Bea, this is your second surprise. Your actual story is the next chapter. So enjoy this and that one too.

Once everyone was gathered in Sam and Emily's living room, Sam clapped his hands to get their attention. The boys quieted down a few minutes later and turned to focus on him. Sam made sure everyone was looking at him before he called out, "Alright, guys, because Jared kept pestering me, I have decided to make a New Year's resolution."

"Yay me!" Jared cried out in a high-pitched voice before Paul shut him up with an elbow to the stomach. "Oof, fuck you, Paul."

"No, thanks. You're not my type."

"I'll show you my type," Jared growled and was ready to throw himself at Paul.

"Excuse me, I'm your only type, so shut up already," Kim said, grabbing Jared's arm and yanking him back down to the couch.

Grateful for Kim's interference, Sam shot her a pleased smile before turning back to the pack. "So, as I was saying, I have decided to make my New Year's resolution. And that is…drum roll, please."

To everyone's surprise, the sound of drum rolls echoed through the room. They all turned to look at Seth, who grinned sheepishly and shoved his phone back into his pocket. "Sorry."

That had been unexpected, but it was great for dramatics. Sam continued, "I will make our pack stronger by creating new patrolling pairs."

"You're really going through with this?" Emily asked him, her lips twitching.

"Yes. Yes, I am." Sam picked up a small bowl with pieces of papers inside and declared, "I'm going to choose two names each, so make sure you know who you'll be paired up with for the rest of the week. We'll change the pairing each week, so everyone gets to patrol with new partners. Clear?"

The boys nodded, curiosity visible on their faces. Sam noticed Emily and Bella sharing a look and grinning; Sam knew they thought his resolution was going to fail—it was only a matter of when. But Sam was going to prove them wrong. He was the Alpha and he could handle matters like these.

Pulling out the pieces of paper, Sam read out loud, "Jake, you're with Seth. Embry, Jared. Collin, you're with Leah. Brady and S—oh, that's me. And Quil and… Paul."

"Oh, fuck," Jared whispered, already snickering at the look of rising horror on Paul's face. "This is going to be good."

"Ten bucks we see Quil's head flying off the cliff," Jake whispered to Embry.

"I think Paul would just bury him alive instead," Embry said, shaking Jake's hand to bet on it.

"Can Col and I bet too?" Brady asked excitedly. He tried to whisper, but it just came out high-pitched and squeaky instead. He was at that age when his voice had started to change and not in a good way.

"Paul will kill you if he finds out you're betting—so, sure, why not?" Jake said with a shrug. They all lived to piss Paul off, so everything that could annoy the grumpy wolf was great for entertainment.

The worry bubbling in Sam's stomach was threatening to overwhelm him, but he ignored it and thought, 'How bad could this be?'

"Just kill me! I can't handle this anymore. Please…kill me," Paul snarled, flinging himself onto Sam's couch and throwing an arm over his face.

He ran his fingers through his freshly cut hair, a hairstyle that Bella loved and called it 'Paul's fuckboy haircut.' He tried to calm himself down by thinking of how hot Bella thought his hair looked now that it was longer on the top and closely shaved on the sides. The memory of her running her fingers through his hair, fisting it, yanking on it, never failed to make him hard, but his anger was still simmering under the surface.

"Don't be so dramatic," Sam said, rolling his eyes. "Patrol couldn't have been that bad."

"'That bad'? It was the worst!" Paul yelled, shooting upright at Sam's words.

He pointed at Sam and snarled, "I cannot believe you paired me with someone worse than Jared! Fuck, I can't believe there's someone worse than Jared in the pack! I didn't think that was physically possible, man, but no…you just had to prove me wrong."

Just then, Quil hobbled into the room, one hand on his bare ass—which was still bleeding—and the other covering his naked bits. "He bit my ass!" Quil screamed, raising his hand to reveal the gigantic bite mark. "Sam, do something!"

"I'm not touching your ass," Sam said, scowling at him. He didn't even want to know what had happened, but as the Alpha, he had a responsibility towards these idiots. One he regretted most days, but especially on days like these.

"I meant, do something about him," Quil cried, uncovering his crotch and pointing at Paul. "I don't want him anywhere near my dick! What if he bites it off?"

"That's fucking gross! I'll leave that up to whoever is unlucky enough to end up with your pathetic ass," Paul snapped, glaring at Quil. "And cover that shit up—no one wants to see your tiny dick flapping about in the wind—"

"It's not tiny and you know it!"

"Do I look like I give a flying fuck how tiny your dick is?"

"You're such an asshole! All I did was ask you about Bella!"

"Paul, all he did was ask about Bella," Sam said, crossing his arms and staring at Paul. "You didn't need to—"

"Tell Sam exactly what you asked about Bella," Paul demanded.

The moment Quil's face reddened, Sam knew whatever he was about to say wasn't going to be good. He was proven right when Quil muttered, "I just asked if Bella accidentally masturbated about someone else instead of him."

Taha-Aki, give me strength. Sam pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath to calm himself. "And why would you ask that?"

"I don't know… I was just curious… I mean, when we guys masturbate, instead of one girl, we often end up thinking about others, right?"

Sam looked up at the ceiling and prayed Quil wasn't going to say what he thought he would.

"So, what if Bella thinks about me while masturbating?" Quil finished, his eyes wide.

Paul snarled and looked ready to rip Quil's head off. "See what I had to deal with, Sam? You should be grateful I only bit his ass—I would have made him choke on his own blood if he hadn't run away screaming like a girl."

"I do not scream like a girl," Quil yelled, placing his hands on his hips.

Paul bared his teeth and stalked towards Quil, who shrieked, covered his crotch, and bolted, leaving a small trail of blood behind him.

Sam sighed and shook his head as Paul ran after Quil. He muttered, "Hopefully, the others are getting on well enough."

'...Tree looks great! I could scratch my back on it, but what if I hurt myself instead? Maybe Mom could scratch my back. Speaking of Mom, do you know how much I love her pies? She makes the best pies in the world! Maybe if I ask her nicely, she'll make me a cherry pie. I almost choked on a cherry once, though. I was three. I was scared of them for years after that. Maybe eating a cherry pie isn't the best idea… Ooh, I know! Maybe she could squish them all into a lump instead! That would be great!'

Jake's head hurt. Seth had been talking nonstop ever since they had started patrolling. The kid just wouldn't shut up! Didn't he have an off button or something? Had he drunk a dozen energy drinks before phasing? Was that even safe?

'Hey, Jake, what's your favorite fruit? I'd say my favorites are strawberries and bananas. They go so well with chocolate, and you could add the fruits to anything! Milkshakes, ice cream, toppings, even salads! This reminds me… I did one of those Buzzfeed quizzes a few days ago to see if I'm a cat person or a dog person based on the foods I pick, and it turns out I'm a dog person! I was so happy!'

Jake mentally sobbed. How long did he have to suffer through this torture?

'And another quiz said that if I was a dessert, I would be ice cream because I'm always the life of the party. I love ice cream, man—and now I'm hungry. Do you think we could stop by Bella's place and see if she has something for us to eat? I absolutely love her. She's so warm and kind and nice and she smells like flowers, doesn't she?'

'Yes, yes, we'll stop by her house,' Jake thought quickly, darting towards the Swan residence before Seth could change his mind—not that he would, but still.

Seth hummed something in his head that Jake couldn't make heads nor tails of. Jake ran faster, trying to escape the song, and found himself standing in the Swans' backyard. He phased back on the spot and stumbled in his hurry to get his cutoffs on.

"Hey, wait for me," Seth yelled, right behind him. He accidentally bumped into a tree in his haste to reach Jake.

"Seth?" Bella called out, sticking her head out of the kitchen window. She glanced at Jake and her lips turned up in a wide grin. "Aaah, yes, and Jake. Of course. Come on in, you two. I'm making cheeseburgers."

"That sounds awesome! Thanks, Bella!" Seth rushed towards the front door, while Jake approached the kitchen window instead.

Bella smirked at him and asked, "So… how was it?"

Jake only shook his head; he didn't want to talk about it. His head still throbbed at Seth's annoyingly chipper voice echoing in his ears. "I need a drink."

"You're not old enough," Bella said with a laugh, and Jake scowled. She patted his arm and gestured for him to climb inside.

Jake squeezed in through the window and managed not to get stuck. He grunted when he banged his knee on the tap above the sink, but it didn't hurt as much as Seth's constant rambling had.

Bella looked up at him and offered, "I'll bake you a cake instead. Would that make you feel better?"

"Can I have some cake too? You make the best cakes in the world," Seth piped in, beaming as he entered the kitchen.

Jake almost growled when Bella laughed and reached up to ruffle Seth's hair. How dare Seth try to take his position of being the cutest in the pack?

This was war.

Jared had decided that Embry was his new best friend. Embry was a fucking darling, a sweetheart, an angel as far as Jared was concerned. The younger boy had been listening to Jared's chaotic ideas for the past two hours without complaining; in fact, he had instead helped Jared perfect his plans by probing him with questions. Paul would have drop-kicked him off the cliff after the first five minutes—which had happened more times than Jared could count. Not that he couldn't count that high but because it had happened so many times.

The point was that Embry was a gift from the Universe sent especially for Jared. And he was going to thank Taha-Aki later for the genius ideas Embry had inadvertently given him.

'Do you think I should let Quack Efron waddle around naked or should I get him a costume? I don't want Hugh Quackman and James Pond to get jealous of his hot bod,' Jared thought absentmindedly as he hopped over a fallen log before pissing on it to mark his territory. It was his fortieth brilliant idea and he wanted to run it by Embry before he did something. He didn't want to look stupid by making a wrong decision.

'I'll take a wild guess and say those are the names of your…ducks.'

'Yeah, how'd you guess? That's awesome!' Jared was amazed by how smart Embry was. 'Why haven't we patrolled together before, huh? We really should do this more often.'

Embry chuckled and thought, 'I'm used to Quil's wild ideas, so nothing really fazes me anymore.'

Jared bristled at Embry's assumption that his ideas were less chaotic than Quil's. He just couldn't have his new best friend thinking that. 'What was Quil's wildest idea? I bet I could beat that.'

Embry's amusement rang through the pack mind before he thought, 'Do you want me to go alphabetically, chronologically, or based on chaotic energy?'

'Anything.'

'Well…there was the time he had the brilliant idea of training puppies to do ballet.'

Jared's brain short-circuited for a second. The memory of training kittens to do karate under a dark bridge flashed through the pack mind, and Embry gasped. 'You…tried to do what?'

'I was seven! And I didn't know karate either—all I knew was what I'd seen in Karate Kid,' Jared defended himself quickly. 'I bet I could train them properly now. I could even name them the Karate Kits. Huh? Get it?'

Chuckling, Embry thought, 'I got it, no need to explain.'

'What else has the oh-so-great Quil done?'

'He snuck into a wrestling ring while the fight was on and he ran around the ref and wrestlers. They tried to catch him, but he was too fast. But then, the idiot tripped over his own shoelaces and fell out of the ring. We got banned from there.'

'Well, I got banned from a Little League match because I was selling bottled piss to the parents.'

Exasperatedly, Embry thought, 'Jared, why would you do that?'

'I was five and annoyed that they weren't letting me play.'

Embry knew he was going to regret it. 'Was it…'

'Funnily enough, no, it wasn't just mine. I actually paid a couple of the kids in my class to help me fill the bottles.'

Embry closed his eyes and thought, 'I just had to ask, didn't I?'

'I bet Quil hasn't done that before.'

'Actually, he did piss on Chief Black's face a few years ago on a dare.'

Jared immediately began plotting his own attempt at pissing on someone even more dangerous than Chief Black: Old Quil.

When Collin phased to patrol with Leah, he thought it would be just like patrolling with the others, but to his horror, he immediately realized he was very, very wrong.

Leah was…a woman. And she had thoughts running through her head that were definitely not something Collin should see.

Images of period blood staining sheets, ripping condoms with teeth, sweaty skin, loud moans, and lots and lots of…

Poor Collin, who was barely a teenager, whimpered and almost crashed into a tree.

Leah noticed Collin's arrival and her thoughts immediately came to a halt. 'Collin? The fuck, kid? Why didn't you fucking say something when you phased?'

'I'm sorry! I didn't mean to see that!' Collin thought, clenching his eyes shut as if the action would get rid of the images in his head. Unfortunately, he had to open his eyes if he needed to keep the reservation safe from vampires.

Leah, now amused, thought, 'As a punishment for eavesdropping, I'm going to help you learn something new today.'

'No, thank you,' Colin tried to say, but Leah was already telling him about the horrifying aspects of sex.

'Did you know there are people who like putting insects on their genitals?'

'Why would…' Collin trailed off, not really wanting to know the answer. He tried to imagine the scene but was unsuccessful, so Leah 'helpfully' supplied an image for educational purposes.

Collin almost burst into tears at the thought of bees swarming over a person's privates, and Leah quickly changed the subject.

'Have you ever heard of lactophilia, kid?'

'No, and I don't want to,' Collin whined, already shaking his large head. His fur swiveled about his face, almost getting into his eyes. Bella had often said that his fur was too big for him at the moment, and Collin hoped he'd grow into it soon. It was so irritating getting fur in his eyes when he tried to shake his head. Now he knew how the girls in his class felt.

'Lactophilia is when you get hard thinking, drinking, or sucking milk from tits,' Leah thought with amusement.

'I—'

'I bet you'd be into that shit, you've got mommy issues, haven't you? You'd want to suckle on some nice, juicy tits, huh?'

'I'll tell Paul you're bullying me,' Collin thought, scared of Leah already.

'What's he going to do? Talk me to death?'

Collin was close to tears again. He was sensitive, and Bella always told him that it was one of her favorite things about him, but now it just felt like a weakness. 'I'll tell Sam.'

'Sam's a bloody butterface ass jockey. A ducknose fuck canoe. And he's scared of me. For good reason, too. I could make his life a living hell if I wished.'

'Paul says you already do,' Collin thought and immediately regretted it when images of Leah ripping Paul's head off and playing soccer with it on the beach while Sam wailed in the distance ran through their combined pack mind. Collin hurried to calm Leah down. 'Forget I said that. Please?'

'Not your fucking fault, bitch waffle. Now leave me alone, or else the rolling head will be yours.'

Collin was quiet for a few moments before he thought, 'Umm, Leah?'

'Didn't I tell you to leave me the fuck alone? Are you that much of an unimpressive camelfucker that you can't do a simple thing?'

'I just wanted to know…How do you come up with your insults?' Collin was extremely curious now. Leah had the most creative insults ever, and he wanted to learn her secrets.

'Learn my secrets, huh? Interesting…Alright, I'll teach you how to install a swear generator in your head, but on one condition.'

'What?'

'You're going to come up with an incredible swear word after my lessons and you're going to use it on the Alpha-hole.'

Collin paled at the thought of insulting the Alpha of their pack, but Sam would probably forgive him if he explained.

'And no, you're not going to tell him I made you do it. It'll make me seem petty.'

'Okay, deal,' Collin replied. It couldn't be that bad, he was seventy-five percent sure of it.

'Let's start with the basics first. Hit me with what you've got.'

Sam had been sitting at the table, staring at the wall with a dumbfounded look on his face for the past ten minutes, and Emily was now getting worried. When Bella walked into the house holding a tray of mini blueberry pies for the boys, Emily leaped towards her. "Bella, look! Look at Sam."

Bella placed the tray down on the other side of the table and leaned over to look at Sam, who hadn't greeted her yet. She waved her hand in front of Sam's face, but he didn't blink. Pulling out a blueberry pie, she held it in front of Sam's nose and let the scent of the freshly baked treat waft towards him. But still, Sam sat there like a statue, his nostrils barely twitching.

"What's wrong with him?" Bella questioned, a small frown appearing on her brow.

Wringing her hands, Emily said, "I don't know. He came home, dragging his feet as if he'd seen something horrifying out there."

"Where was he before coming home? Maybe we could do some Sherlock-style detecting. I've always wanted to try that," Bella said with a grin.

"He told me he was going patrolling, so whatever happened must have happened then."

"Who was with him? Maybe we could bring them in for questioning." Bella was now getting more into her role.

"Umm…Usually, it's him and Jake on patrol."

"But he changed the patrolling schedule for his resolution thing, didn't he? Who was he with?"

"Le—No, Leah was with Collin, wasn't she?"

"Yeah, and Embry was with Jared, Paul was with Quil, and Jake was with Seth. That leaves Brady."

"Brady must know what happened to Sam," Emily said, turning to look for her phone. "I'll call him here and—"

Sam's head suddenly whipped around towards Emily. He shot out of his seat and grabbed Emily's arm before she could take another step. "Don't!"

Emily's eyes widened and she gasped. "Sam!"

"Don't say his name! Don't call him over! Don't!" Sam looked unhinged all of a sudden. His eyes were wide with fear, his skin was flushed and a blotchy red, while his grip on Emily's arm was tighter than normal.

"Sam, what's got into you?" Bella was worried now, for both Sam and Brady. "What happened out there that you don't want to see Brady so soon? Is he alright? If he's hurt, I'll kill you, Sam. You know he's just a sweet ki—"

"You're wrong, you're so wrong," Sam whispered and stumbled back to his chair, plopping down with a loud thump.

Emily and Bella shared a concerned glance before Emily walked over and gently wrapped her arm around Sam's shoulders. Rubbing his bicep just because she could, she murmured, "Sam, talk to us, honey."

"It was horrible…Oh, God, the things I've seen…" Sam shuddered under Emily's arm and buried his face in his hands.

Bella sat down across the table and offered Sam a pie. "Eat and talk."

Sam chewed slowly, gazing at the plate in front of him. "I never thought I'd say this, but…Brady is the devil in disguise."

Emily and Bella both blinked once, twice, and then thrice. Finally, Bella said the only thing she could think of. "Huh?"

Sam looked up at Bella with terror visible in his eyes. "Stay away from him if you know what's good for you…"

"You're not making any sense, honey," Emily said gently, even though all she wanted to do was shake Sam as hard as she could and make him stop speaking in riddles.

Sam swallowed before whispering, "Brady…is a clone of…Paul and Quil. I can't deal with that again!"

"Whaaaat—" Bella drew out slowly.

Sam began to ramble, "He's spent so much time with Paul and Quil that he's now a mini-clone. He's just as bad as they were when they first phased, and I can't deal with the stress all over again. I'm barely twenty-five, guys, I can't have this many gray hairs because of them. Even Chief Black doesn't have that many gray hairs, and he's the Chief—I'm pretty sure Old Quil doesn't dye his hair either, and he's got a head full of black hair—I can't have gray hair at the ripe young age of twenty-three! What will people say?"

"Okay, you're still not making any sense, so I'll go make you some tea and maybe then you'll calm down and say something that we can understand," Emily said firmly and turned to the kitchen.

"He's evil, I tell you, eviiiilll," Sam called out to Emily as she walked away.

"Tell me more about this…eeevil clone thing," Bella said, pushing another blueberry pie towards him to make him talk.

"It's not eeevil. It's eviiiilll," Sam muttered through a mouthful of pie. "God, these are great, what do you put in them?"

"...Blueberries," Bella deadpanned.

"Brilliant!" Sam continued eating, spilling a few crumbs from his mouth. "What was I saying?"

"You were talking about gray hairs and Brady."

Sam shivered and trembled in horror. "Don't say his name, Bella. I can't deal with that menace."

"Hey, that's my pseudo-child you're talking about." Bella crossed her arms and frowned at him.

"No offense, Bella, but Brady is absolutely terrifying."

"No, he's not. He's absolutely adorable—"

Sam slapped his hands on the table and leaned towards Bella, widening his eyes to emphasize his point. "No, no, he's not. I've been in his head, Bella. I've seen things—terrible, terrible things. Do you know he's got a crush on five girls in his class?"

"Lizzy, Beck, Miley, Kate, and Suzanne, right? Yeah, he's talked to me about them," Bella said with a small smile. "I think it's adorable."

"It's not adorable. He thinks of them all the time, he thinks of their favorite fruits, vegetables, cookies, biscuits, colors, dresses, shoes, every single fucking thing in the universe. He's fucking obsessed with them, and he's now planning on making them all jealous by flirting with the other girls because that's what his idol Quil does with the girls he brings over to fuck."

Bella's eyes widened. "You said fuck three times. You must really be worried about Brady."

"About Brady? No! I'm worried about me and my sanity," Sam cried, raising his hands to the heavens in exasperation. "I can't spend the rest of the week patrolling with a Quil-slash-Paul clone! All he thinks about are those girls—even Quil doesn't…Oh, wait, yeah, he does!"

Bella laughed and said, "Why don't you distract Brady the next time you're on patrol? Maybe point out something else so that he doesn't think of the girls so much."

"Bitch, you think I didn't try that?" Sam barked, and Bella pursed her lips to muffle her laughter at the stoic Alpha calling her 'bitch' in a slightly endearing manner.

"What did you try?"

"I got him to think about video games, and for some reason, he began to think of a porn video he'd seen Quil watching where the girl's playing video games and the guy…"

"Okay, no need for you to explain what happens," Bella said quickly, leaning away from Sam with her hands raised.

"Then, I tried to talk to him about you and Paul, and he showed me the time he caught Paul and you on a swing…in the park…out in public."

"Oh, Brady." Bella groaned and covered her face with her hands. She knew just what Sam was talking about. Brady had accidentally come across them in the public park and had hurried away before Paul could do more than yell at him, but he'd seen enough.

"He's obsessed with sex, but…"

"But what?"

"But he doesn't necessarily want to have sex?" Sam trailed off with a small frown. "I don't know how to explain it, but he keeps thinking of porn and girls and keeps complaining about how hard it is to understand women—like he talks to any woman except for you, Em, Kim, and Leah— but he doesn't do anything about going out on dates or having sex."

Bella couldn't help but smile at that. "Paul taught him well then."

"What do you mean?" If Paul had taught Brady something, then shouldn't Brady be going out and fucking anything that moves?

Bella smiled dreamily and gazed at Sam, her eyes shining with happiness. "Paul told him it's fine if he looks at girls, fantasizes, or whatever, but he couldn't do anything about it until he was at least fifteen."

"Paul…said that?" Really? This coming from the guy who had fucked his way through La Push and Forks and half of Port Angeles in his teenage years? Hypocritical much?

"Don't take that tone, Sam. Paul's become more mature over the years, and he just wants Collin and Brady to be safer than he used to be."

Sam ducked his head, a bit embarrassed now. "Sorry."

"It's fine. You know—even the boys know—that he had…issues as a teen, but he's trying to do better by himself. Honestly, being a bit responsible for both Collin and Brady is great for him," Bella commented. "He gets to boss them around, they get a father figure, everyone's happy."

"So…you mean to say that…Brady will listen to Paul if he tells him to do something?"

"More or less, yeah. Of course, he's still a kid, so his mind is sure to stray to things you might be uncomfortable with—"

"Great!" Sam shot out of his chair and strode towards the door. "I'll go tell Paul to tell Brady to keep a lid on his perverted thoughts."

Bella opened her mouth to say something, but Sam was already gone. When Emily returned with the piping hot tea in tiny teacups, she frowned and asked, "Where's Sam?"

"Gone to talk some sense into Brady through Paul." Bella explained what Sam had told her about Brady.

Emily snorted and sipped her tea gracefully. "It's like Sam's forgotten that he, too, used to be a preteen boy obsessed with girls."

Snickering, Bella shook her head. "I can't even imagine. Paul said once that he thinks Sam came out of his mother's womb already mature and shit. His words, not mine."

Emily guffawed and almost spilled her tea. "Thank God we're not shapeshifters, or else Sam would be really offended by the images in my head."

"He's going to break his own New Year's resolution, isn't he?" Bella asked curiously.

"I'm actually not sure…As much as I know Sam, he can be really stubborn when he wants to be. So this could go either way."

"Let's wait and see."