disclaimer- we don't own....even if we'd sell out souls to...

a/n- again AMAZING reviews. we can't praise you all enough. we love each one, name it and keep it warm. so keep them coming! we're getting better at replying too. props to off-the-deep-end our beyond fantastic beta!

***

"I swear on everything Chai if you don't stop tapping that fucking pen I will shove it through your balls," I yell. Jake drops said pen to the ground and scrambles for the bathroom. I feel only mildly bad because he was tapping out some horrid hip hop song and it was going to make my head explode. Or something slightly less dramatic.

I let my head fall onto my desk and groan. I hate being angry. I've never known what to do with my anger. My mother signed me up for karate when I was younger, but I only ended up giving my instructor black eye; so my best case solution has always been to just avoid anger. And I've become a pro at it.

Like when I think I may be approaching anger I just walk away and head towards something that is the anti anger. Like puppies, or bubble gum ice cream, or slippers. But once the anger has set it….nothing will ebb it. Not even penguins and that's saying a lot.

But there are simple rules in my life. Things you just can't do. You can't wear jeans more then three days in a row. You can't leave less than two swallows in the milk jug and you can never, ever leave angry. It's not fair to the other person.

Jake eases out of the bathroom and actually tiptoes by me. I grit my teeth and sigh. Stupid Edward. Stupid Edward and his ability to turn me completely inside out. He mixed all my words up and shoved them all back at me all wrong and not the way I meant.

I was just trying to establish that we were at that point. That we were finally ready to put everything behind us and move forward. And I'm sorry if I need an actual vocal confirmation, but he's so damn cryptic sometimes and I know he bottles things up.

"How much longer are you going to subject us to your wrath Iz?" Angela calls over to me. I glare over where she is smugly smiling at me. Damn her and being able to read me like a book.

"You can't just toss me out of my own office, Ang. I'm trying to get things done. It's not my fault Jake doesn't know what decent music is," I whip back. The words leave my mouth and I know I have all the control and restraint of a 10 year old. Stupid pencil neck with his damn pushing, and bottling up and insistent lips.

"I'm pretty sure that Jake is afraid to walk by you to leave and while I think your pitiful anger is generally entertaining I don't really want to deal with it today," she replies coolly. I chuck my highlighter at her and miss by a mile which just makes her and Jake laugh. I resist throwing my entire pencil cup at them.

I glance at my cell phone again and glare at the tiny screen. Now he decides to show restraint? My fingers itch to touch it and I give in flipping open the screen and scrolling down to his name. My finger hovers over the send button before I toss it down on the desk.

He's the one who misunderstood me. He heard what he wanted. Hell, he acted like I wasn't a willing participant in the re-engagement of our physical relationship. I just wanted to start on level ground. Everything is new and hard and foreign and the last thing I wanted to worry about was being pulled back to this shit stage.

I storm over to the fridge and jerk it open. I scan the contents and feel the anger brimming when I don't see the familiar bottle. I slam the door and turn back to face the office. Angela is still watching me amused and Jake is cowering near his tiny desk.

"Who the hell drank my green tea?" I demand. I try to look scary, but that seems to push Angela over the edge. She literally falls out of her chair. That starts Jake and then I'm the only one not on the ground laughing.

"Iz, you ass. You drank it about an hour ago," Angela hisses between laughs. I glance over at my trash can and see the familiar bottle peaking from the top. My laughter starts up and I sink to the floor with the weight of it. Soon the tears follow and then I don't know if I am crying because I'm laughing or crying because I am fucking failing in my first real relationship.

I don't know how long it lasts before Angela is sitting next to me. I look at her through bleary eyes and try to start the laughing again, but it doesn't work.

It's been three days since he left on errands and I haven't seen or heard anything since. Not that I've called or tried to find him, but I thought he would have come to me by now. I get that I should just suck it up, but sucking it up would involve words and apparently Edward and I need a translator to communicate.

"I don't want to sound unsupportive Iz, but if you two can't get your shit together than I am going to seriously suggest you just end it," she sighs. I bite my lip and try not to sob when she says this.

"I swear I will someday be the adult you knew, Ang," I hiccup. She laughs and nudges my shoulder. There has to be a way to just make him understand what I was trying to say; what I meant to say.

"You obviously love the kid, shiny shoes aside, so what have you done to fix it?" she presses. I open my mouth, but there isn't anything to say. I thought about calling him a couple of hundred times and I whined to Emmett last night.

"I feel like I am choking on my tongue when I talk to him. Everything I want to say flies out the room and I end up basically telling to shove off," I sigh. She laughs and I glare at her. She holds up a hand and wipes a stray tear from her cheek. Seriously Ang?

"You do know that you make little to no sense most of the time? I don't think that's the problem. You're all out of sorts with him so just be honest and fuck, use some of your assets to make him listen if you have to," she suggests. And then I find my laugh. I think about shoving Edward's head between my boobs and then apologizing and the whole idea seems fucking fantastic.

"Let's get out of here so you can try to make rational conversation with your tamed geek," she says. She pushes herself from the floor and kicks my shoe as a signal for me to follow suit. I grunt as I stand and wrap my arms around her.

"You're a kick ass friend, Ang. You know that right?" I say. She shakes her head and squirms from my grasp.

"Like I didn't know I was kick ass? Please Iz," she teases, but she knows I mean that shit. We stumble to the door and I almost forget about my inability to actually speak to Edward. By the time we are outside I'm stuck. I wave Angela off as she heads to her place, or to pretend she's not headed to mine to see Emmett. Who knows what she sees in him.

I amble along, content to let the crowd guide me. Maybe I'll just write out a fucking script and hand it to him like a deaf/mute. My phone buzzes from the bottom of my purse and I sink to the ground and dig my hand through the large space fishing for my phone. I pull out a tin of mints and a pack of matches before I find it.

My bangs are all in my eyes and it takes me several seconds to clear them out of the way so I can actually see my phone. The message there transfixes me.

'Meet me at the 39th St. ferry at 5:30. Dress warmly.'

A ferry? Please Lord no. Boats and I have this agreement. I stay far, far away from them and in turn I don't ever have to be on one. Works amazingly. So the thought of mixing my irrational fear of open water and my fumbling tongue seems like disaster. But this is what it's about right? Doing shit you don't want to do for another person? I can do this.

I have to clear the message to check the time. I should really get my watch fixed. I have 45 minutes and it will be cutting it close. I gather up the mess that is my life in a handbag and press my way against the crowd to the subway.

I squeeze between the doors as they slide closed and my leg twitches as the subway rocks down the tracks. I almost ask the teenager next to me to pretend to be Edward so I can practice not having word vomit, but he glares at me through three brow piercings. Maybe not.

The knot in the bottom of my gut only grows as we get closer. I push it aside and think of better things, like not having cold feet in the middle of the night and the best tuna sandwich I've ever had. Those thoughts buzz me enough to get me there. It'll be fine.

***

I've always done my best thinking by the water. It can be any body of water, excluding a puddle, and everything in my head clears up and I can think like the rational person I pretend to be. If it's cold it's just an added bonus. Besides, the cold weather masks the questionable odors coming out of the Hudson fairly well.

I hope she shows up. I acted like a five year old having a temper tantrum. This seems to be my new thing—acting like a child, that is. She seems to bring out every immature, irrational thing inside of me. It's not a bad thing, honestly, but she forces me to be honest with her and with myself and it's something that I really haven't done in such a long time that sometimes things get out of hand.

And it wasn't about the sex. I don't care if she doesn't want to have sex with me right now. It probably came off that way but that wasn't it at all.

Well, maybe it was just a little. But I haven't had any sort of release in weeks and that shit hurts. I get irrational when my balls hurt.

I check my watch for the fifteenth time in five minutes. It's five to five.

It's such a difficult, fragile balance—a relationship like this; especially between two people who just suck at communicating with each other. But I left this time and I think it's only fitting that I be the one to come back and at least try to fix it. Because I want to fix it. Because I love her and I want a shot at making this work for us.

I look up and scan the crowd and finally. There she is in a black coat with a multicolored scarf wound around her neck and her arms wrapped around her waist. I wait until her eyes find me and then we just stand there, fifteen feet and broken words in between us, and stare.

We both start walking simultaneously and meet halfway. Too bad we're not as good at that with everything else.

"You came," I say lamely and take the bag off of her shoulder because it looks heavy and she looks tired.

"You thought I wouldn't?" she asks. "Now who doesn't trust who, Love?"

I guess I deserve that. "You didn't answer my text," I say with a shrug. "Couldn't be sure."

I put my hand on her lower back and guide her towards the entrance for the boat. Once we're on and have secured ourselves a spot, I turn towards her. "I think since I asked you here I should be the first to speak, if that's okay."

"Knock yourself out."

I frown because she doesn't look like she cares. She looks… defeated almost. Her eyes are sad and a little red and her shoulders are slumped.

"First of all, I want to make sure that you know that I didn't get mad because you didn't want to… what'd you say? Ride my junk?" I try to probe a smile out of her but it doesn't really work. "Well, yeah, it wasn't because of that."

"Come stand next to me and watch the sunset," I tell her and tug on her arm until her shoulder is touching mine. "I got mad because I feel like you doubt everything that's right in front of you. You doubt yourself, you doubt me, you doubt your friends. And I don't think you do it on purpose, but first of all, it's infuriating when you do it to yourself. Because you don't see half of what everyone else sees when they look at you.

"And secondly, because when you doubt me it hurts. You doubted me and you acted like I had no idea what I wanted. Like I was some idiot kid who just wanted to get off, you know? Because yeah, of course I fucking missed you while you were gone. But you have to know that I wouldn't let that take precedence over everything. You have to trust me, Bella."

She sighs and leans against the railing before jerking back. Her eyes widen and she almost looks afraid. I put my arm tentatively around her shoulders and when she doesn't pull away, I pull her into my side.

"And I'm sorry for overreacting and being a dick about all of it but I was just so frustrated. Because I just… I don't know. I don't want you to doubt me."

"Everything I was trying to say came out wrong and I didn't doubt. Hell, if anyone was thinking with their lower regions it was probably me. I just wanted to make sure everything was out and said and done. I just needed you to SAY it. I already knew, I think."

She buries her face in my side and slips one of her hands in my pocket. "Just don't change your mind," she says into my chest. "I'll be sure like a compass if you need me to."

I laugh and pull her over so that her back is to my chest. I wrap my jacket and my arms around her because she's obviously freezing and put my legs on either side of her. "You'll be sure like a compass?" I whisper into her ear.

"You know. Always on point… never wrong. Ugh, you make my tongue go crazy."

"Bella," I say and laugh again. "Don't say things like that in public places."

I tighten my arms around her. I like this, being able to hold her. It feels almost like I can protect her.

"Can you just do one thing for me?" She turns around to face me and wraps her arms around my waist, under my jacket.

"What's that?"

"Just don't leave when you're angry. Even if you don't want to talk and you just glare at me from across the room. Don't leave."

I nod. "I'm sorry for doing that," I tell her and rub my cheek against hers because it's bright red. "I got you a present, by the way. It was just in case my words weren't enough to get you back."

She pulls away and shakes her head at me. "No presents, Love."

I just grin at her. "No stupid rules about no presents. We love presents. Especially this one." I crouch down and pick the bag up off the floor to hand it to her. "Open it."

She stares at it suspiciously for a second and then takes it and peeks inside. When she looks back up at me, her eyes are watery. For a second I wonder what I did wrong but then she starts smile and launches herself at me. She presses her lips to mine almost roughly but shit, I'm not gonna complain.

She pulls away and her smile is so large that I can't help but mirror it. "That is probably the best fucking present ever. How did you know?"

I just wink at her and place a quick kiss on her lips. "I know everything."

***

I'm a little bit transfixed by Edward in this moment. I watch as he maneuvers around his kitchen, attempting to create a meal out of the nonperishables he found in his fridge. There is a small part of me that feels like I should tell him that giving me that record has officially made me his bitch. In the best, non-demeaning to woman way. I can't even be bothered that I know I have some lovesick puppy look on my face. I'm going to revel in this 'in love' shit.

My eyes snap back into focus as he begins to open and simultaneously slam shut drawers. His lips are pursed in what I can only assume is thinly veiled frustration, but even that look endears him to me at the moment. Damn I am a sap.

I make my way around the island and hop up on the counter just to his right. He pauses in his search to give me a small smile. The ingredients strewn across the counter are not promising. Somehow ketchup, grape jelly and chili just don't sound appetizing. I hook my foot around his hip and pull him closer to me.

"You know they have this amazing idea called take out," I offer. Not that I don't want him to cook for me. The man has a talent with tuna that is beyond compare, but this effort is looking dodgy at best. He pouts and I laugh because he looks fucking ridiculous.

"But I wanted to cook for you," he presses. I put my hands on either side of his face and press my lips firmly to his. I take in his bottom lip and nibble softly. He opens his mouth and I smirk. Exactly what I wanted. I slip my tongue in and spend several minutes slowly savoring his mouth.

I kiss him to the point that I think I may know his teeth better than mine and then I pull away slowly and rest my forehead against his. His eyes are still closed and his breathing is quick and heavy. I smirk again.

"You can cook for me another time, Love. When you have actual food and not the reject contents of your fridge," I offer. His eyes dart over towards the jars and bottles on the counter and he cringes. That's right; no one was going to benefit from that mess.

"Fine, fine. You get to choose where we order from though," he agrees. My mind reels with the possibilities. From the simple Chinese and pizza to more adventurous options. Suddenly eating Thai or Indian with Edward seems like foreplay. And that's how you know it's been too long. He pulls away and it's my turn to pout. He chuckles and slaps at my attempts to pull him back. I watch as he turns the corner and disappears from my sight. I collapse back onto the counter and sigh heavily.

The day is catching up with me. My body and mind are exhausted from the anger and love and other shit that I was bombarded by today. I lift my hands to cover my face and let my eyes slip closed. The biggest battle was won. We're here together. Now the tricky part is staying that way.

But it can be done. I am determined. I am not going to be doing any more fucking up. At least not knowingly. I hear him re-enter the room and I sit up begrudgingly. He tosses me his phone and I turn it over in my hands a couple of times. The options swim in my mind again; foreplay it is.

I flip the phone open and just as my thumb is posed over the first number it vibrates and some god awful manufacturer ringtone scares the shit out of me. I yelp as the whole process knocks the phone from my unsteady head. I wince and clench my eyes shut as I prepare for it to hit the ground. Instead I hear a chuckle.

I open my eyes just in time to see Edward raise an eyebrow at me before pressing a button and pulling the phone to his ear.

"Hey Mom," he answers. He leans back between my legs and I warp my arms around his waist and rest my head on his shoulder. His mother's voice sounds like a far away hum. I tilt my head to the side and blow a little on his neck. He pulls his head away and gives me a glare. I grin back.

"Yeah, no, things are good," his response comes out as a short sigh. He relaxes again against me and I wonder what it would be like if my mother asked about me when she called. That's one time I don't mind her lack of concern for me.

"No, I haven't looked for a new job yet," he groans. I had almost forgotten about that. Not that I mind at all. Maybe he'll go grunge and grow a beard and remember how to play his guitar. Amazing little fantasy playing out in my mind…

"I know," he replies. I can feel his body tense and I let my hands run over his stomach. He squirms a little under my touch and I giggle remembering that he's ticklish. Wanting nothing more to shield him from anything I could, I pluck the phone from his hand without much thought.

"Esme?" I say into the phone. She stops mid sentence and suddenly this doesn't seem like the best idea. What's that saying about getting between a mama lion and her baby?

"Bella?" she asks and I do a little inner happy dance that she remembers my name. That has to count for something, right? Edward pulls away from my grasp and leans across from me a confused look on his face. I should probably tell him that Mama Cullen and I go way back.

"Um, how are you doing?" I ask because I don't know what else to say. All other thoughts running through my mind have to do with using her son as a plate for dinner. Probably not the best line of conversation.

"I'm fine dear. How are you?" she answers politely. I pick at the loose thread at the hem of my shirt.

"Peaches and cream. Just trying to decide what to order for dinner." When all else fails honesty is always a good idea. I lift my eyes to meet Edward's and he gives me a hesitant smile. Poor kid thinks this is torture for me. Maybe he knows me better than I give him credit for.

"Ahh the life before your calories really catch up with you," Esme sighs. I laugh and swing my feet, hitting the cupboards. Edward catches one of my feet on a back swing and I struggle against his hold. Then that evil gleam winks at me from his eye and I know I'm screwed.

"Well it was either order out or try to choke down what your son was going to feed me," I say it mostly for Edward's benefit, but Esme laughs none the less and I feel proud. I am so winning her over.

"He's always thought he was a fantastic cook. So when are you two going to come down here and let me cook for you?" I almost drop the phone. The combination of Mama Cullen asking that question and Edward inching his hands up my leg prove to be almost lethal.

I plead with Edward with my eyes for help but he just smirks and keeps his damn hands on their mission to drive me slowly insane.

"Um, I'm not sure. You'd have to talk to Edward about that," I beg out of the question. She scoffs and I swallow hard as fingers graze my inner thigh. Evil, evil man.

"If things were left up to Edward you two would have four children and a house in Jersey before we meet." That does it. I choke on my own spit. I'm sure it looks appealing and sexy and I gasp for breath and turn red in the face. Edward is instantly next to me rubbing my back.

He coos softly and I take deep shaking breaths. Kids?

"You ok, honey?" Esme's voice breaks into my panic attack. I put the phone back to my ear.

"Yeah sorry. Went down the wrong pipe," I offer. Edward chuckles next to me and hands me a glass of water.

"So Sunday night you two will come for dinner. Don't worry about bringing anything but my son," Esme orders. I nod mutely. Edward did not inherit his mother's assertiveness.

"Sounds great," I lie. She chirps a goodbye and I pull the phone away from my face and just stare at it. Edward pries it gently from my hand and sets it on the counter next to me.

"So, how do you know my mom?" he asks. His hands are firmly on my thighs and I try to think about the best way to say this.

"Oh you know, we both like bread so…." I trail off. Good Lord that sounded lame. I grimace just in the memory of it. I peak up at Edward to see him smirking down at me. Guessing he didn't buy that.

"The last I heard mom's not eating carbs til Christmas," he quips, crossing his arms over his chest. My thighs feel instantly cold. I pout a little and mimic his posture.

"I should probably let you know that your mother just ordered us to dinner Sunday night. Should I be worried?" I ask. I really want to know. Edward NEVER talks about his family. I don't even know where home is. I am a shitty girlfriend.

"What would you have to be worried about? You already know my mom and she runs shit," he teases. His arms uncross and he places his hands on my back. I lean into the touch willingly.

"If you were meeting my mother I would be shitting bricks. I don't know. Meeting the family is a big deal right? I've never met anyone's family before," I ramble. He chuckles a little and begins moving his hands up and down my back. This feels like a big deal. The kind of event that precedes matching coffee cups, rings and….I can't formulate a thought past that point.

"Nothing to be afraid of. My dad collects shit that he orders from late night infomercials and my mom will love you," he whispers next to my ear. I let his words do their magic and I slump my weight into him. My head falls naturally into the crook of his neck and I reach my tongue out to lick the skin there. A small shiver shakes his body and I repeat the action, attaching my lips to the hollow of his throat.

His hands delve under my shirt and continue their path on my bareback. I keep sucking until I am sure I am about to leave a mark and then I set a path upwards. His hands press me firmly into him and I chuckle when his fingers reach under the clasp of my bra and pop it open.

I pull away from him and cock an eyebrow at him. He shrugs before pulling his hands around to my stomach and then up and under my slackened bra. I gasp as his warm hands cup me firmly. I bite my lip and sigh.

"If I had known your talking to your mother was an aphrodisiac I would have called her days ago," I tease. He looks up at me and I worry that he might stop, but then his mouth goes to my ear and I lose all thought.

"Bella, my mom has nothing to do with why I want you right now," he whispers in my ear. Mother of all things holy. I shove at his chest lightly and his lower lip protrudes instantly. I chuckle as I pull my shirt and bra off. Damn fabric was in the way. The pout disappears instantly as his lips replace his hands on my chest.

If my eyes could take up permanent residence in the back on my head they would. I lace one hand through his hair holding him to me and let the other wander down his chest. My hand reaches the waist of his jeans, but he picks that moment to bite lightly and my hand drops limply from its target. Dirty player.

His mouth starts to move upwards and my mind clears minutely. I reattach my hand to the band of his jeans and pull at the buttons. Who the hell wears button flys anymore? They invented zippers for a reason.

I finally get enough buttons open just enough to shove his pants down with my feet. My hands then start at the base of his shirt. There needs to be fewer clothes now. Fuck the feel of cotton. He releases the skin of my neck to pull his shirt over his head and I sigh happily. Finally. I press my chest to his and hiss at the sensation.

My mouth seeks his and in that moment I am sure that this is going to work. I can overcome anything to chase this feeling. I wrap my arms and legs around him and he chuckles at my grip.

"I think you should walk around in just your boxer briefs at all time," I sigh as I pull away from his mouth for a moment. He chuckles before resting his hands on my hips and dipping his thumbs inside the rim of my boy shorts. I scoot forward to press more firmly against him.

He pulls them off me and my ass meets the cool granite and I hiss and pull myself off the counter into his arms.

"Shit Love. I'm sorry if counter sex was a fantasy, but there is no way in hell I am putting my naked self back down on that." He moves his arms around me to support my weight and walks us away from the island. He sets me down on the table and smirks down at me.

"My table sex fantasy is next on the list," he growls. The table isn't warm, but there is no way I am going to wait any longer. I grip the top of his boxer briefs and shove them down and take him in my hand. I smile briefly as he groans, but he smashes his mouth to mine, swallowing my smile. I let his tongue fuck my mouth as I stroke him slowly.

When his fingers tease my slit I gasp around his tongue. He breaks from me to smile before slipping two fingers inside me. I should be embarrassed at how ready I am for him, how wet I am, but it feels too damn good to worry about anything.

"Enough of that," I insist. I push his hands away and smile when he groans at the loss of contact. I pull him closer using my hand to guide him to me. I remove my hands and wrap my legs around his waist, pushing him into me slightly. We both groan and my head falls forward onto his shoulder.

"Jesus Bella. I almost forgot," he hisses as he lets his hips do the rest of the work, completely losing himself inside of me. I bare my teeth and let them scrape along his shoulder.

"How fucking good you feel," he finishes. I nod my agreement against his shoulder. He eases out before slamming back into me and I am not ashamed when his name falls from my lips. He continues to slide in and out of me and I lift my head to watch his face.

I take his lips in mine and suck his tongue in my mouth. I kiss him hard robbing both of us of our breaths. I feel my stomach begin to clench and I clench myself around him.

"Good lord love, you make me feel so," I can't even finish the statement as white explodes behind my eyes. I grip him tighter and as I come down from my release I feel him spill into me. His head rests on my chest and he shudders through his climax. His heavy weight presses against me and I lean back on the table, too tired to take it.

I feel his arms snake around me and I let him pick me up and carry me to the couch. Can't really do much of anything on the table. He sets me down before pressing himself next to me. I throw a leg over him and my nose along his jaw line.

"We are no longer allowed to go that long without sex," I inform him. He chuckles throatily. His hands trail down my sides and pull me impossibly closer to him.

"I will have no problem obeying that rule," he replies. I shove my fingers into his hair and sigh. This is it. There is no fear, no impulse to run in this moment. And that's how I know that it's real.

***

a/n another one i know..... i wanted to pimp out a couple stories...

Emperors of Washington by gallantcorkscrews- this one is different be warned. but its fresh and you'll find yourself routing for a killer. yeah, its like that :)

Elemental by tallulahbelle- a different spin on e/b being destined for one another. amazing plot.

and just to remind you....reviews welcome!