A/N First and foremost HUGE amount of thanks and gratitude go to the fabulous off-the-deep-end who rec'd us and brought a ton of new readers. And to all of you....WELCOME! We're so excited to have all of you here and reviewing (crosses fingers and waits for last bit).
Enjoy the update and there will be a brief q&A at the end!
***
My finger hovers over the send button. Besides the fact that my cell phone has made me a complete addict and I should be resisting furthering that problem, this was a rash move. Calling this number, talking to this person would send me down a path that I couldn't come back from. It was something that I wouldn't be able to erase.
I feel lightheaded and a little nauseous. That's a sign right? Some sick son of fate telling me to stop now? I clench my eyes shut and press send.
This is all supposed to be part of my plan. My big overstated gesture to show him that I mean business, that he was worth the effort and the sheer scared shitlessness that this moment represented. My better judgment, and Emmett, had told me to leave well enough alone, but I couldn't do that.
There were too many references, too many painful cracks in his voice to just let this slide. There was someone in his life that he lost and it was his own personal black hole. I have only recently built the initial bridge over my personal black hole with plans of filling it soon.
My toe twitches in nervousness as I listen to the ringing on the other end of Romeo. It didn't take much to start to piece things together. The beginning was the worst. The beginning when I was almost sure that it was a woman and that fixing his black hole might be leading him to someone else.
So I googled him. It would have been more degrading if I hadn't already white paged him. Apparently I was good with my obvious lack of self-control when it comes to this man. I had to scrape my mouth off the ground when I found old links to a band web site that showed my own pencil neck as a real life fucking guitarist with a mini fan base and all.
I'd rather not remember how much time I spent sampling songs and thinking about the fact that I was so fucking right about those hands. But then the reality that those hands were no longer mine sunk in and I got back to business.
It was easier than I thought to locate his black hole and name it. Jasper.
It makes too much sense to not be right. I know how close people in bands are and Jasper… My eyes water a little thinking about it. It was the end of a lot of things for Edward. The end of the band, the end of his music major and the shittiest end of all, his friend.
My teeth wreak havoc on lower lip as I wait patiently. The fact finding mission was innocent enough, if tweaked and angled just the right way, but what I am about to do is crossing lines.
"Hello?" And there is no turning back now. I release my lip from my teeth and try to conjure up something to say before I just breathe into the phone like some kind of stalker pervert. At least the last part of that insult is far from true.
"Umm yeah. Is this Mrs. Cullen?" I ask hoping to high hell I don't sound like a girl scout selling something.
"Yes, who is this?" she replies. Fair question and yet I have no clue how to answer that. Who am I to him at this point? The bitch that walked out on him? The woman who conned him into leaving his long term girlfriend?
"This is Bella," I say because it's the only thing that I can think of. Original I know. I force my eyes closed and wait for the dial tone.
"Edward's Bella?" she breathes and I feel like I was just sucker punched.
"I know Edward," I correct. It's not fair to allow myself that designation. I don't deserve it. She chuckles over the phone.
"I can't believe he is letting you talk to me. I have been pestering him about you for weeks and he is always putting me off," she laughs. I feel my cheeks redden. She doesn't know. He hasn't told her. That has to mean something good for me right? That maybe he doesn't want the end to be real any more than I do?
"Yeah well he could only keep me to himself for so long," I sigh. Another chuckle on her end. She seems lovely. And clearly the type of woman who didn't parade men in and out of their house his entire childhood. I digress, this is not about me.
"But he doesn't actually know I'm calling," I admit.
"Why does that not surprise me?" she sighs. Now I don't know what to say. There was a logical reason behind this call. My teeth find my lip again. Private Eye Bella kicks back into gear. Confirmation.
"I'm not even sure I should be doing this. I just really care about your son and I feel like he is shutting me out of certain parts of his life and…" I try to catch my breath in the middle of my ramble. This is not going well.
"You're calling about Jasper then?" she asks. I almost drop Romeo. She is magic, this woman.
"Yeah," I breathe. I can hear her heavy sigh over the phone and then the unmistakable sound of a chair scraping across the floor. Good Lord she has to sit down for this.
"What do you know?" she questions. I feel like I have stumbled upon an Oracle and have to choose my questions wisely, like she might limit her answers.
"Not much. Just that he died suddenly and that it must have really hurt Edward because, he just….He isn't the same person." I feel like a fake, acting like I care on the same level as her. That I have seen the transformation like she surely has, but I see glimmers, traces of who he used to be. And I know that he wants to be that person again. At least I think he does.
"I'm not sure how much more I can tell you. Edward was really close to Jasper. We all loved him and it changed the way he saw life, the way he saw himself," she confirms. I bite my lip waiting for more, craving more.
"I'm really sorry honey, but if you want to know more you should really ask him and I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's not my place. But make him tell you. I know that you are bringing something out of him that has been dormant for a long time and you will have to fight, but please do. For all of us," she pleads and I don't realize I am crying till the saltiness hits my lips.
"Thank you. I'm sorry I called, but thank you," I whisper.
"Oh honey. Don't thank me. Thank you for caring enough to do this," she argues. I can only nod and offer a weak goodbye before ending the call. This is going to suck ass. It's going to be hard and he's going to fight, but I am going to do this. For him.
***
I've never liked games where one person hides and the other person is meant to find them. No version of it. It always seemed pointless and even a little mean. And now I am roaming this city involved in what can only be considered a real life Where's Waldo and I am hating every minute.
Once I made up my mind to do this, to pull him out of his self consuming hole, I thought the rest would be easy. My fatal flaw was thinking that he would be easy to find. Other than the places I have dragged him to I have only seem him in two places. His apartment and his work.
His apartment was the obvious first choice. I was ready to break in again. Use my frequent shopper card to jimmy the lock like I did when I first got back, but I couldn't. So I knocked. I knocked and called his name till the neighbors told me to shut up and my knuckles were raw.
I considered telling Maria exactly where she could put her complaints, but I didn't want to cause trouble for Edward. Then I was forced to use my new best friend once again. I pulled Romeo from my pocket and scroll down.
"Stein and Meyer. How can I connect your call?" I smile at the familiar voice.
"Hey Violet it's Bella," I reply.
"Hello dollface. How can I help you?" she coos. I clearly see why Edward adores this woman.
"Yeah, Is Edward in?" I ask. She sighs and that is not the response I want.
"I'm sorry, but he called out today. Used up one of those personal days he's racked up over the last couple of years. I thought he would be with you," she answers. I slump down against the side of the building. No, no, no.
"You want me to take down a message," she offers. I could, but I don't think it would do any good.
"No it's fine. I'll just check his place," I tell her chipperly. She doesn't have to know it's a lie. I bury my face in my gloved hands and just try to hold onto my sanity. I race through all my memories trying to place any other possibility, but come up empty handed.
Then a couple of quarters land in my Chai and my day is officially fucked. I know I am sitting on the sidewalk in New York City, but hell. Do I really look homeless? I stay put watching the sun disappear behind the buildings and comfort myself with the idea of tomorrow.
***
I've been sitting in this chair for two hours already staring at the same sheet of paper. I can't focus. I'm not me. I've always been able to focus on this shit. Always.
I throw my glasses down onto the desk in front of me and rub my eyes. I don't know how shit got this way. I don't know when my life turned into this giant pile of crap.
My cell phone starts buzzing. Bella. Again. She's been calling a lot lately but I can't bring myself to face her. She'll have too many questions and I don't have any fucking answers in me to give. I don't know what I want.
Well, I know what I want but I don't think I can have it.
I silence my phone because I don't have the heart to ignore her and put my glasses back on. I need to accomplish something today. Anything. Even if all I do is add the numbers on this page up and find their average. It means at least that I did something.
The phone rings next to me and I sigh before I pick it up. "I was gonna come over to see if you wanted lunch yet in a few minutes," I tell Violet.
"Oh, that's not why I was calling," she says pleasantly. "Someone is here to see you. I just wanted to let you know that I'm sending them back."
She hangs up before I can ask who exactly it is that she's just sending back. With the way my luck's been going, it's probably Hannah.
I push my chair back so that I can see the door. And when Bella walks through, I feel all of the air whoosh out of my lungs.
She smiles tentatively and I can't help the tiny smile that I return while I watch her walk towards me. She looks so uncomfortable and out of her element. And she should. Bella doesn't belong in a place like this—a horrible, boring soul sucking place.
But she came here for me so I stand up when she reaches me. "Hi," I say quietly. "What are you doing here?"
"Being the pathetic stalker I am. Clearly." She looks down at my phone which is blinking furiously about ten missed calls.
"Yeah, uh sorry." I rub the back of my neck, embarrassed suddenly for acting like such a child. "I've just been… catching up on all of this work."
And I realize that I didn't want to see her because I thought it'd hurt too bad. But now that she's here I just want her to stay.
"You don't need to lie. It's fine. I know what you've been doing. I would want to ignore me too."
I slip my hand into my pocket. I put the ring back because, well, fuck. And I'm trying to hold back the urge to reach for her.
"How have you been?" I ask stupidly. I can tell by her eyes how she's been. I want to rub my thumb over the dark circles that mirror my own.
She sighs heavily and says, "I don't want to do that. That's not why I'm here."
And a million scenarios run through my head but the forerunner is all sorts of shitty. Maybe she decided that it's not worth it.
I rub my thumb hard over the stone. As much as I'm not sure about this, as scared as I am, I don't want her to say she was wrong. I don't want her to take any of it back yet.
She steps closer to me and puts her hand on my forearm before sliding it down slowly. Her eyes stay on mine as her hand slips into my pocket and covers my fist. I let her pull my hand out and she covers her fingers with mine before prodding the ring gently out of my grasp.
There goes my last available lifeline. I feel the tightening in my chest until it's hard to breathe.
"So, um, why'd you come?"
"To tell you that it's not your fault."
What? I watch as she slips the ring into her pinky finger and it's loose, but it stays. I want it to stay.
"What's not?"
"Whatever it is you think you did. He was taken and it was awful, but it wasn't your fault," she says.
I take a step back quickly. Why is she talking about Jasper? Why does… no. No, no, no, no, no. These two parts of my life aren't supposed to mix ever. I don't want Bella to know. I don't want her to talk about it.
I shake my head. "You don't know what you're talking about."
She reaches an arm out for me but I take another step back. I just keep shaking my head. This shouldn't be happening and it definitely shouldn't be happening here.
"It's not your fault," she repeats. "And if something happened to me, if I was stupid enough to make my mistake again, that wouldn't be your fault either."
"Bella." My voice comes out in a gruff angry tone that I don't recognize. I shake my head more. "You don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I think you should leave."
She doesn't move though, she just steps closer. And I realize now that everyone is looking at us. "You don't want me to know, but I know. I know and I don't think any less of you. It doesn't change the way I feel about you."
She reaches out for me again but this time I wrap my hand around her wrist and tug. "Come with me."
We walk quickly to the conference room and I pull her inside before slamming the door shut.
"You can't fucking come here," I begin and start pacing back and forth with my hands tangled in my hair. "This is where I work, Bella. This is my job. You can't come here and talk about shit that you don't know the first fucking thing about in front of my coworkers."
Her eyes narrow at me now. "Where the hell do you want me to go, then? You're not at home and you ignore my calls. You left me no choice."
"Maybe," I begin slowly and my voice is dangerously low, "I didn't answer my phone for a fucking reason."
And I acknowledge that this is me trying to piss her off enough so that she'll leave and never ask me about this again. But I can't stop myself.
"I didn't say there wasn't a reason," she snaps back, obviously not deterred by my attitude, which I need to work on apparently. "You wanted to know why I came here to have this little chat. And now you know. I'm not leaving until you get this through your thick skull. It. Wasn't. Your. Fault."
I slap my palm hard against the wall. "God damn it, Bella. You don't know what you're talking about."
She reaches into her bag and pulls out a bunch of papers before she slams them down on the table in front of me. "He swerved to miss a deer, love." Her voice is soft now but I can't look at her. The top page is the headline from the newspaper article that announced his death.
"You can't be blamed for that any more than you can be blamed for global warming."
I shake my head and swipe the papers off of the table and onto the floor. "You can't understand, Bella."
"So tell me, then. Help me understand." She crosses her arms over her chest and stares at me expectantly.
"If I wanted to tell you, don't you think I would have by now?"
"Fair enough. You don't want to tell me. I kind of guessed that. So that's where you hit a wall because I'm not leaving till you do."
She walks towards me slowly until she's only inches away and I can smell the coconuts and feel her heat. And I just want this to stop. I want to wrap my arms around her and hold on until all of this is gone.
"It was raining and Jasper tried to avoid the deer. It was an accident and everyone else seems to know this. The police, the newspaper, your mother, but not you. Why?"
"Bella, please," I whisper. "Please just… just don't."
"I have to. Someone has to."
And then she swings her arm out just slightly and grasps my hand in hers. She squeezes my limp fingers until I respond. And when I respond I squeeze hers back hard.
"It's too hard." I shake my head. "Please understand. It's too hard."
"I'm okay with hard. I'm good with hard. Hard and I have recently become acquainted, and while it may hurt like hell, it gets amazing results."
"He would've never been there," I whisper after a few minutes of silence. "He was gonna stay home with Alice. He wanted to stay with her because she was due any day. I forced him to come to the show. He would've never been there if it weren't for me. He would've never had to avoid any deer if it weren't for me."
She bites her lip and then I look down at our hands because I can't see the pity in her eyes. "He wouldn't have done anything unless he wanted to," she says and squeezes my hand. "He wouldn't have come if he didn't want to."
I shake my head. "You're wrong. This is why nobody understands. He came because of me. Because I guilted him into it."
"Did he do a lot of things he didn't want to? If you harped him enough, would he have cut off his left hand?"
I shake my head. "You don't fucking get it, Bella. Stop making stupid, irrational analogies."
"I don't get it because you won't tell me," she snaps and steps closer until her face is close enough to lean forward and kiss. "You won't answer any questions just keep telling me I'm wrong. Fine. I'm wrong. You killed your best friend. Is that what you want to hear?"
She steps even closer and I have to take a step back. "I could keep going. You want more lies? I think bananas are fucking amazing and I don't love you." She jabs my shoulder with her free hand. "Did you hear me, Edward? I don't fucking love you."
I shake my head and feel the tears stinging my eyes. Because there are the words that I've been waiting to hear for days and they're coming at the worst fucking time.
"What do you want me to tell you?" My voice breaks on the question. "That there's a little girl that never got to meet her dad because I wanted some fucking record executive to hear our little band play one fucking song? Do you want me to tell you that I hate myself every fucking day of my life? That I can't look at that kid without wanting to cry because she has the same fucking eyes as he does? Well, there you go. Because we can stand here and talk about deer and rain and swerving and chance and destiny all we fucking want. But when it comes down to it, it's my fault that that little girl doesn't have a dad. It's my fault that Alice is a single mother. It's all on me."
I don't realize that I'm crying until she wipes the moisture from my cheeks before tangling her fingers in my hair and pulling my head closer so that she can rest her forehead against mine. She breathes out a heavy sigh and I close my eyes, desperate for the closeness.
"Even if I think that's the biggest load of shit ever, yes. That's what I want to hear. I want you to tell me everything."
I wrap my arms around her waist and pull her close to me. Our heads stay pressed together. "No one is actually He-man, Edward. You couldn't have stopped that from happening any more than you could have caused it."
I squeeze her tightly to me and drop my head down to bury my face in her throat. I'm dripping tears all over her coconut skin but she doesn't seem to mind.
"I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself," I whisper. "I try and I let go for a while. And then I see Skye and it just… it hurts all over again. Just knowing that if I hadn't been so insistent, you know?"
"It'll never be okay that that little girl doesn't have a father. But it isn't okay for someone else in her life to be a shell because of it. Be who you are, Edward. Be who Jasper wanted to go out in the rain for," she whispers and her words come out in a plea and her tears mix with my own.
She kisses the top of my head and I just tighten my already tight hold on her. I want her as close as possible. I just need to feel her everywhere right now. My breathing is ragged and coming in small spurts that I can't quite control.
"I want to try," I finally manage to whisper. "I don't know if I can but I want to try." Because I do. I want to try for me and for Bella and for Skye and Alice.
"You sure?" She pulls away even though I try to hold her against me and looks at my face. "Because you've made me into this love sick stalker and if you let me, I might never leave."
I cup her face in my hands and wipe the stray tears away with my thumbs. "You love me, Bella?"
She takes several deep breaths and slides her eyes shut. I stare at her, heart pounding wildly in my chest, but I don't move away. After a minute she opens them back up and meets mine.
"I love you," she says with a slight nod.
I feel a watery smile cross my face before I lean in closer to her and press my lips firmly against hers. And everything falls back into place as her fingers wind up in my hair and her body presses against mine. "I love you," I whisper in between kisses. "Do you wanna get out of here?"
"Please."
I nod and crouch down to pick the discarded papers up off the floor. I hand them back to Bella who tucks them safely into her bag. We walk out hand in hand and I'm pretty sure everyone pretends that they weren't staring through the window the whole time. But I don't care. I squeeze Bella's hand and pull her to my desk so that I can get my stuff.
"My place?" I ask and she nods. "Good. Not that I don't love Emmett but, yeah…"
I start tugging her towards the exit.
"Edward."
I pause and we both turn around to look at Kara who has her hands crossed over her chest. "Where do you think you're going?"
"Home. Not really feeling well," I say with a shrug and Bella snorts.
"Edward, if you leave right now, don't expect to come back."
I look at Bella and then back at Kara and feel the grin stretch across my face. "Fuck off, Kara."
She gapes and other people start whispering. I just laugh and turn around with Bella's hand in mine. I stop at Violet's desk and lean over it. "Expect a phone call soon, okay?" I ask.
She laughs and blows us both kisses. "Be good. Or, well, don't."
***
A/N So a couple of things we want to get out of the way....
1. We haven't put the appropriate disclaimer at every chapter giving proper appreciation for S. Meyers and her amazing characters. I recently added something to the description, forgive us?
2. Bella is on the pill and will forever be on the pill as far as this story goes. There needs to be no worry about an unexpected tiny b or e popping out
I think that covers the major issues. We try to answer all questions, but be patient with us :)
Hit that little green button....you know you want to....