sorry for the long break in between updates. A two week vacation with no computer can do that :) well here it is.i kind of fiddled with the style a little. Let me know what you think. Thanks for all the reveiws on the last chapter they were amazing. Sorry for it being so long. Everything just got kind of pent up. Thanks for your patience.
Two days seemed like two years. Two days had passed and now mother was tugging at my tie preparing me for his funeral. My stomach growled noisily and mother eyed it pleadingly. I hadn't eaten anything in the last two days nor did I plan on eating now.
" You are already too skinny. Why don't you eat a little something before we go." She tried to brush the hair away from my eyes but I swiveled to avoid her touch. Moritz couldn't eat anything so why should I? Mother sighed and licked her finger. She rubbed hard at what she thought was dirt on my face only to see my wince as she pressed against a fading bruise.
After all that had happened father remained relentless. Each night he would hit me and I would crawl to my room after an hour or so. It didn't hurt me anymore. Each time he hit me I tried to imagine the pain Moritz must have felt. The pain ebbs away and I am left hollow.
Father stood towering over me now. He inspected me like a wolf inspects it's prey. He looked handsome in the dark suit mother had picked out for him. His usually blood shot eyes were clear of the spidery red veins and he was steady on his feet. I hated that it took a tragedy like this to make him sober.
" Straighten up boy! You might as well be spineless!" He slapped a hand on my back and I shot bolt upright. I guess he didn't need to be drunk to hate me. I peaked out the window to try and take my mind off my stinging back. A small procession of black clad families were beginning to form. They walked slowly and steadily, all heading in the same direction.
Mother took my hand and began to pull me towards the door. She tugged again but my feet didn't move.
"I forgot something." I broke free and mother didn't protest. That was the first thing I had said in the last two days and she figured it had to be important. I walked to my room and shut the door behind me. Everything remained how it had always been except for one tiny change. My old teddy bear sat peacefully on my comforter. It stared back with soft blue button eyes. After the night with Moritz I had gone home and dragged it out of my closet. It had become a permanent fixture in my hand and even now I didn't want to leave it behind.
When I was young mama had made me the bear and as father began to being stricter with me I would tug at it's ear. Each night when he would send me to bed with a black eye I would crawl into the covers and pull softly at the bears ear. Now the bear had one ear missing and the other stretched out far beyond it's usual length. It was missing patches of fur but no matter how scruffy it got I could never part with it.
I scooped it up off my bed and ran back to the living room. Mother and father had already left for the church. I walked out the door, the bear dangling in my hand.
As I crested the hill voices drifted to my ears. Moritz's father stood red faced and talking in fast whispers to the priest. An undertow of gossiping voices filtered about from the many bystanders and made the conversation impossible to hear. I stuffed the bear into my pocket and worked my way through the crowd until I could hear what they were saying.
" How can you deny a young boy's soul a proper service." Herr Steifel's voice rose with indignation.
" This young boy is a sinner. No man has a right to take a life, even his own!" And with a curt nod the priest turned and walked back up to the church. Herr Steifel stood with his mouth open as if he were going to call the priest back. Instead he slipped it shut and looked around at all the expecting people.
My insides knotted. If Moritz didn't have a service who knows what would happen to his soul. My eyes drove over the crowd and finally fell on Melchior. He was standing beneath a large oak tree with his hands deep in his pockets. He didn't look up as I approached him.
The last two days of my life had been spent in solitude but against my will. When I had managed to drag myself out of bed and get away from father I searched for Melchior. I would go to his house and be met at the door by Frau Gabor. She would smile politely and tell me Melchior was not in. I would run to the haunted house only to find the door locked tight. A candle would always be burning brightly in the window. I banged on the door calling Melchior but he would never answer.
Now Melchior remained distant. I was left stranded for words as he stood statue still. I went to put my hand on his shoulder but he shrugged away.
" They aren't going to do a service for him. I was hoping you... I was hoping you could say a few words." My knees shook. This unfamiliar nervousness around Melchior perplexed me. I had always felt safe and warm and almost confident but the bravado had left me. Melchie's head shot up and my heart stopped. His eyes had never looked so cold and lost.
"What makes you think I would do something like that." His voice was ice and caused a huge lump to rise in my throat.
" He is your best friend... I thought maybe."
" He was my best friend." Tears burst from my eyes. I had been holding them back because I knew crying wouldn't bring him back but now I thought I was losing Melchior too. Melchie looked down at his shoes and mumbled softly to himself. " I'll do it. Just please, no more crying. I am sorry." Melchior brushed past me with out a second look.
Many people had already left feeling no need to remain after paying their respects. All the students and the girls stood huddled silently against the blazing joyous sun. It didn't make sense in my mind that the sun could ever be so bright on a day like this. Moritz's father stood at the edge of the grave site. Melchior cleared his throat and began to speak. All eyes fell on him as his voice carried over the birds chirping in the near by trees.
" Were you really so blind and unkind to him? You can't help the itch to touch, to kiss, to hold him once again. Now to close his eyes and never open them." Each word was directed with a a sharp poignancy towards Herr Steifel. " A shadow past." Melchior's speech continued on but I had stopped listening. I closed my eyes and conjured Moritz before me. I tried with my whole heart to recreate the wild hair and twitching nose. After a while I could almost hear his voice again. A opened my eyes to see Hanschen in front of me. He put a hand on my shoulder and led me over to a pile of lilies Martha had collected. All of us picked one up and in a grim parade began to place them on Moritz's grave. My knees wobbled as my turn approached far too quickly. Hanschen's hands steadied me and pushed me gently forward.
The grave opened up before me like a vast canyon and at the bottom a mahogany coffin rested like a river. A few lilies rested on top and with a flick of my wrist mine tumbled through the air to join them. I peaked over to see Herr Steifel looking down at the grass. Everyone looked to him as if it was his fault. I had heard Thea whispering how she didn't even think he cared that his son was gone. I knew this wasn't true. In the nights I had spent awake after Moritz's death I had stole away into the darkness to avoid the suffocating roof. One night I walked to Moritz's window and peered in. I thought maybe it was a trick and he would be huddled over his desk trying to finish up homework. Instead of him I saw Herr Steifel curled in Moritz's bed. Nothing in his room had been touched and soft sobs filtered through the window. Herr Steifel cared about his son, of that I was sure.
Even after I had walked away from the grave Hanschen kept a light grip on my shoulder. I looked searchingly at his blue eyes. They seemed different now and I knew his grip on me was as much for his well being as mine. We stood close together, his fingers absentmindedly squeezing my shoulder.
With a closing amen that Melchior didn't participate in the group dispersed. I tried to get away and follow Melchior but he had drifted into the crowd and was back home before I could even blink. I slipped my hand into my pocket and felt the scraggly fur of my teddy bear brush up against my fingers. I pulled it out and smiled. I hadn't smiled in so long that my cheeks creaked with the lack of use.
Unsteadily I walked alone back to Moritz's grave. It was so deep and I imagined falling in. I shuddered and tugged softly at the bear's remaining ear. I felt selfish. I was still here and Moritz was not. He didn't have a chance to get out or to live, and here I was squeezing a teddy bear and crying over wishes. He wouldn't want me to be like this. I gave my teddy bear a tight hug and then carefully tossed it into the grave. Moritz needed it more than I did. A few men came up and began hurling dirt into the hole. The didn't know they were burying an innocent boy and they didn't now they were burying my childhood with him.
"He is gone, you know." I recognized Hanschen's voice and felt his breath hover over my ear.
" I know." I didn't turn to face him but continued to watch as the grave filled.
" I am still here." His hand was placed again on my shoulder but this time it felt heavier.
" I know." He pulled me away and I let him lead me. I didn't have the strength to resist his touch. As we grew farther from civilization and neared the rim of the woods his hand slipped from my shoulder and into my hand. He pulled me into the woods and began to talk of the weather. I didn't listen very closely and he didn't expect me to. We both needed sound to fill the air and his strong voice supplied that.
He led me along a path that snaked through the woods and over time our feet slowing until we stopped at the base of a huge elm. He sat down and motioned me to join him. I remained on my feet, unsure of his intentions. Melchior's voice filled my mind and I became wary of my solitude with the blond haired boy.
" Why not? You have nowhere else to be. We can just... talk if you want." The word talk made Hanschen's face screw up as if he didn't like the idea but he would tolerate it. He brought up a good point. I had nowhere else to be. Melchior wouldn't see me and I wouldn't go back to my father. I lowered myself to the ground and looked nervously over at Hanschen. He did his best to smile invitingly.
" Thank you." The words were out before I could stop them. My cheeks caught fire and I cursed myself for still blushing when I talked to him. He laughed softly and went to move closer but stopped himself.
" For what? I haven't done anything." He wrapped his arms around his knees and looked up at the foliage budding above us. The silence engulfed us. I didn't know what to tell him. I only knew that I was grateful towards him. I copied Hanschen and wrapped my arms around my knees. I wished they didn't have to be my own arms wrapping around me and I longed for Melchie's strong embrace. Hanschen raised his eyebrow as he looked over at me. I had unconsciously begun to smile as I thought of Melchior. "You should smile more."
" How can I? My father beats me. Moritz is..." I swallowed hard " and I am in love with..." I swallowed even harder. I wanted to say Melchior but I knew Hanschen wouldn't like hearing that and for some odd reason I didn't want him to leave. I wanted Melchior to be right next to me helping me through this but he obviously didn't want anything to do with me. Instead I had Hanschen who was holding me up and helping me through. His compassion was out of place in his usual aloof attitude and threw me off guard.
" Who are you in love with?" His voice was soft and pushed at my conscience. He took the liberty of sliding closer. He paused to see if I would run away and when I didn't move he slid right next to me. Our sides touched and he gazed at me intently. I looked down trying to find some escape. I was in love with Melchior but the words wouldn't come out. Hanschen slipped his fingers under my chin and made me look up. " I will make this easy for you. All you have to do is point to him." My hands remained at my sides. I couldn't point because he wasn't here. I stuttered trying to explain but no intelligible words came out. " He isn't here, is he? If you love him why isn't he here with you?" Hanschen voiced the very questions my mind had been suppressing. His lips curled into a victorious smile. " Don't worry. I will soon have you pointing." He laughed and brushed his lips against mine.
" Hanschen I can't." I huffed out between our lips. Despite my protest I didn't pull away as the kiss deepened. Hanschen twisted his finger through my hair and I held tight to him. I shook as adrenaline pumped through my veins and I felt more alive than I had in weeks. Hanschen leaned me onto my back and pulled my shirt away exposing my pale chest. He broke the kiss only momentarily to pull his own shirt off. He threw it over a tree and pressed himself against me. The skin on skin contact made me gasp and squeeze his shoulders as he trailed his lips along my neck. He laughed and I blushed out of habit. I closed my eyes, ashamed with myself for finding any pleasure in this. He brought his lips back up to meet mine again. I twisted my head away but he didn't notice and merely trailed his lips down the other side of my neck.
Hanschen had placed his hand by my knee but it had slowly worked its way up. I closed my eyes as my breathing came hot and heavy. Hanschen's hand slid higher and I squeaked as his fingers and lips worked their magic.
" I shouldn't. I can't. Melchior." Finally his name had flung from my mouth. Hanschen's head snapped up as if he had been smacked in the face. Anger and hurt flashed in his eyes but quickly dissipated as he drew himself close to my face.
" Where is he, Ernst? If he cared even an ounce for you he would be here with you right now. I am here with you. I care." Hanschen pouted his lips out as if he truly was hurt by my words. " He is probably off with Wendla forgetting about all his little troubles. Forgetting about you." Hanschen petted my hair to calm my jagged breathing only succeeding in making me whimper. I had no argument for Hanschen.
" He said things were over with Wendla." My voice was a quiet whisper. I pushed myself into a sitting position and Hanschen sighed as he slipped off of me. He sat next to me and shook his head as he wrapped his arm playfully around my waist.
" Gabor says a lot of things. He doesn't mean any of them. I bet he said he loved you." I shifted through my memory. In the brief time we had truly spent together I had no recollection of him saying I love you, only I am sorry. " He hasn't has he? He makes things too easy for me."
" He hasn't. Do you love me?" My throat ached with all the words unsaid and my heart split with the thought of Melchior. Hanschen's eyes shifted and he scanned me, eyeing my bare chest and finally falling on my face.
" I care." Hanschen pulled me onto his lap and I rested my head against his cheek. I was so tired from everything. Hanschen was warm and wanted me and that was enough for the moment. I drifted into sleep listening to the birds and Hanschen's laughter.
***
" And this is how you do a head lock." Two strong arms ripped me from my slumber and immobilized my head. I frantically struggled and coughed. Father flashed before my eyes and blocked out everything else. " Calm down just go with it!" A furious whisper hissed in my ear. My heart hammered as I recognized Hanschen's confident voice.
Two figures broke through the foliage and I recognized Otto and Georg.
" What are you two doing we have been looking all over for you!" Georg huffed and adjusted his glasses. Hanschen released me and I fell to my knees.
" Oh just showing Ernst some self defense. Seems he has been having some problem with bullies." Hanschen insinuated that Georg was the bully and Georg looked around feigning innocence.
"Ok but we have news! Melchior has been sent away to the reformatory!" I gasped and all heads turned towards me.
" I have got to see for myself." Hanschen grabbed his shirt and hurriedly threw it on. " Just think about what we talked about. Ok?" Hanschen smiled knowingly at me and left me standing with Otto and Georg.
" Boy he really worked you over didn't he?" Georg looked at the many bruises inflicted by father that peppered my back. Otto looked solemnly on, unusually quiet. I slipped to the ground and started to cry. Everyone I ever loved or cared about left me. Melchior was far away and once again I didn't even get to say goodbye. Georg looked at Otto awkwardly and motioned they should leave.
" Self defense, huh?" Otto flicked his head towards my back. I knew that he knew where the bruises came from.
" Yeah, self defense." I said bitterly through the tears. They left me. I was alone and miserable as the sun began to set.
"I didn't even get to say goodbye, but then again, he never got to say I love you." the tears slipped down through the angry words and I hoped the whole world heard. After a few moments of disgust and self pity I got a hold of myself. I dig my fingers into my knees and tried to look on the bright side. Things could be worse I whispered. I could be gone. Instead I thought about Hanschen. " He...he cares."
NOTE:will Ernst choose Hanschen? How will Melchior save the day? You will just have to wait and see lol. Reviews make the world go round :)