Hey guys - where the heck have I been? A turbulent year by all accounts and I am acutely aware of your lovely comments/excitement that I might end this story so I have decided to do it. I apologise it's been so long, I will get it finished up - we have a couple more chapters to go and we'll be there! If you're still reading thanks for sticking with it - hope you're all taking care. - Chibi

Chapter Nine

Wedding favours and small boxes filled with tiny confetti. Beautiful big bouquets of pink and white flowers in jars. Chairs draped with silken sashes with pink bows knotted behind them. Gar looked around at the display with excitement, he couldn't believe the day had finally arrived. That he would be celebrating with two of his closest friends as they said their vows. To have and to hold.

Despite the jubilant and decadent event that awaited him, Gar's mind was troubled. He sighed, running his hand through his green hair slowly. There was an edge to the day, something he had promised himself he would do. But not now. Later. For now, he had to get through the ceremony and get Dick and Kori hitched. He ambled across to the makeshift altar that had been constructed in the other room to see Dick nervously pawing at his collar. He clapped his friend on the shoulder, smiling brightly. "You okay, man?"

"Yeah, just nervous." Richard Grayson was normally unshakeable yet in this moment he looked as though he was about to faint. His skin looked pallid and clammy, blue eyes dull and lacklustre.

Gar gave what he hoped was a reassuring grin. "What have you got to be nervous about? Marrying the love of your life should be exhilarating. And marrying Kori is bound to be exciting."

Dick didn't look amused at his friend's attempts at humour. He gave him a sidelong glance, eyes darkening. "What if I'm not good enough for her? If I can't be everything she needs? This is a commitment."

Just like Dick to take things so seriously. Gar shrugged, trying to maintain his carefree attitude, although the insecurities resonated with him. "Just being you is enough. We know that. Kori knows that. The only one who doesn't seem to know that is you."

Dick's face broke into a glimmer of a smile at this. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before releasing it softly. "You're right."

"Duh." Gar gave his shoulder another squeeze and then adjusted his tie. "Besides, if you back out now, I won't get good use out of this suit."

Dick laughed, reaching up and putting his own arm about Gar's shoulders. "You could always save it for your own wedding."

The sentiment made his stomach flip, but Gar kept his face as impassive as he could. "Maybe. Who knows. The woman of my dreams might just be here tonight waiting to pounce on me."

Dick opened his mouth as if to say something but shook his head, a wry smile on his lips. "You never know. Where's Vic?"

"He's coming, was just checking in with the ushers and making sure the band know what they're doing." Gar looked over his shoulder to see their larger friend hurrying over at pace. He looked more flustered than Gar had ever remembered seeing him, sweat beading on his brow. Despite this, Victor Stone managed a wide smile.

"Everything's good to go. And the guests are starting to arrive. You ready?"

"As I'll ever be," said Dick, straightening to his full height. His cheeks had a little colour back in them, Gar noticed. Vic nodded happily, chattering away about one thing and another. The minutes seemed to fly by, time blurring together as the room filled with people. Suddenly the room was hushed into silence with the band starting to play a sweet, soft melody. From his place to Dick's left, Gar twisted to look down the aisle. He felt his heart hammering as Raven rounded the corner, bouquet in hand. She started to walk down in time with the tune, looking to the left and right, nodding her head at the people around her. The midnight blue dress hung down about her shoulders, cinching at the waist and flowing out down to her feet. Her usually poker straight hair had a soft curl, pale skin coated in makeup to try and bring a little more colour to it.

She was breath-taking. Gar felt as though time had stopped all around him as she met his eye. She smiled, dipping her head slightly to acknowledge him and he beamed back at her as she took her place opposite them. They looked at each other for a long moment before the refrain changed very slightly. The bridal party turned to look down the aisle once more as Kori swept into the room. Her long, auburn hair was swept up into a beautiful pinned up style, with a veil trailing from the back. Her wedding dress was so simple yet sat on her tall, lithe frame perfectly. She was grinning as though her life depended on it, Bruce walking alongside her with a small smile of his own. Gar risked a glance at Dick, who was trembling slightly beside him. There were tears welling up in his eyes as he watched his bride-to-be arrive at his side. Bruce nodded at them all, before taking a seat at the front of the congregation.

Kori and Dick were holding hands, gazing adoringly at each other as everyone else sat down for the service. Throughout the whole event, Gar's eyes were glued onto Raven. He felt drawn to her, as though he wanted to breach the short gap between them and embrace her. Every now and then a flicker of amethyst would catch his eye and then vanish again, leaving him wanting more. It was intoxicating, distracting. He felt as though he couldn't focus on anything but her, despite the marriage they were witnessing. It was only as the band started up again that Gar realised the ceremony was over. The rings that Vic had been carrying were now firmly placed on each of his friend's fingers and they were husband and wife at last. The congregation cheered, as they turned to walk back down the aisle. Confetti rained down from the sky and Gar took Raven's arm as they walked back down behind the bride and groom. Vic was walking behind them, waving at the crowd on each side. Gar met Raven's eye and she gave a tiny smile, cheeks flushing. He swallowed, trying to keep cool. "You look nice."

"You don't look so bad yourself," she said, eyes looking past him to the crowd on his left. Gar nodded at Aqualad, giving a small wave. He could feel her warmth on his arm. It was now or never.

"Hey, Rae. Could I talk to you later on? Alone?"

Raven looked at him quizzically, a small curl falling across her eyes. "Sure. Everything okay?"

"Everything's fine." They had made it down the aisle and into the next room. Kori and Dick were swept away by the photographer to take some snaps and Vic nipped past them, helping to adjust the train. Gar and Raven stood to the side. Her arm was still interlinked with his, her pale hand resting on his. They were silent and still for a few moments before they let go, and Raven gave him another suspicious look. "If you say so."

"Just...meet me later, okay?" Gar reached up and tucked the stray curl behind her ear. Her eyes followed his fingers as he secured it back in place for her. The photographer started calling for them to go in and be part of the pictures. Raven nodded, and they were dragged away. Time blurred once more, until the meal was done, and the night's festivities were well underway. Gar was several beers down, feeling a warm buzz in his chest. He'd nipped out onto the balconette which adjoined the bar for a little bit of fresh air. Was he really going to do this? He felt tiny pinpricks of electricity in his fingertips.

There was a clicking of heels behind him as a presence stopped at his side. Gar glanced to the right, to find Raven staring him dead in the eye. She had a faint flush on her nose and he knew she'd also had a few glasses of the champagne that was flowing freely. She cocked her head to the side cutely. "Is this a good time?"

"Yeah." Gar turned and leaned on the railings, eyes looking back into the noisy dancefloor. "Think I've had just about as much of dancing as I can take for one day. Raven laughed lightly, gripping the railings and pushing back onto her heels. "And here I thought you lived for partying."

"A guy can change."

"Is that so?" Her violet eyes were filled with a wicked sense of mischief, and she nudged him with her elbow. "Can't be young forever, huh Gar?"

"That's true. And actually..." Gar felt himself falter for a moment. He turned back around, leaning against the railings front on. "That's kinda what I wanted to talk about."

"Oh?" Raven's voice was full of intrigue now. She mimicked his position, elbows on the bars as she peered down at the gardens below. Gar followed her eyeline, seeing a group of people cheering and throwing each other in the fountains.

He took a deep breath. "We're not young anymore. Not like we were, right?"

"Guess not. We've been through a lot - you, me, Vic, Kori and Dick. Things like that change a person."

"Right. And today everything has changed." Gar huffed out another sigh. "Kori and Dick are hitched. The team is going to change too. Things won't be like they were."

Raven raised her eyebrow, turning to face him. "What are you getting at?"

"I'm saying that maybe we're all growing up. Change is a good thing, isn't it?"

"You think so?" Raven didn't look convinced. "I hate change. I wish things could just stay the same way forever."

"You...do?" Garfield felt his nerve waver at her words. He pressed forward. "You don't want things to change?"

"No. I like things just how they are. The five of us together, fighting crime, living in the tower."

"You don't want to make new friends? Meet someone special some day?" Gar paused, rubbing the back of his head for dramatic effect. "Maybe get hitched someday too?"

Raven snorted softly, shaking her head. "I don't think that's likely for the half-demon daughter of Trigon, now is it?"

"Why not? You'd bring a lot to the table, Rae."

"Like what? Rampant powers, moody outbursts, my demonic father? Ooh, or maybe my internal counterparts of my split emotional personality? Wonderful," said Raven dryly. "I'm certain that would get anyone excited."

"Hey, the pink one was kind of cute!" The remark earned Gar a smack and a death glare. He laughed, elbowing her back as they settled back into watching the partygoers in the fountain below. A few moments of silence passed. Gar was building up the courage to do it. He had to do it now before it drove him crazy. Despite everything she'd said, despite it all...maybe, just maybe it could work. She might feel what he felt every day looking at her. If things didn't change now then he wasn't sure he could see himself facing another day.

"Thank you, Gar." Her voice broke his thoughts. He looked at her, startled. She smiled at him before continuing. "For sharing that with me. I can see it's been bothering you. You've been radiating worry over me all day."

Gar cursed himself for not covering his emotions better. He forced a smile. "You're welcome?"

"Look, things are going to change. It's inevitable despite what I said and I accept that. But this won't change," said Raven, gesturing at the two of them. "Our friendship. I'm so glad you're my friend, you're the only person I can trust."

Friendship. Ah. Gar felt a slight pain at her words, though the sentiment of them wasn't lost on him. Of course, it was crazy to think that Raven could ever fall for someone like him. He offered her a small smile, eyes briefly grazing hers. He'd clearly read everything wrong and if she wasn't feeling the way he was then...

There was a rumble in his chest. He needed to get out of here now. He gave her a rudimentary hug, but it was rushed. Her head bumped against his shoulder and he could smell her lavender shampoo. "Me too. Hey, I'm going to make tracks."

Raven looked confused, blinking up at him. "Right now?"

"Yeah. I'm pretty wiped out." Lying seemed better than the truth. The growl pressed into his throat again. "See you tomorrow, Rae. Enjoy the rest of the party."

"You're sure?"

Gar nodded in response. Raven didn't look convinced but nodded at him all the same and clicked softly across the balcony to the room. She paused at the door, hesitating as though she wanted to say something. She bit her lip before meeting his eyes. "Take care, Gar."

"You too, Rae."

With that she was gone, vanishing into the bar. Another growl broke from Gar's mouth, this time erupting into the night air. He clapped his hands over his mouth awkwardly. Something strange was going on, and he was barely able to hold it back. Leaping the balcony, Gar turned into a bird and tried to fly away from the venue, suit tearing to pieces. Whatever was going on, it couldn't be good. Halfway through his flight another growl caused him to shift between three different animals in mid-air. With a shriek, he managed to gather his wits well enough to change back into a hawk and fly himself toward the ground. As he landed, a few more howls and snarls broke free. He fell against one tree, then another. Claws unsheathed, scratching and splintering the wood with ease.

Then he lost control.

Time blurred once again, in a dark and horrible fashion until he awoke on a cold rock facing the river as daylight shone down across him. His clothes were torn to shreds, bruises and bleeding across his face and hands. Gar looked at himself horrified. What had happened? What had he just done? He looked around himself but found he was entirely lost. Shakily, he stood to his feet. What had happened last night?

Dick and Kori's wedding. The party. The balcony and...Raven.

Oh no.

Memories swirled in his head as he recognised what had happened. Being around her was putting a strain on his control. Particularly around the Beast. Over the past few years, they had become closer, more intimate. Sharing details of themselves and their lives unlike he had done with anyone else. But with that came this, the Beast's need to be around her. It had chosen her as it's mate, and he couldn't help but agree.

Yet if that wasn't what Raven wanted, he wouldn't force it upon her. It was her choice who she gave her heart to. He wanted to be her friend but the thought of losing control and harming her or anyone around them sent chills through his body. In that moment Gar Logan knew what he needed to do.

He needed to leave the Titans.

Gar woke up panting, dread seeping all over his body. He sat up in the bed, rubbing his ruffled hair and bemoaning his lack of sleep. The dream vanished, and the past with it. The present didn't provide any further reassurance. Every moment he closed his eyes, his mind was filled with the memory of what had happened the previous evening.

She kissed me back.

The thought that kept swirling around his mind over and over. He couldn't shake it. Once the initial guilt had drained away, it was all he could think about. It was as though it had all been part of the dream, and he couldn't quite work it all out. Gar climbed out of the bed and looked at the flashing cell phone by his bed. He had several missed calls and voice messages from Amara. Sighing, he took himself off into the shower and tried to distract himself for a few minutes. The hot steam helped him to refocus and he pushed all questions about his and Raven's tryst away. Did she really kiss him back? Or had he taken advantage of her in a vulnerable state? The memories that had come back to him in the dream were clear. Raven had never seen him that way, even back then when they were so close it seemed a whisper away from them being together. Yet she had made their relationship clear to him, and he had acted accordingly. What happened in the past was written in stone, the rest was all fantasy.

There was a strange rumbling in his chest, that he knew all too well by now. He felt his vision starting to blur, claws twisting out of his fingers. He groaned, grabbing his head and fighting his way back to the surface. He couldn't do this. It was too dangerous, for him and everyone else.

Pull the flight forward. Go to the symposium today and then straight to the airport. I don't even need to speak to her again. Maybe it's safest if I don't.

As he towelled himself dry, Gar looked in the mirror. His face looked drawn; eyes bloodshot from lack of sleep no doubt. He sighed again, pawing helplessly at his skin before giving up. There was no hiding how tired he felt inside and out. He felt remorseful, hopeless. The face of regret. Dressing himself in his uniform again, he didn't bother with another glance at the mirror. There was no point, it would only hold the same pitiful reflection. He fiddled with his phone, twisting it around in his fingers. It was middle morning in her time-zone, the perfect time to call. So why was he hesitating? Amara had sounded buoyant, jovial and excited on her messages. Looking forward to seeing him. Pleased that they would soon be able to venture back into the wilderness. Eager to hear all of his news, keen to know how the symposium went. She didn't have a clue as to his shattered state of mind, how confused and conflicted he was feeling.

For the first time ever, Gar acknowledged something important. Amara didn't know who he really was. She knew a figment of Garfield Logan, but she didn't know the whole truth. It was unfair and unkind of him to have been so deceptive, and yet at the time it had felt the right thing to do. Leaving his old life behind – leaving the pain and the hurt. A fresh start, a chance at being normal. But sitting here, in the wake of his bad decisions, Gar knew it was dishonest. Kissing Raven felt like the tip of a long-buried iceberg that was now rising to the surface. The past was finally with him fully, no matter how hard he tried to run from it. He needed space to think about what to do with all of this.

Taking a deep breath to steady himself, he dialled Ammi's number and put the phone to his ear. As he heard her cheerful voice, his stomach lurched with guilt. "M'penzi! I've been trying to see how your conference is going. I'm guessing you were too distracted to notice my calls?"

He felt bile rise in his throat, despite her tinkling laughter. He swallowed, voice gravelly. "Sorry Amara, it's been pretty full on."

"Amara," came the jesting response. "Uh oh. Am I in trouble, Gar?"

"Oh! N-no, I—sorry, Ammi—"

"I'm just joking, m'penzi," replied Amara, sounding more concerned this time. "Is everything okay, you sound...jangly?"

"Everything's fine! I mean it's great. It's just—"

"You've had enough of civilisation for now?" said Ammi, interrupting his broken speech. She knew him far too well, and he felt a warmth rush over him. He brushed his hand through his hair and flopped back onto the bed.

"Is it that obvious?"

"Yes," said Ammi, voice firm but kind. "But it's not for much longer, right? You'll be heading back tomorrow."

"Tonight," corrected Gar, closing his eyes. He was trying to convince himself that this was the right decision, but the words felt like poison on his lips. "I'm getting an earlier flight."

Amara made a surprised squeak. By the swishing it sounded as though she was shaking her head. "An overreaction perhaps? You can't wait one night to get back to Africa?"

"No," said Gar, firmly. It was too late to back out now. "Can you book into the hotel for another night? I want to talk through a few things."

"Of course."

Amara's voice was suddenly quiet, seemingly surprised by his changing tone. Gar didn't have the heart to try and make her feel better. Nothing felt right anymore. Sighing, he sat back up on the bed. "I'll text you my flight details later, okay?"

"Okay, m'penzi. Whatever you need. I'll be here when you get back."

The phone clicked off, and Gar pressed the cold glass to his face. It was time for honesty. There was no one coming to save him. Years of lying to himself and others...it had to come to an end. He had to own his truth now, because it was the only real thing he had left. Gar whispered into the darkened room, knowing no one would respond this time. "I know you will. I'm just not sure you'll like what you find."