left and walked down a road I rarely traveled.
The road twined through the many house all lined up perfectly like china plates, little roses budding at the rims. Everything on the outside looked wonderful and endearing but behind closed doors I could only guess at what happened. As I passed Martha's house the door flung open and she came stumbling out. She was shaken and swayed on here feet dangerously close to toppling over. I ran to her side and tried to steady her.
" Martha, are you alright?" She quickly put on a meek smile and shrugged her shoulders.
" Just fine. Thanks." In her hasty stumble her sleeve had slipped up and a dark purple hand print wrapped around it as if someone had grabbed her. She caught me looking and yanked her sleeve back down.
" How are you?" Her voice was harsh and made me look back at her face. Her deep brown eyes seemed so familiar. I had seen them before reflected in my own bathroom mirror. A pang of sympathy twinged at my heart.
" Just fine." The words came out with a heavy knowledge of what was going on. Unspoken words flew between us as I left my hands on her shoulders.
" What are you doing here? Your house is the other way." Martha tried valiantly to hold back tears that were budding just behind her long eyelashes.
" Getting away." Martha nodded her head and peered at me from beneath her braids.
" I.. I.. understand. I hear the hay loft is a nice place to get away. Its got soft hay to sleep on and it is very quiet. I mean, if your looking for something like that." She looked at the gravelly road and pushed her lips into a tight line. I wondered how many times she had escaped to the hay loft and slept the night away amongst the barn mice.
" Maybe I will go up there for a visit. Thank you." I smiled trying to cheer her up. If nobody wanted to help me at least I could try and help her. " And what are you going to do?"
" Oh, don't worry about me. I'm fine. I'm fine." She said the words as strong as she could trying to convince herself as much as she was trying to convince me. I glanced from side to side to make sure no one was coming. I leaned closer to her and whispered in her ear.
" I know things are... hard. I hear the church's pews are very comfortable. It is almost always very quiet." She looked up and smiled with a deep gratitude.
" Thank you." her voice was soft and sincere and warmed me. She nodded and began to walk down the road towards the church her eyes wandering into thought. I watched her go and knew I found a friend that I could talk to. Maybe not about the truth but about quiet soft places. As she climbed the hill she turned and called out.
" I will light a candle for you, Ernst!" She was silhouetted beautifully in the dying light and her dress shifted in the wind. My heart cracked and a bit of warmth leaked out.
" Put it in the window!" I called back. She waved her hand in the air and she left her words behind her. The thought of Martha lighting a candle for me, the thought that she might pray for me, made me smile. The knowledge that I was not entirely alone made me feel a little braver as the first stars of the approaching summer night broke through the clouds.
I tried for a moment to be in love with Martha. She was a pretty girl, a bit homely, but none the less a pretty girl. I badgered my heart and tried to get it to beat quickly at the thought of Martha's hair but instead Melchie's dark hair came to mind and caused the heart pounding excitement. Desire and disappointing flooded me. I didn't give up hope and kept trying to picture Martha.
The road to the hay loft was not very long and was made shorter by my attempt at loving Martha. It came into view as the waltzing fireflies illuminated its red siding. Gratitude swelled in me. If Martha had not suggested it I never would have thought to come here and I would have ended up wandering half the night and being exhausted for exams the next day.
As I got closer I noticed the front door hanging slightly ajar. My approached slowed as I hoped no one was in there. Soft moans confirmed my fear and made me pause outside the doors. I listened as the voices grew and softened in a soothing rhythm. I recognized a girls voice and a boys voice but the musical grunts couldn't tell me who they were. Curiosity pushed at my legs but I tried to resist, knowing it was not my place to spy. I walked around to the back of the barn and sat down cross legged to watch the fireflies dance. The bullfrogs added a soft thumping bass to the cricket's chirruping violins. Their beautiful symphony got me to my feet and I spun by myself for a few moments. I imagined myself dancing with Melchie and I let him take the lead. A few weeks ago I might have pictured Hanschen or Moritz waltzing in the field with me but my heart had aged. Hanschen's physical attraction still remained and I wanted to feel his corn silk hair slip through my fingers but Melchie's heart was what kept my feet moving to the beat.
The moon cast a spotlight on my lonely waltz and tossed a skeleton shadow into the tall grass. Just for a while I was enjoying my solitude. The world couldn't see me and the creatures didn't judge. There were no hands to fear or lips to long for. I was innocent again; purified by the moon's cold light.
The barn door creaked open and I peaked around to see who was leaving it. Wendla appeared, her dress slightly unbuttoned. She was glowing radiantly and I smiled as she scampered away. A few moments later Melchior appeared, his trousers pulled up around his waist and his shirt slung over his shoulder. My eye brows knit together in confusion and I came dangerously close to exposing myself. The moon shown brightly off his chest but he seemed upset rather than giddy, like Wendla had been. In a sudden explosion he punched the barn door. I jumped and tripped over my own shoe laces.
Sprawled out flat on my face I closed my eyes as I heard footsteps approaching quickly. I didn't want him to find me like this but fear paralyzed me.
" Oh no." The footsteps stopped and his voice rang out in the empty air. I slowly picked my head up as a raging blush colored me brightly. " What did you see?" His voice was riddled with anxiety and I wondered at his sudden fear. I pulled myself up onto my elbows and tried to hide beneath my curtain of hair. " What did you see Ernst?" Melchie had scrambled to his knees and held my head in his two hands. A manic fear tainted his eyes as he breathed heavily. His heart hammered in his palm and his mouth twisted into a frown. I tried to find comfort in staring at the ground but Melchior's hands prevented any form of retreat. I wiggled my head trying to worm away but he held fast.
" Nothing! I didn't see anything. I was dancing." The words came out quicker than my mind could work and I whimpered softly, frightened at Melchior's intense state. He slumped backwards and I sat scared at his sudden mood swing. " I'm sorry." Tears trembled at the corners of my eyes. I only wanted him to be happy but every time I came into his life he seemed to be upset that I was there.
He shook his head and sighed. His eyes stayed closed for a long time and I wanted to comfort him but I didn't know what was wrong.
" I've failed you again. I should go. I'm sorry." I frowned as he started to get up and go. I didn't want him to leave.
" No, please, stay." My voice was soft and trembly as I tried to shake away Melchior's fear. I wouldn't let him run away. I needed the truth, but mostly I just didn't want to be alone in the dark. He sighed so heavily I began to regret my decision. He knelt back down and faced me, his eyes wounded and searching.
" What happened with Hanschen?" The question startled me and I drew my knees to my chest trying to hide behind them.
" I don't know." I was trying to be honest but I didn't want Melchior to be upset with me again. My face blushed maddeningly as I relived the brief moments I had shared with Hanschen. He frowned and shook his head.
" I knew it. You love him don't you?" His voice was tired and accusing. My chin bobbed and I stumbled over my tongue, my nervous stutter accentuating my speechlessness. I had told Hanschen I loved him but now, so far away from his convincing blue eyes I questioned my heart. " It is ok. You don't have to explain anything to me." Melchior stood up and brushed his pants off.
I grabbed his hand and pulled him back to the ground. My heart roared as he fell to his knees again. He had to understand how I felt, if only my heart would be eloquent enough to explain.
" I'm sorry." My eyes stayed wide in fear of his departure and a few lonely tears slid down my cheeks. " I'm trying, I really am, but all this..."
" Stop it! Just stop it!" He grabbed my shoulders and I shook under his firm grip. I felt like a child again, his hands wrapping easily around my slim shoulders. " I can't be responsible for anymore pain that you feel. I can't save you; I can't even save myself! I've failed you too many times, and now Wendla..." His eyes widened in a horrified anguish as he slipped into memory. I sniveled and quaked, trying desperately to understand why I couldn't just say I loved him. He held me there, breathing heavily and I wanted to make everything alright again.
I took his hand and slowly placed it on my heart. I wrapped my fingers around his and prayed he could feel my heart hammering in my chest. His other hand, still gripping my shoulder, tightened. He pulled his hand away and threw his arms around me in a tight hug. Stunned, I tried to speak but only a a puff of air came out as he gripped me tighter. This was a new feeling of want on Melchior's part. He had always been so gentle with me, afraid he would break me.
" I don't care what has happened with Hanschen." Melchior's voice was a hoarse whisper into my shoulder. " I must tell you. I did things with Wendla. But they mean nothing! I thought.... I thought I had lost you to Hanschen and I needed someone. She was there for me Ernst, but you have to believe me..." He sounded so afraid and I realized how Hanschen must have felt when I had told him about my father. I battled with a sudden hate for Wendla and a jealousy that was difficult to control. But when I felt Melchior let out a soft sob it dissolved into a feeling of sorrow for him. He had crumbled at my feet and held tight to me. I wasn't one to judge, I had kissed his best friend Moritz and willingly gave myself to Hanschen. A fling with Wendla, how ever maddening, would have to be over looked.
" Oh Melchior, we are even." I repeated the phrase he had told me in the haunted house and he held tighter to me. It felt odd to have the roles reversed like this but I realized that we truly were even. I craned my neck and lightly kissed the top of his hair as he cried into my shoulder. I held tight to him, making sure he wouldn't go away again. It felt good to be the one holding things together for once and I was absolutely joyed to be able to hold things together with Melchior. Despite the peace the night had brought I felt something missing from the perfect moment.
" I love you." I whispered into his welcoming hair, and with the moon and stars as my witness I would never let him go.
NOTE: so there it is :) i don't know if i really like it but i felt like i was losing ernst's innocence. i wanted to kind of play up the fact that he is dancing by himself while melchior and wendla are in the hay loft doing you know what. i hope you guys liked it and let me know what you think :)