A/N It's been a long time and there aren't words to say how sorry I am about that. The reviews continue to give me more pride than a soccer mom with an honor student bumper sticker. Can't say enough about them. Welcome to all the new readers who have never actually seen this story updated...thanks for holding on.
A VERY VERY special thanks to sah0004 without whom this chapter would have probably never seen the light of day. And if it had it would have been with significantly more spelling mistakes, and less commas lol
***
It's amazing how you can do something a thousand times, more times than you can count and then all of a sudden it seems new, different. I glance over at Bella in the passenger seat and watch as she absorbs the scenery. If you can even call it scenery. Really, it's a blur of trees and billboards, but she's transfixed nonetheless. Every so often she glances over and throws me a mind-numbing smile.
I turn my eyes back to the road and swallow thickly. This is an important step, and I want this. The words are repeated in my mind because as much as I want to move forward with the woman sitting next to me, this about so much more than going home for Sunday dinner.
Sunday dinners at my parents are a tradition. Its one of the only things that Alice will leave Montauk for. There's always roast, wine, and the same guests, guests including Jasper's parents. After the accident, these dinners became scarce. I was the first deserter, followed quickly by Alice. Now I think my mother plans them and then acts unaffected when we make out excuses.
The music in the car is suddenly blaring and I shake off my thoughts to watch Bella as she sings loudly, and horribly along to an 80's ballad. Her eyes are closed, her head leaning back against the seat. Moments like this make me think that we can overcome all of our mutual shit. When she's completely at ease with me, when she doesn't hesitate to show me every part of her.
It's my turn now. She's giving up all her fears and insecurities, for me. Well for her, but because she wants me. The feeling is a little overwhelming, but hell if it doesn't make me want to do the same. So I'm going home, to face a room full of people that when combined scare the living shit out of me. Because I'm going to be worthy of her. I'm going to match her efforts.
"You know, it would make me feel a lot less insecure if you could sing along," Bella chirps at me. She's curled up in the seat, her entire body facing me. The smile on her face is hesitant, like she knows the thoughts running through my mind. I sigh, releasing my fears for a moment and smile.
"If I sing, I won't be able to appreciate you butchering Total Eclipse of the Heart," I tease. Her mouth falls open in mock horror before her smiling eyes betray her. God, she owns me. And that's why I know I can do this. Because I want to be owned, by her. Like the teddy bear she keeps under her bed, that she doesn't think I know about.
"Well this isn't a free show Love, you gotta pay for entertainment like this," she quips. I laugh and savor the sensation. My hand reaches blindly across the center console looking for hers and I calm even more as she twines her fingers with mine.
"And what do you want for payment?" I ask. I wag my eyebrows for effect and her laughter bounces of the interior of the car. Her hand stays in mine as she slows her laughter and then leans towards me.
"I don't think you can pay me properly while driving Love," she whispers against my cheek before dragging her lips down to mine for a brief kiss. My lips pucker and stay that way after she pulls away. I groan and allow my eyes to close briefly.
"That is not playing nice," I hiss playfully. My cock strains against the zipper of my jeans and I pull my hand reluctantly from her grip to try and adjust myself. She laughs again and I throw her a mock glare. She grins back at me like an obnoxious child, and shit if I don't love that smile as well.
"I'll make it up to you later," she sighs as she curls back up in the passenger seat. Her hand seeks out mine this time and the silence blankets us.
There were moments where I never thought this future would be possible. Days while she was running from me, or I guess facing her demons, that I was sure I would never feel this calm again. That I would never want to crawl out of my carefully placed façade. That's what my life had become. A fucking façade. Something I created to make myself feel far away from the person I was. The person I blamed for Jasper.
I was close too, so close to disappearing beneath it. The people who had tried to pull me out, I pushed away. And Hannah, she was happy to watch me drown. The façade was all she knew. The person she had met and fostered a relationship with. How shitty is that?
And now, now the façade is all but gone. Cracked and chipped away by purple toenails and sour patch kids. It's like I can move, stretch for the first time in years. There are parts of this that are scary as hell, but I'm hoping it'll be worth it. I know it will be worth it.
"So do you think your mom will bring out the naked baby pictures right away, or will I have to worm my way in before they're offered?" Bella muses. I roll my eyes and try to act like she's ridiculous, but really I hope my mom will be so excited about the revival of Sunday night dinners that she won't have time to pull out the pictures. I may have gone through a nudist streak at age three.
"If you want to see me naked all you have to do is ask," I offer. She licks her lips slowly and the temperature in the car goes up about ten degrees. I should feel self conscious about the way she can switch me on and off, but I fucking love it. Suddenly she's leaning across the console again and I wish we were on our way home instead of the opposite direction.
She breathes against my ear before taking my ear lobe into her mouth. She sucks and bites lightly and it's all I can do to keep the car on the fucking road. This means road head is out of the question. Damn.
Slowly her lips work their way down from my ear to the crook of my neck and I lean my head away from her giving her more room to work with. Usually when we're together I take over, anxious to have my way with her, but there's something about being under her control that we're going to have to explore more fully later, with less clothes.
It's over before it ever really begins, but her hand cups the back of her neck and her lips stay near my ear.
"That was just the beginning. We just have to get through tonight and then we'll finish that," she whispers. She knows. And that's just another reason I know this is real. I thought I was hiding my anxiety, but she knows. And for some reason that makes me feel like I can do anything. Even this.
***
I'm not sure what I was expecting of Edward's childhood home. Knowing that mine was far from normal. I mean how many parents don't allow toys outside of the child's bedroom so they can hide the fact that they even have a child?
The house is perfect. Perfect in the amount of unkempt yard, the less than pristine cars and even more for the love I can already feel. We pull up, and a small woman rushes from the door. She has my door open and has pulled me into her arms before I can even get a good look at her face.
Her arms are twisted around my body, her face buried in my hair and I want to cry. Mostly because I've never gotten this reception from my own mother. I suck back the emotions. No more of that. The pity and sorrow have to go. I need more room for newer, more pleasant emotions, like love. I lift my eyes to see Edward smiling at me from over his mother's head and the love surges into the newly vacated places.
"You do realize that I am your child right?" he quips. Esme lets out an enthusiastic cry and launches herself at him instead. Her sudden attack rushes the air from his lungs, but he laughs and accepts her easily. I wrap my arms around myself missing the contact already. Give me a little and I become an instant addict.
"Mom, seriously, if you can't detach yourself we're never coming inside," Edward teases. She swats at his arm as she pulls herself away. She turns to face me and I immediately take to the task of placing the features she passes onto Edward. The hue of his hair, the pout of his lips.
"It's so nice to finally place a face with the voice. And look at you, beautiful," she gushes and my face heats up instantly. My head drops instinctively and I shake off her compliment. Her hands reach for my face, brining my gaze back to hers.
"It's really nice to meet the woman who created my newest necessity," I blurt and immediately wish I could hold back the verbal vomit for the rest of the night. Edward huffs out a laugh and his mother continues to just smile at me.
"I'm glad to be of service, but let's get you two inside. Even though he won't admit it, Carlisle is chomping at the bit to meet you. I couldn't pull him away from QVC," she rambles. She takes one of my hands and one of Edward's and drags us towards the house. Edward immediately links our free hands and I feel more in place instantly.
We struggle to enter the house at the same time and squeeze through after a little effort. Instantly I'm enveloped by warmth and just the feeling of home. If I were more of a culinary genius, I'd be able to identify the fantastic smells coming from the kitchen, but I'm nothing close to a domestic goddess. Edward pulls me into his side and presses his lips firmly to my hair. I melt a little into him.
The living room is covered in pictures. Various stages of Edward's life displayed proudly before me and I pull away to take it all in like a mini slide show. My fingers take on a life of their own, tracing his features as they age. And I love him just a little bit more for going through an obviously awkward stage in middle school, and sporting braces well into high school.
"You have no idea how many times I tried to burn my seventh grade picture," Edward whispers into my ear. I chuckle and turn to press my lips swiftly to his. With all the excitement I almost forgot who this trip was really about. Pushing all my insecurities down, I pull him to me and hope that I can tell him with my closeness that I'm damn proud of him.
"I'm glad you failed. I like seeing this side of you. The side that other people miss out on," I assure him. I tug a little on his hand. His eyes meet mine and I see the anxiousness there. My past seems so insignificant compared to his. So my mother was more concerned with her love life than me. Who cares? This man has been carrying the weight of his friend's death for years. The weight of it nearly crushed him.
"Thank God for that," he sighs. I nuzzle into his neck a little and he relaxes slightly. We're nowhere close to being perfect. Our mutual spotty pasts will trail after us whether we like it or not, but we're almost to the point where we're not chained down by it. So close to not looking over our shoulders at every turn. And I want that for us, for him.
"Esme! Did my snuggie come?" The voice breaks us apart and I am instantly greeted by a tiny glimpse of my possible future. Edward's father matches him almost completely. His gray hair and thinner lips the only difference. Even the confusion that crosses his features is familiar. He stops and clears his throat.
"Dad, this is Bella," Edward offers. I straighten myself and offer my hand, but am pulled into an embarrassingly hard chest. God lord is that muscle definition genetic?
"Izzy," I mumble lamely into Papa Cullen's shirt. He chuckles and pulls me away holding me by my shoulders as he looks me over. His eyes glow with warmth and I am jealous. A father. What would that be like? Those feelings are tossed aside quickly.
"I like you already. Did you want a snuggie? I got a two for one offer." he asks. I feel my face screw up in confusion. Is that code for a hug?
"Um, sure?" I reply. His eyes twinkle.
"Excellent," he murmurs and exits just as quickly as he appeared, yelling about the snuggies to Mama Cullen. He stops briefly to grip Edward's shoulder and says something low into his ear. Edward smiles softly and nods. I wander back to the wall of memories and am momentarily sidetracked by the sight of Edward in uniform. A band uniform. I hold back the laugh.
"You were in band?" I choke out. He crosses his arms over his chest and feigns anger. I tear my eyes way from him and look back at the tasseled jacket and plumed hat. Wow. All thoughts that we may have been friends in high school just flew out the front door.
"I'm not exactly football material," he grumbles. I take one last look at the picture, burning it to memory for future blackmail use and then turn back to him. I take both sides of his face and pull his face down to mine. Our foreheads press together, our noses touching.
"And I love you despite the fact that you wore a feather on your head," I say against his lips. I don't give him time to reply as I press my lips to his, careful to keep it remotely chaste. He sighs against my lips and I can't help but take his bottom lips between mine and pull just a little. I'll take a little from him in the name of comfort.
A high-pitched whistle breaks us apart and I turn to see a tiny woman and an equally tiny little girl staring at me expectantly. Their faces both holding the same impish smile and I'm a little scared. Then the tinnier of the two launches into motion.
"Edwaaaaard," she squeals, throwing herself into his arms. He takes her willingly, brushing his lips over her forehead. Instantly I'm warmed like one of Emmett's pop tarts.
"Hey short stuff," he says. They grin at each other and I feel like I've slipped into a Lifetime movie and I actually don't want to change the channel.
"So you're Bella," a chimed voice breaks me from my voyeurism. I turn towards the dark haired woman and almost offer my more comment nickname, but decide against it. If Edward loves her, she can call me whatever she wants.
"I am. And yet I feel a little like an ass given I don't have a clue who you are," I offer. Again with the horrible word choice. I need to take a class on how to speak like a normal person. She smiles despite my horrible attempt at conversation. Again I am pulled into a hug before I can think to back away.
"I'm Alice," she states. And everything shifts. My mind flashes with the articles and Edward's broken sobs. This is the woman, the little girl. Loss renders me useless for a few endless seconds as I just stare at her. She looks less broken than Edward, but I know better to assume that it's true.
"I guess I do know who you are then," I answer. She laughs. Laughs and I like her instantly. A tiny hand grips my own and tugs me down. I willingly sink to my knees to be level with the blonde haired girl. She places her hands on my face and peers into my eyes with intense scrutiny.
"You have happy eyes," she declares placing a large smacking kiss on my cheek. I smile back at her and return the gesture.
"Uncle Edward loves you, but I still get to be his favorite," she announces. I nod solemnly, not wanting to mess with the tiny bundle of energy. Once she gets my submission she pulls me along chattering on a mile a minute about how we can be friends and have matching toenails. I wonder if Alice thinks purple is approved for children's toenails.
I glance back to see Edward and Alice embrace. He smiles at her and I feel lighter. This was the right thing to do. Skye, my new best friend's name as I have been informed, pulls me into the kitchen where I am instructed to wear a frilly apron and assist in frosting cookies.
I lose myself in sprinkles and food coloring for a while. A tiny lost moment of childhood being fulfilled.
"Are you and Edward going to have babies?" Skye blurts as she shakes pink sprinkles over every cookie. I choke on the frosting covered spoon I was cleaning with my tongue and my eyes dart over to Mama Cullen who is watching with interest. I swallow and compose myself.
Skye continues to decorate, like the question she asked was about my shoe preference and not my reproductive hopes.
"Not right now," I stammer. The answer surprises even me. Children have always fascinated me. But, this is the first time I've thought of having one of my own. I swallow hard and try to clam the emotions that are stirring with this admission.
"Momma says that when two people love each other they have babies. Like her and daddy. Don't you love Uncle Edward?" she asks. She breaks her concentration on the cookies to stare at me. I look for help in Mama Cullen but she turns back to the sink with a smirk. Another thing he got from his mother, that damn smirk.
"Your momma is right and I do love your Uncle Edward. But, sometimes people wait to have babies til…." My mind wanders for a reason that would appease a small child. Things like timing and money and security will fall deaf on her ears.
"Until they find the right crib," I blurt. It's a ridiculous answer, but Skye accepts it with a nod of her head. I slump a little against the counter in relief. A mini-interrogation avoided. A hand reaches around my waist and I jump at the contact.
"Those cookies look really good Skye. I think I need one," Edward says. My nerves prick with the thought that he witnessed babygate. Skye smacks at his hands.
"Not til after dinner, right Auntie Esme?" she states. Esme answers with her approval and I watch as Edward twists his face into exaggerated disappointment. He pulls me solidly into him as Esme whisks Skye away to wash up for dinner. I twist out of Edward's arms and make a production of adding dollops of frosting to the already loaded cookies.
"A crib huh?" he chuckles. My face heats up again and I attempt to swallow down my mortification. The last thing I need him to know is that I may or may not have envisioned having babies with him. There's still too many black holes to fill.
"She's scary in a practically adult way," I scoff. He laughs and nods. His laugh brings a smile to my face. He leans into me again, burying his face into my neck. We stay that that for a while, and it feels damn good. Good to be in this place with him, to not be running.
The doorbell chimes and Edward jerks away from me. I listen as the door is opened and unfamiliar voices echo down the hall towards us. My eyes are glues to Edward. I watch helplessly as every ounce of relaxation disappears and his whole body goes rigid.
I place a hand on his back and hope I can help him remember he's not here alone. For a brief moment I resent everyone in this cozy house. Resent them all for pretending like this is just a normal day. Ignoring what a big deal this is isn't going to make it any better for him. He needs words.
As a recent filler of my own personal black hole, I know that ignoring it will only make it grow. They need to fill it with words, with gestures, help him realize what he already knows. That it's not his fault, that no one holds it against him.
I tear my eyes away from him to find us surrounded. A small crowd has gathered in the kitchen, all pretending not to be watching our every move. They mill about, making meaningless conversation. The anger boils up unexpectedly. This is ridiculous, you can feel the love and concern these people have for each other, but they just won't open their mouths.
I'm about to tell them all what I think about all of this, when Edward bolts. My eyes stay on the back door long after he's disappeared through it. The chatter has stopped and the silence is stifling. I raise my head to look at the faces staring back at me.
"I know that you all don't know me from Suzy down the street, but you're not helping. Acting like everything is fine isn't helping. He came here. He didn't want to. He hasn't slept for two days, but he came. The least you can do is act honestly," I chide. There are probably better things I could do to make a good impression. I could bite my tongue and follow this charade, but I love him too much to play along in that lie. It's painful to meet their remorseful eyes, so I swallow thickly and follow him out the door.
***
When I was younger I used to hide out in the backyard all the time. My dad put up a swing in the tree and I had a pretty kick ass tree house. But now, sitting on a cold concrete bench, my ass losing feeling, I'm not really feeling nostalgic.
Things were going well. Bella was in my house, my parents had yet to do anything that specifically made me want to crawl into a hole, and Skye had already charmed the pants off of Bella. I even overheard Bella hint at a more permanent future. At that point I was all but congratulating myself for bringing her home. And then I heard their voices. The same voices that whistled and cat called at almost all our shows, and suddenly I was suffocating.
I lean forward and bury my face into my hands. A true marker of adulthood, running from my fears. My fingers weave into my hair and I tug, wanting to feel something other than panic. The pain is short lived.
I couldn't keep away. Alice and Skye had been a part of my life since the accident. My cousin had always been my confidant and Skye, she won me over the first time she locked eyes with me. But his parents, I hadn't called, hadn't kept in touch. There weren't words for how I felt when I stood across from them at the funeral. Watching their silent tears and devastation. They had no reason to forgive me. Alice had, or so she tells me, but they shouldn't. It would be too much to ask.
This is what the façade was protecting me from. From the moment I had too look those people in the eyes and know that I had the gall to live after making a phone call that put their son in the ground. To see the remorse and wistfulness would crush me.
I take deep shuddering breaths and fight to keep my eyes dry. Nothing has even happened and I'm ready to ball like a little fucking girl. The cold has started to seep into my bones, but I can't go back in there.
And then a warm body settles next to mine. Legs swing over my lap, a face nuzzles into my shoulder and the tears win the war. They spill over my cheeks and race down my face. She's the reason I haven't peeled out of the driveway yet. If she can kick her demons to the curb, then I have to be able to at least kick mine a swift kick to the balls.
We stay like that for a while. Long enough for the sun to dip below the horizon. The darkness brings with it more cold and just when my fingers start to go numb, she takes my face in her hands and brings my forehead to hers.
"I know it sucks ass to be here, and if we were having dinner with my mother and her flavor of the month, I would be begging to haul ass out of here, but you can do this," she assures me. I let her breath fan over my face, bringing a little warmth with it. She shifts impossibly closer, wrapping her arms around my neck.
"Those people in there, all of those people, love you. Hell, I can feel it. All you have to do is go in there and look at them to know that they want to help. They want you to be happy," she persists. I choke on some lingering tears and let my eyes slide closed. Her words fight to chase away my fears and I feel like a little shit for making her do this, for not being man enough to just do this on my own.
But, without her I wouldn't even be here, so I welcome her help. I nod against her, still unable to find my words. I let her stand first and then follow her lead. She tugs at my hand and leads me back to the house. The whole place is lit up like Christmas, and I feel the pull towards the people inside.
We enter and everyone goes silent. Everyone's already around the table, two empty seats the only thing that even suggests anything, anyone was missing. Bella doesn't hesitate to pull me towards our seats. We slip into sit, the chairs scraping against the floor, shattering the silence around us.
"You're 'possed to wear a coat if you go outside Edward," Skye announces. I meet her gaze and can't help but smile at the scolding glare she sends me.
"You're right. I should have taken a coat Skye. Next time I will, gloves too," I agree. She nods, pleased with my submission. She digs back into her food oblivious to the awkwardness bathing the table. Bella's hand settles on my thigh and for once it doesn't make all the blood rush to my dick. I pick up my fork and begin the process of pushing my food around on my plate.
A small amount of residual noise builds and my nerves are running me over. I've yet to make eye contact with anyone. Still terrified of what I may see there.
And then someone clears their throat. My eyes unconsciously seek out the noise and settle on Jasper's dad. Jasper's mother is whispering furiously under his breath at him, but he's shaking her off. The room quiets again, except for Skye's soft dialoguing of her day to my mother.
"Edward," Mr. Whitlock states firmly. He pulls his eyes from his wife to meet mine. They're cool, still, and so much like Jasper's.
"I know that we've been inclined to ignore our past, and pretend that we didn't see you deteriorating in front of us, but this has got to stop son," he insists. And everything around me freezes. He was supposed to hold Jasper's absence against me. He, they, were my last validation for the weight I let pin me down too often. I choke down some water and flit my eyes towards Bella for some strength.
"Sir?" I ask. I need him to say more. I need to be sure. He sighs and shakes his head.
"You can't blame yourself any longer. It would piss the hell out of Jasper and I won't see more lives ruined. It wasn't your fault. That boy would have swam the arctic ocean naked for that band," he states.
I swallow hard and images of Jasper flood my mind. Him insisting we practice an hour longer, booking gigs hours away just to get our names out there, spending hours building a rudimentary website. Memories I've kept at bay since that night.
"Not that time. He said he wanted to stay home that night. And I still called," I argue. Those are the facts. Words can't change that. Mr. Whitlock sighs and grips his wife's hand on top of the table.
"He loved the band and he loved you, that doesn't mean that it was your fault," Mrs. Whitlock offers. I shake my head and feel my hands start to shake. My eyes flit to Skye and I feel the weight creeping up on me.
"I told him to go," Alice whispers. All heads whip in her direction. She keeps her gaze on her plate for a beat, before looking right at me.
"When you called, I told him to go. I knew that Skye wasn't coming that night. And I knew how badly he wanted to go. I pushed him out that door. If you want to blame someone, blame me," she says firmly. My heart is sputtering in my chest. Years I've laid my grief at her feet, and she's never told me this. And yet I'm not angry.
"Why didn't you tell me that?" I plead. She shakes her head, the motion drawing tears. She sucks in a harsh breath.
"Mama, why are you crying? I'll eat my broccoli, pinky promise," Skye breaks in. Alice wipes at the tears on her eyes and smiles down at her daughter.
"I know baby. Thank you. I'm just trying to make Uncle Edward be happy," she replies. Skye's face screws up in confusion and she glares at me.
"Edward, it's not nice to make girls cry. Listen to mama and be happy," she demands. Bella's arm wraps around my waist and I half chuckle half cry. It can't be this simple. It shouldn't be this easy.
"Yes m'am," I reply easily. I move my eyes from face to face at the table, everyone pleading with me without words to listen to her request. My breathing evens and I feel a little lighter, little more like things might be possible.
"Enough of this heavy talk. There's a special on grilling at eight, so let's eat," my father announces, and suddenly the room bursts to life. I turn to Bella and breathe her in. For the first time in a long time, this table doesn't seem like a cell. All because a girl gave me a He-Man lunch box.
"Did you believe them?" her voice takes me over. This wasn't a quick fix and I won't be miraculously cured, but it's a start. A place I can start from. And it feels damn amazing.
***
A/N Please please please let me know what you think. Are any of you with sah0004 and want more? Hit that little button and let me know!