Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight; it is the property of Stephenie Meyer. The original characters and plot are mine. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Thanks to my lovely Beta Biddy429 !!!

Chapter 17

Clara

I wasn't sure how long I sat there but school must have finished for the day because before I knew it the entire Cullen family had appeared, well all but Carlisle as he was obviously still at the hospital. Alice sat down next to me and gently wrapped her arms around me. Jasper stood behind Edward, Rosalie and Emmet just stood in the door frame.

"I'm sorry" Alice murmured and realised that she knew and had told the others. I turned my head slightly and looked at her, smiling half heartedly at her little pixie face!

"Yeah, it sucks" I said and she looked confused at my reaction, I always did try and cover up my emotions by trying to be blaze about them, maybe that's why everyone thought I was always the life and soul of the party kinda thing! I continued on "Well at least the pain has ended for her, but I really wish I could have kept her" I finished looking into Edward's eyes and taking comfort from his presence, I squeezed his hands in mine.

"At least there is that" Jasper said and I looked up at him and his so very sad expression.

"Maybe she's a fairy now, dancing on a flower and flying in a place of eternal spring" I said smiling at the image I had created. "Or an angel playing in the clouds, or perhaps a caterpillar slowly changing into a butterfly" I cocked my head to the side and smiled wistfully whilst I continued my musing "Maybe she was born again and has another family to bring joy and happiness to and maybe this time she would have a life, pain free and full of nothing but true happiness" I said and wrapped the images around me until I could almost feel that she was all these things and more.

"She could even be a mermaid" whispered Alice joining in with my thoughts.

"Yeah, dancing in the waves and singing 'under the sea' at the top of her lungs, entirely possible" I said nodding and recalling us both watching the movie together so many times, not that I minded in the least but dad had a hard time with it. Dad had a hard time with everything.

Rosalie spoke then, ever so softly "What about a princess?" Rosalie and I looked at her as Emmet's arms held her close to his side.

I nodded in agreement "Most definitely, she did look like snow white with her pale features and almost black hair but she was Belle." I said remembering helping her through the pain with story after story until well into the early hours of the next morning. "She loved history, true stories, myths and fables" I said smiling at Jasper who looked at me with a gentle smile.

Esme had come back into the room again and walked over to me "I'm glad you can think of her and your happy times" Esme said reaching down to give me a quick hug.

"She was such a happy and loving little girl that it is very hard not to think about all the happy times we had and how much happiness she created around her. I painted an entire hospital wing because of my little archangel, it took me forever. Pictures of fairytales, princesses, forests, castles, undersea kingdoms, mutant ninja turtles, fairies, animals, dinosaurs and many more. All of it magical and all of it just to see if I could make her and the other little patients smile for a little while" I said thinking of how long it took me and how very worth it the whole thing had been. The hospital in Jacksonville still sent me letters from the kids that stayed in those rooms, also letters from their families thanking me for the small amount of happiness it brought to them all.

"That was very kind of you" Edward said still rubbing gentle circles on the palm of my hand.

"Nope, it wasn't really, it was something that I needed to do, it helped them but it helped me more I think" I responded and he looked at me curious. "Well, I spent a lot of my time there and I wasn't dying so I thought to myself that if it had been me stuck in that dreary, scary place then I would like to see something happy and colourful to brighten my days, so you see it was necessary. I honestly don't know how Clara did it, so I had to make it a bit better for her so it wouldn't be so hard for her to cope with."

"Why did you stay in the hospital, was it to keep your sister company?" Edward asked confused as to why I would spend so much time in the hospital if I had not been ill.

"No, I was Clara's donor match, so bone marrow donations came from me and if there had been time maybe even organs" I stated as once again I felt the tears threaten to fall from my already red and puffy eyes. I must look a sight! I felt a cool finger gently brush the tears aside and then a strong arm reach around my waist in comfort. Edward was looking at me with so much emotion in his eyes.

"It must have been so hard on you, knowing you were giving so much of yourself and at the end you could not save her" Rosalie replied.

"Oh, I would have given my heart if it meant I could have saved her, I never minded the constant prodding or constant needles, that was nothing. I just wanted to do what I could, but even then it was never enough" I began to shake in reaction to the thought that I could not save her and felt the arms around me tighten, I continued "Well, it was just me and my dad, she never knew our mother so I took on that role eventually, she was my world and in the end she died and I could not help her, nothing I did helped her, I couldn't save her!"

"Bella, it is not your fault that she died, you did all you could. She was sick and no amount of organ or blood donations would have helped her, yes it was a cruel and horrible thing for a child to go through but is not your fault, not in the slightest" How like Jasper it was to offer such reassurance, always the caring and calmer of their family. I nodded in agreement but I also knew that there would always be some small part of me that would disagree with his words because if I had more to give I would have done it, especially if it had meant that she would have lived. I would have given my life for her.

I looked up at Jasper who was waiting for me to speak, "I just wish I could really accept that I have done all I could, I can't help feeling that I could have done more. You see, she made my world perfect, she made my world a better place, and I failed her so terribly, I could not offer her the world she deserved and I will never forgive myself for that!" At that moment I felt overcome with pain, a pain I could and would not extinguish easily, a pain I would carry with me forever in my heart.

"Bella, it was her time, there was nothing more that could be done for her, nothing more you could do, it's a huge and tragic loss but you cannot blame yourself for her death, she would not want that you know!" Rosalie said as she patted my knee.

"He blamed me" I said "He blamed me for everything, for my mum dying, for Clara getting sick, for Clara dying, for every single thing that went wrong he blamed me for it, so how am I supposed to feel when my own father hates me and blames me for everything that has gone wrong in eight long years since my mother died!"

Just at that I could feel Edward's growls begin obviously angry with my father for holding me responsible for something that could not have been controlled. "He's wrong" Edward demanded.

I didn't believe him and replied "How could my father turn into a monster against his own child if it wasn't my fault? The doctor's told me that she needed a lot more bone marrow that I could give, I didn't have enough to save her and in the end she was so weak that her body rejected what I could give her, so why would he not blame me, as I blame myself?

"The night she died I held her in my arms, we both fell asleep and when I finally awoke in the small hours of the morning she had passed away, I should have stayed awake, if I had then I would have gotten help and she would be here with me today so, yes I failed her, my dad was right to blame me!" I almost shouted at them!

"I had promised her a fairytale birthday party, with beautiful fairy dresses and wings. I had been making her dress for so long and what with the donations I was so tired. I fell asleep and did not even feel her pass away, so what kind of big sister does that make me?" I asked.

"She died before her birthday?" Alice asked saddened and I shook my head.

"It had been a rough year and she had missed her birthday party when she gotten a really bad nose bleed so we had cancelled it until she was well enough to have it. We decided that as it was near my 16th birthday we would make it a double celebration so we made a plan that it was going to be a fairy princess party and we were both to dress up for it."

I paused to think for a few seconds before continuing, "She died two days before my 16th birthday! I so wanted to make it up to her and I never did. We had ordered two cakes and had invited as many people as we could think of including as many of the children in the wing as we could. All of the children were going to dress up, we were going to have a fair princess and prince tea party, she was so excited about it all and it never happened in the end."

"Oh dear" Esme reaching out to touch my shoulder, "That must have been horrid for you" I could hear tears in her voice although she did not cry. I wondered if they could cry, or was that another myth?

"It was kind of you to want share your birthday with her" Edward said softly and I smiled and thought to myself what kind of party it would be if my sister had not been involved, I loved to include my sister in as many things as I could, that's what sisters did!

"I always shared my birthdays with her. It made it more fun to watch her smile and to spoil her" I told him thinking of the year before the last.

"We had quite a few dress up birthdays, once I had made her a red cloak to wear as Little Red Riding Hood, dad got to dress up as Grandma and the Big Bag Wolf, I was the Woodsman. It was fun to do and we had goodies in her basket. Dad would get gifts for us both to open. It was great being able to celebrate twice a year; I suppose it made up a little for some of the birthdays she would miss. She was so sick for most of her short life."

"She sounds lovely, Bella" Rosalie said and I smiled at her. I nodded and pushed the feeling of loss away trying to enjoy telling the others about her and trying hard to stop thinking that she was no longer here. I could not stop the images crowding my mind, the picture of her smile, her little body resting in the bed telling stories to the other girls in her room. She was generous, kind and brave. It was hard not to love her; she was in every way an angel, just and caring.

"She's my angel, my very own Archangel" I told them, "I have to believe that she is in a better place or life is just not worth living" It was a sad truth that I knew most would disagree with, if not question me on.

"I agree" Esme said with a sad smile on her lips. "I lost my son just after he was born" she told me and I smiled at her though it wasn't a happy smile. To bring a child into the world, carry that child within you for 9 months and then have it take from you within minutes must be one of the most unbearable things in life, to hold that child and then have it ripped from you – how does someone live on after that, or do they? At that moment I could almost feel the intensity of Esme's pain and what led her to where she was now.

"I cannot image the loss but I think I know what you mean" Rosalie said softly and I nodded though I didn't look away from Esme.

"Did you hold him, did he feel your arms around him, he must have felt his mother's love, he would have known who you were?" I asked so many inappropriate questions but I had to know, had to understand.

I could see that this was difficult and painful for Esme but she nodded and said "I held him in my arms, he knew I was his mother, he would not have been able to see me as he was so young but he would have known who I was."

I smiled at her and said "Well you can be sure that in his short time he knew you and the depth of your love" I was not entirely sure where the words had come from but they felt right. She smiled at me and reached out to me with a small but happy smile on her lips.

"I can only hope so" She sighed and I nodded once again. For a time we each sat each with our own thoughts until Esme moved towards the door. Carlisle must be home, she went to welcome him home and as she reached him she wrapped her arms around him holding him tight to her. He looked worried but hugged her back.