Man, this fic is starting to get way too sidetracked...
Gonna fix that soon, don't worry.
Gotta wrap this up first though...
Garrus was sitting at the bench in the main battery.
Sidonis was dead, but it did not make him feel any better.
Now his whole team was gone, and he was the reason.
He shouldn't have tried to play the hero. He was not a hero, but a failure.
Everything he had ever done, ended up in such.
The army had almost tossed him out because of insubordination. 'Too rash, too reckless,' they said. He just could not understand their rules.
C-Sec. The Executor Pallin had practically hated him. 'Too rash, too reckless,' he said. Again, rules.
Shepard had at least let him do his job without any ridiculous regulations. Garrus had enjoyed his time with Shepard, he had made a friend. For the first time in his life, he had succeeded in something. Then he left. Another example of his stupidity.
Spectre training. He had thought that being a Spectre would be perfect for him. Wrong again. There were no rules or regulations, that is true, but nobody had the stomach to do anything. They were just hiding.
Then Shepard died, and he wanted to make him proud. To honor his memory. Spectres couldn't offer him that, so he left, again. Omega was perfect. No rules, no regulations, and for the first time, he was in charge. No Executors, no Council. He made the rules, and it led to the deaths of twelve good men.
He could not even give them justice. He couldn't even do that.
He was a failure as a turian.
The door opened.
"Oh, it's you," Garrus muttered hoarsely.
"Why are you sitting here in the dark?" Tali asked, tilting her head.
Garrus had shut down the lights. He didn't want to see himself.
"Don't know"
"I'm worried about you Garrus," she said.
Everybody was always worried. It annoyed him. Truthfully, everything annoyed him.
"Right," he muttered in response.
"You've been here for two days."
One 'Get over it' -speech coming right up. He didn't need this. What he needed, was Sidonis, but even that was denied from him. He had failed, again.
"Don't need a pep talk, Tali," he snapped "Just beat it."
"You have to talk to him," she replied quietly.
Shepard. He and his damn selflessness. Garrus had asked for one thing, Sidonis. He could have succeeded in his life at something, but Shepard had took that from him. He and his damn help.
"No, I really don't," Garrus replied coldly.
Tali lowered her head.
"I know you are angry with him, but he was only trying to help," she said quietly.
Help. He and his help. He seemed to decide who wanted his help.
"I didn't ask for his damn help!", Garrus snapped.
"So, you just wanted to kill Sidonis?", Tali snapped back "You just wanted to revenge?"
Revenge. This was not about revenge, but about justice. Twelve good men, dead. He owed them.
He should have known that he would fail.
"I wanted justice!" he yelled, standing up.
"Justice?", she asked, unbelieving "That's not justice, that's revenge"
She did not know. She had not seen them die before her.
He could not even give them justice.
"You are so naive Tali," he hissed. "What would you do if someone betrayed you? Betrayed everyone you cared about?"
"I don't know," she replied quietly "But revenge doesn't help anyone"
Again with the revenge. Even if it was, what did it matter?
"Call it what you want. My men deserved it," he hissed.
"You would have been a murderer."
His team had fought for him, died for him. He owed them. If he had to become a murderer, he would.
"I owe them", he said, now quieter, and sat back down "It would have been the least I could do."
Tali sighed and sat down next to him.
"Your team wouldn't have wanted you to do that," she said quietly.
What did she know what they wanted?
"They wouldn't have wanted to die in vain," he snapped.
"They didn't. They died for you," she whispered.
She was right. They had been so proud to fight and die for him.
He could remember seeing Sidonis' eyes, as he tried to please him, to make him proud.
The thought made him happy, and sad.
Why?
"They were good men. I didn't deserve them," he muttered.
"So are you. You gave them hope. They wanted to thank you."
Hope. Maybe he had, but now all hope was lost to him. All he could feel was despair.
Failure.
"Hope? I'm a complete failure, Tali," he said quietly.
She tried to say something, but Garrus silenced her by raising his hand.
"Everything I've ever tried, has ended up in a disaster. The army, C-Sec, Shepard, Omega..."
He sighed.
Despair.
"Good thing this is a suicide mission. Nobody's gonna have to clean up my mess again", he said scornfully.
"You don't really believe that", Tali whispered.
Garrus snorted.
How could he trust Shepard? Garrus had been there for him, and had only asked one thing in return.
Sidonis.
Shepard couldn't even give him that.
"The only thing I asked of Shepard..." he whispered,shaking his head slightly "He couldn't give me. I don't know if I can trust him any more"
Tali lowered her head.
"I'm sorry to hear that," she replied quietly.
"Not as much as me," he whispered.
There was a silence.
"Sidonis was sorry", she said, breaking the silence.
Sorry? Not sorry enough. Not sorry enough to die for them. Not sorry enough to end his pathetic existence.
He was sorry what it had done to him.
"He was sorry for himself," Garrus said coldly.
"Not everyone can be brave," Tali whispered.
He didn't need to be brave. Garrus' squad had been his brothers, sisters. He would have been glad to die for any of them. He had expected that they all would feel the same.
Failure.
"I should have chosen my team better. I failed," he muttered.
"Your team wouldn't want you to blame yourself"
They wouldn't, but he was still responsible. If he couldn't blame himself, who could he blame? Sidonis? It was his fault that Sidonis was even in the team.
It was his fault that he had betrayed them.
Garrus had betrayed them.
"I chose Sidonis. Could have killed them myself", he whispered.
"So you are just going to sit here?" she snapped "Drown yourself in self-pity and bitterness?"
No, he did not want to do this. But what could he do?
"I don't know what else to do," Garrus whispered.
"You could try honouring their memory," she snapped, and got up.
She walked to the door, opened it and turned her head towards him.
"Shepard can truly pick his friends. You are both the same," she hissed, then left.
Honouring their memory. How could he? What was worthy of their memory?
Continue to fight the good fight? Was that enough?
At least his death would redeem him.
He just hoped that it would be enough.