thanks for the reveiws :) you guys are great! so this chapter is kind of slow but picks up at the end. please be patient.
I noticed mother in the kitchen window as she bustled about undoubtedly preparing dinner. I tried to assure myself that father would be in a good mood because mother was so diligent with her meals. Instead of reassurance I felt sick. I did my best to suppress the growing sense of anxiety and loss left behind by Melchior's sudden departure.
Once again my knees began knocking sharply together as the front door hurtled in creating an expecting hole. Father loomed in the door way and I stood on the front steps waiting for him to pull me in. I watched with the same morbid curiosity of a person watching an execution as my father raised his hand. Instead of a deafening smack he put his hand on my shoulder. My body spasmed slightly in its Pavlovian response to his touch. He brought me inside with out a word but also with out violence. Confounded, I followed him like a sheep thats run from the flock.
" The greatest news has come about!" Father peered down at me from his unusually craggy face. It was made more jagged by the smile misplaced on his lips. " Well, aren't you going to ask whats so good?"
This man couldn't be my father. This man smiled and left his hand lightly on my shoulder as if I was an adult, as if I were his equal. The best response I could manage was a weak head bob.
" The wretched Gabor boy is gone! He has been sent off to some reformatory. Where he belongs in my opinion!" I coughed as I choked on my own heart. Father found joy in the very thing that was destroying me. "Come sit down! Mother has prepared a wonderful meal." Obviously not put off by my complete lack of enthusiasm for his "joyous" news, he wheeled me around and plopped me into the seat next to him.
Mother hummed a merry tune, ecstatic at our cordialness. She chattered out light conversation about the weather and all the pretty spring flowers. I couldn't take it. I had just gone to Moritz's funeral today and found out the boy I loved has been sent away to some god forsaken school and they expected me to be enjoying the lilies and the fresh spring breeze.
Father poured a generous amount of wine into his cup and gulped it down and refilled it again. He filled mother's cup and then surprisingly he poured some into mine.
" We celebrate tonight!" Was his only explanation for his odd behavior. The cup glared at me with red eyes. There was nothing to celebrate. If anything I should be mourning the loss of a friend and a lover. I watched as father gladly helped himself to another cup and I watched as the red tint seeped into his eyes and listened as his speech began to slur. My hand itched to grab the wine glass. I figured that it could take away all the pain.
I felt my fingers wrap around the skinny stem of the glass and listened with interest as my breathing shallowed to a rapped pant. I closed my eyes and I envisioned my father wobbling on his feet oddly enough resembling a lumbering circus bear. I had never liked the circus bears. Just below their comical exterior you knew there was something miserable and tormented about them. I opened my eyes again and saw the red wine in my cup. It bobbed like a huge ocean entrapped in a bubble. It didn't take much imagining to see myself as a circus bear. I didn't want to be like my father. I didn't want to hurt people or be hurt anymore. But with this threshold to adulthood placed before me I didn't know where else to turn.
"Well are you going to drink it or am I going to have to!" Father's harsh voice startled me and made me knock the wine glass over. A sharp smack to the back of my head brought everything back to normal. I smiled happily at the shiny red stain spreading along mother's white table cloth. Whether he knew it or not father had just saved me from becoming him. I quickly swore to god I would never drink. Never
Father jerked me to my feet and dragged me along like a master pulling a dog. He threw me into the closet with out a word and I smacked my head. It throbbed for a moment or two but I had already dismissed it. I sat in the total darkness listening to the sounds of my family's dinner continuing on. The closet had become a relief from the world. While I was in it I didn't have to worry about who loved me or who cared. I was nothing and people could live their lives as if I never even existed.
I listened to the clatter of plates and silverware as mother cleaned. I listened to fathers tumultuous snores as mother helped him to bed. As I heard their door click behind them I wondered if mother had forgotten about me. It wouldn't be the first time. Usually she would come to the door, knock, and whisper a few words of good night but there was no more foot steps to be heard.
As I waited in the darkness for morning I pushed thoughts of Hanschen and Melchior out of my head. I was left with a lingering feeling of loss as a few scraps of memory floated through my head. I remembered Moritz and how he would often smile at nothing around me, a momentary reprieve from his worried half frown. His smile graced my lips as I slipped into sleep.
***
" No! Leave him alone! He didn't do anything. Stop it! Don't leave me. I said I loved you." my eyes flew open as my lips hung open where the words had been cut off. The dream had been terrible. Melchior was being dragged away into some dark building, and all I could do was stand at the sidelines and watch. Tears burned at the corners of my eyes and I bit my lip to keep them from spilling over.
Mother opened the closet door to find me hopelessly tangled in a few old towels and the mop. Wordlessly she helped me to my feet.
" Father is still asleep. Get out of the house. I can't deal with you and him today." She rubbed tenderly at her temples and I looked intently at her. She appear older and haggard beyond recognition. I realized she was nursing a throbbing hangover but still her distance pained me.
Obediently I walked out the door leaving the people I had come to know as strangers behind. In my mind I no longer had parents. This revelation only brought a slight heart ache as I reminisced about mother making lemonade on a hot summer day.
Aimlessly, I wandered over the streets and watched as a few people dared to come out on this slightly overcast day. I made my way to the school house not really sure what to expect. As a rule most children stay as far away from school as possible once it has ended but now I felt drawn to its innocence.
The building was quaint and laid out beneath the clouds like on old cat. It made me squirm to think that the events in this building had pushed Moritz to his death. But it wasn't only the school who deserved blame. I walked up to the windows and peered in. I saw the abandoned desks and the empty coat rack. My eyes focused on the seat where I had spent my days. I took a step back and suddenly the window acted as a mirror. The face that stared back was thin but not quite as gaunt as usual. I wondered at how I had matured. I still had a baby face but it seemed different some how. I spun a few times inspecting myself until a pack of high giggles made me blush. The girls stood a few feet away all hiding their smiles behind their hands.
" Looking for a beard Ernst?" Thea burst into laughter but it was not cruel. She skipped up and took my hand. She stood on tip toe and inspected my chin " No but you are tall enough for one!" She giggled and spoke as if she were an expert on beards and boys. I scanned all their faces and they all seemed reasonably happy. Their mood was contagious and I found myself smiling too.
Thea continued to babble about how much she knew and every so often Ana would blush and put a hand to her mouth as if even hearing such things was a sin.
" And if Wendla were here!" Thea had lost herself in her excitement and suddenly the girl's happiness vaporized into the humid air. I looked again at all the girls and realized that Wendla was indeed missing from the gathering.
"Where is Wendla? I haven't seen her in several days." All I eyes shifted to any where but me. Ana grabbed onto Martha's sleeve as if she were a little girl again and Martha placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder. Thea's usually over active mouth had become a clam and wouldn't pry open with my pressing gaze.
"Wendla is sick. She has anemia." Ana's timid voice had broken through the silence. I frowned hoping the best for the poor girl. Despite Melchior's ... adventures with her I still thought highly of the sweet girl.
" Do you know what the whisper is? They say it isn't anemia." Thea's voice burst out of her and Ana and Martha both shushed her urgently. " Oh come off it. Everyone has heard." Contrary to her confidence Thea's eyes shifted from side to side making sure the coast was clear.
" What do they think it is?" I didn't have the slightest idea as to what it could possibly be I only hoped that she would be ok.
" Well I over heard from my mother that she heard from Ana's mother that Ana's mother heard from Martha's mother who over heard a fight at the Bergman's that she is with child!" My head spun slightly from the twisted story and it took a moment for me to understand and comprehend what she had said.
" But she has not been married!" The girls nodded their heads gravely to show their dark understanding.
" I still think it is anemia!" Ana piped up. From the look in her eyes you could tell she didn't truly believe it was anything but pregnancy. I swallowed to try and clear the unpleasant taste that had formed in my mouth.
" It was nice speaking with you, but I think I really should be off." I tipped my head as a polite good bye and the girls waved somberly. The thought of childbirth perplexed and frightened me. I couldn't even begin to think of the mechanisms and occurrences that had to take place for a human life to form with in a women but one of the criteria I knew had to be marriage.
I squirmed at the thought of my old cat giving birth and I made my way up to the tire swing sitting high up on the school yard hill. I distinctly remember her piteous yowls as the slippery lumps were brought to earth. At the time I cried out of fright for my beloved cat until my father came in and tried to explain how it all worked. He told me this cat had sinned and would go to hell because it had reproduced with out getting married. This made me cry harder because I didn't want my kitty to go to hell. The next morning after I had rushed out to the barn to see the kittens and their mother I found her empty crate. Father walked in with scratches all up his arms and told me that he had " cleansed them".
I shuddered to think of Wendla as my innocent cat. I knew if I dwelt on it much longer I would work myself into hysterics. To distract from the thought of children and cats I began to push myself on the tire swing. My legs hung limply through the hole and pushed against the dirt forcing me higher and higher. I hugged the scratching rope tight to my body as I closed my eyes and listened to the wind screaming past my ears. After the wind had cleared my thoughts I slowed to a gentle sway. I missed the feeling of hands pushing me as they had when we were all very young.
" I miss you." The words were a message sent into the air for Melchior's ears.
" No need. I am right here." Hanschen's seductive growl sounded pleased as he began lightly pushing me. I had been startled but rather than question how long he had been behind me I accepted his hands pressing lightly on my back and surrendered my control. Hanschen had an amazing gift for helping me feel like I didn't need to do anything. If I just closed my eyes he would lead me in the right direction.
Before long Hanschen's hands had looped around my waist. I held tight to the rope as he held tight to me and he rubbed softly at my stomach. He propped his chin on the top of my head and I was comforted by his warmth.
" You said you loved me." His words woke me from my content trance.
"Yes I did." I frowned inwardly and tried to stomp out the memory Melchior and I in the field. I had said I loved him too and the memory made my heart quicken into a fast dance.
" Good." I could feel Hanschen's lips curve into a smile and I expected more but he simply brought his hand up and began stroking my hair. My stomach knotted. I seemed to be the only one saying I love you and it was driving me insane. I needed a conformation. A validation that I wasn't just imagining things. I pushed the lump in my thought down and tried to coax my vocal chords into working order.
" Hanschen?" My voice warbled with anxiety and I looked intently at my shoes.
" Mmm?" He mumbled as he laid a light kiss on the top of my head.
" Do you love me?" His grip tightened around my waist and then his hands slipped into his pockets.
" I said I cared. Isn't that enough?" He took a few sulking steps backwards and stared out over the hill. " Isn't me being here enough for you?" His words caught me off guard and disappointed me. I really had thought that his presence was enough but suddenly my heart ached for something more than just a simple body. It needed a connection. I searched Hanschen's face for that connect but the sun shined down and made everything so bright. Hanschen's frown was illuminated and I mirrored his distress. I didn't want to upset him I just wanted to know.
" I am sorry." My head was bent and my voice was thrown to the ground. For a while he stood motionless and I thought he hadn't heard. All at once he swooped closer and locked my lips in his own. His kiss was fierce and passionate and I struggled to get free of the tire swing so I could enjoy it to its full extent. As I fumbled desperately, trying not to pull away from Hanschen, my foot got tangled and I fell flat on my face. Hanschen gasped and quickly jumped to get to my side. He picked me up and cradled me in his arms. I was so humiliated that a flaming blush colored my pale cheeks. Hanschen laughed softly.
" I love when you blush." His words made me blush more and I wiggled out of his arms. We sat in the dirt across from each other for along time. " I should go. Mother expects me home in time for lunch."
Hanschen stood up and brushed himself off. He offered me his hand and pulled me up into a sweet kiss. He broke away long before I was ready to relinquish his lips and with a little wave he trundled off down the hill. My stomach growled loudly interrupting my content and spurring me to begin the walk home.
I walked all the way home in silence and a numb bliss. Each step resounded with Hanschen's words. I ... love...i...love. He had managed to say more than half of what I wanted to hear. The only thing missing was the you.
I scrambled silently into the house and only received a brief worried glance from mother. I fixed myself a sandwich and headed to my room where I locked the door behind me. I looked around and did a flying leap onto my bed. I bounced satisfyingly once or twice and figured this was the happiest I was ever going to be while father was alive. I had someone who wanted to spend time with me and who was willing to touch me and let me touch back. I ignored the nagging feeling of something missing and looked around my room. The white curtains waved in the breeze and I smiled as I saw a letter propped up against my bible. I rarely got mail and assumed it was my grandmother sending me a severely overdue birthday card.
I jumped to my feet and ripped the envelope open exposing a yellow crumpled sheet of paper.
Dear Ernst,
I'm sorry I left so quickly. I didn't have much of a choice. There are so many things I wish I could tell you.
My heart pounded. I recognized Melchior's handwriting and I had dropped the letter to the ground. My hands shook furiously. As if the letter might catch fire at any moment I picked it up and examined it. It was covered in scribbled out lines as if Melchior had wrote something and decided against it later. It also looked like the letter had gotten wet and many of the words were smudged. The only part that I could read was the last paragraph.
Please excuse the crossed out lines. The other boys are here and you must be so careful with what you say. I wouldn't be surprised if one was reading over my shoulder right now. Promise me you will meet me in the cemetery a week from now at midnight. I am coming home.
With all my love,
Melchior
I sunk to the floor with the letter clutched tightly to my chest. My heart hammered painfully loud against my rib cage. There were no words for what I was feeling. He is coming home. Melchior is coming back.
NOTE: so yeah i am almost done with this story and it makes me sad but it is time to move on :) i think approximatly two more chapters. thanks again for all the reveiws. they really get me super happy when i see i have one.