hey guys! thanks for the feedback, it was really great to know that people don't want my story to end and that it inspired them. I've decided to keep going so anyone who didn't want me to can stop reading if you want :) sorry for the alerts and stuff i didn't realize you couldn't comment on a replaced chapter again so i had to fiddle with it sorry again
The world slowed in its spinning and the monsters were kept at bay by Melchior's strong arms. After an hour of him shuddering and crying in my arms he had calmed enough to lead me up into the hay loft. There he had flopped into a pile of hay and I curled up close to him, nuzzling my face into his neck. He whispered words in my ear, most of them incomplete broken sentences, but none the less they comforted me. I felt whole with him so close and had wanted the night to last forever but against my wishes my eyes slipped into a rich and restful slumber.
***
"Shit! We over slept! I never went home. Man, I am totally f..."
"Melchior!" The profanity had woken me and I had to stop Melchior before he spewed out more. He glanced at me and paused as if he couldn't quite remember who I was. He reached down and offered his hand and helped me clamber to my feet.
" You don't understand we can't be late to school. We have final exams today!" I gulped and icy panic slid down my throat. Any thought of final exams had slipped from my mind the moment Melchior had come close to me. I prayed that my study session would help me scrounge through with a passing grade. Melchie saw how upset he had made me and pulled me closer, wrapping his arms around my waist. I hesitated, unsure about the gentle touch that was so alien to me. He picked some bits of straw from my hair and I brushed some out of his. I giggled at his tickling fingers and sneezed as some hay flew into my nose. This made him laugh and for the first time in an eternity Melchie smiled inside and out.
Untold joy exuded from my every pore as we ran side by side all the way to the school house. For once my feet didn't get in my way and every step I took was sure and steady. We had run so fast and freely that we made it to school before anyone else did. Anyone except Moritz that is.
My stomach lurched as I saw his anxious figure hopping from one foot to the other at the school door. I stumbled and Melchior grabbed my arm to steady me. I tugged away from his grasp and tried to distance myself from him. He looked at me, the hurt evident in his eyes. I hardened my heart but it shattered as Moritz lifted his wild head and looked at me. Melchior's hand searched for mine but I shoved them into my pockets.
" Good morning Moritz." My voice was high with anxiety. I wanted everything to be ok. Moritz's fleeting kiss seemed like a life time ago but the pain in his eyes brought to life all the memories. I held my breath and hoped he would at least start his whispering. His soft brown eyes looked flinty in the morning light and they flickered between Melchior and I. I was torn between wanting to hide in Melchior's jacket or sweeping Moritz into a hug. Instead, I stayed on the edge teetering between the two until a loud shout broke the silence.
" Wow, you guys must get up really early!"
" I doubt they even slept at all with exams today." Georg and Otto came up the hill looking worn but ready for the exam. Moritz sniffed and plucked nervously at his sleeve. As quickly as he could he slipped away from the group and I itched to follow him.
When I knew no one would miss me I slipped off and cautiously approached Moritz. I got ten feet away before Moritz took a few steps back. The words that were stuck in my throat felt like fire and I wanted desperately to scream them, if only Moritz would let me get closer.
" I'm sorry." I called into the air. Moritz laughed and turned his back to me just as the professor beckoned us into the building.
I made my way to my desk and shoved my elbows away from me trying to create a barricade between Hanschen and Moritz. Hanschen eyed me up and down and I caught Moritz casting furtive glances in my direction. My paranoia was well founded as I felt both their eyes dig into me. I frowned and tried to concentrate on the paper before me.'
The test was long and arduous but I finished in a respectable amount of time. I sat nervously tapping my pencil and listened to Moritz's lone pencil scratch madly across the paper. I prayed to god that he would find a way to forgive me and pass the test. I would never be able to live with myself if Moritz failed because of me. With a resounding slap of his switch onto Melchior's desk the professor dismissed the class. One by one we filed up and handed in our tests. Hanschen stood in front of me and Moritz was behind me. I was trapped between them as I handed in my paper with shaking hands.
" Nervous about the results, Herr Robel?" The professor grabbed my wrist and examined my twitching fingertips.
"Something like that." I threw my eyes down and battled with the heat rising in my face. I wanted to talk to Moritz, and to let him know how sorry I was. The professor let go of my wrist and let out a displeased grunt as he saw Moritz behind me.
Moritz slammed down his paper and ran out the door before I had a chance to even blink. I heard the professor grumble something about "only sixteen."
Dejected I slinked out of the class room only to bump right into Hanschen.
" I was hoping to see you, Ernst." Hanschen held my shoulders and smiled devilishly. My stomach knotted as I tried to squash any enjoyment I got from his touch out of me.
" I don't think we have much to talk about, Hanschen. We talked yesterday." His grip tightened slightly as I tried to pull away.
" I understand that, but you... surprised me. I don't like surprises. You could learn all about my dislikes and likes at the vineyard tonight. I hear the first day of summer is the nicest night to listen to the grass hoppers." His offer was tempting. If I went with Hanschen I wouldn't be betraying Moritz. As I conferred with in the solitude of my mind Hanschen's hand reached up to my hair.
" You have a bit of straw in your hair. Been playing cowboy have we?" Hanschen smiled and pulled the straw from my hair. As his arm moved back down I saw Melchior running up to the two of us. I tried to wriggle free but Melchie reached us long before I could escape from Hanschen's strong grasp.
" What's going on here? Ernst?" Melchie questioned breathlessly as he shoved his body in between Hanschen and I.
" Just chatting about how lovely the vineyard is. Ernst and I plan to go there tonight."
" I never...." I tried to throw my two cents in but they were too busy bickering back and forth.
" Oh no he is not! He needs to be home on time or else his father..." Melchior paid no attention to my tug at his sleeve. Hanschen's eyes squinted and he reached his hand to Melchior's hair. He plucked a piece of straw and held it in his hand looking from me to the straw to Melchior.
" Ernst is a big boy. Let him make his own decisions!" Hanschen's words were smooth and riddled with implications. Both boys looked at me expectingly and I froze like a dear staring into a rifle. I couldn't stand the fighting between these two and having to choose was impossible. Hanschen's golden angel's hair tumbled in the rising wind and Melchior's polar opposite black curls bobbed up and down. I had to choose between two different worlds but my heart was being torn.
I pushed between them and ran. I ran up and over the hill and down the road and away. I heard shouts of blame volley between the two but no following feet. I breathed a sigh of relief and slowed to a walk. I walked and came upon the dogwood tree I had first sat under with Melchior. The tree's spring blossoms were almost completely gone but a few still remained fluttering in the summer breeze.
As I got closer I saw a hunched figure beneath the tree. Moritz sat cross legged, holding his head in his hands. As quietly as I could I sidled up and sat beside him. He never looked up once and I situated myself a few inches from him.
" It is such a balance, you know." His voice made me jump. I didn't think he knew I was there but slowly he lifted his head to look at me. " I wish, for just five minutes, I could be this tree. And just for five minutes exist for nothing more than to sit in the sun and watch the world pass me by."
" I'm sorry." I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them holding in all the emotion I felt.
" I know." He looked at his feet digging circles in the dirt.
" Well, do you forgive me?" My heart pounded painfully in my chest. I only need to have his forgiveness and then maybe I could start worrying about Melchior and Hanschen. Instead he laughed again and threw a rock out into the road.
" You are not the one I need to forgive. And it is not Melchior either." My heart dropped and I put my head on my knees smelling the musty cotton. I needed to clear my head. " I am sorry." Moritz's voice had slipped to a whisper and his nervous twitching started again.
" I know." I whispered back. A little yellow butterfly fluttered down and landed on my cheek. Moritz smiled and went to cup it in his hands but it flew away leaving his hand lying lightly on my cheek.
" I better head home. Maybe you should too. I heard your mama calling your name out last night. She misses you." I swallowed hard and sighed at the thought of mama looking for me in the cold darkness. Moritz offered me his hand and pulled me to my feet.
We began to walk home side by side, just like we had done so many times when we were young. Tension still remained but was eased by the dying summer light. At my front door we parted silently. Moritz looked briefly over his shoulder and waved. I waved back but he didn't see as his door shut behind him.
I turned to face my own looming front door and tried to not imagine Father on the other side. I pushed the door in and mother sat curled in Father's arm chair. The moment my footstep echoed on the hard wood her eyes fluttered open and she jumped to her feet. She encased me in a monster hug and then held me at arms length. She drew her hands back and stared at me.
" Mama, you can't do this to me." I couldn't take her back and forth caring. Her faithfulness faltered and I didn't know if I should love or hate her.
" Please Ernst, you don't understand. I fell in love with your father, I can't expect you to understand that kind of love, you are just a boy." I scoffed at her ignorance. I knew love better than she ever would and I knew how hard it was to be torn. " You have to believe me when I say this; I love you more than anything but I love your Father just as much."
" How?" How could she love us both when he was destroying me? How could she love him when he was ripping apart my childhood before her very eyes?
"Ernst, when you fall in love with a nice Christian girl you will understand. You will think she can do no wrong and you learn to turn a blind eye to anything... undesired." I tried to relate by thinking of Melchior doing something undesirable. I connected to Melchior's faithlessness. I had always held god in the highest regard but I was in love with someone who didn't believe he existed. I grasped at this and pushed myself to forgive my mother. I knew she was trying her best but her best couldn't save me. For now I was just going to have to let her live her life.
" Where is Father?" I asked raking the house with my eyes, searching for his solid figure. Mother puller her raven hair, identical to mine, off to the side and smiled softly.
" He is spending the night in town. He will be back tomorrow morning." I smiled realizing how happy she was to have the chance to be with me alone. " Do you want some lemonade? I can make it special, like I used to." I looked at mama and for the first time I saw the wrinkles etched deep into her face and the silver strands of hair lightening her dark tresses. I felt sorry for her.
" That sounds nice, mama." She bustled off into the kitchen and returned with a large pitcher. She sat herself next to me on the couch and chattered happily trying to cover up the awkward feeling of being a stranger in my own home. I felt like a distant friend coming for a visit but neither one of us know what to say so we talk about nothing. I let her talk and reminisce about things that would never come back and I let her smile foolishly at my dimples. The night would have went on forever like that if a commotion hadn't erupted outside.
" I know this news is unpleasant but I am sure you will find a proper way to discipline your son." I walked to the window and watched as the professor hurried down the dark road. Moritz and his father stood spotlighted by their open front door. Screams exploded and Moritz stood flinching at every word. Suddenly he rushed inside and ran back out cradling something that glinted happily in the light. He exploded out into the dark world; his feet kicking up dirt. I recognized the desperate run of a person at a dead end. I had done it so many times myself.
" Oh dear, best let them handle things themselves." I yelped as mother appeared at my side.
" Mama, I can't just let him go. He needs me." My voice was dry and my feet already started moving towards the door.
" No! It really is best to let them handle things on their own. No use getting involved." Her eyes glinted wildly as she blocked the door.
" Is that your thoughts with me mama? Just let your son handle his father beating him? Just let him handle being completely and totally devoid of any affection. Best to not get involved!" I pushed past her and into the biting night.
" I can't lose you again!" She wrapped her arms around my waist and sobbed into my back.
" You didn't lose me. You never even had me. Don't worry, you still have father." I peeled her hands off and ran after Moritz. I prayed I hadn't hurt her too much, after all she had tried to help me. I prayed I had hurt her just enough to let me go.
NOTE: i know it is kind of sour with ernst's mom but i felt that was best. let me know how you guys feel. reviews make me really happy :)